Eric Show, 1991 Studio, (Studio Saturday No. 43)

Name: Eric Show
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One cent for each inch of mustache
Key 1990 stat: Hair tousled 1,922 times
Eric Show's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: ShowMeTheMoney
Age: Thirtysomething
Height: It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion — oh, I see. 6'1"
Weight: 185
Hair color: The brownest of the browns
Hairstyle: Carefree and greasy
Ethnicity: Spanish (as far as you know)*
(*Note from dating service: He's white)
Religious views: Far-right
Marital status: Once bitten, twice shy
Best feature: Mustache
Smoke? I throw it
Drink? All the Hennessy jou got on jour shelf

Seeking: Mi amor
Location: North America
Her body type: Plump
Her ethnicity: Female

About me: Jes, I am Eric Show, the quasi-Latino lover, and I am here to love jou. My mustache is made from the finest fibers in all of Espana, and my hair contains enough oil to heat our home on cold winter nights.  Please, allow me to be the one to gaze meaningfully into jour eyes as I ply jou with champagne and oysters, building to the moment when we kiss and my mustache's primary purpose switches from warming my lips to warming jours.

Eric Show, 1991 Studio, (Studio Saturday No. 43)

Randall Cunningham, 1991 Fleer Illustration (Football Friday No 112)

Name: Randall Cunningham
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: You know how much oxygen is in space? That much money.
Key 1991 stat: They were all out of this world
Breaking down this Randall Cunningham card by the numbers:

3: Nondescript planets that look about as dead as the Eagles' current season
3 (again): Footballs, two of which don't appear to be obeying any laws of physics
2: Towels hanging from Cunningham's belt, tastefully covering his bulge
6: Faraway galaxies seen. Whoops, make that five. One of them is just some Parmesean cheese we spilled on the card.
1: Huge cobweb that Cunningham is trapped in. Hopefully his helmet and pads will protect him from the giant space spider that made that thing.

Randall Cunningham, 1991 Fleer Illustration (Football Friday No 112)

Rickey Henderson, 1989 Fleer

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One click for a "You Suck at Photoshop" video
Key 1988 stat: Once referred to himself in the fourth person
It's a popularity contest: What was Rickey Henderson's best feature?

A) His blinding speed
B) That cute little scowl
C) His stirrups
D) His humility
E) Booty!

Rickey Henderson, 1989 Fleer

Tim Lollar, 1982 Topps

Name: Tim Lollar
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 lollar
Key 1981 stat: Three E's in last name (according to the child's handwriting above)
What can you buy for a "lollar"?
10) A jersey not consisting of three shades of barf
9) A legible signature
8) A dentist-endorsed mouth-closing device
7) A decent haircut
6) A card that doesn't have a production error smudge above the player's hat
5) An alien, not just a guy who looks like an alien
4) "Hold on, I'm thinking deeply about your question while staring at the horizon."
3) A hat that wasn't fished from the toilet.
2) A photo shot by a professional
1) This card, with 99 cents' change

Tim Lollar, 1982 Topps

Frank Tanana, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Frank Tanana, aka Scott Summers
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 16 crumbled sunflower seed shells
Key 1990 stat: 1,274 X-Men comics read
The Legend of Frank Tanana: On a blustery day high above scenic Alaska, a young Frank Tanana and his family were attacked by an alien spacecraft as they flew home from vacation. Tanana's mother saved him and his brother by throwing them out of the plane with the only parachute. The alien attack scarred Tanana in a way that wouldn't show itself for years. As a teen, Tanana started feeling pain from behind his eyes. He visited a doctor, who discovered that only lenses made of ruby quartz could alleviate the pain. Soon after, Tanana's mutant power revealed itself, and he started shooting uncontrollable blasts of optic force from his eyes. With the ruby quartz shades and much practice, Tanana was able to harness his newfound power and make it to the big leagues, where scouts said he always had that X factor.

Frank Tanana, 1991 Upper Deck

Tim Foli, 1982 Topps

Name: Tim Foli
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 2 ounces of the swill from the "upper deck" of a real pirate's toilet
Key 1981 stat: Zero washes of stinking, all-black uniform
So, what does Tim Foli stand for?

Terrible uniform, even for the Pirates
Imagine your 11th grade biology teacher playing in the pros
Mustache made from mole hair (not mohair)

Fim Foli or Pim Poli; who can tell with this signature?
Outer rings of Saturn around a square hat
Loot for this Pirate is an extra pack of yellow stirrups
Is that a V-neck jersey or do we need glasses as thick as Foli's?

Tim Foli, 1982 Topps

Greg Vaughn, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Greg Vaughn
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfielder
Value of card: Let me take a hard look
Key 1991 stat: Eyes on some sort of prize
What's Greg Vaughn staring down?

A) The pitcher
B) Opponents of mesh jerseys
C) The hot dog guy
D) His biggest enemy: Alphabetization
E) All of the above

Greg Vaughn, 1992 Upper Deck

Lenny Dykstra, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 42)

Name: Lenny Dykstra
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Center field
Value of card: Three "refried" dips of chewing tobacco
Key 1990 stat: 7-inch turtleneck
A look at Lenny Dykstra, By the Numbers:

Hits, career: 1,298
Chews, career: 1.298 million

Batting average, career: .285

Bowl cut average, career: 1.000

Stolen bases, career: 285
Stolen business ideas, post-career: 285
Home runs, career: 81
Failed businesses, post-career: 81
Salary total, career: $29.8 million
Bankruptcy total, post-career: $29.8 million

Lenny Dykstra, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 42)

Dana Stubblefield, 1993-94 Skybox (Football Friday No. 111)

Name: Dana Stubblefield
Teams: San Francisco 49ers, Kansas Jayhawks
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: 2 ounces of stubble, shaved
Key 1992 stat: 82-2 record at Hungry Hungry Hippos
49ers' scouting report on first-round pick Dana Stubblefield: "This big kid could be a force if we find him a helmet that fits. ... Despite his high school-looking uniform, he did play in college. ... His use of a tube sock for an elbow pad and a bandanna for a belt shows he's resourceful. ... We'll ask this kid to wear those blue gloves when he's doing the dishes. ... In a surprising coincidence, our owners had plans to change the name Candlestick Park to Stubble Field. ... If he doesn't work out on the defense, we can use his sweat to water three-quarters of the San Joaquin Valley. ... Pro body, collegiate bulge."

Dana Stubblefield, 1993-94 Skybox (Football Friday No. 111)

Curt Schilling, 1990 Topps

Name: Curt Schilling
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Ignorance
Key 1989 stat: One small sample size
Orioles' scouting report on young right-hander Curt Schilling, circa 1990: "Expert at buttoning up his jersey all the way. ... Raw. That describes his talent and how he likes his steaks. ... Fastball could use some work. So could his eyebrows. ... We're hoping he'll be able to grow into a spot in our rotation. He's hoping he'll be able to grow some facial hair someday. ... Got ketchup on his sock the other day. Made a big production out of it. ... His sleeves go longer in a game than he can right now. ... You know what? Screw it, let's trade him. He'll never accomplish much."

Curt Schilling, 1990 Topps