10.31.2014

Patrick Ewing, 1997 Sports Illustrated for Kids (Halloween Special 2014)


Name: Patrick Ewing
Team: New York Ticks
Positions: Center, monster
Value of card: One bolt in the neck
Key 1997-98 splat: 26 games played
Happy Halloween from the Bust. Here are a few things that Patrick Ewing and the Knicks have in common with Frankenstein:
  • Frankenstein's monster shuffled around slowly when walking. Sounds like Patrick Ewing in the late '90s to us.
  • Frankenstein's monster was sewn together using parts from stolen from corpses. We're pretty sure Ewing's knees have a similar story.
  • "Young Frankenstein" is pretty funny, but not as funny as New York Knicks basketball.
  • "Frankenstein" is a horror story, but if you want to scare a Knicks fan, just tell them Isaiah Thomas is taking over as GM again.

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10.30.2014

Phil Niekro, 1979 Topps


Name: Phil Niekro
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 pounds of wilted lettuce
Key 1978 stat: 1 big-league brother
Here's how Phil Niekro introduced himself in 1979:
  • "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I'm your garbageman."
  • "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I frighten children when I look at them."
  • "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I founded Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory."
  • "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and you'll see me in your nightmares."
  • "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and all that hair is actually coming from my ears."
  • "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I like to knuckle things."

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10.29.2014

Bill Wegman, 1989 Upper Deck


Name: Bill Wegman
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 3 pieces of gum stuck under a stadium seat
Key 1988 stat: Zero games viewed from the dugout
It's time for another exciting pop quiz:

Why was Bill Wegman sitting in the stands?

(A) He had a smart, smart manager.
(B) Brewers management would try anything to increase attendance.
(C) He figured, "What the hell? I won't be pitching anyway."
(D) He'd do anything for an $8 beer.
(E) All of the above.
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10.28.2014

Bill Swift, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice


Name: Bill Swift
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 2 home movies from the Swift family collection
Key 1994 stat: 601 hours of out-of-focus video shot
Bill Swift was quite the documentarian; here are some of the movies he made:
  • "Giant Disappointment: The Bill Swift Story"
  • "Balls and the Runs: A Sport from Below the Waist"
  • "Being Swift: How One Pitcher Overcame a Lack of Speed"
  • "Turtlenecks for Him: A 1996 Appreciation"
  • "How to Fail at Two Things at Once Without Really Trying"
Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp
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10.27.2014

Jim Lyttle, 1979 TCMA Japanese Pro Baseball


Name: Jim Lyttle
Team: Hiroshima Toyo Carp
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Carp crap
Key 1978 stat: Kept telling his buddies he had signed with the Reds and had the helmet to prove it
Fun facts about Jim Lyttle and actual carp:

  • Carp are an oily freshwater fish native to Europe and Asia. Lyttle was an oily ballplayer who moved to Asia to get fresh with the ladies.
  • Some carp species have a large hump along their backs. With a sweet mustache like his, you know Lyttle did a lot of humping back in his day.
  • Types of carp include goldfish and koi. Lyttle's glasses resemble an aquarium.
  • Many families eat carp in some parts of the world. Lyttle's play was so poor, he had a hard time feeding his family.
  • Several species of carp are considered invasive species, and millions of dollars are spent trying to control them. Lyttle's body odor was considered invasive, and dozens of teammates tried to make him shower more often.

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10.26.2014

Dan McGwire, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 56)


Name: Zubaz      er, Dan McGwire
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Two stripes
Key 1992 stat: Refused to be photographed from the waist up
Clairvoyance: Don't get us wrong, this Pro Line Portrait definitely is shameful. Ol' Danny boy here has more shoes than a Foot Locker and pants loud enough to make Marlee Matlin wince, after all. But what's more amazing is the prescience of the photographer who took this shot. He clearly knew that 20 years later, Dan McGwire would be a faceless figure, forgotten about and relegated to lists of biggest draft busts in NFL history, but that Zubaz pants would live forever. All hail the Zubaz!
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10.25.2014

Jay Baller, 1990 CMC


Name: Jay Baller
Team: Omaha Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: If you cut out that imperfection smudge on the left side of this card and offered it to someone on the street for a dollar, this card is worth the spit that would wind up on your face.
Key 1989 stat: 77 strikes (not strikeouts; just strikes)
Royals' scouting report on minor league prospect Jay Baller: "Says here this guy is a Baller. We have no indications of that. ... Might want to bring him to Kansas City if Omaha throws in a couple of steaks. ... Pitching skills aside, he has a real chance to make the Name Hall of Fame. ... Mustache? Baller. Mullet? Baller. Baseball skills? Not baller. ... Baller? I barely knew her! Ha! Wait, we're supposed to be evaluating this guy?"

