Dmitri Young, 2008 Topps Allen & Ginter's

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Washington Nationals
Position: First base
Value of card: A look through Allen & Ginter's kitchen garbage can
Key 2007 stat: Young was no longer young
Fun facts about Dmitri Young and the state of Mississippi:
  • Mississippi is known for its catfish farms. Dmitri Young often smelled like catfish.
  • Mississippi is the Magnolia State. Dmitri Young was confused and upset by the movie "Magnolia."
  • Mississippi led the South's rebellion among U.S. states. Dmitri Young's southern half is usually in a state of rebellion, as teammates who've used the bathroom after him can testify.
  • Mississippi has the worst poverty rate in the nation. Dmitri Young's defense was also poor.
  • Mississippi has one of the nation's highest obesity rates. Above, you see an illustration of Dmitri Young.



Bobby Abreu, 1995 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Bob Abreu
Team: Jackson Generals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One star, at best
Key 1994 stat: Out at third
Houston Astros 1995 scouting report on prospect Bob Abreu: "He may be a General, but he keeps showing off his privates. It's really inappropriate. ... Can't seem to match up his wristbands. He may be colorblind. ... Insists that he was the sixth member of Menudo. ... His no-look slides could use some work. ... Has a disquieting knowledge of Motel 6 locations. ... An excellent combination of power and speed. Wait, no, that's my review of the new Chevy Camaro. ... Still trying to find out his middle name, but it must start with a 'B,' because he keeps insisting that we call him 'Bob B.'"



Ray May, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 155)

Name: Ray May
Team: Baltimore Colts
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: It looks a lot like the second letter in "Colts"
Key 1971 stat: 13 collared shirts turned into game jerseys
Introducing ... The Ray-May May-Day®: Style, not everyone has it. But from some men, it emanates. One of those men is Ray May, whose rhyming name is only the 12th most awesome thing about him. May took inspiration from other fashion mavens, whose hairdos included The Soaring Mushroom®, The Great Scott® and The SaberMullet®. But May struck out on his own, eschewing the day's trends for his own creation, The Ray-May May-Day®, an afro of perfect roundness juxtaposed by sideburns so sharp they've cut the hands of a thousand ladies who've tried to run their fingers through their conception of heaven. So hats off to Ray May, because the Ray-May May-Day® would never have a hat over it.


Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Teams: Texas Rangers, Team P90X
Positions: Pitcher, whatever that stretch is called
Value of card: A whooooole lot of leg
Key 1990 stat: Made the photographer uncomfortable 14 times
Oh dear: The good folks at Pacific Trading Cards put out a series of Nolan Ryan collectables in 1991, featuring the Express in all sorts of situations. They captioned this one "Ryan's Routine," but here are a few suggested captions that didn't quite make the cut:
  • More Sleeves Than Pants
  • And Reach ... for the Barf Bag
  • Pasty Pitcher
  • That Hairline's a Stretch, Too
  • Pull Those Socks Up More
  • No Wonder No One Else Is Working Out
  • "Get Out of Here, You Pervert!"



Warren Brusstar, 1979 Topps

Name: Warren Brusstar
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three gold-star stickers with the sticky worn off
Key 1978 stat: 12 gloves played with (under the covers)
It's time for a late-1970s pop quiz:

In what ways does Warren put the "star" in Brusstar?

(A) His chest hair throws a 92-mph, hard-breaking slider.
(B) His afro never met a hat it couldn't push into orbit.
(C) His blue-eyed, steely stare forced Phillies management to alter the team's uniform colors.
(D) His unbridled anger forced a shoddy blog to rerun a mediocre baseball card of him.
(E) All of the above.


Kurt Bevacqua, 1976 Topps Bazooka

Name: Kurt Bevacqua
Team: Milwaukee Bubbles Brewers
Position: Infield
Value of card: See the shape of that bubble? Picture a number that's the same shape
Key 1975 stat: 467,908 pieces of Bazooka gum chewed (No, not at once.)
What an honor: Everyone, everyone, stand up and let's give Kurt Bevacqua a hand. This is something special. In a sport that holds home runs and strikeouts in high esteem, we finally get a glimpse of true talent. Here is the man whose nickname was "Dirty," who batted .236 during his 14-year career with eight teams, and who overcame adversity and other cliches to win the prestigious, the hallowed, the chewy 1975 Joe Garagiola/Bazooka Bubble Gum Blowing Championship. What does he win? How about a pair of Bazooka cardboard baseball scissors and measuring sticks, a lifetime supply of 6-year-old, granite-hard Bazooka gum and a real, military-grade bazooka? What prizes. But the real honor? Knowing no one else in baseball truly blows as much as he does.


