2.01.2015

Pat Swilling, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 70)


Name: Pat Swilling
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Bark
Key 1992 stat: 27 trees hid under during lightning storms
This quiz is swill: How come Pat Swilling's relaxing half-naked under an oak tree?

A) You got a better idea on how to spend a Tuesday?
B) Waiting for you, sweetheart. Just waiting for you.
C) He's getting back to his roots.
D) He's trying to sneak a peek up Kosar's shorts.
E) All of the above.
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1.31.2015

Greg Anthony, 1992 Topps Draft Pick


Name: Greg Anthony
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The dictionary page with the word "bust" on it, torn out
Key 1991 stat: Always tried to blend into the background
San Diego Padres scouting report on draft pick Greg Anthony: "He's got three solid pitches      by which we mean we need to limit his pitch count to three. ... He's very insistent that we change our uniforms to paisley. ... Plus-plus ability to pose in front of trees. ... Almost strangled himself with his own necklace a couple of times. ... Eats Vienna sausages by the case. ... It's always risky drafting a two-sport start, but he could pay off. Wait, this is UNLV's Greg Anthony, right? No? That's it, I resign."
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1.30.2015

Al Davis, 1992 Pro Line Throwbacks (Football Friday No. 225)


Name: Al Davis
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Owner
Value of card: One black hole
Key 1992 stat: Just won seven games, baby
Good ol' Al: Al Davis was definitely proud of his three Super Bowl victories. Here are a few other things he was proud of.

  • His all-white wardrobe
  • Sunglasses with chains on them
  • His chicken-skin
  • JaMarcus
  • A commitment to excellence*
*Expired in 2002
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1.29.2015

Dwight Bernard, 1983 Fleer


Name: Dwight Bernard
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The clump of hair clogging your shower drain
Key 1982 stat: One side of beard an inch longer than the other
Brewing up a pop quiz: Why is Dwight so unhappy?

A) The team told him he had to start bathing
B) The team told him he had to evict the family of sparrows living in his hair
C) The team told him he had to get bigger glasses
D) The team told him he had to wear baby blue both on and off the field
E) The team told him he could do whatever he wanted      because he was no longer on the team

Card submitted by Douglas Corti
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1.28.2015

Willie Upshaw, 1997 Oh! Henry Toronto Blue Jays Team Set‏


Name: Willie Upshaw
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Hitting coach
Value of card: Something sticky on your shoes
Key 1996 stat: 841 candy bars eaten
Fun facts about Willie Upshaw and candy bars:

  • Candy bars always sound good, but are bad for you in the long run. Willie Upshaw never really sounded good and was definitely bad in the long run.
  • Some candy bars come in a "king size" variety. Willie Upshaw had king-size eyeglasses.
  • Some candy bars are advertised as being light and fluffy. Willie Upshaw's mustache was the opposite of that.
  • If you leave a candy bar in your pocket, it will get too warm and melt. Willie Upshaw would still eat that candy bar.
  • Candy bars sometimes contain nuts. You had to have been nuts to make Willie Upshaw your hitting coach.
Card submitted by Douglas Corti

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1.27.2015

Trey Beamon, 1996 Upper Deck Star Rookie


Name: Trey Beamon
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One-third of a Chuck E. Cheese token
Key 1995 stat: Beat your high score on "Daytona USA"
It's The Caption, which might have (but didn't) run in the Pittsbugh Post-Gazette around 1996: "Pirates rookie Trey Beamon plays a racing game at a local video arcade Tuesday. It was a welcome change of pace for Beamon, who has been playing nothing but 'Punch-Out' at the plate so far this season."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti
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1.26.2015

Pablo Torrealba, 1979 Topps


Name: Pablo Torrealba
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Pit stench
Key 1978 stat: Zero forearms exposed
Oh, good lord: What are those things coming out of Pablo's nose?

