Scott Eyre, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Scott Eyre
Team: Charleston Rainbows (Texas Rangers affiliate)
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 15 percent tip on nada
Key 1994 stat: 4,809 times it was impossible to live down this card
Steady your stomach, it's time for another recipe:

Rainbow balls
2 regulation baseballs
3 ounces irony
11 pints of missed puns
Dash of childlike innocence
Double entendre to taste

Take the baseballs and set them on a table. Tell an 18-year-old rookie to sit down and pretend to cut the baseballs with a plastic knife and fork. Call over a professional baseball card company photographer. Never mention you're doing this because it's hilarious that a guy sporting rainbows all over his clothes is eating balls. Ridicule the rookie incessantly when the card "comes out." Repeat each year until your career fizzles out.


Ken Griffey Jr., 1992 Upper Deck Looney Tunes Comic Ball

Names: Ken Griffey Jr., Bugs Bunny
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Outfield, down a hole
Value of card: 12 rabbit pellets
Key 1991 stat: Zero seats filled in stadium despite image being Photoshopped
It's time for a Looney Tunes edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Worldwide fame (Winner: Bugs)
Round 2: Mustache "whiskers" (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Lack of embarrassing buck teeth (Winner: Griffey)
Round 4: Righteous blue glove (Winner: Griffey)
Round 5: Shocking sexual innuendo (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Cool custom hat (Winner: Bugs)
Round 7: Anatomical correctness (Winner: Griffey)

Score: Griffey 3, Bugs 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: The laugh-a-minute cartoon rabbit put up an impressive fight, but, in the end, the turtleneck beat the hare.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp


Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, Texas Beefmaster
Value of card: A cowpie
Key 1990 stat: Zero beef mastered
Nolan Ryan's online dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: TexasBeefmaster01
Age: 13 (in horse years)
Height: 6'10" (with my boots and hat on)
Weight: 170 (without my boots and hat on)
Hair color: Brindle
Hair style: Covered
Ethnicity: Texan
Religious views: Don't mess with Texas
Marital status: Married to the ranch. Also, to my wife.
Want children? I calved a couple young'uns earlier today
Best feature: Calluses
Smoke? Only what I can roll
Drink? Moonshine

Seeking: A right fine heifer
Location: In the barn, at the stockyard, on the range      it doesn't matter
Her body type: Meaty
Her ethnicity: Angus
Her hairstyle: Matted

About me: Hello there, ladies. They call me the Texas Beefmaster (sure they do), but it's not because of the livestock I keep on my ranch. You see, I'm partial to a girl with some steak on her bones, the kind of woman who knows her way around both a trough and a haystack. It's true that I'm married, but my relationship is as open as the range that I ride. So if you're interested in knocking hooves, drop me a line and we can get low.


Rheal Cormier, 1992 Bowman

Name: Rheal Cormier
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 0.3 ounces of cardinal crap scratched off your shoulder
Key 1991 stat: One bird barely sneaking onto the card
Here's what Rheal Cormier stands for:

Real name; make that, "Rheal" name
Haircut is Little Boys No. 5
Even the cardinal looks ashamed to be on this card
Awkward grin was actually his best look
Lighting in this photo signals amateur photography

Circle change is the only pitch he could throw, apparently
Often told teammates to "keep it Rheal"
Rigid hat looks like it's made of cardboard
Meticulous grooming habits are something ...
Important to Cardinals other than Cormier
ERA was so high, it didn't seem "Rheal"
Right, that joke never gets old


Will Clark, 1991 Bowman

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: Lots of green (see above)
Key 1990 stat: 14 sourdough crabs eaten before this photo was taken
Will doesn't look thrilled; a few of the guys who had been testing his patience:



Joe Montana, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Football Friday No. 167)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One end zone seat approximately half a mile from the field
Key 1994 stat: 104 pounds of delicious barbecued meat eaten
Ummmm: Why is Joe Montana so happy?

A) Because he just threw a wedge of Swiss cheese shaped and painted like the Chiefs logo.
B) Because it's raining Gobstoppers.
C) Because he's delighted that the shadow of the goalpost is falling in a completely different direction than the shadow of his arm.
D) Because that little half-size upright is hilarious.
E) Because the artist who drew this card shared some of what he was smoking.