Bryan Clutterbuck, 1993 TCMA

Name: Bryan Clutterbuck
Team: El Paso Diablos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Some clutter, no bucks
Key 1992 stat: Spent the summer in El Paso
Plan B: According to this here finely designed baseball card, Bryan Clutterbuck was a pitcher. Here are some other occupations he could have had while wearing that uniform:
  • Crazy train engineer
  • Circus clown
  • In fact, pretty much anything to do with the circus
  • A clutterbuck
  • Hair model
  • Whataburger employee
  • Satirical baseball-card blogger



Dennis Rodman, 1994-95 Topps Rebound Hound (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 7)

Name: Dennis Rodman
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Position: Forward
Value of card: One used flea collar
Key 1994-95 stat: Never took off that mask, not even to shower or sleep
Fun facts about "rebound hound" Dennis Rodman and actual hounds:
  • Hounds come in many shapes, sizes and colors. So did Dennis Rodman's hair.
  • Some hounds are known for their loud, braying barks. Rodman is known for his loud, braying outfits.
  • Some hounds are called sighthounds, and track prey using their speed to keep it in sight. Judging by the sight of some of the photos of Rodman, he may have been using speed and lord knows what else.
  • Some hounds are called scenthounds, and track prey using their sense of smell. It's a fair bet that Rodman would be easy to find by his scent.
  • Hounds and other dogs are sometimes sent to nursing homes to spend time with people who are shut-ins or have dementia. Rodman recently visited North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, who falls into both of those categories.
  • Hounds sometimes work as a team to wear out game. Rodman starred in "Double Team" with Jean-Claude Van Damme, wearing out audiences.
Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp


Terry Mills, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 6)

Name: Terry Mills
Team: New Jersey Nets
Position: Forward
Value of card: 3 pounds of New Jersey sludge
Key 1990-91 stat: 125 times his name got him mistaken for a woman
It's time for another edition of The Caption, which might have run in a Newark-area newspaper in 1992: "Nets forward Terry Mills gets forward by starting to unclothe himself — first jacket, then jersey, then shorts — in the middle of a jam-packed Continental Airlines Arena on Friday during a game against the Cleveland Cavaliers in an attempt to seduce Nets TV analyst and gray fox Bill Raftery, who tries to act like he's not looking at Mills but who is actually transfixed by the slow and sensual striptease."


Dikembe Mutombo, 1997-98 Upper Deck Court Perspectives (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 5)

Name: Dikembe Mutombo
Team: Atlanta Hawks
Position: Center
Value of card: Half the crease in those jeans he's wearing
Key 1997-98 stat: A bunch of blocks, or something
Not in our house: Congolese-American center Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo (actual name, for real) is one of the greatest defensive players in NBA history. He's second on the all-time blocks list, twice led the league in rebounding, was an eight-time all-star and twice won the league's J. Walter Kennedy Citizenship Award. But does any of that excuse wearing jeans that appear to be made of linen? No, no, no.

 Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp



Karl Malone, Mark Eaton, John Stockton, 1989-90 Fleer All-Star (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 4)

Names: Karl Malone, Mark Eaton, John Stockton
Teams: Utah Jazz, Western Conference All-Stars
Positions: Hall-of-Fame power forward, regular center, Hall-of-Fame point guard
Value of card: Four pasty legs
Key 1990 stat: 6,042 locker room jokes made off of Eaton's last name
It's time to bust some balls, Matchup style:

Round 1: Ginger beard (Winner: Eaton)
Round 2: Skin that won't make you snowblind (Winner: Malone)
Round 3: Looks just as goofy sitting as he does standing (Winner: Eaton)
Round 4: Shorts that keep everything snug (Winner: Tie between Eaton and Stockton)
Round 5: Actual muscle definition (Winner: Malone)
Round 6: Bowl haircut (Winner: Stockton)
Round 7: Ability to see Eaton's bald spot (Winner: Tie between Stockton and Malone)
Round 8: Elbows like spearheads (Winner: Malone)
Round 9: Too cool for wristbands (Winner: Stockton)

Final score: Malone 3, Eaton 2, Stockton 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: This shootout came down to the buzzer, but the Mailman elbowed his way to the top past the best assist man in NBA history and a guy who resembles an ogre.