Card submitted by Al Filipczak
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10.24.2014

Golden Richards, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 215)


Name: Golden Richards
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: It's worth its weight in gold, divided by zero
Key 1977 stat: Punched anyone who called him by his given name, John
A real golden boy: Mr. Richards here preferred to go by his middle name, Golden. Here are a few other nicknames bestowed upon him by his teammates.
  • The Towheaded Towel Boy
  • Butterfingers
  • Nancy
  • The Blond Benchwarmer
  • Goldenbangs

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10.23.2014

Vicente Romo, 1974 Topps


Name: Vicente Romo
Team: San Diego Padres Washington "Nat'l Lea."
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three soggy cardboard boxes
Key 1973 stat: Spilled mustard on his jersey 142 times without anyone noticing
Jumping the gun: In 1974, it appeared that the San Diego Padres were about to be sold and moved to Washington, D.C. Topps, with its high standards of quality (*cough*) decided it would print its set on the assumption the sale would go through, replacing the city and team name, even though the latter wasn't yet known (hence the ever-so-helpful "Nat'l Lea."). However, McDonald's owner Ray Kroc stepped in at the last minute and purchased the Padres, keeping them in town with no changes      not even in their terrible play or bodily function-colored uniforms.
And now, a quiz: How can we tell Vicente Romo is expecting to relocate, based on his above photo?
(A) He's pointing up toward the air, either at a plane or the home run ball he just surrendered.
(B) His sideburns distinctly resemble an aircraft's landing gear.
(C) His uncut hair appears to be flying away from his body.
(D) He's wearing a parachute as an undershirt.
(E) All of the above
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10.22.2014

Greg Gross, 1989 Fleer


Name: Greg Gross
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 dead frogs being eaten by maggots
Key 1988 stat: 9 straight hours locked in a construction site portable toilet
Let's see what Greg Gross stands for:

Grody dude
Rank undershirt
Elephant Man: also gross
Grimy glasses

Grungy look
Repugnant uniform color
Offensive odor
Scuzzy 'stache
Sickening resemblance to another Gross
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10.21.2014

Reggie Jackson, 1973 Topps


Name: Reggie Jackson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's clear it's worth nothing
Key 1972 stat: 2,216 photos of Jackson in 1972 better than this one
It's time for The Caption, which we know didn't run in the Oakland Tribune in the early 1970s: "Reggie Jackson, center, might be throwing a ball from the outfield at the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum in a game against the Chicago White Sox, but because the photo is so blurry we're not even sure this was against the White Sox, or even that it was taken during a baseball game, or, for that matter, whether it's really Jackson, on Tuesday in Oakland, maybe."
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10.20.2014

Rich Batchelor, 1991 Classic Best


Name: Rich Batchelor
Team: Fort Lauderdale Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 square inches of tarp
Key 1990 stat: Zero runs allowed during rain delays
Yankees' scouting report on pitching prospect Rich Batchelor: "From our research, he does well in an empty stadium with no other players on the field. ... Despite being a Batchelor, we don't need to worry about him getting sidetracked with the ladies. ... If he doesn't work out, we could deal him to the 'Revenge of the Nerds' production team. ... We can foresee a future on the New York Yankees, as the assistant to the traveling secretary. ... Rich Batchelor, poor pitcher."

Card submitted by Al Filipczak
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10.19.2014

Earnest Byner, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 55)


Name: Earnest Byner
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Running back
Value of card: Earnestly ... nothing
Key 1990 stat: 761,964 stretches
Some of the sounds and words Earnest Byner uttered during this stretching session:
  • Ooooh
  • Ahhhhh
  • Feel it. Feel it. Feel it.
  • Oooooh, yeah.
  • Thigh power. Thigh power, baby.
  • Hey, who are you and why are you taking my picture?
  • I've been really trying, baby. Trying to hold back these feelings for so long. And if you feel, like I feel baby. Come on, oh come on. Let's get it on.
  • Ya-ouch! Groin pull!

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10.18.2014

Rusty Kuntz, 1982 Topps


Name: Rusty Kuntz
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One Rusty Kuntz autograph with the last name misspelled
Key 1981 stat: 162 unusually long autograph lines after games
It's autograph time with Bust favorite Rusty Kuntz:
  • "Dear Charlie, yes, that's my real name. Ha ha, you're pretty funny."
  • "To Sean: No, I've never met Dick Pole. Why do you ask?"
  • "For Nick: Yep, it's my real name, honest. Thanks for asking."
  • "To Chris: No, I don't have any sisters. But if I did, yes, I'm sure they'd be real Kuntzes."
  • "Dear Isaac, yes, my name is really Rusty Kuntz. You people are so original."
  • "Richie, this is a pretty nice glove. Maybe I'll just keep it."
  • "For Gordon: Yep, that's my real name. Is that your real face, jerkwad?"

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10.17.2014

Sterling Sharpe, 1995 Fleer Pro Visions (Football Friday No. 214)


Name: Sterling Sharpe
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 7 shards of glass
Key 1994 stat: 116 cuts
Some explanations for this high-concept (cough, cough) illustration:
  • Sharpe is breaking through the glass ceiling after men named Sterling had been held back for decades by people with normal names.
  • Sharpe is jumping from space and shattering the sky because, you know, that makes sense.
  • Sharpe is on a wicked-awesome trip after mistakenly eating the wrong kind of brownies at a music festival.
  • Sharpe is a pawn of an unimaginative artist playing off his last name as an illustrated pun that really doesn't make sense (kind of like the Bust).

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