Name: Kurt Stillwell
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Value of card: This 1986 Topps Kurt Stillwell card is worth as much as two other 1986 Topps Kurt Stillwell cards. Why? Because they're all worthless
Key 1985 stat: 4,213 Blood gang members who owned this jacket
It's time for a blinding-red pop quiz:
How could there be more red on this card?
(A) Stillwell could be a forever-cursed full ginger rather than a forever-cursed half ginger
(B) The whites of Stillwell's eyes could be red, just like the whites of the eyes of all who looked at this card
(C) Stillwell could have been exposed as a Soviet spy 10 seconds before this photo was taken
(D) More zits.
(E) All of the above.
Name: Dick Butkus (shush)
Teams: Chicago Bears, Bushwood Country Club Duffers
Positions: Linebacker, kneeling
Value of card: 7 over par
Key 1992 stat: Two black socks, two white golf shoes
10 "Caddyshack" quotes that could use the word "Butkus":
10) "Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a Butkus in it."
9) "This Butkus still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it."
8) "In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, 'Au revoir, Butkus.' "
7) "Hey, Butkus, you must have been something before electricity."
6) "Cinderella story, out of nowhere, former greenskeeper, now about to become the Butkus champion!"
5) "When you buy a hat like this, I bet you get a free bowl of Butkus, huh? Oh, it looks good on you, though."
4) "You're a lot of Butkus, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
3) "Don't sell yourself short, Judge, you're a tremendous Butkus."
2) (Breaks wind at dinner) "Whoa, did somebody step on a Butkus?"
1) "It's in the Butkus!"
Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Value of card: A used piece of gauze
Key 1990 stat: Tasted his own blood, as well as that of 28 others
Oh, nothing to see here: First off, Jesus H. Christ. Nolan's a real gamer, all right. Of course, we're pretty sure that only some of that is the Ryan Express's own blood. Here's what we believe the reaction would be upon unwrapping this card at various ages:
Ages 5-9: "Mooommmmmyyy!"
Ages 10-17: "Bad frickin' ass!" *Intentionally busts own lip before next Little League/high school game*
Ages 18-26: "Big deal, he's only bleeding from the mouth."
Ages 27 and up: "This makes Schilling's bloody sock look effeminate."
Name: George Alusik
Team: Detroit Tigers
Value of card: Neck lumps
Key 1961 stat: Was 26 years old; looked 46
By George: What nickname did Mr. Alusik's teammates use for him in 1962?
A) Throat Bulge Alusik
B) George Are-You-Sick
C) George Alu-Sit-On-The-Bench
D) That Weenie Who Can't Hit
E) All of the above
Name: Fred Breining
Team: Montreal Expos
Positions: Pitcher, stuffed in locker
Value of card: Hard to see any value here
Key 1985 stat: Didn't play a game in the big leagues
More great work, Topps: Here we have Fred Breining, one of the least photogenic people to ever walk the Earth. The 18-pound glasses, the flowing blond-ish mullet, the sense that he can't actually see anything in focus, even with those spectacles. But where Topps really takes the cake here is with Breining's "outfit." You see, the pitcher was with the Expos all of the 1984 season. Sure, he only played in four games due to a shoulder injury, but apparently Topps was unable for more than a year to get a photographer north of the border to get a shot of him, even just standing around. Instead, they bestowed upon us this treasure, showing Breining, clearly in Candlestick Park, with an airbrushed hat and a jacket so heavily doctored it looks like he's wearing a satin sheet as a cloak. That's just great, guys, you should really take pride in this effort. *puking sounds*
Card suggested by Tyler Kepner
Name: Jay Johnstone
Team: Chicago Cubs
Value of card:
Key career stat: Played for 20 years; played more than 100 games in nine of them
Clearing up some rumors about Jay Johnstone's, um, hat:
- Jay Johnstone's hat is not made from the labels of all the beers he drank last night. It's made from the labels of all the beers he drank in the dugout during the game.
- Jay Johstone's hat is not meant to protect him from rainfall. It's meant to protect him from all the things thrown at him by disgruntled Cubs fans.
- Jay Johnstone's hat is not meant to advertise the King of Beers. I mean, they sell these cards to kids, and alcohol is never marketed to kids, right?
- Jay Johnstone's hat does not say "Budweiser" on it. It says "Cubweiser," a brew that was best enjoyed in 1908 and hasn't been anywhere near as good since.
Name: Rob Deer
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Value of card: Six deer pellets
Key 1985 stat: Four months of hunting season
Hope you're hungry, it's recipe time: Here's how to cook steamed Rob venison
212 lbs. freshly cleaned Rob venison
14 oz. unkempt mullet mane
6 tbsp. bourbon-infused cheeks
4 pinches unseasoned chin
2 tsp. lip sweaters
Dash of pun
Gently rub the freshly cleaned Rob venison until tender. Add dash of pun. Giggle. Combine venison with mullet mane and toss. Add bourbon-infused cheeks, unseasoned chin and lip sweaters. Boil water. Place venison mixture in massive colander and affix loose-fitting lid. Wait. Wait. Wait. When Rob venison is steamed, run away.
