Jerry Rice, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 198)

Name: Jerry Rice
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: An old eraser that actually just leaves black marks on the paper
Key 1992 stat: Two unsportsmanlike conduct penalties for wearing a giant metal suit
Here's what this Jerry Rice card stands for:

Just remember, first off, that all of these Fanimation cards were terrible
Eyes should be shut tight like Jerry's whenever this piece of garbage comes into view
Robotic suits and codpieces: A match made in heaven
Red and Gold have never been so embarrassed (aside from drafting Alex Smith)
Yelling "I told you I didn't want to be part of this stupid subset!"

Rather odd how atrophied Jerry is from the knees down
Impossible to catch a football while firing wrist guns during a hailstorm of metal shards
Clouds? Smoke? Poisonous gas? Whatever it is, why is the sky the exact same color?
Entire Upper Deck staff should have been fired for signing off on this trash

Jerry Rice, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 198)

Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps 1000 Yard Club (Football Friday No. 128)

Name: Jerry Rice
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 1,000 nothings
Key 1987 stat: 1,000 something
Let's take a look at Jerry Rice, by the numbers:

1,000: Yards receiving
1,000: Dollars spent on helmet visors
1,000: Card insert designs better than this one
1,000: Children who could have come up with a more sophisticated idea
1,000: Seconds put into this card's border illustration
1,000: Reasons never to buy a pack of 1988 Topps football cards

Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps 1000 Yard Club (Football Friday No. 128)

Jim Breech and Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 98)

Names: Jim Breech and Jerry Rice
Teams: Cincinnati Bengals™ and San Francisco 49ers™
Positions: Kicker and wide receiver
Value of card: 6 grains of rice
Key 1987: Lots and lots of scoring, if you know what we mean
It's time for what's sure to be a lopsided edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Career points (Winner: Rice)
Round 2: NFL records (Winner: Rice)
Round 3: Super Bowl victories (Winner: Rice)
Round 4: Hall of Fame inductions (Winner: Rice)
Round 5: Wealth accumulated (Winner: Rice)
Round 6: Loving relationships (Winner: Rice)
Round 7: Personal satisfaction after retirement (Winner: Rice)
Round 8: Probability of living into old age (Winner: Rice)
Round 9: Size 5 shoe (Winner: Breech)

Score: Rice 8, Breech 1

Synopsis: As usual, Rice dominated the competition. He won in all the major categories, barely breaking a sweat. But the Hall of Famer couldn't win the final round, when Breech squeezed his tiny size 7 kicking foot into a size 5 shoe because he thought it gave him better accuracy to get the ball between the uprights. Speaking of getting things "between the uprights," did we mention Rice scored a lot more than Breech?

Postscript: Wow, 100 Football Fridays. To think, when Football Fridays started the Internet didn't have nearly as much crap clogging it up. It has been a long trek, but don't expect the self-serving slop to stop focusing on the big guys in pads and helmets. Hut, hut ... hurl.

Jim Breech and Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 98)

Jerry Rice and Joe Montana, 1990 Fleer Super Bowl MVPs (Football Friday No. 81)

Names: Jerry Rice, Joe Montana

Team: San Francisco 49ers

Positions: Wide receiver, quarterback, Hall of Famers

Value of card: Two grains of rice in the Montana back country

Key 1989 stat: One word, "Superbowl," which, of course, is two words, which is embarrassing for Fleer

A legendary edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Hall of Fame inductions (Winner: Tie)

Round 2: History of dominating without equal at chosen position (Winner: Tie)

Round 3: Command of disarming charm that works the world over (Winner: Tie)

Round 4: Perfect IQ score, achieved without looking at questions (Winner: Tie)

Round 5: Endowment of superhero powers of mind and muscle (Winner: Tie)

Round 6: Ability to walk on water (Winner: Tie)

Round 7: Status as omnipotent being (Winner: Tie)

Score: Rice 0, Montana 0, Ties 7

Synopsis: For the first time in their Earth-bound lives, Rice and Montana don't score. But how could they? They knew they were competing against each other, and chose to let the Ties get the seven points.

Jerry Rice and Joe Montana, 1990 Fleer Super Bowl MVPs (Football Friday No. 81)

Jerry Rice, 1990 Action Packed (Football, er, Sunday No. 50)

Name: Jerry Rice
Team: San Francisco 49ers(TM)
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: One bug-ridden box of Uncle Ben's
Key 1989 stat: Zero things seen
In the headlines: Blind receiver elected to Pro Football Hall of Fame
This quiz is totally trademarked:

What's going on here?

(A) Jerry Rice has blindfolded himself to level the playing field.
(B) Jerry Rice has blindfolded himself because his face is trademarked.
(C) Jerry Rice has blindfolded himself to avoid the glare off Joe Montana's winning smile.
(D) Jerry Rice has blindfolded himself for dirty, dirty reasons that can't be repeated here.
(E) Jerry Rice has blindfolded himself because of all of the above.

Jerry Rice, 1990 Action Packed (Football, er, Sunday No. 50)