Fernando Gonzalez, 1974 Topps Traded

Name: Fernando Gonzalez
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates Kansas City Royals
Position: Third base
Value of card: 4 inches of yellow
Key 1973 stat: Got to third base, but only on the field
Top 10 reasons why Fernando Gonzalez should cheer up:
10) The Royals weren't nearly as bad in '74 as they are now
9) Lots of guys would kill for a full head of hair like that
8) Delicious Kansas City barbecue
7) Delicious Kansas City humidity
6) He has his health. And his mustache. And his mustache's health.
5) This Kansas City isn't actually in Kansas
4) It's a chance to build the tornado shelter of his dreams
3) The Royals also held spring training in Florida, allowing Fernando to keep wrasslin' gators
2) It's not like the Royals already had a future star of a third baseman
1) Topps only airbrushed his collar. Other players fared much worse.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti


Orel Hershiser, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Orel Hershiser
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Ace
Value of card: 16 blades of dry grass
Key 1993 stat: 11,765 hours spent going over the Dewey Decimal System
It's time for another installment of The Caption, which we're told ran in the Los Angeles Daily News in 1993: "Los Angeles Dodgers starting pitcher Orel Hershiser, left, who apparently works as a librarian in the offseason, shops at a Los Angeles-area Home Depot for specialty sod that he plans to install at Dodger Stadium because he read 11 books on the differences between Kentucky bluegrass and Bermuda grass and he has concluded that a new playing surface would qualitatively benefit his teammates by providing them a 15 percent increase in one-run victories when compared with the past five years' average, all while trying to ignore the Pittsburgh Pirates player behind him who keeps trying to hide by covering his face even though his body is sticking out in the open Thursday in Burbank."


Mike Piazza, 1997 Pinnacle Dufex Museum Collection

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 3 ounces of the dirt that gets captured in the jock strap's cup pouch during a game
Key 1996 stat: 142 pizzas eaten (Eh, oh!)
Don't mess with Piazza: Yeah, you're looking good. You're hauling tail around second, and then past third, and you're headed home. You're staring at that plate, and no one will get in your way. You can taste the go-ahead run you'll score for your team. You hustle, get down and slide toward home. And then — POW! — you get the Piazza special. Right in the dainty grapes. Right in the short-and-softies. Right in the soft-boiled eggs. Right in the tender 'ronis. Right in the oval oysters. Right in the man guts. Yup, for Piazza, the count is always two balls, one strike.


LaMarr Hoyt, 1982 Topps

Name: LaMarr Hoyt
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One fancy-pants autograph
Key 1981 stat: 14,296 holes in his mesh jersey
LaMarr Hoyt's train of thought, 1:10 to 1:12 p.m., March 7, 1982: "My God, what is that smell? Is that the photographer? I wish he'd hurry up. Wearing all these sets of lapels is hot work, even in March. I sure do look good, though. Who cares if the colors don't match      collars are so in this year. But that stench is driving me crazy! Maybe it's just Florida. Or maybe Morrison's just smoking one of his 'supplements.' Guh, I think I'm gonna barf." (Leans over and dry-heaves, hair falls across his face) "No, that's worse! Wait, is it ... it that smell coming from my hair? Oh, gross! No wonder they've been calling me 'LaMarroma'! OK, that's it, I don't care if it has only been two months, I'm showering tomorrow."

Card suggested by Tyler Kepner


Randy Johnson, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 7)

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One small unit of currency (namely, a penny)
Key 1991 stat: 2,813 items stolen
A Mariner's misdemeanor: All this week, Pinnacle has shown us what players like to do off the field. We've seen Robin Yount riding a dirt bike, John Burkett wearing pink and Jim Gott flying through the air in a Halloween costume. Now, you might think that today's card is illustrating Randy Johnson's love of photography. However, the Big Unit didn't care one bit about F-stops and zoom lenses      he just liked to steal. In the above photo, Johnson has persuaded the Pinnacle photographer to hand over one of his cameras and is telling the photog, "Thanks, sucker." Johnson then ran back to the dugout and stuffed the camera in his locker, right beside Jay Buhner's scented lotions and one of Edgar Martinez's wheels of gouda.

