Earl Weaver, 1983 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 1)

Name: Earl Weaver
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Manager
Value of card: 2 ounces of Weaver spit
Key 1982 stat: 14 tons of dirt kicked on umpires' shoes
Baseball's back, baby: We here at The Bust believe that when you do something well, you should do it again. Nevertheless, we're bringing you the second installment of Coach-Manager Week, featuring some of the grumpiest and grimiest old men the sports world has ever seen, just in time for Opening Day.

Some make-believe sage advice from Earl Weaver, given during the photo shoot pictured above:
  • "Even if you're not drunk, look drunk."
  • "Combs are for sissies and Yankees."
  • "Orioles make for good eatin'. I'm talkin' 'bout the bird, idiot."
  • "Sometimes, you have to visit a blind barber."
  • "Wrinkles are the road map of the face. Grow some."
  • "Next time you're feelin' blue, spit on an umpire."



Larry Hisle, 1981 Donruss

Name: Larry Hisle
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 Schlitz cans
Key 1980 stat: 11 Schlitz cans consumed after the game
Here's what Larry Hisle stands for:

Ladies, I see you looking.
Are you impressed yet?
Rarely is a man this well-endowed.
Right in your face, looking back at you.
Yes, it's real.

Hard to avert your gaze.
Intentionally bold, intentionally yours.
Slightly curved, at times.
Long, strong and down to get the friction on.
Everybody knows I'm talking about my mustache, right?


Benny Santiago, 1991 Topps

Name: Benny Santiago
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 2 ounces of baseline chalk
Key 1990 stat: 3 pounds of mustache hair
Top 10 things Benny Santiago could be looking at:
10) A seagull about to deposit a lil' somethin' somethin' on his forehead.
9) Tony Gwynn floating above Jack Murphy Stadium.
8) A scoreboard showing, unsurprisingly, that the Padres were trailing.
7) He's not looking at the sky; he's in the middle of an interpretive dance routine.
6) The lights of the Goodyear blimp, and it read Benny Santiago's a pimp.
5) His soul escaping out of embarrassment after he agreed to pose for this card.
4) The San Diego Chicken taking his job a little too seriously.
3) A popup ... that's now on the ground.
2) The jheri curl mullet juice that flew into the air when Santiago whipped off his mask.
1) A self-satisfied Topps photographer balancing on a ladder.


Tony Mandarich, 1989 Score (Football Friday No. 193)

Name: Tony Mandarich
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: Not a lot of green
Key 1988 stat: 425 pounds of weights burgers lifted
Green Bay Packers' scouting report on 1989 rookie Tony Mandarich: "With a dome like that, we won't have to waste money on a helmet for him. ... We'll need to check to make sure both his eyes work. ... Sweater shows he has style; still no word on his substance. ... No chance this guy turns out to be one of the biggest first-round busts of all-time. No chance. ... We'll need to teach him how to thicken up that stringy mullet. ... Sure, he has 'man' and 'rich' in his last name, but 'duh' would have been more appropriate than 'da.' ... If he doesn't have a future on the Green Bay Packers, he probably has a future with the Sears Warehouse Packers."


Wade Boggs, 1998 Pinnacle Inside

Name: Wade Boggs
Team: New York Yankees Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Positions: Third base, free agent
Value of card: 50 cents off whatever that crap is that he's putting on his chin
Key 1997 stat: Put a bunch of that crap on his chin
Wait a minute: What is that crap Wade Boggs is putting on his chin?

A) Deodorant for that huge chin-pit of his
B) Edible sunscreen
C) The world's largest tube of ChapStick, misapplied
D) Ointment for butt-chin rash
E) None of the above


Fred Gladding, 1972 Topps

Name: Fred Gladding
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A folded-up sheet of saran wrap
Key 1971 stat: Zero fans
Fred Gladding, by the numbers:

3.13: Career ERA
3.13 percent: Chance Fred knows where he is in this photo, judging by his expression
31.3 degrees: Angle at which his crossed eyes are staring
313: Empty seats in this photo, an image that reminds us of the 2013 Astros' season
3,130: Flies caught in Gladding's open mouth during April 1972


Harold Baines, 1985 Topps #1 Draft Pick Pick

Name: Harold Baines
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Designated hitter, outfield
Value of card: #1 (cent)
Key 1977 stat: 12 designated hits (whatever that means)
Chicago White Sox scouting report on 1977 No. 1 draft pick Harold Baines: "Led his league in pop-outs — collar pop-outs. ... Sideburns have potential to hit .280. ... It's like his hair was made to have a baseball cap over it. ... Might look more like a big-leaguer if we get him out of the milkmaid outfit and into a uniform. ... No. 1 pick in the hair draft, so his future is bright. ... Has shown a lot of guts, if only for sporting that jewelry. ... We like nicknames, and 'Hair-old' is a built-in winner."


