Name: Pascual Perez
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Value of card: The bounty of a pirate — a poverty-stricken pirate
Key 1981 stat: 12 games played at a drive-in movie theater
It's time for a signature-edition pop quiz:
What's Pascual Perez's excuse for that signature?
(A) He let a 3-year-old fan sign the card.
(B) He didn't use a pen; he used jheri-curl juice.
(C) That's not his signature; it's part of a radical uniform promotion the Pirates employed in 1981.
(D) Like many a Pirate, arrgh, he had scurvy when he signed this card.
(E) All of the above.
Name: Jose Cardenal
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield, first base, garbage man
Value of card: 12 bugs pulled from Cardenal's hair
Key 1980 stat: 2,987 hours looking shady
10 things you might not know about Jose Cardenal:
10) He never played for the Cardenals.
9) His favorite player was Oscar Gamble.
8) The "KC" on his hat stood for "Kalamazoo College," where he was a janitor.
7) His mom coined the phrase, "No way, Jose."
6) He had the ability to smile.
5) He won Best MLB Corpse of 1981.
4) He worked as an usher between innings.
3) That's a size 11 hat.
2) He rocks rough and stuff with his afro puffs.
1) He's bald beneath that hat.
Name: Gale Sayers
Teams: Chicago Bears, Chicago Hippies
Position: Running back
Value of card: One broken VHS of "Brian's Song"
Key 2012 stat: Looked neither peaceful nor loving in this portrait
Catch this pop quiz: What is Gale Sayers' coat made from?
A) Peace, love and understanding
B) Big Bird's hide
C) Various spellings of the word "love"
D) Luxurious yellow shag carpeting
E) All of the above
Name: Mike Loynd
Team: Texas Rangers
Value of card: An expired Hamburger Helper coupon
Key 1986-87 stat: Zero attractive photos taken
Here's what Mike Loynd and this winner of a card stand for:
Major league pitcher
Impossible for this photo to be any worse
Kelp-colored photo backdrop was a nice touch
Eyebrows offered more heat than his fastball
Looks like someone could use a lesson in skin care
Only source of light in the room appears to be reflecting off his greasy forehead
Yes, that's his smile...
No, he's not just grinding grain with his teeth
Didn't get a chance to see Mike pitch in the bigs? You must have been busy that month.
Card submitted by Sean Griffin
Name: Jim Pankovits
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Utility infielder
Value of card: Slightly lower than the intelligence in his expression
Key 1988 stat: Used bats as antiperspirant
One refined individual: Ladies and gentlemen, today we present to you Jim Pankovits, a man of wisdom, class and gravity. Mr. Pankovits was renowned for his sense of self, and because of his unwavering maturity, he was looked to as a leader both on and off the field. All baseball players should strive to be more like James Franklin Pankovits, a true professional in every manner.
Card submitted by Douglas Corti
Name: Rollie Fingers
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Value of card: Two free plane tickets to Milwaukee (still unclaimed)
Key 1981 stat: 22 straight victories in "best name" contests
Script from Fingers-brand Mustache Wax® television commercial, circa 1982: "Howdy, sports fans, I'm Rollie Fingers, and I know how to close. And if you want to close in on a bold new style, you need to pick up a tube of Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®. Ever feel like you look like every other guy in the boardroom or at the baseball game? Grab yourself a tube of Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®. Ever want to look like you're a 19th-century boxer or carriage driver from the Prohibition era? Grab yourself a tube of Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®. Ever feel the need to hang Christmas tree ornaments from your facial hair? Grab yourself a tube of Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®. Because with Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®, your 'stache will no longer be a secret."
Name: Bernie Williams
Team: New York Yankees
Value of card: Six strings (actual pieces of string)
Key 1997 stat: 12 sold-out concerts (in his basement with only his cats in attendance)
10 love songs that Bernie Williams wrote in the 1990s:
10) "Striking Out on Love"
9) "My Dinger is Yours"
8) "Touch 'Em All"
7) "My Sweet Spot is You"
6) "The Hot Hot Corner"
5) "Much More than Chin Music"
4) "Bang-Bang Play"
3) "Caught Looking (At Your Butt)"
2) "The Rubber Game"
1) "In the Hole"
Name: Billy Sample
Team: New York Yankees
Value of card: 6 ounces of puddle water from a Bronx gutter
Key 1985 stat: 364 sessions of teeth-whitening
It's time for another pop quiz:
Why is Billy Sample tipping his cap?
(A) He was just chosen as having Major League Baseball's best hat hair.
(B) The Statistics Professors of America just selected him as a sample of the best surname in the country.
(C) Nine out of 10 dentists agreed, that's one helluva smile.
(D) He knew he needed to do something if he was going to be on a baseball card in a T-shirt.
(E) He figured it was better than tipping his cup.
(F) All of the above.