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp


Bob Tewksbury, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sideilnes Week No. 6)

Name: Bob Tewksbury
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Pitcher, amusement park artist
Value of card: 12 broken and paperless crayons
Key 1991 stat: Six teammates angered by his drawings of them
A quick picture of some of Bob Tewksbury's amusement park drawings of teammates:
  • Bernard Gilkey, whom Tewksbury depicted as a gracious hat-tipper with a grandpa name
  • Lee Smith, whom Tewksbury joked around and depicted as 1992 teammate Bryn Smith 
  • Andres Galarraga, whom Tewksbury depicted as a large feline
  • Felix Jose, whom Tewksbury depicted as a small feline
  • Ozzie Canseco, whom Tewksbury depicted as his twin brother, Jose Canseco
  • Ozzie Smith, whom Tewksbury, in the portrait that marked the "pinnacle" of his career, depicted as a cartoonish wizard



Jack McDowell, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 5)

Name: Jack McDowell
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Ace (of Base)
Value of card: Two drink tickets at McDowell's concert (you're gonna need them)
Key 1991 stat: 42 times talked to an angel
10 early 1990s alt-rock stories that could have applied to rocker-pitcher Jack McDowell:
10) He covered Bryan Adams' "(Everything I Do) I Do It for You" while wearing a conch-shell necklace.
9) He did a college radio commercial during which he just sighed in different tones for 30 seconds.
8) He moved to Seattle, then realized he didn't play for the Mariners.
7) He gave Alanis Morissette a "jagged little pill," if you know what we mean.
6) He "totally wrote the words 'mellon collie and infinite sadness' on a bar napkin three years — three full years, bro — before those corporate-sellout hacks the Smashing Pumpkins used it as an album title."
5) He did MTV's "Unplugged" — in his own garage.
4) He often complained, in a beaten-down tone, that the mainstream just didn't understand his goatee.
3) He had to be rushed to a hospital after nearly drowning in flannel.
2) He once stormed off the stage because a 43-year-old mother of four in the front row was wearing the same vest as him.
1) He and his band, Stickfigure, reached the "pinnacle" of their career when they played at The Peach Pit After Dark in the background of a "Beverly Hills 90210" episode.


Robin Yount, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 4)

Name: Robin Yount
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Positions: Outfield, dirt bike racer
Value of card: The dirt left in Yount's bike tires
Key 1991 stat: 118 airs caught
Script from Honda Powersports dirt bike commercial, circa 1992: "Whoooaa! Howdy, sports fans! This is Robin Yount, the most extreme baseball player who ever played the game and yelled all his sentences! (shot of Yount taking a bite out of a baseball) You know I like it to tear it up! I like to ride hard (shot of Yount riding a bike) and party harder! Woo-hooo! But I never mix riding and partying, because that would be a strikeout. (shot of Yount swinging, missing, falling down) Just kidding! I'm all about getting on my Honda dirt bike with 10 shots of Winner's Cup Vodka in my gut and two beers in my pockets* and hitting some jumps! Get some air, scabs, and get yourself a Honda dirt bike! Wooooo-hoooo!"

* Robin Yount and Honda in no way endorse drinking and riding (unless it's with your sister. Hey-o!).


Dwight Smith, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 3)

Name: Dwight Smith
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A piece of Wrigley gum, chewed and stuck under a seat
Key 1991 stat: Hit more notes than baseballs
Cut his mike: Some of you may recall that Chicago Cubs outfielder Dwight Smith in 1989 became the first MLB rookie to sing the national anthem before a game. Smith went on to sing the anthem several more times, becoming more and more confident each time he held the mike. What you may not remember is that prior to one 1991 contest, Smith belted out the "Star-Spangled Banner" and followed it up with renditions of "Sex Machine" and Bell Biv Devoe's "Do Me" before launching into a raunchy stand-up routine stolen verbatim from Andrew "Dice" Clay. Fans were disgusted and Smith's manager was furious, but Harry Caray loved every minute of the performance, calling it "the best thing I've seen since those two weirdos with the lions at the casino."


John Burkett, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 2)

Name: John Burkett
Team: San Francisco Giants
Positions: Pitcher, bowler
Value of card: The monetary equivalent of a 7-10 split
Key 1991 stat: 16 fellow bowlers blinded with shirt
It's a strike: Despite the seemingly too perfect early 1990s combination of neon-pink shirt and acid-washed jeans, this card is, in fact, real. And so are these excerpts from a 2008 interview with John Burkett from an online bowling publication, www.bowlingdigital.com. The insight you'll gain from Burkett's answers will no doubt convince you he had reached the "pinnacle" of professional bowling.