Mark McGwire, 1998 Pinnacle Naturals

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: First base
Value of card: 11 6-week-old Big Macs
Key 1997 stat: Zero accusations of performance-enhancing-drug use
The Naturals subset seems like an odd choice for McGwire; some other odd subset choices:



Kelly Tripucka, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 7)

Name: Kelly Tripucka
Team: Charlotte Hornets
Position: Forward (right, ladies?)
Value of card: 11 dead, wingless hornets
Key 1988-89 stat: One "F" missing from last name
Looking good in Charlotte: Gaze upon it, dear readers. It's the late 1980s, mullets are high fashion, and Kelly Tripucka is rockin' a winner that's matched only by his on-the-court skirt. Sure, Tripucka looks like Ben Stiller, but when you have a mullet like that ... what's that? Wait ... a ... second! Holy hemorrhaging hemorrhoids, that's no mullet! That's a conjoined twin bulging from Tripucka's back! The hair from one twin is making it look like the other is all business up front and party in the back. Well, you can't fool the Bust, Ben Stiller. You're stricken from the Mullet Hall of Fame. But, we will give you credit for the chest sweater you're hiding under that tank.


Uwe Blab, 1990-91 Skybox (Return of White Ballers Week No. 6)

Name: Uwe Blab
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Position: Center
Value of card: 17 snippets of construction paper
Key 1989-90 stat: Two 6-inch knees
Let's see what Uwe Blab stands for:

Ugh, what a name
West Germany lost its best name when Blab immigrated to the United States
Ewe-y; it's pronounced "Ewe-y"!

Legs that just don't stop
Added bonus: a ginger
Beware the bulge of the Blab


Frank Brickowski, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 5)

Name: Frank Brickowski
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Positions: Forward and center
Value of card: One half-eaten all-beef frank
Key 1990-91 stat: His most likely shot outcome was right there in his name
Time for The Caption, which possibly ran in the San Antonio Express sometime in 1990, maybe: "Spurs center Frank Brickowski looks confused while trying to inbound the ball during a rare on-court appearance Tuesday in San Antonio. Brickowski later said that he mistakenly checked into the game after mishearing coach Larry Brown, who was singing loudly to The Commodores' hit 'Brick House' during a timeout."


Fred Roberts, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 4)

Name: Fred Roberts
Team: Milwaukee Bucks
Position: Forward
Value of card: 99 cents off your next flat-top
Key 1989-90 stat: One eyebrow to rule them all
It's halftime of Return of White Ballers Week; here's a quiz: Fred Roberts played 13 seasons in the NBA, but what did he do after he hung up his sneakers?

A) He became a spokesman for the Unibrow Awareness Coalition
B) He joined the Marines, but only for the free haircuts
C) He lost a copyright lawsuit after starting his own television puppet show, "Mr. Roberts' Neighborhood"
D) He started taking part in male beauty pageants
E) He became a judge on TV hit "Top Chef"


Kurt Rambis, 1990-91 Skybox (Return of White Ballers Week No. 3)

Name: Kurt Rambis
Team: Phoenix Suns
Position: Forward
Value of card: One laser disc copy of "Rambo III"
Key 1990-91 stat: Legs constantly at a 45-degree angle
An artistic impression of this Skybox jewel: Here we see a man in the midst of struggle. His face is taut, his body straining, his mullet drenched in grease, sweat and desperation. He struggles with anger      is it toward a colleague, an official, or perhaps his coach for sending him back to the bench? He struggles with his vision, but also with the 8-pound glasses that are meant to help him. He struggles to clothe himself, wearing shorts that were clearly designed for a boy. He struggles to move past his purple-and-gold past into an orange future, as so cleverly symbolized in those geometric shapes. And he struggles with a basketball, clearly speeding through his hand and straight toward his barely covered groin. This is man. This is struggle. This is Rambo.