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com


Dan Majerle, 1994 Pacific Crown Collection (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 3)

Name: Dan Majerle
Team: Phoenix Suns
Positions: Shooting guard, small forward
Value of card: One "pump" of Majerle's shoes
Key 1994 stat: 13,822 unsold mozzarella sticks
Gym rat infestation: As noted on the above card, Thunder Dan opened Majerle's Sports Grill in Phoenix in 1992. The restaurant is still operating, though the menu has changed since the early '90s. Here's a recipe for one of the less popular opening-day menu items, the Thunder Danish (only Oliver Miller tried it, but that guy would eat anything):

8 oz. of flannel
1 pair of dad jeans
2 cups of flour
6 eggs that are a week past the sell-by date
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1 orange shoe lace, minced
1 20-amp fuse, crushed
1 cup of cream cheese

Combine all the ingredients except the cream cheese in a large mixing bowl and slosh around. Remove the jeans and throw them in the dryer until they shrink and harden. Let the mixture sit for five minutes, or until Mark West picks up his first foul, then place the mixture 24 feet from the nearest basketball hoop and yell at it to drive a little more often. Turn on an NBA game and eat the cream cheese with a spoon. Voila!

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com


Garfield Heard, 1973-74 Topps (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 2)

Name: Garfield Heard
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Forward
Value of card: 14 armpit hairs
Key 1972-73 stat: 34 years of newspaper comics
Some of the things Garfield "heard" in the 1970s:
  • Garfield heard that lazy orange cats with black stripes love lasagna. 
  • Garfield heard that no one ever shot a basketball like this. Ever.
  • Garfield heard, over and over and over again, that he hates Mondays.
  • Garfield heard that ashy elbows can be their own kind of defense.
  • Garfield heard that his dog, Odie, was a slobbering idiot.
  • Garfield heard it made sense to practice his free throws in a locker room shower.
Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp


Michael Jordan, Summer of '94 (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 1)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Over-under is 12 cents (Jordan took the over and lost)
Key 1993 stat: 994 ounces of sweat over 94 days of summer
Welcome to Ball-Busting Basketball Week: That's right, all you degenerate gamblers, it's NCAA tourney time, and things here at The Bust are heating up. While the nation watches its brackets get busted, we're about to treat our faithful readers (see: you, and about three other guys) to seven days of basketball cards that need their balls busted. So sit back, relax and try not to dunk your laptop in the garbage after reading these posts.
10 things Michael Jordan did in the summer of '94:
10) Stood in disbelief after one of countless terrible golf shots
9) Had someone else sign his name in gold leaf
8) Wore shorts that were long enough to be pants on normal-size human beings
7) Sweated under the heat of two suns and a basketball-orange sky
6) Caught so much air he ended up outside Mars
5) Wondered why the hell the Japanese flag's sun disk was included on a sports card
4) Worked as Paul Hogan's stunt double in the unreleased "Crocodile Dundee III: Drunk in Chicago"
3) Gambled. A lot.
2) Hit the links at his favorite country club on Tatooine under its twin suns
1) Spent hours working on his putts


Tom Henke, 1989 Donruss

Name: Tom Henke
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Closer
Value of card: Contempt
Key 1988 stat: One grudge held against the Bust
Impenetrable padding: What is Tom Henke hiding under that jacket?

A) 215 pounds of mean ol' country boy
B) 215 pounds of ham radio equipment
C) 215 pounds of insulation
D) 215 pounds of the finest Canadian porno
E) 860 pounds of all of the above


Dave LaPoint, 1988 Topps

Name: Dave LaPoint
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two airbrush strokes
Key 1987 stat: One indefinable letter on his hat
All right, it's time to get to the LaPoint:
  • He buttoned his uniform like he was a LaPriest.
  • He smiled like he was wearing LaDentures.
  • He wore a hat because he rarely got a LaHaircut.
  • He bent his hat bill like he was LaHomeless.
  • He took portraits inside a LaPrison.
  • He was direct in his conversations and always got to LaPoint.



Lyle Alzado, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 154)

Name: Lyle Alzado
Team: Denver Broncos
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: 82 piles of bronco leavings
Key 1971 stat: Always a little gassy
Hope you're hungry, because it's recipe time: Here's how to make a delicious meal of fettucine Alzado.

