Sammy Sosa, 1994 Studio

Name: Sammy Sosa

Team: Chicago Cubs

Position: Outfield

Value of card: 75-cent haircut in the Dominican Republic

Key 1993 stat: 716 "finger gun" salutes

10 names for Sammy Sosa's 1993 haircut:

10) The Turtleneck Topper

9) El Feo

8) Cascade into Widow's Peak, No. 4

7) The Big "C" (for "catastrophe")

6) The Finger Gun Flat Top

5) The Drunken Barber

4) Razor Gasp Raiser

3) Fine Lines Between Fashion and Failure

2) The Result of Years of Drug Abuse

1) Hairdo Not

Sammy Sosa, 1994 Studio

Rod Nichols, 1989 Topps

Name: Rod Nichols

Team: Cleveland Indians

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Tax receipt from pair of oversize glasses donated to Goodwill

Key 1988 stat: 4-inch-by-5-inch glass lenses

Time for another pop quiz:

What did Rod Nichols do in the offseason?

(A) Collect nickels

(B) Sit in a white panel van outside preschool playgrounds

(C) Influence hip-hop with his "pop-yo'-collar" look

(D) Teach chemistry

(E) All of the above

Rod Nichols, 1989 Topps

Jeff McKnight, 1991 Topps

Name: Jeff McKnight
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Utility player
Value of card: Three cans of Doc McKnight's Mustache Thinner
Key 1990 stat: Four RBI. Seriously.
Clearing up some rumors about Jeff McKnight:

• McKnight did NOT wear sunglasses. Instead, he purchased reading glasses and shaded them in with a No. 2 pencil.
• McKnight did NOT have a mustache. Instead, he trimmed locks from his golden mullet and stapled them to his upper lip.
• McKnight DID in fact star in a TV pilot, called "McKnight Rider," about a baseball player who moonlights as a rodeo star. The show did NOT co-star the lovely Delta Burke.
• McKnight DID have his own baseball card despite appearing in just 29 games in 1990. This was due in large part to his golden mullet.

Jeff McKnight, 1991 Topps

Mark McGwire, 1990 Mother's Cookies insert

Name: Mark McGwire

Team: Oakland A's

Position: First base

Value of card: Cookies

Key 1989 stat: Take what's in the glove. McGwire commands it!
10 things we wish Mark McGwire were offering us:

10) An actual game-worn first baseman's mitt!

9) A place to rest our weary heads

8) A delicious Big Mac

7) Eternal glory

6) An all-expenses paid trip to scenic Oakland

5) The Cream, but not so much the Clear

4) A reprise from his piercing glare

3) The secret of how he squeezes into such tight-fitting pants. Ooh-la-la!

2) The location of the rest of his sleeves

1) A chance to win this infernal staring contest

Mark McGwire, 1990 Mother's Cookies insert

Jose Canseco, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Jose Canseco

Team: Texas Rangers

Positions: Outfield, pitchman

Value of card: First shipment is free; just enclose $14.95 for shipping and handling

Key 1993 stat: Two massive biceps, courtesy of "Care-oids"

Script from "Care-oids" television commercial, circa 1994: "Howdy, fellas. I'm Jose Canseco. You probably know me from my exploits on the diamond. (Cut to clip of Canseco hitting ball, lifting hand above eyes to shield sun, and watching ball fly out of stadium.) But nothing I do on the field would be possible without what I do in the weight room. (Cut to clip of Canseco bench-pressing an attractive woman.) I may be the strongest player in the majors, but it's not all god-given talent. (Canseco struts through weight room, shirtless.) You see, I have my own kind of spotter when I'm pumping iron. (Rapid zoom to close-up of product.) It's called 'Care-oids,' and I wouldn't trust my muscles to anything else. You see, 'Care-oids' is a scientific breakthrough meant to help athletes reach their top level of performance without all the hassle of working out more than a few minutes a day. Here's how it works. (Cut to Canseco bending over a weight bench, slightly pulling down his spandex gym shorts.) Just take one of our patented 'Care-oids Super Syringes,' and fill it up with a healthy dose of 'Care-oids.' Flick the needle once or twice, stick it in your rear end, and, voila, you're on your way to becoming twice the man, and twice the athlete. (Cut to Canseco doing curls.) Take it from me, I wouldn't be curling these nearly 8-pound dumbbells if it weren't for 'Care-oids.' And get this: We'll send your first shipment free. That's right. After that, just head down to 64th Street and Jefferson, stand next to the Dumpster for a while, and wait for Reggie to show up with your next shipment in a brown paper bag. It's that easy. (Cut to close-up of Canseco flashing a big smile.) Remember, if you care about sports, and you care about your body, you'll get a lot of stares with 'Care-oids.'"

