7.31.2014

Brett Favre, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 4)


Name: Brett Favre
Team: Green Bay Packers
Positions: Quarterback, knight
Value of card: 2 bags of the finest spice (spoiled)
Key 1993 stat: 41 dinners at Medieval Times
Possible names for Brett Favre had he been a knight in the middle ages:
  • Sir Brett Plumehead
  • Lord Favre of Lambeau
  • Knight of the Green-and-Gold
  • Grey Beard, Protector of the Cheeseheads
  • Brett the Unshaven, First of His Name
  • Prince Packer of House Bulge

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7.30.2014

Drew Bledsoe, 1995 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 3)


Names: Drew Bledsoe, Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor
Teams: New England Patriots, 13 colonies
Positions: Quarterback, infantry
Value of card: 1 Massachusetts pound (no longer in circulation)
Key 1994 stat: Zero times sacked when protected by a guy with a gun
It's time for a revolutionary edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Awesomeness of hat (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 2: Intricacy of uniform (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 3: Manly look on face (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 4: Height (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 5: Courage (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 6: Ability to shoot you in the face (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 7: Ability to shoot dirty Redcoats in the face (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)

Score: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor 7, Drew Bledsoe zero

Synopsis: It was never much of a contest, and who can blame Bledsoe or the judges? The nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor has a big gun and looks like he's ready to squeeze the trigger until it goes "pop ... pop."
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7.29.2014

Rick Mirer, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 2)


Name: Rick Mirer
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 2 ounces of seabird excrement
Key 1993 stat: 3 gallons of seawater drank
A stoner explains what's going on with this card: "Dude, pass that, man. Oh, sorry, man. Yeah, yeah. I was just about to start. Yeah. I got it, bro. Jeez. So, you're, like, looking at this guy, Rick Mir-ir-er or something. How do you say his name? Miiii-rer. Miiii-rer. Dude, if you say it slow it's hilarious. So this guy is playing football in the ocean, and his pants are all wet. ... Pass that, man. ... Dude, oh my god, man, my pants are wet, too. Did you spill that bong water on me? Oh, dude, it stinks! Bro, I'm going to barf. Hold on, pass that. ... OK, so this dude is taking a bath with a bird or something and he's looking at me and is all like, 'Hey, dude, why you looking at me take a bath with a bird, bro? That's not cool.' And he's right, man. That's not cool. Those wings are pretty cool. Dude! Great idea. Let's get some hot wings, man!"
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7.28.2014

Ken Norton, 1995 Fleer Illustration Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 1)


Name: Ken Norton
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: All the paper-and-ink gems on those paper-and-ink rings
Key 1994 stat: Zero rings worn during games
Welcome to Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week: We really hit the ball out of the park (cough, cough) last year with Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week, so, with football just around the corner, we wanted to take the drug-fueled fun to the gridiron, too. Pack those bowls and grab some buds, we're supplying you with seven days of illustrated football posts only a stoner can appreciate.
Sleep tight, Kenny: Ken Norton was deep in the depths of a dream when he imagined himself dancing among the clouds, muscles flexed, as glittering rings rained down from the heavens. Oh, it was a glorious dream. And this was the song playing:

It's raining rings! Hallelujah!
It's raining rings! Amen!
Ken's gonna go out to run and let myself get
Absolutely soaking wet!
It's raining rings! Hallelujah!
It's raining rings! Ammmmmmeeennnnn!
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7.27.2014

Duane Kuiper, 1979 Topps


Name: Duane Kuiper
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Second base
Value of card: As many cents as home runs hit in Kuiper's career
Key 1978 stat: Zero home runs
It's time for a homerless pop quiz:

How many home runs did 12-year veteran Duane Kuiper hit in his career?

(A) 1
(B) 6,543 - 6,542
(C) The same amount as the number of C's on his cap
(D) Uno
(E) All of the above
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7.26.2014

Bob Jones, 1986 Topps


Name: Bob Jones
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Outfield, first base
Value of card: Deep in the heart of Texas, it's still worthless
Key 1985 stat: 741 times mistaken for one of the other 1,851,091 Bob Joneses
Here's what Bob Jones stands for:

Blacked out, but only because of his shades
Often said to have his head in the clouds
Background looks like a John Denver song

"Jake and the Fatman" was his favorite show
Only rocked American-themed cummerbunds
Neck seems to have a face on it
Exactly the type of player you want playing OF-1B
Sauntered around town in this pose

Card submitted by Sean Griffin
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7.25.2014

Charley Taylor and Fred Biletnikoff, 1975 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 204)


Names: Charley Taylor, Fred Biletnikoff
Teams: Washington Redskins, Oakland Raiders
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 6 pigeon feathers covered in bird poop
Key 1974 stat: 2 alien-looking football helmets on this card
It's time for an All-Pro edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Mustache that's like the road most traveled (Winner: Taylor)
Round 2: Name that sounds like it could be a Soviet rifle (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 3: Always-looking-up attitude (Winner: Taylor)
Round 4: Always-looking-ready-to-kill attitude (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 5: Perfectly coiffed 'fro (Winner: Taylor)
Round 6: Comb-over mullet combination of lore (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 7: Dude you wouldn't want to see lurking in the shadows (Winner: Biletnikoff)

Score: Biletnikoff 4, Taylor 3

Synopsis: In a close contest between two All-Pros, the Hall of Famer with the dead eyes proves a guy with hippie hair can still be a winner.
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7.24.2014

Kent Hrbek, 1989 Topps Mini


Name: Kent Hrbek
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: First base
Value of card: Like the card, mini-mal
Key 1988 stat: 1 missing E in last name
Kent Hrbek's train of thought from 4:16 to 4:17 p.m. July 21, 1988: "Hmm ... what am I doing here? ... Hmm ... Oh, that's right, I'm here to play baseball. ... Baaaasssseeebaaallllll ... Man, this helmet doesn't fit right. ... It's so small. ... In fact, this whole environment seems small. ... Whoa. ... It's like I've shrunk. ... What is happening around me? ... Where ... am ... I? ... It's as if I've become ... mini. ... I'm mini. ... Damn you, Topps! ... Damn you!"