A) More lapels
B) Black mollies
C) Mold spores
D) Newborn kittens
E) A mustache that somehow is less hideous than the uniform

Card submitted by Douglas Corti


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1.25.2015

Ricky Ervins, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 69)


Name: Ricky Ervins
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Running back
Value of card: See that bracelet? Even less than that
Key 1992 stat: One fine for indecent exposure at the neighborhood park
Black belt in awkwardness: Here are a few martial arts that Ricky Ervins enjoyed.
  • Topless taekowndo
  • Kitless krav maga
  • Unclothed karate
  • Au naturel aikido
  • Manflesh muay thai
  • Nude-o judo

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1.24.2015

Luis Mercedes, 1992 Star


Name: Luis Mercedes
Team: Frederick Keys (Orioles affiliate)
Position: Second base
Value of card: Absolutely nothing
Key 1991 stat: Rated best-bunting second baseman who also shared a name with a car
Start your engines: In 1992, the Keys were hoping Luis Mercedes could help them Ford their way to a title with his Jaguar-like speed and Ram-like power. Alas, Luis's average was Mini and his strikeout rate rocketed toward Infiniti. Quickly, Orioles management opted to Dodge a bullet and made the Smart decision, saying Tata to Luis in what was truly a Saab story.
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1.23.2015

Pat Woodcock, 2004 Jogo CFL (Football Friday No. 224)


Name: Pat Woodcock
Team: Ottawa Renegades
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 1,000 giggles
Key 2004 stat: Wore a shirt that said "Woodcock" to work
Do not pass Go, do not collect $200: Congratulations, Pat Woodcock, on your first-ballot, unanimous Bust Name Hall of Fame erection election. Only the best, such as Rusty Kuntz, Dick Pole and Steve Sharts, have achieved this honor so quickly      but there's no doubt that Woodcock stands up to the test.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti


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1.22.2015

Mickey Hatcher, 1991 Upper Deck


Name: Mickey Hatcher
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Zero new ideas
Key 1990 stat: 13 RBI
We've been here before: In 1991, Upper Deck was still a new brand, full of fresh ideas and energy. That was, until this card got produced. Oh, gee, Mickey Hatcher with a giant glove. How original! Why not go all out and get Glenn Hubbard to pose with a python, ask Jay Johnstone to put on his umbrella hat, and get Jose Canseco to take his shirt off? Yep, this was the moment Upper Deck moved to the cheap seats.
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1.21.2015

Doug Frobel, 1984 Donruss


Name: Doug Frobel
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 25 cents off a cup of froyo
Key 1983 stat: Bathed twice
People who Doug Frobel got mistaken for:


Card submitted by Sean Griffin

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1.20.2015

Ozzie Canseco, 1991 Upper Deck


Name: Ozzie Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A replica penny
Key 1990 stat: One walk
Ways in which people could determine Ozzie from his twin brother Jose:

  • Ozzie was the smart one
  • Jose was the one with the back-ne
  • Ozzie was the one who showered
  • Jose was the one who thought Big Mac actually owned McDonald's
  • Ozzie was the one in the minors
  • Jose was the one who shot off his own finger

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg

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1.19.2015

Eric Show, 1991 Topps Stadium Club


Name: Eric Show
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One used G string
Key 1990 stat: Mastered the art of seduction
Music and mullets: Major League hurler Eric Show also knew his way around a guitar. Here are a few songs he penned.
  •  "White Pants Blues"
  • "Hammock of Love"
  • "That Old Curly Mullet Magic"
  • "Those Aren't Blood Stains on My Patio"
  • "Check Out My Big-Bodied, Long-Necked Beauty      and My Guitar"
 Card submitted by Brian Blaine
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1.18.2015

Dale Carter, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 68)


Name: Dale Carter
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: A soggy receipt from Taco Bell
Key 1992 stat: 1,503 gallons of water wasted
First towel off, then take this pop quiz: What the heck is Dale Carter doing?

A) Practicing waterboarding so he can work for the CIA after his football days are over
B) Always shy of showering in the locker room, this is how Dale bathed at Arrowhead
C) Washing out his eyes after a particularly bad rookie hazing stunt
D) Having a drinking problem
E) All of the above
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