Name: Dick Davis
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Value of card: Take the number of letter in is first name and divide by 4. That's the value in cents.
Key 1980 stat: Four ounces of cheese in beard
Clearing up some rumors about Dick Davis:
- Dick Davis did not have a gold tooth. That's actually foil from the entire, still-wrapped package of Rolos he just stuffed in his mouth.
- Dick Davis was not angry about having his picture taken. He was angry about not having any more Rolos.
- Dick Davis was not a defensive liability. He was a defensive irresponsibility.
- Dick Davis was not the forerunner to Fernando Rodney's style of hat-wearing. He'd just been sleeping in his full uniform again.
- Dick Davis' photos was not the worst one in the 1981 Topps set. This one was.
Name: Kermit Alexander
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Value of card:
Key 1971 stat: Never actually ran like that on the field
Fun facts about Kermit Alexander and Kermit the Frog:
- Kermit the Frog spends much of his day with someone's hand up his backside. Judging by this pose, it looks like Kermit Alexander is hoping for that sort of thing, too.
- Kermit the Frog's skin is made of felt. Kermit Alexander's hair is made of felt.
- Kermit the Frog has starred in several feature films. Kermit Alexander has been featured in several highlights of other stars scoring touchdowns.
- Kermit the Frog is friends with the insatiably hungry Cookie Monster. In 1973, Kermit Alexander was teammates with the insatiably hungry Tom Dempsey.
- Kermit the Frog is in a relationship with Miss Piggy. Kermit Alexander dated a few swine in his day, as well.
Name: Bob James
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Sweaty pitcher
Value of card: Two first names, zero hygiene
Key 1986 stat: Named baseball's swarthiest player for a second year running
Top 10 places you might see Bob James, other than the baseball park:
10) Hitching a ride inside a railroad boxcar
9) Asleep at the neighborhood park
8) Selling his hair grease for booze money
7) Not at the dentist's office
6) Rummaging through your garbage cans
5) Out with your crazy aunt
4) Aboard the subway, with a car all to himself
3) On the street, dining on four varieties of cat food
2) At the pet store, smuggling out mice in his beard
1) Being tormented by his inner demons (and the Bust)
Names: Dave Stenhouse and Mike Stenhouse
Teams: Washington Senators and Montreal Expos
Positions: Pitcher and outfield
Value of card: "In my day, a pack of baseball cards was a nickel," said Dave Stenhouse
Key 1984 stat: 26 arguments at family dinners
It's time for an all-in-the-family edition of The Matchup:
Round 1: "Young punk" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 2: "Never amount to nothing" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 3: "Takes after his mother" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 4: "Needs to stop chasing skirts and concentrate on baseball" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 5: "Doesn't know the meaning of hard work" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 6: "Hippy needs a haircut" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 7: "No son of mine" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Score: Mike Stenhouse 7, Dave Stenhouse 0, Ties 0
Synopsis: Mike Stenhouse may have swept through this battle, but as any son who disappointed his father knows, this is in no way a victory.
Name: Scott Rolen
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Third base
Value of card: A third-degree sunburn
Key 1998 stat: Didn't really look like the guy in this photo
We hope you studied: How did Scott Rolen spend his "Spring Fling"?
A) Constantly hammered, showing his Rookie of the Year trophy to every girl he saw
B) Occasionally hammered, chopping down palm trees with his bare hands
C) Mostly sober, wearing pinstripe pants at all times
D) Completely dry, working on his swing and defense (BORING!)
E) Horribly hung over, leaning on his bat for support with his hat shading his eyes
Name: Dave Huppert
Team: Stockton Ports
Value of card: One baby-smooth shave
Key 1987 stat: Spent a week in Stockton one night
Top 10 things that can be seen up Dave Huppert's nose in this photo:
10) Dave Huppert's brain
9) Another one of those giant electrical towers
8) The charm of Stockton, Calif.
7) A baseball card featuring Dave Huppert
6) The origin of the universe
5) A second, slightly smaller curled mullet
4) The ball from his one major league hit
2) The entirety of his nostrils
1) A booger the size of his neck
Card submitted by Zach Jones
Name: Ryan Hawblitzel
Team: Chicago Cubs
Value of card: Zero (fashion) cents
Key 1991 stat: 221 hours practicing the "thumbs in the jeans pockets" look
Today's fashion model: Here we have Ryan Hawblitzel, an ace when it came to style (and style alone). No one in the big leagues sported minor-league outfits with such pride and pizazz. A collared sweatshirt tucked into jeans? Why not? A player known for his exploits on the diamond wearing a shirt of intersecting diamonds? Of course. A guy who looks like an actor standing in front of a housing development pond and acting like he's the coolest guy in high school? You bet. Don't question fashion maven Ryan Hawblitzel, a minor-leaguer with big-league style.