Mike Cook, 1986 ProCards

Name: Mike Cook

Team: Midland Angels

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Half as much as it would be worth if this guy ever made it to the big leagues

Key 1985 stat: 33 long, sweaty Texas bus trips

Angels' scouting report on Midland's Mike Cook: "Mustache is big league, but that's about it. ... Has Texas-size dreams, Rhode Island-size talent. ... Replace the second O in his last name with a C, and at least you have a few clubhouse laughs. ... There's a star in Texas in the team's logo; it's not this guy. ... Photo above actually taken during one of his starts. Fans knew he wasn't worth the price of admission. ... Cook? Yup. That would have been a better career choice."

Mike Cook, 1986 ProCards

Ramon Martinez, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 13)

Name: Ramon Martinez
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two ounces of forearm sweat
Key 1990 stat: All buttons buttoned
The only 10 things we could find that are more hairy than Ramon Martinez's arms:
10) A lion's mane
9) Bigfoot
8) Bigfoot wearing a mohair sweater
7) St. Bernards
6) Oscar Gamble
5) Our shower drain
4) Bruce Sutter's chin
3) Jo-Jo the dog-faced boy
2) John Franco's mother
1) Ramon Martinez's back

Ramon Martinez, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 13)

Bruce Smith, 1991 Score Sack Attack (Football Friday No. 80)

Name: Bruce Smith
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: Outdated technology
Key 1991 stat: One bad Photoshop cutout
Clearing up some rumors about Bruce Smith:

• Bruce Smith did not use radar to track down quarterbacks. He used sonar.
• This cutout of Bruce Smith is not poorly done. It just shows his blue aura.
• Score is not mixing metaphors by using radar and cross hairs on this card. It actually has a contract with the Department of Defense.
• Bruce Smith is, in fact, screaming "Friends! Romans! Countrymen!" while chasing down Ken O'Brien.
• "Sack Attack" is not also the name of a mid-1990s adult feature. Oh, wait, yes it is.

Bruce Smith, 1991 Score Sack Attack (Football Friday No. 80)

Willie McGee, 1984 Donruss

Name: Willie McGee
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A fall from the ugly tree
Key 1983 stat: Yet to reach full ugliness
Good lord, man: Everyone knows how Willie McGee stole so many bases: He was so ugly, his face slowed down time. But how ugly was he, really?

• Willie McGee was so ugly, when he tried to join an ugly contest, they told him, "Sorry, no professionals."
• He was so ugly, his teammates used his face for batting practice.
• He was so ugly, MLB made him wear a catcher's mask in center field.
• He was so ugly, his wife came to work with him so she didn't have to kiss him goodbye.
• He was so ugly, his face was scored as an error.
• He was so ugly, that when he sat in sand, cats tried to bury him.
• Willie McGee was so ugly, he got suspended for looking at the umpire.

Willie McGee, 1984 Donruss

Matt Stark, 1991 Classic

Name: Matt Stark
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Catcher
Value of card: The ability to grow 5 o'clock shadow at 11 a.m.
Key 1990 stats: Four hits, six strikeouts
Cheer up — take this quiz:

What's got Matt Stark so glum?

A) He knows how terrible he is at baseball.
B) He knows how terrible he is with the ladies.
C) He knows how terrible he looks in red.
D) He knows how terrible this Classic baseball card set is going to be.
E) All of the above.

Matt Stark, 1991 Classic

Gene Garber, 1980 Topps

Name: Gene Garber
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Who wants to know?
Key 1979 stat: Eyebrows constantly furrowed
It's just sad, really: How little did Gene Garber trust other people?

• He hired a private investigator to follow the bat boy.
• Rather than take signs from his catcher, he would just yell out what he was going to throw.
• He personally signed off on this card to make sure Topps got the "good side" of his beard.
• He cut his own hair.
• Every time an infielder made an error, he'd scream, "I KNEW IT!!!"
• He constantly pitched from the stretch just so he could shift his eyes back and forth.
• He wore a jacket under his uniform. Sorry, that's got nothing to do with trust issues, it just looks ridiculous.

Gene Garber, 1980 Topps

Dennis Eckersley, 1993 Studio

Name: Dennis Eckersley

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Closer

Value of card: 16 ecks (12 million ecks equals $1)

Key 1992 stat: 11 awards for mullet

Dennis Eckersley's dating profile, circa 1993

Screen name: ecksondeck69

Age: 47

Height: Tall enough

Weight: Heavy where it counts

Hair color: Flowing

Hairstyle: Glorious

Ethnicity: From the Mullet tribe of the Czech Republic

Want children? Ha!