Bowling ball weight: 15
Eight favorite bowling balls ever: Red Hammer, Yellow Dot, Total NV, Secret Agent, Momentum, Gamebreaker, AMF Total Impact, Complete NV
Three keys to success at the Open Championships: (1) Try to play as straight as possible. (2) Be consistent with your ball speed. (3) TBD
Open Championships titles: 0
Forgettable Open Championships moment: (2007) 507 team series. Yuck!!!!!!
Who is your favorite bowler of all-time? Mark Roth. I was amazed how much he could rev up the bowling ball and wanted to do the same.
Twelve years from now, where do you hope to be in your bowling career? Hopefully, I've won an eagle.


Jim Gott, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 1)

Name: Jim Gott
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Pitcher, midair
Value of card: One crumbled cinder block
Key 1991 stat: Two flags judo-chopped
Let's kick off Pinnacle Sidelines Week: In 1992, cardmaker Score created a "premium" set that it named Pinnacle, and included a subset intended to highlight the off-the-field pastimes of some of baseball's stars and Jim Gott. Some players liked billiards, while others tended a family ranch, but they all had one thing in common: They were ridiculous. All this week, we're focusing on these Sidelines cards, truly the nadir of Pinnacle.
Here are 10 martial arts movies Jim Gott may have been starring in when the above photo was taken:
10) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Doofus
9) Fist of Futility
8) Kill Billy Martin: Vol. 1
7) House of Flying Dodgers
6) Shanghai Loon
5) Once Upon a Time in Some Dude's Basement
4) Enter the Dork
3) Kung Fu Pinhead
2) The Forbidden Kingdom (aka Tommy Lasorda's Bathroom)
1) The Karate You've Got to be Kidding


Curt Leskanic, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Names: 371426300, Curt Leskanic
Team: Colorado Rockies
Positions: Cyborg, pitcher
Value of card: The last number on his name tag
Key 1994 stat: 16 runtime errors
Curt Leskanic, by the numbers: It's clear from the above photo that Curt Leskanic was a cybernetic organism, serial number 371426300, that was sent back in time to wallow in mediocrity before winning Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS. But what does that number signify? Let's break it down.

371: This identifies the manufacturing plant where the cyborg was created, located underground in sub-Saharan Africa, the only place still safe and warm enough to live once the asteroid people find our planet. This is likely the same complex that produced fellow athletic cyborg Matt Riley.
42: The meaning of life, duh.
63: The half-life of the radioactive material powering this man-machine hybrid. Either that, or the rating, out of 10, of the thing's cheekbones. Grrrrowr!
00: The combined value of all baseball cards that Leskanic would appear on. Hey, those future dudes really knew what they were talking about!


Brian Downing, 1979 Topps

Name: Brian Downing
Team: California Angels
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A number the shape of a halo
Key 1978 stat: Two wings on an Angel (in his hair, not on his back)
It's time for a Southern California pop quiz:

Why, in god's name, does Brian Downing the Angel wear slightly shaded glasses?

(A) The good Lord came down from the heavens and blessed Downing's regular glasses with a holy light-brown tint.
(B) A supernatural being worshipped by hundreds of millions of people spoke to the Angels catcher in a dream and told him, "Brian, thou must look nerdier."
(C) The one all-knowing, all-powerful God shot lightning bolts through his fingers from his perch in the heavens down to the Earth, splintering a vast forest full of trees whose collective cloud of dissipating bark covered much of Southern California, including Downing's glasses.
(D) The omnipotent Providence bestowed shining white teeth and sun-bleached golden locks upon Brian Downing, an Angel, as part of His master plan to send Downing to Earth among the mortals to perform miracles and inspire His followers to perform good deeds in an effort to one day make it to heaven, where all angels wear glasses the color of Dr. Pepper vomit.
(E) All of the above.

Card courtesy of Douglas Corti


J.D. Hill, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 166)

Name: J. (big space) D. Hill
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: A hill of counterfeit cash
Key 1971 stat: 4,319 people copying his hairstyle
Introducing ... The Hill of Hair®: Gaze upon it, dear readers. You're witnessing the birth of a style, a hairstyle that is. In the esteemed tradition of The Greasy Earmuffs®, The SaberMullet®, The GreatScott®, The Soaring Mushroom® and The Ray-May May-Day®, J.D. Hill showcases The Hill of Hair®, a classic combination of afro, full beard and — the exclamation point — a part. While others used hair picks to even out their 'fros as roundly as possible, Hill made two separate hills in his hairdo, parting it in a way that at once made him an inspiration for blaxploitation movies and acceptable for a church outing. He tossed aside the conventions of the day to forge his own path, a path of pure style. For studs like this, sometimes you just look the part.