200 pounds of Adam Richman, the guy from "Man Vs. Food"
100 pounds of Chunk from "The Goonies"
1 pound of cold, wet noodles
82 cups of heavy cream
82 cups of grated Parmesan cheese
82 syringes of anabolic steroids

Mix all the ingredients together on a well-worn high school football field, then serve it to a bunch of sweaty offensive linemen. Note that they will likely suffer gastrointestinal issues, because no lineman can fully contain fettucine Alzado.


Rick Hirtensteiner, 1992 Bowman Foil

Name: Rick Hirtensteiner
Team: California Angels
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: All the gold foil left in the abandoned Bowman factory
Key 1991 stat: Nine seasons before syndication
Rick Hirtensteiner could be Jerry Seinfeld's twin brother; here are some of Hirtensteiner's jokes from his critically panned standup routine:
  • What's the deal with gold foil? I mean, I thought foil was supposed to be silver. We're not in a competition. This isn't the Olympics. Silver foil should be fine. It's fine.
  • What's the deal with those little buttons on shirt collars? You never unbutton them. They're smaller than the other buttons. Do they have button envy? Do they sit in bed and think, "One day, I'll be on the front of the shirt, where I'll serve a real purpose in life?" I mean, c' ... mon.
  • What's the deal with Sears portraits? I mean, what, you're buying a fridge or a chain saw and a light bulb in the light bulb department goes on, and you're like, "I need a cheesy photo of myself against a sky-blue background to hand out to all my friends." No one does that. (shakes head) Who does that? 
  • What's the deal with baseball cards? I mean, they're thin pieces of cardboard, with men on them. So other men want to collect pictures of men they don't know? You wouldn't see a man collecting pictures of doctors or engineers. No one wants tiny rectangular pictures of doctors, so why do they want tiny rectangular pictures of athletes? I mean, let's get serious people.



Hal Morris, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Hal Morris
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: First baseman
Value of card: The little rubber "W" in in racket strings
Key 1991 stat: Never actually played tennis
Things are about to get punderful: Sure, everyone knows Hal Morris was aces at the plate, but for a long time, there was one area where he wasn't king of the court: love. He cast his net at women of all ages      40, 30, even 15 once, though her father told Hal to bounce      but he was consistently left playing with his own fuzzy balls. He aimed to serve the ladies however he could, but they would just end up taking a swing at him. His failures left him high-strung, always set on finding fault. Angry, he slammed his fist into the wall, creating quite a racket. But just when he was about to retire and play singles for the rest of his life, along came a Czechoslovakian stunner named Martina whose game was the perfect match for his own.


Al Hrabosky, 1989 T&M; Senior League

Name: Al Hrabosky
Team: West Palm Beach Tropics
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One burned palm tree frond
Key 1989 stat: Sleeves 15 percent too short
Just, wow: We here at the Bust have made up a lot of tales over the past few years, but every once in a while, we come across something that needs no embellishment or flat-out lies. Such is the case here. No, that crazy-looking bearded guy in a long-sleeve orange T-shirt and white pants isn't our father      that's the Mad Hungarian, Al Hrabosky, playing for one of the eight teams in the Senior Professional Baseball Association, a league of players age 35 and older. A glimpse of the league's Wikipedia page reads like a Bust all-star game, as Rollie Fingers, Earl Weaver, Jim Morrison, Ron Washington, Jon Matlack and Juan Eichelberger all are mentioned. But the league existed for only two years, folding halfway through its second season. Our extensive research failed to turn up what led to its downfall, but it seems safe to assume that it was caused by either bankruptcy or Hrabosky's overpowering body odor.


Jeff Montgomery, 1998 Topps Opening Day

Name: Jeff Montgomery
Team: Kansas City Firemen Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Smoke inhalation
Key 1997 stat: Pulled the fire alarm 27 times as a prank
Safety first, kids: The honchos at Topps probably thought this card was pretty funny, but we see several fire code (and good taste) violations in the photo. Therefore, we see no choice but to assess some fines.
  • $50 for removing the only fire extinguisher in the building and using it as a prop.
  • $150 for having Jeff Montgomery make inappropriate gestures with the extinguisher's hose and nozzle.
  • $25 for Photoshoping flames on Montgomery's chest, defeating the purpose of him being a fireman or whatever.
  • $65 for Montgomery not strapping down his hair helmet.
  • $1,000 for subjecting us to a photo of Montgomery wearing a sleeveless, snap-down vest with no shirt underneath. Creepy.
Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp.