Past relationships: Ask your sister

Best feature: Bulge

Smoke? Just smokin' fastballs

Drink? Just whatever's left in the 'stache

Seeking: Bedroom favors

Location: Preferably not on the corner — preferably

Her height: No dwarfs

Her body type: Tight as a curveball's spin

Her ethnicity: Skin like a leather handbag

About me: Well, hello, ladies. They call me the Eck, and I'm looking for a wreck, a wreck like you. You see this baseball? How would you like me to sign this for you, then throw it really, really fast? My baseball skills are well-known, but it's my bedroom skills I think you'll be interested in. See this mustache? Want to try it on for a few minutes? It'll only cost you a lip lock. Muah. What's that? You're a little jealous of my flowing man mane? Ha, well, that's OK. Everyone is. Let's cut the chit-chat. You. Me. A pile of one-dollar bills. Lost amid a hurricane of hair. You want to play ball with me? Just get in the box, and let me get into yours.

Dennis Eckersley, 1993 Studio

Cubs Future Stars, 1980 Topps

Names: Dave Geisel, Steve Macko, Karl Pagel

Team: Chicago Cubs

Positions: Pitcher, second base, outfield, respectively

Value of card: One C-note (if "C" stands for "crap")

Key 1979 stat: One set of parents

Time for a strikingly similar version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Brown hair grown slightly over the ears (Three-way tie)

Round 2: Slightly pink, Caucasian complexion (Three-way tie)

Round 3: Square, bricklayer's chin (Three-way tie)

Round 4: Father named Durwood from Peoria, Ill. (Three-way tie)

Round 5: Mother named Nancy from Peoria, Ill. (Three-way tie)

Round 6: Birth date of Oct. 17, 1955 (Three-way tie)

Round 7: Fake mustache glued on to look different (Winner: Geisel)

Score: Geisel 1, Macko 0, Pagel 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: Despite changing their names in an effort to avoid the media attention that would be thrust upon major league triplets, it's obvious these three came from the same mother, within a few minutes of one another. Lucky for Geisel, he found a fake mustache on the dugout ground, allowing him to take the glory of a Matchup victory from his flesh and blood.

Cubs Future Stars, 1980 Topps

Jeff Kunkel, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 12)

Name: Jeff Kunkel

Team: Texas Rangers

Position: Infield

Value of card: You know that piece of gum stuck under your desk? Half of that

Key 1990 stat: 22-inch bubble diameter

Transcript of Big League Chew commercial, circa 1991: "Hey, kids. Do you like to blow? Do you like to pop? I'm little-known Major League Baseball player Jeff Kunkel and I sure do, and I know you do, too. (Cut to shot of Kunkel blowing a huge bubble.) So get those mouths a-blowing and and make it pop with Big League Chew, now with a salty aftertaste that the big leaguers — and their wives — can't get enough of. (Kunkel's bubble pops.) You've had regular bubble gum. Borrrinnnggg. Grab some Big League Chew. Your parents' bubble gum is soft and small. The new Big League Chew is long and rigid, and just calls out for you to stuff it in your mouth. (Cut to shot of Kunkel slowly inserting clump of gum strips into his mouth and rubbing it all over his lips.) So start chewing the gum that's bursting with flavor, the gum that the big leaguers love. Blow some Chew, and make it pop."

Jeff Kunkel, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 12)

Chris Zorich, 1991 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 79)

Name: Chris Zorich
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Nose tackle
Value of card: The prize at the end of a treasure trail
Key 1990 stat: One drunken laundry mishap
Chicago Bears' scouting report on 1991 second-round draft pick Chris Zorich: "Really seems to hate the Upper Deck logo. ... Knows how to stuff the run, and how to stuff his face with liverwurst. ... It isn't just the uniform — he has a closet full of crop tops. ... During his free time, he makes sweaters out of his belly hair for the poor. ... Will tackle anything that moves. No, seriously, don't make any sudden movements around him. ... Keeps telling everyone he's the bass player for Night Ranger, but we've confirmed this is not true. ... At Notre Dame in 1989, had a team-record 47 break-ups. No, not pass break-ups; he was a real ladies' man. ... Said he was excited to meet The Fridge. We're not sure whether he knows that's a person."