Eric Karros, 1993 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Eric Karros
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: First base, pitchman
Value of card: Two $1 bills the same color scheme as this card
Key 1992 stat: One guest appearance on the "General Hospital" spinoff "Port Charles"
Transcript from late-night TV commercial for The Shake Weight®, circa 1993: "Hey there, sports fans. Eric Karros here, Major League Baseball Rookie of the Year and all-around handsome dude. I spend my time playing with balls on the diamond, but I still need to work long and hard to stay fit. How do I do it? It's simple: The Shake Weight®. (Close-up of Karros slowly moving the weight up and down.) At my job, I need strong wrists. And to get strong wrists I grab The Shake Weight® by the shaft and jerk it up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and ... whew, whoa, what was I saying? Any way, get yourself The Shake Weight® — it's a stroke of genius."


Frank Zupo, 1958 Topps

Name: Frank Zupo
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of Zupo-brand chew spit
Key 1957 stat: 16 guys made to, hey-oh, you know, disappear
A pretty good fella: The feds were on Frankie Zupo's trail. He was a hardened gangster whose body count was one of the highest in New York, and he didn't hide from attention. But when he clipped a dirty copper, see, and he knew his time was up, see, he made a bold move, see: He changed his name ever so slightly, moved to Baltimore and started playing baseball. Surprisingly, some of his nicknames from his life of crime stayed with him between the diamond's lines.
A few of Zupo's nicknames:
  • Frankie "The Brow" Zupo
  • Frankie "The Monobrow Murderer" Zupo
  • Frankie "Two Mustaches in the Wrong Place" Zupo
  • Frankie "A Cat Died on My Face" Zupo
  • "Spanky" Frankie Zupo



Wade Boggs, 1986 Classic

Name: Wade Boggs
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Third base
Value of card: 11 bare bones from already eaten chicken wings
Key 1985 stats: 64 Miller Lites drank on a cross-country flight
Wade Boggs, apparently, was a prop comic. Here are some of his "jokes":
  • Carry around a rubber chicken; swing it like a baseball bat at underhand pitches. Drink a Miller Lite.
  • Set up a bunch of watermelons; smash them with a baseball bat all over the crowd. Drink a Miller Lite.
  • Put on a batting helmet, a batting helmet with an "arrow" through it. Drink a Miller Lite.
  • Take a seat on the dugout bench after striking out; sit on a whoopee cushion. Drink a Miller Lite.
  • Insert a big pinch of chewing tobacco — in front of chattering teeth. Drink a Miller Lite.
  • Slowly move across the diamond with an extended collar and leash; say you're walking an invisible rubber chicken. Drink a Miller Lite. 



Will Clark, 1989 Score Superstar

Name: Will "The Thrill" Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: The stitching from the inside of a sweaty butt pocket
Key 1988 stat: 14 "thrills" (with the ladies)
Great card, right? Hey, this is an awesome late-1980s William Nuschler Clark card. Nothing like a photo of a player where you can't see his face or the name on his jersey. Creases, smudges and bent corners aside, it's in perfect condition. And check out those three totally radical triangles framing the W in The Thrill's name: thrilling. At least, for the ladies, you get a nice crumpled-pocket butt shot. Score should have put out more subsets like Superstars. What an idea: Take a mediocre photo you already have, throw on a boring red-and-blue border, flush it down the toilet and voila, you have another subset that you can use to take money from kid collectors' allowances. Score? This card is anything but.

Card submitted by Travis Johnson


Herb Washington, 1975 Topps

Name: Herb Washington
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pinch Run. (period)
Value of card: 1 Washington (dollar) minus 99 Lincolns (pennies)
Key 1974 stat: Zero pitches seen
Steady your stomachs, it's time for another Bust recipe:

Pinch of Fresh Herb Washington
1 pinch of fresh rosemary
2 pinches of fresh thyme
3 pinches of fresh oregano
4 pinches of fresh sage
5 pinches of already chewed Skoal
1 dollar bill
Bucket of tears

Mix the fresh herbs, the sickening Skoal and the dollar bill in the bucket of tears. Shake mixture and pour it on the base path, not letting any near the batter's box — ever. Wait for it to do nothing and dry up. Enjoy in an empty stadium in front of as many fans as you'll ever have.


