Matt Millen, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 48)

Name: Matt Millen
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: 14 pieces of used, sweaty hand tape
Key 1990 stat: 8 pairs of sweatpants owned
Top 10 reasons Matt Millen was a man among men:
10) He made that chin cleft with a hammer and chisel.
9) His T-shirts are tucked into his tighty-whities
8) He used his hand tape to silence trash-talking opponents.
7) He always strutted around staring at the sky with his head slightly tilted.
6) His mock turtleneck is made from real turtles.
5) He used his elbow pad as a jockstrap.
4) He turned coal into diamonds between those thighs.
3) He squeezed the sweat from his shirt into a water bottle and drank it.
2) He played games in this outfit.
1) He has a pizza stuffed in the front of those sweatpants.

Matt Millen, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 48)

Rod Woodson, 1994 Fleer Pro-Visions (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 7)

Name: Rod Woodson
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One wooden rod, jammed someplace unpleasant
Key 1994 stat: Used all of the tape on his fingers. All of it.
A literal interpretation of this gridiron masterpiece: Rod Woodson and his gigantic bulge run back an interception under a 5-mile-high bridge while hurdling a series of miniature goalposts planted in a series of parallel parking spots as floodwater from a far-off electrical storm threatens the surrounding barren landscape.

Rod Woodson, 1994 Fleer Pro-Visions (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 7)

Mark Carrier, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 32)

Name: Mark Carrier
Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 1 pound of used wrist tape
Key 1990 stat: 123,981 times confused with the other Mark Carrier
It's time for another stirring, orange-and-white pop quiz:

Why is this card a stretch?

(A) Because that's not even a well-defined Tyson-esque hair line.
(B) Because he's holding his leg like a sniper rifle.
(C) Because there's no way that chain is real gold.
(D) Because this is a football card but the Buccaneers weren't really a football team.
(E) Because Carrier has no second leg.
(F) Because he's stretching, duh.
(G) All of the above.

Mark Carrier, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 32)

Tony Mandarich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 28)

Name: Tony Mandarich
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Offensive (really offensive) tackle
Value of card: Two Gatorade bottles of sweat
Key 1990 stat: 2,984 hours worked as a packer (a UPS warehouse packer, post-NFL)
It's time for a bust-on-the-Bust pop quiz:

What's that tattoo on Mandarich's left arm?

(A) It's a dagger with a sweaty, sleeveless shirt wrapped around it.
(B) It's a sword with a ribbon cascading down, symbolizing the trajectory of a career that started when he was chosen No. 2 in a draft in which four of the first five picks were elected to the Hall of Fame.
(C) It's, ahem, a syringe symbolizing, well, you know, c'mon.
(D) It's a 1980s-era homage to Guns 'n Roses.
(E) All of the ... er, it's actually D. (He also had a dog named Axl, apparently.)

Tony Mandarich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 28)

Frank Thomas, 1993 Donruss Studio

Name: Frank Thomas
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Thunder From Down Under
Position: Half-dressed first baseman
Value of card: An ounce of baby oil
Key 1992 stat: 183 portrait photos of him not looking at the camera
Kids, avert your eyes: Frank Thomas was king of Chicago in the early 1990s, bashing home runs, stealing the hearts of women and even disarming explosives. But the Big Hurt had a secret: During the offseason, he worked as a, ahem, dancer just for the thrill of it. Working under the pseudonym Thomas Frank, the slugger would put on a mask and then proceed to take off everything else for the ladies (and gents) who ventured into a dark and seedy Chicago club called The City of Big Shoulders and Bigger Other Things. His secret got out in early 1993, though, and his teammates decided action must be taken. Ozzie Guillen, George Bell and Ron Karkovice barged into the club one night while Thomas was on stage. Guillen started cursing at the slugger while Bell slung the half-bare basher over his shoulder and carried him to the car. Karkovice, however, took a seat and stayed behind.

Frank Thomas, 1993 Donruss Studio

Ricky Ledee, 1997 Bowman

Name: Ricky Ledee
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The tape wrapped around Ledee's wrist after it has been cut off
Key 1996 stat: 26 pinstripes (on his underwear)
A few of the 1997 photos of Ledee that Bowman didn't use:

• The one where his eyes are completely closed and he's smiling like a moron with his limp fist on his cheek.
• The one where his limp fist is actually inside his mouth when he's squinting and smiling like a moron.
• The one where he has both of his limp fists on his cheeks when he's squinting and smiling like a moron.
• The one where his teeth look even more crooked when he's squinting and smiling like a moron with his limp fist on his cheek.
• The normal one.