Chris Zorich, 1991 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 79)

Mark McGwire, 1988 Fleer Headliners

Name: Mark McGwire

Team: Oakland A's

Position: First base

Value of card: As valuable as yesterday's papers

Key 1987 stat: 162 news cycles dominated

10 headlines Mark McGwire made in 1987:

10) "First baseman swings two bats at plate, hits two home runs, twice" (Wall Street Journal)

9) "McGwire's chest hair: A home run" (Vanity Fair)

8) "Incredible squinting player goes 3-for-4" (USA Today)

7) "Only drug accusations could ruin this career" (Sports Illustrated)

6) "25 reasons not to straighten your teeth" (Men's Health)

5) "Man sought in barnyard rapes" (San Francisco Chronicle)

4) "First base? No chance" (Note scrawled to McGwire at restaurant during date)

3) "Baseball players and newspapers: McGwire is their type" (New York Times)

2) "White man wears bling" (Ebony)

1) "McGwire headline goes here yyyyxxx" (Oakland Tribune)

Mark McGwire, 1988 Fleer Headliners

Phil Hiatt, 1993 Upper Deck

Names: Phils Hiatts

Teams: Kansas City Royals, Kansas City Royals and Kansas City Royals

Positions: Third base, third base, and 3B

Value of card: Three doll hairs (It only took 698 posts to pull out that tired childhood joke.)

Key 1992 stat: Three dudes, lying on one another

The caption: "Phil Hiatt, right, dives for a ball hit down the third-base line while lying on top of Phil Hiatt, center, who's diving for a ball hit down the third-base line while gently placing his genitals on the rear end of Phil Hiatt, left, who's diving for a ball hit down the third-base line in an attempt to hide his on-field arousal."

Phil Hiatt, 1993 Upper Deck

Pat Perry, 1990 Topps

Name: Pat Perry

Team: Chicago Cubs

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: 6 ounces of bear cub dung

Key 1989 stat: Two genders

You make the call: Cubs management was confused. His teammates were confused. His off-the-field friends were confused. Why the confusion? Was Pat a he? Was Pat a she? Well, it's Pat.

Evidence for him being a he:

• Shirt-busting biceps.
• Sweat-drenched mesh.
• Manly chin.
• Arms as hairy as an orangutan's taint.

Evidence for her being a she:

• Features as soft as an angel's wings.
• Skin-tight magenta undershirt.
• Matching lipstick.
• Well-moisturized skin.

Conclusion: With such an even distribution of evidence, it's hard to tell; it's curious to everyone; it's a mystery; it's Pat.

Pat Perry, 1990 Topps

Doug Capilla, 1981 Topps

Name: Doug Capilla
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One elastic waistband
Key 1980 stat: Seven pennies shoved up nose
Things that can be seen inside Doug Capilla's right nostril:

• Enough nose hair to knit a sock
• Vaseline, to help the curve ball
• The beginning of the universe
• The beginning of that mustache
• Gold
• The Cubs' World Series chances

Doug Capilla, 1981 Topps

Dan Ford, 1986 Topps

Name: Dan Ford
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One empty Colt .45 malt liquor bottle
Key 1985 stat: Made sweet love to all the ladies
Top 10 things Dan Ford was smoother than in 1985:
10) Butter
9) His batting helmet
8) The lenses of his prescription sunglasses
7) Jim Palmer's delivery
6) Billy Dee Williams
5) Cal Ripken Jr.'s swing
4) The backside of the baby he just made
3) A chilled shot of cherry-flavored vodka
2) Earl Weaver's tummy
1) Don's Aase

Dan Ford, 1986 Topps

John Smiley, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 11)

Name: John Smiley

Team: Pittsburgh Pirates

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: The goop scraped off the inside of a pirate's eye patch
Key 1990 stat: 794,132 frowns

Conversation between John Smiley and Studio photographer, March 11, 1991:

Studio photographer: "Hey, John. It's good to meet you."

John Smiley: "Yeah, yeah."

SP: "OK. Why don't you take a seat over here."

JS: "Whatever."

SP: "OK, great. Looking good. Nice hat. OK, this should be painless. Just smile for me, I'll snap a photo and we'll get you out of here."

JS: (says nothing; stares at photographer)

SP: "OK. One, two, three, smile."