Dan Hester, 1971-72 Topps ABA (Return of White Ballers Week No. 2)

Name: Dan Hester
Team: Kentucky Colonels
Position: Forward
Value of card: One empty, grease-stained KFC bucket
Key 1971-72 stat: 80 percent of head covered by hair
Top 10 things that could be found in Dan Hester's muttonchops:

10) Actual mutton
9) More pimples
8) The ABA's future
7) An aroma resembling a Moroccan sewer
6) 4.2 gallons of sweat
5) 4.2 gallons of delicious bourbon
4) A family of swallows
3) Three more of those stupid necklace things that he's wearing
2) A red, white and blue basketball
1) The rest of his forehead, somehow


Christian Welp, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 1)

Name: Christian Welp
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Position: Center
Value of card: One religious tract left under your windshield wiper
Key 1989-90 stat: Only time in the spotlight was on this card
Get these men some spray-tan: It's been three years since the Bust brought out its first set of White Ballers, and the Internet hasn't been the same since. OK, it's been exactly the same, but that's not stopping us from plastering it with seven more of the pastiest dudes to ever hit the hardwood. Now, just in time for March Madness, let the mullets and short-shorts begin!
Christian didn't have a prayer: Many people believe the word "welp," most often used during awkward pauses or when there's nothing more to say, originated from the movie "Dumb and Dumber." But we linguists here at the Bust know better. The word's origins trace back to former San Antonio Spurs coach Larry Brown. You see, while Brown at first would scream Christian Welp's surname every time the center blew an open layup, gave up a rebound to a much shorter player, or had yet another pass bounce off his granite-like hands, these occurrences became so common that the coach stopped yelling the name and instead started speaking it at normal volume with hints of expectancy and resignation. Christian didn't box out? Welp. Christian threw the ball out of bounds? Welp. Christian forgot to wash his mullet? Welp, Welp, Welp.



Jerry Reuss, 1981 Topps

Name: Jerry Reuss
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 7 fluid ounces of pond scum
Key 1980 stat: 365 days lived with a sunny disposition
It's time for another thrilling pop quiz:

What has Jerry Reuss looking up?

(A) It's National Hug a Towhead Week.
(B) He thought he lost his hat, but it's right there in the left-hand corner.
(C) After six years of growth, his mustache masterpiece is complete.
(D) He's remembering his childhood acting gig playing Dennis the Menace.
(E) All of the above.


Ron Davis, 1981 Donruss

Name: Ron Davis
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: What's less than zilch? Zilch minus 1? Yes, zilch minus 1, that's what this card is worth
Key 1980 stat: It's unclear
Let's see what Ron Davis stands for:

Resolution of this card is tremendous
Obviously, quality was job No. 1 for Donruss
Negatives of this card: Innumerable

Did the photographer try to color-correct a negative?
Another example of the attention given to photo sharpness in early 1980s baseball cards
Viewing this card makes you think you've been drinking
It's like you're looking at this card through Ron Davis' glasses
Steinbrenner tried to fire the entire Donruss executive team after seeing this card


Eric Dickerson, 1987 Topps (Football Friday No. 192)

Name: Eric Dickerson
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Running back
Value of card: 12 pounds of ram dung
Key 1986 stat: 46 opponents juked out of their pants (on the dance floor)
Transcript from Los Angeles-area TV commercial for NFL-brand Windshields, circa 1987: "Hello, football fans. Eric Dickerson here, All-Pro running back for your Los Angeles Rams. Whether you want to see the whole field or the whole road, you need to get your hands on a pair of NFL-brand Windshields. (Dickerson straps glasses on his head, squeezing his cranium.) One pair of Windshields will have you covered — literally — when you're zigzagging past defenders or zigzagging in and out of traffic. You see, NFL-brand Windshields can be peeled off your face and attached to the front of your car. You're getting two products in one. So forget about NFL-brand Windshields cutting off the circulation to your brain or making your head look like a mushroom, and start thinking about the protection you need on the gridiron and on the highway. NFL-brand Windshields: the No. 1 choice when you need head-on-collision protection for your ride and your face."