Ricky Ledee, 1997 Bowman

Bill Fralic, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 18)

Name: Bill Fralic
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Guard
Value of card: Seven broken, chewed-up, splintering toothpicks
Key 1990 stat: 286 gallons of sweat saved in closet buckets
Conversation between Bill Fralic and a Pro Line photographer, July 23, 1991: 
Pro Line photographer: "Hey, Bill. Good to meet ... whoa!"
Bill Fralic (in voice similar to David Puddy's of "Seinfeld" fame: "What's the matter? Never seen a man work out before?"
PLP: "No, no. It's just, um, don't you think you should put on pants for the shoot?"
BF: "Why would I do that? This is how I work out. Pantsless."
PLP: "Um, OK."
BF: "Sans pants."
PLP: "Got it."
BF: "Sin pantalones, amigo."
PLP: "Yeah, I understand."
BF: "Positively without pants."
PLP: "OK, let's just get this shoot over with."
BF: "Sure. Just let me put on my socks."
PLP: "Really? You're going to spread your legs in the air like that? How about I turn around?"
BF: "What's the matter? Never seen a man put on socks before?"
PLP: "Just close your legs, finish pulling up your socks and let's shoot this."
BF: "Hold on. Make sure you get my red Jockeys in the shot. My mother is going to see this."

Bill Fralic, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 18)

John Finn, 1992 Classic Best

Name: John Finn
Team: El Paso Diablos
Position: Second base
Value of card: Ticket for a free drink at Lloyd's Pub in El Paso
Key 1991 stat: His best stat in 1992 was the year
Milwaukee Brewers' scouting report on prospect John Finn: "Like his 'stache; it's straighter than his swing. ... Definitely not the hottest thing in El Paso. ... He'll have a 'devil' of a time doing anything on the Diablos. ... His name is 'John.' That's appropriate. ... Doesn't 'Finn' mean 'the end' in one of those European languages? That's appropriate, too. ... Does a heckofa job taping his wrists. Maybe we could use him on our trainer team. ... He wears his hat like jerks will in 20 years. ... We heard he's going to be featured on a Classic Best card. We'd call that a misnomer squared."

John Finn, 1992 Classic Best

Dmitri Young, 1992 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 2)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Even trade for a 3-day-old cheese zombie from a high school garbage bin
Key 1991 stat: B-minus in Algebra I
St. Louis Cardinals' scouting report on "top prospect" Dmitri Young: "This kid's got more tape than a 3M salesman. ... We're expecting him to perform in high school as well as he has in junior high. ... It would be great if we knew more about him, but we can't identify what team he plays on. ... Cummerbund points to pronounced patriotism. ... By the look of this photo, he's 47 feet tall. That's a big plus. ... We're concerned with how he'll adapt to a big-league city after playing in Amish country. ... If that's his batting stance we have a lot of work to do."

Dmitri Young, 1992 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 2)

Bryan Cox, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 140)

Name: Bryan Cox
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Six balls of discarded finger tape
Key 1995 stat: Two middle fingers for the fans in Buffalo
Football, you're doing it wrong: Bryan Cox came to games prepared. He studied opposing offenses. He spent hours in the weight room. He practiced and practiced and practiced. And he was serious about avoiding injury, too. He knew if he got injured it wouldn't just hurt him; it would hurt his teammates, his coaches and Dolphins fans. So he took extra precautions that many players thought unnecessary. He used a nasal strip to ensure he would breathe right. He taped his fingers to protect pinkies that could get broken in a dogpile. He even wore a triple-layered neck pad behind his head that stuck out almost as much as it made him stick out. But despite all of these safety steps, Cox kept suffering injuries to his face, and no matter what he did or how long and hard he thought about it, he couldn't figure out why.

Bryan Cox, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 140)

Jacob Green, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 4)

Name: Jacob Green
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: One MP3 download of a Lionel Richie song
Key 1990 stat: One song sung to 10,000 lucky ladies
Jacob Green's karaoke pickup song, circa 1990: 

"I've been alone with you inside my mind. And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times. I sometimes see you pass outside my door.

Hello. 

Is it me you're lookin' for? 