JS: (stares straight ahead)

SP: "C'mon, John. Think of your kids playing in the mud. Or something funny your wife said. One, two, three, smile."

JS: "I don't smile."

SP: "Wow, he speaks. OK. So you don't smile. Great. This is great. How about if I ask real nice? Will you smile for me, big guy?"

JS: "I. Don't. Smile. Period."

SP: "You realize your last name is Smiley, right?"

JS: "I curse my father's corpse because of that name."

SP: "Okey-dokey. Well, that's nice. OK, how about we just go ahead and take the shot then?"

JS: (stares straight ahead)

SP: "Smile."

JS: "Rot in hell."

SP: "... and that's a wrap."

John Smiley, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 11)

Steve Young, Bruce Smith, 1991 Pinnacle Head to Head (Football Friday No. 78)

Names: Steve Young, Bruce Smith
Teams: San Francisco 49ers, Buffalo Bills
Positions: Quarterback, defensive end
Value of card: Two heads
Key 1991 stat: Zero games played head-to-head
It's an NFC-AFC Matchup!

Round 1: Finely groomed mustache (Winner: Smith)
Round 2: Finely groomed "Riddell" logo on helmet (Winner: Young)
Round 3: Proper use of chinstrap (Winner: Smith)
Round 4: Career Super Bowls (Winner: Smith)
Round 5: Career Super Bowl rings (Winner: Young — sorry Bills fans)
Round 6: Bigger badass (Winner: Smith)
Round 7: Gnarly, career-ending concussion (Winner: Young)

Final score: Smith 4, Young 3

Synopsis: The Bills may have never won the big game, but Bruce totally makes up for all those missed championships by defeating a concussed Steve Young in the Matchup — not that Steve will remember it.

Steve Young, Bruce Smith, 1991 Pinnacle Head to Head (Football Friday No. 78)

Goose Gossage, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Goose Gossage

Team: Chicago Cubs

Position: Closer

Value of card: Bend over and let Goose show ya

Key 1988 stat: 412 "gooses"

Time for a 'stache-a-licious pop quiz:

What name did Hall of Famer Goose Gossage bestow on his mustache?

(A) Hall of Fame Handlebars

(B) 6 Pounds of Style
(C) Harry
(D) The Wraparound Upper Lip Safety Cover
(E) Moose Stache

(F) The Head Honcho on My Head

(G) All of the above

Goose Gossage, 1989 Upper Deck

Jose Canseco, 1990 Jose Limited

Name: Jose Canseco

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Less than the faux-neon paper it's printed on

Key 1989 stat: 75,000 gallons of hot-pink ink

Ah, the early 1990s: Now this, dear readers, is a truly crappy card. Look at this thing. It hails from an era of trashy cards seemingly made in some jerk's garage. Want an example of another one? Here ya go. But they don't get much worse than this. Canseco, in all his glory, is wearing a turtleneck and Spandex shorts beneath his baseball pants. Of course, the real star is the hot-pink border, which, according to court records, caused blindness in no fewer than 17 children. The green-black secondary border is a nice touch, too. It nearly matches the color scheme of the A's uniforms. That, of course, would have been too much to ask for. OK, so, random shot of Canseco? Check. Only-in-the-1990s border color scheme? Check. Now only if the card came from a company with an awesome name. Wait ... a ... second. Jose Limited? The card company is called Jose Limited? Well, dear readers, this just qualified as one of the worst cards of the decade.

Jose Canseco, 1990 Jose Limited

Ross Grimsley, 1974 Topps Traded

Name: Ross Grimsley
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Hat and collar made of velvet
Key 1974 stat: TRADED
Sometimes, Wikipedia says it best: Ross Grimsley was one of the more colorful players of the 1970s, known for his superstitions and often flaky behavior. With the Reds, he was called into manager Sparky Anderson's office and told to stop corresponding with a "witch" who had been sending him good luck charms. Despite being a premier starting pitcher for the Reds, he was traded to the Orioles for Merv Rettenmund, a part-time outfielder, after the 1973 season, largely in part for his constant resistance to the Reds organization's conservative grooming rules. With the Orioles in 1974, he sported a huge mop of curly hair, prominent mustache, and 18 wins.