Jerry Reed, 1989 Donruss

Name: Jerry Reed
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 11 shots of saliva, poured into 11 shot glasses, all warmed in microwave
Key 1988 stat: Zero athletic-looking wind-ups over the course of the season
It's time once again for The Caption, which we're told ran in the Seattle Times in 1989: "Jerry Reed of the Seattle Mariners mimics a legitimate pitcher for a few laughs from fans off to the side of an actual baseball game while sticking out his tongue in an attempt to pretend he was concentrating on his wind-up, though it was obvious to anyone watching that the only thing he was concentrating on was looking as ridiculous as possible, on Wednesday at the Kingdome in Seattle."


Michael Irvin, 1998 Ultra Sensational 60 (Football Friday No. 165)

Name: Michael Irvin
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 88 grams of a white, powdery substance (namely, ash)
Key 1998 stat: Liked to scare people with his veiny right arm
Catch this pop quiz: What does Michael Irvin like to do all night?

A) Rock 'n' roll
B) Listen to the University of Texas fight song, even though he went to Miami
C) Settle in with a good book and a glass of Syrah
D) Have a slumber party with BFFs Troy Aikman and Jimmy Johnson
E) You know, bro. You know.

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com


Ryan Long, 1992 Bowman

Name: Ryan Long
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 16 rotten oranges
Key 1991 stat: One high school senior portrait used on a baseball card
Ryan Long's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: LongGone25
Age: 18
Height: 6 feet 2 and growing
Weight: 190 pounds and drowning in muscles
Hair color: Brunette
Hairstyle: Fresh
Ethnicity: As white as they come
Want children? Still a child
Past relationships: Dated Kelly Kapowski
Best feature: Shades
Smoke? Cigarettes aren't cool, dude
Drink? You don't have to drink to be radical

Seeking: Pretty, popular girls
Location: High school
Her height: A-plus
Her body type: Cheerleader
Her ethnicity: As white as me

About me: Hey, babes. Ryan here. I'm just a cool dude looking for a chica to be at my side. I'm pretty much the most popular guy in school, and I'm looking for a girl who's just as popular — and not make-believe. I like to cruise around in my red Camaro, make fun of nerds, shoot hoops with the bros, and wear my sunglasses at night. I hope you're cool — and hot — enough to do those things with me. Catch ya later, skater.


Al Cowens, 1984 Mother's Cookies insert

Name: Al Cowens
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Outfield
Value of card: About 2 1/2 minutes of personal flexibility training
Key 1984 stat: Fan-favorite third base coach (OK, maybe second favorite)
The freaks come out at night: When the post-game lights dimmed inside the Kingdome (RIP, our concrete-roofed friend), the evening wasn't over for Al Cowens. It ain't till the 12th inning that the party really starts. Alfred E. played for four teams during his 12-year career, racking up a lifetime .270 batting average and a .984 third-base percentage, with the ladies. Al did it in the park, and Al did it in the dark.

Card and words submitted by actual Alaskan Chris Sergeant


Mark McGwire, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: Farm League A's
Position: On one knee
Value of card: Awkwardness
Key 1992 1974 or so stat: Wore a glove made out of balsa wood
Ah, memories: Who does Mark McGwire look like in this charming photo?

A) Napoleon Dynamite
B) Mark McGwire's spinster aunt, Frances McGwire
C) That kid who had an asthma attack after getting wedgied in middle school (yeah, OK, that was us)
D) The most juiced-up 8-year-old in all of California
E) Somebody who would once hit 70 home runs in a season. In Nintendo R.B.I. Baseball, that is.


Al Leiter, 2005 Upper Deck

Name: Al Leiter
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A dead spark plug
Key 2004 stat:1 pseudo-flat-top hairdo
Wait just a darn minute: Baseball fans remember June 9, 1999, when then-Mets manager Bobby Valentine got kicked out of a game only to don a disguise and return to the dugout minutes later. But few seem to recall the bizarre event that occurred six years later, on June 17, 2005, when Mets manager Willie Randolph pulled an even more outrageous stunt. New York was getting hammered by Philadelphia 12-2. Rather than call on his bullpen, which had been exhausted in an extra-innings game the night before, Randolph in the seventh inning sent starter Al Leiter back out to the mound       along with a pitching machine and a carton of balls. It took a few minutes before umpire Ted Barrett, who also was tired from the previous night's marathon contest, realized what was going on, allowing the machine to post a line of two hits, an earned run and a hit batsman in a third of an inning. The Mets signed the machine to a one-year extension the next day.