Derek Lowe, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 7)

Name: Derek Lowe
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Pitcher, leaning against a tree
Value of card: It's very Lowe
Key 1991 stat: Cheeks rosy 72 percent of the time
Today's fashion model: We finish this week of haute couture with a baby-faced Derek Lowe. Let's begin with the dominant element of his outfit, the tri-tone, five-stripe, size-XXXL long-sleeve polo shirt. Having been born in Michigan, Lowe stays warm      and hot!      with sleeves that would cover his fingers were they not pulled up at the wrist. Of course, Derek keeps his cool by refusing to button up his collar, thereby showing off the undershirt he's wearing under that acre of striped finery. Of course, let's not forget what's going on downstairs. With hips so slim, Derek requires not one but TWO buttons to keep his jeans from falling off. Sorry, ladies! And is it just us, or do those pockets go all the way to the knees? Of course, that may be necessary just to hold all the hearts this hunk is going to steal.


Ugueth Urbina, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 6)

Name: Ugueth Urbina
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The socks off Urbina's feet
Key 1991 stat: 37 monuments visited
Today's fashion model: Feast your eyes on a man with a cannon for an arm, a man whose fashion sense is of another caliber. From parachute shirt to shoes without socks, he's firing on all cylinders. You like shiny man legs? Boom! You like windblown leopard-print shirts. Boom! You like Bermuda shorts on a Venezuelan? Boom! Now that's some explosive style. Forget the slider and splitter, Urbina's biggest weapon is obvious: It's his subtle hint of suggestion.


Manny Ramirez, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 5)

Name: Manny Ramirez
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 6 ounces of L.A. Looks hair gel
Key 1991 stat: 26 horizontal stripes
Today's fashion model: Gaze upon young Manny Ramirez, lucky reader, as he single-handedly refocuses inner-city style in early 1990s New York. His chosen design? Stripes. How many? Enough. Stare long enough and you'll be lost in his blouse as if it were a Magic Eye poster. But don't let the stripes distract you; the real star of the shirt is the mini-mock turtleneck, a style seldom seen outside medieval cathedrals. Tantalizing, especially when packaged with jewelry. Manny's earring? Glistening in the soft spring sun. His hair? Blinding, from the overabundance of hair gel applied with a kitchen mop. Young Manny wasn't done making bold choices, oh no. He opted for the loose tuck, with his shirt tucked in but with at least 6 inches remaining in a bunch flopping over his black stonewashed jeans. That's radical. And then there's the watch. It's tough to see here, but the hour hand is a bat and the minute hand is a ball. For young Manny, it's always 12 o'clock.


Mariano Rivera, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 4)

Name: Mariano Rivera
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 17 peanut shells, stepped on
Key 1991 stat: Lived in a stadium
Today's fashion model: Here we see 14-year-old Mariano Rivera modeling the latest trends for junior boys. His cuffed and collared polo shirt featuring the logo of every NFL team can be found at finer Sears outlets near you, and it comes with a matching pajama set. His white Dockers are grass-stain resistant, making them fun and fashionable for him and easy to clean for his mom. Another point in these pants' favor: extra room in the crotch to help avoid any schooltime embarrassment      hold that Trapper Keeper up high, Mariano, no one's going to be able to tell what you've been thinking about!


Todd Jones, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 3)

Name: Todd Jones
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One of those hairstyle books you see at Supercuts, circa 1992
Key 1991 stat: Mustache thicker than eyebrows
Today's Fashion Model: Let's take a look at fierce young fireballer Todd Jones. Yes, ladies, that is a JCPenney store brand woman's blouse Mr. Jones is daring to don in this photo. But with the help of an immaculate white undershirt and two different styles of almost-gold chains, Todd pulls it off with masculine flair. What was once a flowery top has transformed into a jungle scene befitting this future Tiger. Todd keeps the fashion flowing above the neckline, as well, sporting a month-old flat top and a pseudo-handlebar mustache with a 2-inch gap in the middle of it, both of which form a lovely color scheme with his vivacious V-neck. Todd's not afraid to push the envelope with his style sense, and we give this look our stamp of approval.


