Name: Don Slaught
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Value of card: $10 for 10 minutes
Key 1990 stat: 1,941 "jobs" in one year
10 things about Slaught that would be true if you took out the "A," "G" and "H" from his last name:
10) For an extra $5, he'd wear only the turtleneck.
9) He would spend his days on the ball field, but his nights would be at The Blue Oyster.
8) He would call his mustache "Davy Jones' Locker."
7) His hairy legs would look amazing under a spandex miniskirt and knee-high boots.
6) After years on the streets, he'd have an unmentionable peg body part.
5) He would dress like his team's mascot and strut down The Strip.
4) He would have a Friday night "battery mate" special.
3) Despite his profession, he'd have a heart of gold.
2) He would own a parrot. A naked one.
1) Catching? he would ask. How much?
Name: Bryant Young
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Defensive line
Value of card: 66 pounds of leftover gold leaf
Key 1993 stat: 749 lasers dodged
San Francisco 49ers' scouting report on "first-rounder" Bryant Young: "Says here we drafted this kid solely based on his thighs; smart move. ... Plus: He has the ability to float. ... We can have him stretch out all our players' little girl short-shorts. ... For some reason, I can see Young wearing a gold-leaf helmet that says '94 Fleer Ultra.' ... We'll need to buy a few hundred pencils so this kid can write in his mustache. ... Someone will need to rescue him from 'Tron' world before the season. ... Anyone tell him he needs to wear cleats, not basketball shoes? ... This kid's biggest quality: With that aura around him, he's apparently a celestial being. ... Yeah, nothing like the convergence of sweat stains, skintight shorts and bulge."
Name: Tony Pena
Team: Boston Red Sox
Value of card: The same amount as a Tony Pena autograph (Hint: It's a negative number.)
Key 1989 stat: Zero autographed baseballs kept by fans after his signing
10 reasons this card isn't "Classic":
10) Pena's turtleneck doesn't have enough folds.
9) It blinded the judges who could have deemed it "Classic"
8) The design set the Photoshop world back 11 years.
7) They had to kill four tigers to make the borders for the full set.
6) Pena's facial hair got the company sued by the makers of "The Three Musketeers."
5) It doesn't feature Pena's autograph even though he's signing an autograph.
4) Pena's tuck job looks a little forced.
3) It's not yellow enough.
2) It's a Tony Pena card.
1) It's a Classic card.
Name: Jimmy Key
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Positions: Pitcher, squatting
Value of card: Imminent doom
Key 1987 stat: 7-pound bulge
North-of-the-border quiz time: Who's the real superstar on this card?
A) Jimmy Key's puberty mustache
B) Jimmy Key's "I think I just pooped" face
C) Jimmy Key's bow-leg-inducing bulge
D) Jimmy Key's monotone powder blue uniform
E) The Bust Trophy. We're No. 1! We're No. 1!
Name: John Trautwein
Team: Pawtucket Red Sox
Value of card: It's of minor value
Key 1989 stat: 42 candles on birthday cake
Boston Red Sox officials' scouting report on Pawtucket Red Sox pitcher John Trautwein: "Twenty-two years ago, when this guy was 21, he still didn't have a chance. ... Trautwein's mullet is older than half the players in our farm system. ... No, no, no. I said this guy's play makes me want to use THE john. ... Somebody let this guy know he should buy property in Pawtucket. ... Biggest upside: He's the white Fernando Valenzuela. ... This guy's got the kind of smile that can light up a smoke. ... Better last name: Troutwein. ... Who gave recent draft pick Jimmy Trautwein's dad a uniform? ... On the plus side, his chin folds provide plenty of hiding places for Crisco or pine tar."
Names: Alejandro Peña, Kent Mercker, Mark Wohlers
Team: Atlanta Braves
Value of card: A glass of spoiled milk, on its side
Key 1991 stats: Combined to pitch no-hitter, combined to eat a 3-gallon bucket of chili
It's The Matchup: Donruss was so confused by this trio of throwers that it didn't even know how to orient their card. Let's try to make some sense out of who's who here.
Round 1: Name misspelled on card (Winner: Mercker)
Round 2: Refusal to look at the camera (Winner: Peña)
Round 3: Looks the drunkest (Winner: Peña)
Round 4: Actually the drunkest (Winner: Mercker)
Round 5: Face proximity to Mercker's bulge (Winner: Wohlers)
Round 6: Resemblance to a 14-year-old boy (Winner: Wohlers)
Round 7: Masculine mustache (Winner: Peña)
Round 8: Didn't shave because he forgot it was photo day (Winner: Mercker)
Round 9: Sacked up and pitched a solo no hitter later in his career (Winner: Mercker)
Final score: Mercker 4, Peña 3, Wohlers 2
Synopsis: Kent Mercker actually goes the distance this time, turning his two relievers on their sides in this Matchup. Still, would it have hurt him to shave? Sheesh.
Name: Benito "Benny" Santiago
Team: San Diego Padres
Value of card: Night sweats
Key 1990 stat: Squatted a lot
Putting the psycho in psychoanalysis: We here at the Bust were never much good at baseball. Some say we're not very good at baseball humor either. (Thanks, Mom.) So we figured we'd try our hand at a new hobby: dream analysis. Here goes nothin'. In this dream, the 5-foot-wide plate represents your chances at succeeding in life. However, Benny Santiago represents all the things preventing you from reaching that success. The fact that he's wearing a mask is symbolic of you not wanting to face your fears. The fact that he's pointing at you through his glove symbolizes that you think you have no place to feel safe. The fact that he's tossing the baseball means that you feel you don't have enough control over your life. And the fact that his crotch is wide open means that maybe you should stop staring at men's crotches, bro. Jeez.
