10.02.2014

Scott Pose, 1992 SkyBox AA


Name: Scott Pose
Team: Chattanooga Lookouts
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A box full of nothing but sky (that is, air)
Key 1991 stat: Never convinced anybody of anything
Get your story straight: This Scott Pose card is as confusing as it is worthless. Here are just some of its contradictions:
  • The guy's name is Pose, but this is clearly a live-action shot of him crashing into the wall      right?
  • He plays for the Lookouts, but he clearly wasn't looking out for his own dignity when agreeing to this shot.
  • This photo was purportedly taken in Chattanooga, but, given the exposed wiring and crumbling masonry, that sure looks like the Oakland Coliseum to us.
  • The card says he's a "pre-rookie," but we all know that's not actually a thing.
Card submitted by Al Filipczak


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10.01.2014

Enrique Romo, 1981 Fleer


Name: Enrique Romo
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 11 pounds of compost
Key 1980 stat: 3 months spent as a compost collector
It's time for a disheveled pop quiz:

What does Enrique Romo have a problem with?

(A) Uniforms
(B) Razors and haircuts
(C) One itty-bitty earlobe sticking out
(D) Sub-par baseball cards
(E) Fake pirates
(F) You, punk
(G) All of the above
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9.30.2014

Dizzy Trout and Steve Trout, 1985 Topps Father-Son


Names: Dizzy Trout, Steve Trout
Teams: Boston Red Sox, Chicago Cubs
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Ask your father
Key 1984 stat: 14 loving embraces between father and son
It's time for a family-friendly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: 1950s math teacher glasses (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 2: Feathered coif that could feel at home atop the head of a 1980s all-woman pop-rock group (Winner: Steve)
Round 3: Ears that are threatening to take flight (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 4: Symmetrical eyes that don't beg for the nickname "Dizzy" (Winner: Steve)
Round 5: Honor of being immortalized in a work-of-art illustration (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 6: Possibly, maybe, seemingly racist logo on the card (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 7: Fishy last name (Winner: Tie)

Score: Dizzy 4, Steve 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: In a battle between a couple of Trouts, the big fish comes out on top thanks in part to some little weird red dude swinging big lumber with a bigger chin.
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9.29.2014

Champ Summers, 1984 Topps


Name: Champ Summers
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Not much, champ
Key 1983 stat: Zero championship belts
Here are some of the things that Champ Summers was the champ of:
  • Stick-on mustache competitions
  • Magenta mugshot background challenges
  • Sleeve abundance contests
  • Creepy, staring pose tournaments
  • Summers

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9.28.2014

George Seifert, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 52)


Name: George Seifert
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Head coach
Value of card: All the real gold that's in that jacket
Key 1990 stat: 14 early-bird specials
Some of 49ers head coach George Seifert's best plays:
  • Gold 7 jacket's buttons hook
  • Grey right silver fox square out
  • Double pleated pants seam left 
  • Solo left 6-gallon hat on three
  • Red right gold left blinded by outfit on sight hut hut hike

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9.27.2014

Jeff Montgomery, 1989 Donruss


Name: Jeff Montgomery
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Closer
Value of card: A fifth of Winner's Cup Vodka
Key 1988 stat: 387 evil stares
It's time for a hateful pop quiz:

What has made Jeff Montgomery so angry?

(A) He's enraged about being named after the capital of Alabama.
(B) He's furious about having a unibrow when he scrunches his face in fury.
(C) He's outraged about being associated in any way with Donruss.
(D) He's irate about being pictured with a scowl on his face even though he's a happy-go-lucky chum.
(E) All of the above.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp
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9.26.2014

Fred Dryer, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 211)


Name: Fred Dryer
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Positions: Defensive end, actor
Value of card: 1 Beta tape of "Hunter"
Key 1976 stat: 7 years before starring as Detective Sgt. Rick Hunter
It's time for a Hollywood-tinged pop quiz:

How were Fred Dryer's acting skills on display in this card?

(A) He's not really a guy with a beard; he's just playing one.
(B) He's acting like he really takes the field without shoulder pads.
(C) Bending over suggestively, he's putting on a show for the ladies.
(D) He's pretending he doesn't want to spear-tackle the photographer for helping put him on this abysmal card.
(E) All of the above.
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9.25.2014

Joe Pettini, 1981 Topps


Name: Joe Pettini
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Shortstop, third base
Value of card: It's complicated
Key 1980 stat: You wouldn't understand
An ode to Joe Pettini: Joe, oh Joe. You're a complicated man. You dress like a cat burglar and carry the moniker of a salami maker. Andy Warhol, the master of the pop art movement, found your look so intriguing, so mesmerizing, that he painted the portrait above and sold it for a buck seventy-five when he was high on mescaline. Joe, oh Joe. How do you feather your mullet so? How can you see lunar pebbles on the moon with 14-pound glasses that make women swoon? Tell us the secrets of your mustache-like sideburns and sideburn-like mustache. Joe, fair Joe, thank you for being our work of art.
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9.24.2014