Phil and Joe Niekro, 1988 Topps '87 Record Breakers

Names: Phil Niekro, Joe Niekro
Teams: Cleveland Indians, Minnesota Twins
Positions: Aces
Value of card: That brutal crease makes it worth twice as much
Key 1987 stat: 151 whippersnappers tossed off their lawns
It's time for a brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Older than dirt (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Survived the depression (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Memories of baseball cards in tobacco pouches (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Reputation as a silver fox (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Penchant for eating dinner at 4 p.m., game or not (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Experience playing against Ty Cobb (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Ready to punch you in the face for making fun of his age (Winner: Phil Niekro)

Score: Phil Niekro 1, Joe Niekro 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: As you'd expect, this was a close contest, with two brothers of advancing years going toe-to-toe. But, in the end, Phil Niekro's punch-happy attitude overcame the Twin on this card.


Rick Honeycutt, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Rick Honeycutt
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: This card's future is so bright, you've got to wear shades
Key 1989 stat: Zero times laughed after being called "B.J. Hunnicutt"
Assorted autographs from A's reliever Rick Honeycutt:
  • "Jimmy: I'm totally checking your mom out from beneath my shades. You need a step-dad?"
  • "Steph: Yes, I do think I'm better than you. Thanks for asking."
  • "To Matthew: Thanks for supporting the team. I'm keeping this pen."
  • "Bobby, yes, I know I can't hold Eck's jock. Why would I want to, you little freak?"
  • "Sarah: No, I can't tell you why this photographer is kneeling in front of me. Ask your mother      I'm totally checking her out, too."



Vince Coleman, 1986 Fleer Super Star Special

Name: Vince Coleman
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Outfield, base stealer
Value of card: The 25 cents Vince Coleman just stole from you
Key 1985 stat: Roughly 1,287 stolen bases
10 horror movie titles for this card in addition to "Terror on the Basepaths":
10) "A Nightmare on Stirrup Street"
9) "The Cardinals Birds"
8) "The Outfielder from the St. Louis Lagoon"
7) "Dr. Coleman and Mr. Smith"
6) "The Phantom of the Arch"
5) "The Missouri Uniform Massacre"
4) "Night of the Living Red"
3) "The Curse of Franken-stache"
2) "Invasion of the Base Snatchers"
1) "The Shining (Teeth)"


Dave Stewart, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Dave Stewart
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Ace
Value of card: 11 rolls of overexposed Fuji film
Key 1990 stat: Zero photos that made the front page
Dave Stewart was an accomplished amateur photographer; here are some of his greatest shots:
  • A nearly nude portrait of his friend and third-person speaker extraordinaire Rickey Henderson.
  • A shot of teammate Mark McGwire posing as a lumberjack.
  • An artistic triptych of Jose Canseco admiring a pop fly to left.
  • A seething, beautiful shot that's totally not too close to the face of catcher Ron Hassey.
  • A no-nonsense look at closer Dennis Eckersley and his Hall of Fame mullet and mustache.
  • An adorable self-portrait. Awwwwwwwww.



Pascual Perez, 1982 Topps

Name: Pascual Perez
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The bounty of a pirate — a poverty-stricken pirate
Key 1981 stat: 12 games played at a drive-in movie theater
It's time for a signature-edition pop quiz:

What's Pascual Perez's excuse for that signature?

(A) He let a 3-year-old fan sign the card.
(B) He didn't use a pen; he used jheri-curl juice.
(C) That's not his signature; it's part of a radical uniform promotion the Pirates employed in 1981.
(D) Like many a Pirate, arrgh, he had scurvy when he signed this card.
(E) All of the above.


Jose Cardenal, 1981 Topps

Name: Jose Cardenal
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield, first base, garbage man
Value of card: 12 bugs pulled from Cardenal's hair
Key 1980 stat: 2,987 hours looking shady
10 things you might not know about Jose Cardenal:
10) He never played for the Cardenals.
9) His favorite player was Oscar Gamble.
8) The "KC" on his hat stood for "Kalamazoo College," where he was a janitor.
7) His mom coined the phrase, "No way, Jose."
6) He had the ability to smile.
5) He won Best MLB Corpse of 1981.
4) He worked as an usher between innings.
3) That's a size 11 hat.
2) He rocks rough and stuff with his afro puffs.
1) He's bald beneath that hat.