On Sept. 16, 1975, at Fenway Park, Grimsley, warming up in the Orioles' bullpen, responded to Boston fans' heckling by throwing a ball into the right field bleachers. The ball passed through the protective netting, injuring a Boston fan. The fan later successfully sued Grimsley and the Orioles.

He was accused by Yankees manager Billy Martin in 1977 of throwing spitball pitches using Vaseline hidden in his hair, which was usually somewhat greasy in appearance because of Grimsley's penchant for not showering during winning streaks. In addition to his nickname "Scuz" for his grooming habits, he was also called "Crazy Eyes" and known to wear turquoise contact lenses. Grimsley is now the pitching coach for the Richmond Flying Squirrels.

Ross Grimsley, 1974 Topps Traded

Darren Pearson, 1986 Pro Cards

Name: Darren Pearson
Team: Clinton Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Desolation
Key 1985 stat: Zero fun had
Top 10 things to do in Clinton, Iowa, in 1985:

10) Climb that tower in the background
9) Climb down from that tower in the background
8) Watch the grass grow
7) Eat corn. Lots of corn.
6) Go to whatever that Eagle place is. That sounds fun.
5) Make fun of Darren Pearson
4) Polish off a 30-pack of Natty Ice
3) Climb that tower in the background again
2) Chainsmoke
1) Rename the Class A baseball team the LumberKings

Darren Pearson, 1986 Pro Cards

Pascual Perez, 1990 Fleer

Name: Pascual Perez
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The cold feeling of rejection
Key 1989 stat: Zero autographs given
It's a Pascual Perez Pop Quiz!

How come nobody's asking Pascual for an autograph?

A) Because he insists on signing items with a pen filled with hair gel.
B) Because the Expos never actually had any fans.
C) Because his mom only has so many things for him to sign.
D) Because he stunk — and not just on the mound.
E) All of the above.

Pascual Perez, 1990 Fleer

Brian Barnes, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 10)

Name: Brian Barnes
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Colon blockage
Key 1990 stat: One screw loose
That boy ain't right: Have you ever heard someone talk about a player who "sleeps, drinks and eats baseball"? Well, Brian "Wild Man" Barnes did one of those things. When the Expos found Barnes wandering the Canadian wilderness in the summer of 1984, he was a feral teenager wearing only a dirty loincloth and hunting moose with a spear. The team president took him in, trained him to hurl a baseball instead of a weapon, and soon had a pitching prospect on his hands. There was just one problem: The smell of the ball's cowhide cover made Barnes' stomach growl. Under supervision, he was fine, but left alone, he would devour an entire case of baseballs, grinning the whole time. Despite the team's best efforts, Barnes was found dead on a locker room floor in 1994, red lacing string and pieces of leather scattered around him. During an autopsy, doctors found enough rawhide and twine in his gut to create a line of ladies' handbags.

Brian Barnes, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 10)

Joe Montana, 1990 Pro Set Award Winner (Football Friday No. 77)

Name: Joe Montana

Team: San Francisco 49ers

Position: Quarterback

Value of card: 2 cents

Key 1989 stat: Two fingers raised at all times

10 things Montana could have been yelling when this photo was taken:

10) "Let's go! I got my hand between two gluteal folds over here!"

9) "How many wristbands am I wearing? How many?"

8) "Hey, what's my jersey number minus 14? C'mon. Goddamn defensive linemen!"

7) "This many times with your sister, Jerry! This many times with your sister!"

6) "And we will go forth and conquer! V for valor! V for vigor! V for victory!"

5) "Whoa, bro. Peace, man!"

4) "Twice you put Icy Hot on my jockstrap! Twice!"

3) "No, no no! I said it stands for what your wife showed me!"

2) "Two hearts, believing in just one mind!"

1) "Utah! Get Montana two!"

Joe Montana, 1990 Pro Set Award Winner (Football Friday No. 77)

Paul Gibson, 1988 Topps Kmart Dream Team

Name: Paul Gibson

Teams: Detroit Tigers, Kmart Nerd Dream Team

Position: Starting pitcher

Value of card: Fair exchange for two pocket protectors

Key 1987 stat: One nerd championship

The 1988 Kmart Nerd Dream Team complete set:

Starting pitcher: Paul "Fourteen Eyes" Gibson

Relief pitcher: Apple founder Steve Jobs

First base: Comic Book Guy from "The Simpsons"

Second base: Timothy Busfield from "Revenge of the Nerds"

Third base: Billy Mitchell from "King of Kong" (Perfect "Pac-Man" game)

Shortstop: This guy

Catcher: The Father of Modern Physics

Left field: Microsoft founder Bill Gates

Center field: Steve Urkel from "Family Matters"

Right field: Dustin Diamond from "Saved By the Bell"

Paul Gibson, 1988 Topps Kmart Dream Team

David Wells, 1995 Topps

Name: David Wells
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Big fat pitcher
Value of card: 12 Twinkie wrappers
Key 1994 stat: 90 pounds of table muscle
One hefty lefty: How fat was David Wells?