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7.23.2014

Shon Ashley, 1988 California League All-Stars


Name: Shon Ashley
Team: Stockton (Calif.) Ports
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2 NewPorts
Key 1987 stat: 7 days spent in Stockton 1 night
Seattle Mariners' scouting report on minor-league prospect Shon Ashley: "Five-tool player. Of course, one of those tools is a hammer and another is a wrench. ... Minor-league 'stache, big-league arm hair. ... Tough to evaluate anyone in a uniform like that. ... Decent argument to bring him up just to get the poor guy out of Stockton. ... Could distract the pitcher if he actually bats like this. ... Not sure we want anyone on our team who spells 'Shon' like that."

Card submitted by Zach Jones
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7.22.2014

Dave Stewart, 1982 Donruss


Name: Dave Stewart
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Whatever Stew says
Key 1981 stat: 451 people intimidated
It's time for a serious pop quiz:

Would you mess with Stew?

(A) No.
(B) Hell no.
(C) Absolutely not.
(D) For the love of god, no.
(E) (runs away)
(F) All of the above
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7.21.2014

Luis Aquino, 1991 Upper Deck


Name: Luis Aquino
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1/22,100 of the cost of those gold chains
Key 1990 stat: 18 pounds of jewelry
Some things you might not know about Luis Aquino:
  • His mustache was so razor-sharp he used it to shave off his sideburns.
  • His mullet alone qualified him to be a ranchera singer.
  • In this photo, he was staring down Mr. T in a chain-intimidation attempt.
  • He had as many holes in his cheek as he did in his jersey.
  • He went on the 15-day disabled list with neck fatigue.

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7.20.2014

Tommy John, 1982 Topps


Name: Tommy John
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's value is fuzzy
Key 1981 stat: Zero revolutionary surgeries
Photos so crisp, it's like you're at the ballpark: Above we see another fine example of that world-renowned Topps quality in the 1980s. But the blurry, washed-out picture on this card had to beat out a handful of other options, one would think      they were probably as follows:
  • A blurry photo of Tommy John's windup from the back side
  • A blurry photo of Tommy John standing in the dugout
  • A blurry photo of Tommy John picking his nose
  • A blurry photo of Tommy John's UCL scar
  • A blurry photo of some guy named John Thomas
  • A perfectly clear photo of Reggie Jackson with Tommy John in the background

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7.19.2014

Pete Vuckovich, 1984 Topps


Name: Pete Vuckovich
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher, swamp cooler repairman
Value of card: One copy of "Major League" on VHS (with no VCR to play it)
Key 1983 stat: Enough hair to clothe a third-world country
The joke's on us: Dear readers (yes, all eight of you), we owe you an apology. It has come to our attention that early in our run of mediocrity, we passed on to you some bad information. You see, Pete Vuckovich here was featured on the second card we ever posted on this site, and the story that accompanied it, it turns out, was blatantly false. Pete was never a swamp cooler repairman; in fact, his major league career lasted 11 season and he even won the Cy Young! That'll teach us to believe everything we hear from Bob Uecker.
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7.18.2014

Conrad Dobler, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 203)


Name: Conrad Dobler
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Guard
Value of card: The same as if this card was ripped into tiny pieces
Key 1977 stat: Hair on only three-quarters of scalp
Conrad Dobler's musical train of thought from 9:45 to 9:47 a.m., Oct. 23, 1977: "Mister Trouble never hangs around when he hears this mighty sound: 'Here I come to save the day!' That means that Mighty Conrad's on his way. Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right, Mighty Conrad will join the fight. On the sea or on the land, he gets the situation well in hand. We're not worryin' at all. We're just listenin' for his call. 'Here I come to save the day!' That means that Mighty Conrad's on his way."
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7.17.2014

Bob Kipper, 1986 Topps


Name: Bob Kipper
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: As much garbage as you can fit in that hat
Key 1985 stat: 365 kips (British slang for naps)
Conversation between a Topps photographer and Bob Kipper during spring training in 1986:
Topps photog: "Hi Bob, we're gonna take some photos      um, you don't have to do the one-knee pose if you don't want to, you know."
Bob Kipper: "Huh? Oh, hey, man. You got any chips? And dip?"
TP: "Hmm, no. I was just going to take your picture. Do you want to stand up?"
BK: "No, man, I'm good. Standing's just so strenuous, you know? It's much cooler staying close to the ground. With the Earth."
TP: "Well, I guess that'll work. Can you open your eyes a little more, though?"
BK: "My eyes are open, man. Wide open. I can see everything, you know?"
TP: "Oh yes, and I can see what you've been up to, for sure. But before a baseball game? That's so nuts."
BK: "Doughnuts? I love doughnuts! Can I have one, man?"
TP: "Um, sure." (Hands Kipper a batting doughnut) "Chew on that for a little while."
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