I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in your smile. You're all I've ever wanted and my arms are open wide. 'Cause you know just what to say and you know just what to do. And I want to tell you so much — I love you.

I long to see the sunlight in you hair. And tell you time and time again how much I care. Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow.

Hello. 

I've just got to let you know. 

'Cause I wonder where you are and I wonder what you do. Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you? Tell me how to win your heart for I haven't got a clue. But let me start by saying — I love you.

Hello. 

Is it me you’re lookin' for? 

'Cause I wonder where you are and I wonder what you do. Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you? Tell me how to win your heart for I haven't got a clue.

But let me start by saying — I love you."

Jacob Green, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 4)

Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps 1000 Yard Club (Football Friday No. 128)

Name: Jerry Rice
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 1,000 nothings
Key 1987 stat: 1,000 something
Let's take a look at Jerry Rice, by the numbers:

1,000: Yards receiving
1,000: Dollars spent on helmet visors
1,000: Card insert designs better than this one
1,000: Children who could have come up with a more sophisticated idea
1,000: Seconds put into this card's border illustration
1,000: Reasons never to buy a pack of 1988 Topps football cards

Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps 1000 Yard Club (Football Friday No. 128)

Ottis Anderson, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 118)

Name: Ottis Anderson
Team: New York Giants
Position: Running back
Value of card: 12 ounces of Meadowlands sludge
Key 1990 stat: Two giant feet
Clearing up some rumors about Ottis Anderson:

• Ottis Anderson didn't wear a headband that said, "Giants." He wore a headband that said, "Giant Head Behind Here."
• Ottis Anderson doesn't sport a bald head. He grows out his flowing, stark-white cotton locks. 
• Ottis Anderson doesn't wear a lot of pads. He sometimes forgets to change after starring in Michelin television commercials.
• Ottis Anderson doesn't have two massive feet. They're so big, he calls them yards.
• Ottis Anderson doesn't go by the nickname "O.J." He gave it up as part of a killer deal.

Ottis Anderson, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 118)

Barry Sanders, 1990 Pro Set Hall of Fame Photo Contest (Football Friday No. 104)

Name: Barry Sanders
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Running back
Value of card: Bag of poop (also the first-place prize in photo contest)
Key 1989 stat: 14 pounds of hand tape
It's an apt time for the return of The Caption: "Detroit Lions running back Barry Sanders, above, becomes slightly aroused when Cleveland Browns strong safety Felix Wright starts to slowly undress him on the field while the two erstwhile lovers participate in a "sensual photo" contest Wednesday in Pontiac, Mich."

Barry Sanders, 1990 Pro Set Hall of Fame Photo Contest (Football Friday No. 104)

Dan Gable, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Alternative Sports Week No. 3)

Name: Dan Gable

Team: The US of A

Position: None quite as homoerotic as this

Value of card: Three pieces of used ear tape

Key 1976 stats: One gold medal; one passionate love affair

10 names for Gable's signature move, seen above:

10) Half-Nelson, Full-Sexy

9) Third Base

8) Slightly Homosexual Pile-Driver

7) 'Taint the Move You Want to Be In

6) Crotchlock

5) Reverse Spandex Smut

4) True Love

3) The Smell This

2) Greco-Roman Romance

1) The Gay-ble

Dan Gable, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Alternative Sports Week No. 3)

Cortez Kennedy, 1990 NFL Pro Set (NFL Draft Weekend No. 1)

Name: Cortez Kennedy

Team: Seattle Seahawks

Position: Defensive tackle

Value of card: 343 pounds (pounds sterling, former British monetary unit)

Key 1989 stat: 343 pounds (actual fat-guy weight)

Camelot's finest: At 5 feet 8 and 343 pounds, Cortez Kennedy was a model of the male physique. Women swooned when he went shirtless and men sucked in their guts when he walked past. But it wasn't only his muscular makeup that drew lust. The defensive tackle was a descendant of the Kennedy clan, a part of America's royal family. This combination of brawn, brains and bravado not only set afire the ladies, it moved some of the NFL's manliest men to pursue Kennedy, to the lengths of ripping off his clothes on the field. Of course, when this happened, half the crowd fainted, half the crowd felt ashamed, half the crowd was reminded of JFK on a Cape Cod beach and half the crowd critiqued the math of those who counted what the crowd was doing.

Cortez Kennedy, 1990 NFL Pro Set (NFL Draft Weekend No. 1)