• David Wells was so fat, he could cover first base from the pitcher's mound.
• He was so fat, he put food on home plate.
• He was so fat, all Detroit restaurants had a sign that said "Maximum occupancy: 240 or David Wells."
• He was so fat, he made Cecil Fielder feel better about himself.
• He was so fat, he ate batting doughnuts.
• He was so fat, he had seventh-inning stretch marks.
• David Wells was so fat, this is actually two cards.

David Wells, 1995 Topps

Paul Faries, 1991 Fleer

Name: Paul Faries (yes, really)
Team: San Diego Ponces, er, Padres
Position: Infielder
Value of card: Yes, his name is really Faries. Stop laughing.
Key 1990 stat: .189 batting average
Tragedy in the making: Poor Paul Faries never had a chance. Between his inability to hit the ball (career .201 batting average), the fact that he was cross-eyed and his unfortunate last name, you have to wonder if he wasn't the recipient of a pity promotion. How long do you think it took after he walked into the locker room and said, "Hi, I'm Paul Faries," before Ed Whitson and the San Diego Chicken had this little guy pantsed and duct-taped to the foul pole?

Paul Faries, 1991 Fleer

Jose Offerman, 1991 Fleer

Name: Jose Offerman

Team: Los Angeles Dodgers

Position: Shortstop

Value of card: Give us an offer, man

Key 1990 stat: Five fingers on Body Glove elbow brace

It's time for The Caption: "Jose Offerman, above, half-heartedly and poorly poses for a worthless baseball card while wearing a Body Glove elbow brace and socks with fake stirrups Tuesday in Vero Beach, Fla., surrounded by much better teammates and a blinding yellow rectangle."

Jose Offerman, 1991 Fleer

Kevin Gross, 1986 Topps

Name: "Gross" Kevin Gross

Team: Philadelphia Phillies

Position: Pitcher, belly itcher

Value of card: Dead pigeon stuffed in bag, cooked in microwave for four minutes (gross)

Key 1985 stat: Two lenses, one flip

Time for a disgusting pop quiz:

What makes Kevin so gross?

(A) The leftover chewing tobacco that looks like a mustache.

(B) The back hair that has grown to resemble a mullet.

(C) The gaping crevices behind his flip shades.

(D) His last name.

(E) All of the above.

Kevin Gross, 1986 Topps

Willie Randolph, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 9)

Name: Willie Randolph

Team: Milwaukee Brewers

Position: Second base

Value of card: Who cares? Get out of here!

Key 1990 stat: Run!

Conversation between Studio photographer and Willie Randolph, Feb. 13, 1991:

Studio photographer: Hey, Willie. Good to meet you. Thanks for stopping by.

Willie Randolph: Hey, no problem. It's great to be here. I love calm sessions like this.

SP: Good to hear. We'll have some fun. Trust me.

WR: Ha. No problem. I'm all smiles, as always.

SP: OK. Just sit right there. Smile, and ... Hey, is that Ricardo Montalban from "Naked Gun"? Why is he turning that dial? (Randolph lifts bat above head and slowly walks toward photographer.) Willie? Willie? Willie! Put down the bat!

WR: Must ... kill ... the ... queen. Must ... kill ... the ... queen.

(Studio assistants tackle Montalban, retwist dial. Randolph sits down, drops bat.)

SP: What the ...

WR: Why am I wearing these Reggie Jackson glasses?

SP: It's OK, Willie. (wipes brow) No problem. Take them off and let's finish this shoot.

WR: Hey, I'm all smiles. Let's do this.

SP: Wait, Willie. Willie. Put down the bat. Wait, why is your skin peeling and turning green? Why are your eyes sinking into your head?

WR: Brrrrrrraaaaaaaaiiiiiiinnnnnnnssssssss!

Willie Randolph, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 9)