Bruce Bochy, 1987 Fleer


Name: Bruce Bochy
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A nickel, swallowed and then crapped out
Key 1986 stat: Hated having his photo taken, apparently
Other than a 35-pound chew, here's what else could be in Bruce Bochy's mouth:
  • His catcher's mask
  • A second (and third) mustache
  • The San Diego Chicken's headpiece
  • A whole case of sunflower seeds
  • A roll of film he forcibly took from the cameraman
  • Rookie Benny Santiago's entire lunch
  • A 65-pound chew

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9.23.2014

Don Mossi, 1966 Topps


Name: Don Mossi
Team: Kansas City Athletics
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A bucket full of dead squirrels
Key 1965 stat: 276 women wooed
Let's see what Don Mossi stands for:

Desirable men like this don't come around often
Ostentatious display of sexuality? Check
Never underestimate the animalistic allure of Mr. Mossi

Masculinity is off the charts
Opposite-sex attraction was only half the story
Seductive gazes enchanted the ladies
Stunning combination of attractive features
Inviting? Absolutely; why don't you just head to his bedroom now?
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9.22.2014

Bud Harrelson, 1979 Topps


Name: Bud Harrelson
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Shortstop, second base
Value of card: See that "P" on his cap? It stands for "pennies."
Key 1978 stat: An eighth of a mustache
Ten things Bud Harrelson's sunglasses couldn't block out:

10) The laughter of grown men who saw him wearing baby blue
9) The laughter of women who saw him take off that uniform
8) The laughter of children who saw the way he held the bat
7) The laughter of teammates every time he took batting practice
6) The laughter of everyone at his hint of a mustache
5) The laughter of his manager whenever he asked to pinch hit
4) The laughter of fans any time his batting average was shown
3) The laughter of his parents whenever he told them he had a date
2) The laughter of the cashier who sold him those sunglasses
1) The sun

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9.21.2014

D.J. Johnson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 51)


Name: David "D.J." Johnson
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One broken "DJ Hero" turntable
Key 1991 stat: 365 times reflecting on the day
D.J. Johnson's train of thought from 7:02 to 7:04 p.m., Aug. 3, 1991: "Wow, what a beautiful sunset. I bet it'll make my biceps look awesome. Wait, are my sleeves still rolled up? Yep, good. Lookin' good. ... I wonder how well my mullet will show up in this light. I mean, it'll be clear that I'm all business up front, but the ladies need to know about the party in the back. ... Too bad picture day is today. Another month, and this mustache would totally be filled in. Oh well, I'm sure my wrist brace will draw attention away from it. ... Is this guy done taking my photo yet? It was a lot of work spraying myself with all that water in order to look sweaty. I need a shower."
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Brett Butler, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 7)


Name: Brett Butler
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Disgust
Key 1985 stat: Constantly disgusted
Wake up, Nancy: Oh, what's that? You've been having nightmares all week because of these dream-haunting Diamond Kings? Well, Brett Butler doesn't want to hear it. He thinks you need to get your act together and quit whining. He doesn't care about how frightening some of these illustrations are, and he doesn't give one crap about how you sometimes wake up screaming. You want to know fear? You want to know bone-chilling terror? Try being a Major League Baseball player with the same name as a Hollywood actress. You might never sleep again.
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9.20.2014

Jose Cruz, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 6)


Name: Jose Cruz
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A shot of Jose (not Cuervo)
Key 1984 stat: 512 bones in face, apparently
A real looker: The fear struck into the hearts of men (and women) by Jose Cruz has been previously documented on this site. Even Dick Perez was so horrified that all he could come up with for a background was a purple square. Let's review: There's the soullessness of Jose's eyes, which can bore through any skull and see the deepest fears therein. There's the rapey gaze that makes people of all genders clench their legs shut even more quickly than when they hear the word "prolapse." And then there's the monobrow, which      well, actually, that monobrow is pretty funny. Imagine being Perez and painting that thing in. If he hadn't been so terrified by the rest of Cruz's face, it probably would have been the best moment of his Donruss career.
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9.19.2014

Charlie Hough, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 5)


Name: Charlie Hough
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: A huff and a puff
Key 1996 stat: 52 bottles of Just For Men purchased
Hinting at retirement: What's so scary about this Diamond King? Well, as usual, you've got your faceless tiny man in the corner      you'll definitely be seeing him when you close your eyes tonight. There's also the lesson in how not to apply self-tanning products that is Old Man Hough's face. That thing's streakier than the inside of his adult diaper. But perhaps the biggest can of nightmare fuel is that giant fork that Dick Perez has shoved in Charlie's back. Good lord, man, what did this old-timer do to tick you off? Either that, or you were trying to hint that it was time for Charlie to call it a career      stick a fork in him, he's done.
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