Name: Paul Sorrento
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: First base
Value of card: $1 (if you tape a dollar to it)
Key 1995 stat: At least one time making the same face as the team logo
Ten dumbest things Paul Sorrento did for photo day at Jacobs Field:
10) Told the photographer that he was "an older, more sophisticated Jim Thome"
9) Put on an Indians uniform even though he was in the process of being traded to Seattle
8) Asked the photog if having his picture taken would steal his soul
7) Shaved his arms
6) Shaved his legs
5) Shaved his back
4) Swore that "Sorrento" is Italian for "immortal ninja"
3) Drank orange juice right after brushing his teeth
2) Took batting practice in center field
1) Smiled like a big doofus all damn day
Name: Phil Simms
Team: New York Giants
Value of card: One protein shake, spilled
Key 1980 stat: Weighed 135 pounds
Places you may have seen Phil Simms around the time the above photo was taken:
- In the middle school cafeteria, eating lunch
- Getting his booster shots at the pediatrician's office
- Trying to sneak into an R-rated movie with his buddies
- Sitting at the soda fountain, reading a comic book
- Waiting impatiently at the beach while his mother slathered sunscreen on him, and then getting sunburned anyway
Name: Brian Hunter
Teams: Detroit Tigers, Westside crips
Positions: Outfield, thief
Value of card: It's worth — wait, where did that money go?
Key 1998 stat: 74 stolen bases (Get it? Get it?)
Let's take a look at Brian Hunter, by the numbers:
- 74: Stolen bases in 1997
- $62: Cost per base
- $4,588: Total cost of stolen bases
- 156: Letters sent by Major League Baseball seeking repayment
- 156: Letters sent by Major League Baseball seeking repayment that Hunter ignored
- 12: Collection agencies that failed to find Hunter behind that mask
- 22: Charges brought against Hunter in a court of law
- 21: Charges on which Hunter was convicted (fashion police charge thrown out)
- 74: Years Hunter was sentenced to prison
- 1: Conviction reversed upon appeal on the grounds that baseball card company Topps was responsible for a gut-wrenching pun that forced Hunter into a life of crime
Name: Joe Randa
Teams: Kansas City Royals; Kmart teen model talent pool
Positions: Third base; posing
Value of card: 1/100th of an ounce of fake gold foil
Key 1991 stat: 14 catalog spreads
Here's what Joe Randa stands for:
Jeans were as tight as his turtleneck was mocked
Obsession cologne overdose could have killed a family of skunks
Everyman look starts with a sweet white-boy wave
Rugby jersey straight from Sears' Cherokee line
Acid-washed jeans drove the ladies wild
Nondenominational church belt shows a touch of class
Dumb look on his face was part of the ensemble
Another example of studly 1990s style
Name: Rodney Craig
Team: Charleston Charlies
Value of card: What?
Key 1992 stat: Where?
Clearing up some rumors about minor-leaguer Rodney Craig:
- Rodney Craig is sooooooo not baked in the above photo. He's just having to squint from the glare off his sweet gold medallion.
- Rodney Craig's medallion does not have any mystical powers like this guy's does. If it did, he wouldn't be playing minor-league ball in Charleston, S.C.
- Rodney Craig is sooooooo not baked in the above photo. Wait, huh? We already said that one? Wait, are there any more Doritos?
- Rodney Craig's head is, in fact, the size of one of Jupiter's moons. He wore a size 9 batting helmet and his teammates called him "Buckethead." No, really, we're not making this one up!
Name: Joe Morgan
Team: Boston Red Sox
Value of card: A bowl of "tomato soup" (actually just a whole tomato in a bowl of warm water)
Key 1988 stat: Saddest eyes in the American League
Fun facts about former Red Sox manager Joe Morgan and Reds Hall-of-Famer Joe Morgan:
- Red Sox Joe Morgan hit .191 in 88 big-league games during his career. Reds Joe Morgan had somewhat better statistics.
- Red Sox Joe Morgan was fired after four seasons despite winning two division titles in that span. Reds Joe Morgan lasted 21 years as an announcer for ESPN despite having just two good calls the entire time.
- Red Sox Joe Morgan spent much of his time sitting on the bench. Reds Joe Morgan once sat on Johnny Bench, after the catcher had fallen asleep in the locker room.
- Red Sox Joe Morgan managed one of the game's all-time leading jerks. Reds Joe Morgan played with one of the league's all-time leading jerks.
Name: Jim Eisenreich
Team: Florida Marlins
Value of card: One used paper towel
Key 1996 stat: Cursed constantly, though it had nothing to do with him having Tourette syndrome
Sad but true: Jim Eisenreich made the horns sign everywhere he went
Name: Dickie Thon
Team: San Diego Padres
Value of card: More when it's ripped up into tiny pieces and used as confetti
Key 1988 stat: 11 showers (all season)
Here's what Dickie Thon stands for:
Dung-colored uniforms smell like they look
Inside that mind? Dirty, dirty thoughts
Caterpillar died above his lip
Killer — lady killer
Insect species by the dozen living in that hair mess
Eyes looking into the sun, and they'll soon melt
Tells women he sang "The Thon Song"
Horrible card crop not as bad as his hair crop
Other than featuring the worst photo of all time, this card isn't that bad
Never was introduced to a comb
Name: Harry Colon
Team: New England Patriots
Value of card: 40 days and nights of laughter
Key 1991 stat: Ran around with "Colon" written on his jersey
Here's what Harry Colon stands for:
Had a knack for wiping
Athletes named after parts of the bowels are always worth a laugh
Remember how good the Patriots were in the early '90s? Neither do we.
Rectum? He damn near killed him!
Yeah, sorry. Forgot his name was Colon, not Rectum. Because that would have been ridiculous.
Clearly, this guy stunk
Oh yeah, he wasn't good at football, either
Lone break in the humiliation came when Patriots signed fullback Hugh G. Reckshon
OK, time for the moral of the story:
Nobody likes a Harry Colon
Card submitted by Douglas Corti