Gale Sayers, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Football Friday No. 191)

Name: Gale Sayers
Teams: Chicago Bears, Chicago Hippies
Position: Running back
Value of card: One broken VHS of "Brian's Song"
Key 2012 stat: Looked neither peaceful nor loving in this portrait
Catch this pop quiz: What is Gale Sayers' coat made from?

A) Peace, love and understanding
B) Big Bird's hide
C) Various spellings of the word "love"
D) Luxurious yellow shag carpeting
E) All of the above


Mike Loynd, 1987 Topps

Name: Mike Loynd
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: An expired Hamburger Helper coupon
Key 1986-87 stat: Zero attractive photos taken
Here's what Mike Loynd and this winner of a card stand for:

Major league pitcher     no, really!
Impossible for this photo to be any worse
Kelp-colored photo backdrop was a nice touch
Eyebrows offered more heat than his fastball

Looks like someone could use a lesson in skin care
Only source of light in the room appears to be reflecting off his greasy forehead
Yes, that's his smile...
No, he's not just grinding grain with his teeth
Didn't get a chance to see Mike pitch in the bigs? You must have been busy that month.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin



Jim Pankovits, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Jim Pankovits
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Utility infielder
Value of card: Slightly lower than the intelligence in his expression
Key 1988 stat: Used bats as antiperspirant
One refined individual: Ladies and gentlemen, today we present to you Jim Pankovits, a man of wisdom, class and gravity. Mr. Pankovits was renowned for his sense of self, and because of his unwavering maturity, he was looked to as a leader both on and off the field. All baseball players should strive to be more like James Franklin Pankovits, a true professional in every manner.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti


Rollie Fingers, 1982 Donruss

Name: Rollie Fingers
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Closer
Value of card: Two free plane tickets to Milwaukee (still unclaimed)
Key 1981 stat: 22 straight victories in "best name" contests
Script from Fingers-brand Mustache Wax® television commercial, circa 1982: "Howdy, sports fans, I'm Rollie Fingers, and I know how to close. And if you want to close in on a bold new style, you need to pick up a tube of Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®. Ever feel like you look like every other guy in the boardroom or at the baseball game? Grab yourself a tube of Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®. Ever want to look like you're a 19th-century boxer or carriage driver from the Prohibition era? Grab yourself a tube of Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®. Ever feel the need to hang Christmas tree ornaments from your facial hair? Grab yourself a tube of Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®. Because with Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®, your 'stache will no longer be a secret."


Bernie Williams, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Name: Bernie Williams
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six strings (actual pieces of string)
Key 1997 stat: 12 sold-out concerts (in his basement with only his cats in attendance)
10 love songs that Bernie Williams wrote in the 1990s:
10) "Striking Out on Love"
9) "My Dinger is Yours"
8) "Touch 'Em All"
7) "My Sweet Spot is You"
6) "The Hot Hot Corner"
5) "Much More than Chin Music"
4) "Bang-Bang Play"
3) "Caught Looking (At Your Butt)"
2) "The Rubber Game"
1) "In the Hole"


Billy Sample, 1986 Fleer

Name: Billy Sample
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 6 ounces of puddle water from a Bronx gutter
Key 1985 stat: 364 sessions of teeth-whitening
It's time for another pop quiz:

Why is Billy Sample tipping his cap?

(A) He was just chosen as having Major League Baseball's best hat hair.
(B) The Statistics Professors of America just selected him as a sample of the best surname in the country.
(C) Nine out of 10 dentists agreed, that's one helluva smile.
(D) He knew he needed to do something if he was going to be on a baseball card in a T-shirt.
(E) He figured it was better than tipping his cup.
(F) All of the above.


Dick Davis, 1981 Topps

Name: Dick Davis
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Take the number of letters in his first name and divide by 4. That's the value in cents.
Key 1980 stat: Four ounces of cheese in beard
Clearing up some rumors about Dick Davis:
  • Dick Davis did not have a gold tooth. That's actually foil from the entire, still-wrapped package of Rolos he just stuffed in his mouth.
  • Dick Davis was not angry about having his picture taken. He was angry about not having any more Rolos.
  • Dick Davis was not a defensive liability. He was a defensive irresponsibility.
  • Dick Davis was not the forerunner to Fernando Rodney's style of hat-wearing. He'd just been sleeping in his full uniform again.
  • Dick Davis' photos was not the worst one in the 1981 Topps set. This one was.