Chipper Jones, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 2)

Name: Chipper Jones
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Third base
Value of card: A chip in your windshield
Key 1991 stat: Not yet retired
Today's fashion model: Here we see a dapper, young Chipper Jones looking even sharper than the cactus spines that are about to pierce his bare calves. Chipper is sporting a tasteful, pinstriped Cheetah brand long-sleeve button-down to go with his Canyon River Blues dress shorts. His woven leather belt may seem inappropriately shaped, but not after you realize it's only pointing to his sparkling new Nike sneakers and scrunched-down, knee-length tube socks. Chipper is looking quite chipper indeed, having folded at least a hint of an arch into the Braves ballcap the photographer handed him just minutes earlier. That prickly pear may be flowering, but it's Chipper's wardrobe that is truly in bloom.


Jeff Williams, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 1)

Name: Jeff Williams
Team: Hagerstown Suns (Orioles affiliate)
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Whatever you can find in that tiny, useless pocket that jeans have
Key 1991 stat: Didn't like denim; loved denim
Welcome to Bowman Fashion Week: For the next seven days, we here at the Bust will bring you some of the most hideous intriguing style choices ever to grace cardboard. The kicker? They're all from the 1992 Bowman set. It's almost as though the good folks at Bowman got together and said, "Hey, baseball is a timeless sport, so let's go ahead and feature some the game's future stars and Jeff Williams in attire that will be woefully outdated five weeks from now!" Good call, gents. If clothes make the man, then, well, check back next week for actual men.

Today's fashion model: Here we see Baltimore Orioles second-round draft pick and future flame-out Jeff Williams donning the always-hip Canadian tuxedo. Sure, he's owned those Lee jeans for the better part of five years, but that crisp denim button-down just came off the rack at Kmart last week, thanks to Mr. Williams' signing bonus. Jeff is also suave enough to remove his glove in order to show off the Casio digital watch his mom got him for Christmas. That's right, folks, this modern timepiece features both a stopwatch setting and a backlight. That's fashion and function, all on one rubber wristband!


Charlie Hough, 1993 Topps Team Stadium Club

Name: Charlie Hough
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: Whatever you find in his diaper
Key 1993 stat: 24th season, but not his last
Quotes from Charlie Hough about his role on the Florida Marlins:
  • "A lot of guys my age are in Florida. They're just retired."
  • "This teal uniform really balances well with my liver spots."
  • "My great-grandkids are looking forward to going to Disney World the next time they visit."
  • "Anyone got any extra Vaseline? My curveball's biting about as hard as I do with my teeth out."
  • "Wait, you're telling me this a Major League team? I though it was semi-pro, at best. I mean, look at this outfit!"



Alex Fernandez, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Alex Fernandez
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: $2 off furniture from Target
Key 1996 stat: Awful proud of himself, isn't he?
Alex Fernandez's train of thought from 10:22 to 10:24 a.m., February 27, 1997: "This stool is really uncomfortable. Maybe if I just sit on the very corner of it. ... Ugh, that's a little better, but now it's violating my privacy. ... Finally, this guy's ready to take some photos. OK, I know, I'll show off both my four-seam grip and the side of my glove that has my name embroidered on it. I bet people will think that's real gold. ... Should I look at the camera? It might make me seem direct and honest. Or I could look at that fly on the ceiling. That might make me seem mysterious and aloof. You know, I bet I could hit it with the baseball." (Throws baseball) "Yeah, got him! Oops, the ball ricocheted and knocked out the photographer. Oh well, at least I can stand up now. Man, that hurt. That stupid stool knows me better than my own mother, now."


Harry Colon, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Super Bowl XXIX (Football Friday No. 153)

Name: Harry Colon (a-huh-huh)
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Defensive back
Value of card: Three used groin towels
Key 1993 stat: 27 guys punched out for making fun of his name
OK, OK, just calm down: We here at The Bust pride ourselves on taking the high road. We would never make fun of a guy just because he has a funny name. Stooping so low would defeat the purpose of such a noble blog. Just because a talented, intelligent, strong, hard-working athlete has a surname that could be a schoolyard synonym for buttocks and a first name that implies said buttocks is covered in hair would never lead us to try to turn such an unfounded juvenile insult into a few thousand hundred dozen page views. No, we're far too high-brow to make a respected professional football player the butt of such a joke.