Jose Canseco, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Cory Snyder, 1987 Topps

Name: Cory Snyder
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A pair of scissors
Key 1986 stat: One mullet bleached
And the "Can I Finish?" Award goes to: Cory Snyder was having a bad day. While driving to spring training in Tucson, Ariz., cars kept swerving in front of him. Once he arrived at camp, his teammates wouldn't let him get a word in edgewise. That jerk Brett Butler kept stealing all his fly balls, and Joe Carter jumped ahead of him in line for BP. It only got worse when he saw his Topps rookie card, which looked like it bad been mangled by Freddy Krueger. "Great," he said. "What's next? Is some writer gonna put together an article on me where the end gets cut o

Card submitted by Greg Schindler

Cory Snyder, 1987 Topps

Charles Mann, 1991 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 33)

Name: Charles Mann

Team: Washington Redskins

Position: Defensive end

Value of card: "Bend over and I'll show you," Mann says

Key 1990 stat: Two massive traps

It's time for a pigskin quiz, sans shirt:

Why is Charles Mann the man?

(A) His muscles have muscles, which have muscles on top of muscles

(B) He pulls off the cutoff-sweatshorts-over-spandex look

(C) His mustache is as long as a normal man's arm

(D) When he crushes balls, no one makes a joke about it

(E) All of the above

Charles Mann, 1991 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 33)

Mark Langston, Jim Abbott, Chuck Finley, 1993 Upper Deck Teammates

Names, from left: Mark Langston, Jim Abbott, Chuck Finley
Team: California Angels
Positions: Pitcher
Value of card: Four red shoes, two gray shoes
Key 1992 stat: One triple pitch
Party of three for — The Matchup:

Round 1: Best mullet (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Hands (Winners: Langston and Finley)
Round 3: Sternness (Winner: Abbott)
Round 4: Bulge (Winner: Langston)
Round 5: Smokin' hot ex-wife (Winner: Finley)
Round 6: Jauntiness (Winner: Finley)
Round 7: Ability to overcome adversity (Winner: Abbott)
Round 8: Hands, again (Winners: Langston and Finley)

Score: Finley 4, Langston 3, Abbott 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Sure, they have the same haircut, but in the battle of "Lethal Lefties," Chuck Finley outmullets the competition — to death.

Mark Langston, Jim Abbott, Chuck Finley, 1993 Upper Deck Teammates

Andre Dawson, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Andre "The Hawk" Dawson

Team: Chicago Cubs

Position: Outfield

Value of card: An afternoon of laughter by teammates

Key 1992 stat: 239 clumsy stumbles

The Hawk says it's pop quiz time:

What caused Andre Dawson to fall?

(A) His massive flip-up glasses weighed him down.

(B) He was attacked by a hawk that didn't approve of his nickname.

(C) It's not Dawson; it's three players dressed like him whose homoerotic conga line went wrong.

(D) At his advanced age, he mistook a brick wall for third base.

(E) He slipped on the tears of title drought-weary Cubs fans.

(F) All of the above.

Andre Dawson, 1993 Upper Deck

Rick Waits, 1986 Topps

Name: Rick Waits

Team: Milwaukee Brewers

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: 50 cent tip for performance at country-western bar

Key 1985 stat: 4 ounces of blue food coloring in eyes

10 country songs Rick Waits wrote before his foray into baseball:

(10) "The Blue-eyed, Brewin' Bandit"

(9) "My Facial Hair Six-String"

(8) "Beard for My Horses (And Whiskers for My Teammates)"

(7) "On the Road Again ... and Losing"

(6) "No Razor, No Class, No Problem"

(5) "Rhinestone Middle Reliever"

(4) "Pale and Proud of the U.S.A."

(3) "All My Ex's Live in Unincorporated Parts of Milwaukee County, in the Same Mobile Home Park"

(2) "Ginger Went Down to Georgia"

(1) "Achy Breaky Beard"

Rick Waits, 1986 Topps