Name: Curt Schilling
Team: Houston Astros
Value of card: Two fingers of milk
Key 1990 stat: 26 bloody socks laundered
Curt Schilling's train of thought from 2:14 to 2:16 p.m. April 3, 1991: "I can't believe I'm here. I can't believe they dragged me to this studio for another crappy baseball card. How can I make it look cool? Well, I already look pretty hunky in this turtleneck. But that's not enough. What to do? What to do? Maybe I'll show them my fastball grip. No, that's not great. What about my curveball? No, that won't work. How about the change-up? Nah, nothing doing. The slide piece? The forkball? The slurve? No, no and no. Eureka! I've got it. I'll show the photographer the move I used on his sister last night."
Name: Jackie Slater
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Value of card: 11 pounds of ram dung
Key 1985 stat: 99-pound head
It's time to "ram home" a pop quiz:
Just how big is Jackie Slater's head?
(A) Zoos used the same helmet to house a family of grey wolves.
(B) When he takes a shower, he has to clean off the orbiting moons.
(C) He was a stand-in for the "Star Wars" production, in place of the Death Star
(D) His neck is earthquake retrofitted.
(E) All of the above.
Name: Jerry Augustine
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Value of card: Dirt in your eye
Key 1981 stat: Enough powder blue to choke a water buffalo
It's another installment of The Caption, which may have run in a Milwaukee-area community paper circa 1982: "Mustachioed Brewers lefty Jerry Augustine plays long toss in the midst of a rare Great Lakes hurricane, battling 120 mph winds while wearing a powder blue garbage bag with elastic cuffs sewn into it. Augustine, who hasn't cut his hair yet this decade, finished the practice session no worse for wear; his "jacket," however, was not so lucky, winding up torn to 12 pieces and plastered against the left field fence. Augustine proudly informed this newspaper that he was also about to get plastered."
Name: Jim Presley
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Third base
Value of card: 1 Turkish lira (0.5573 U.S. dollars)
Key 1988 stat: 212 batting tees broken
Let's take a look at Jim Presley's 1989 stats, by the numbers:
.418: Batting average off a batting tee
.018: Batting average without a batting tee
37: Home runs during batting practice off a batting tee before the game
0: Home runs off live pitching without a batting tee during a game
86: Make-believe RBIs when hitting off a batting tee before a game by himself
2: In-game RBIs when hitting off live pitching during a game surrounded by professionals
276: Hits off a batting tee before a game by himself when he's actually in his backyard imagining being on a big-league field surrounded by thousands of screaming, adoring fans
6: Hits off live pitching during games in major-league stadiums over the course of a career that saw few moments of glory marked by screaming, adoring fans
Name: Mike Rossiter
Team: Oakland A's
Value of card: Seven dried, crumbling leaves from the tree behind Rossiter
Key 1991 stat: 22 shades of pastel
Oakland A's scouting report on first-round pick Mike Rossiter: "Major league? Well, he has a major-league wave. ... If he doesn't work out pitching on a mound, maybe we can have him plant a tree on one. ... On the plus side, he already has our alternative jersey for stab-out-your-eyes-with-a-rusty-screwdriver night. ... We've determined that the second chin jutting out from his regular chin will shift his weight, thus adding velocity to his fastball. ... We drafted this kid purely based on his spread in the 1991 Sears Christmas Catalog. Smart. ... Upside: smoothest forearms in his graduating class. ... We're going to need to pound him in the side of the head a few times to set his eyes straight. ... Big-league arm? We might be 'barking' up the wrong tree."
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Value of card: About as much as its nutritional value
Key 1987 stat: Enough baby blue to open a day care center
Clearing up some rumors about Kent Tekulve:
- Tekulve did not have an epileptic fit every time he pitched. He did have one while watching "Tron," however.
- Tekulve's stirrups did, in fact, go all the way up.
- Tekulve was not the inventor of the derp face. He just mastered it.
- There is, in fact, a correct way to pronounce Tekulve's last name. We just don't know what it is.
- Tekulve's milkshake did, indeed, bring all the boys to the yard. But they were definitely not, like, "It's better than yours."
Name: Bill Curley
Team: Boston College
Value of card: Three Curley hairs
Key 1994 stat: A lighter shade of pale
You've earned it: White baller Bill Curley was named Boston College's "Eagle of the Year" (no, really!) as the school's top athlete in 1994. He went on to play in at least six NBA games before retiring in 2001. Here are some other awards he earned along the way:
- Best Boston Stereotype Athlete of the Year, 1994
- College Player of the Year, 1994, presented by the Society of Gentlemen Who Don't Tuck in Their Shirts
- Most Towels Used in a Season, presented by the Boston College basketball staff (four years in a row)
- Dude Who Most Needs a Xanax, as named in the 1994 Boston College yearbook
- Sexiest Man Alive, according to Beet-Face Magazine
Name: Larry Bird
Teams: Indiana State Sycamores, Boston Celtics
Positions: Forward, trend setter
Value of card: Three squirts of milk from farm boy Larry Bird's cow
Key 1991-92 stat: 1,281 Indiana hillbilly stereotypes satisfied
10 reasons Larry Bird is a fashion icon:
10) Off the court, this Bird always wore feathers.
9) No other all-Americans' mamas' made their uniforms.
8) He mixed thighs and white meat.
7) He rocked Starter jackets like no one's business.
6) He finished his outfit with on-the-court roller skates.
5) Socks on his legs and in his shorts.
4) Women in the early 1980s began lusting over knobby knees.
3) He patented the "bucket cut" when the bowl cut just wasn't enough.
2) He made it acceptable to flaunt an invisible mustache.
1) Pale became the new black.
Name: Larry Johnson
Team: Charlotte Hornets
Position: Power forward
Value of card: Two plastic gold bracelets
Key 1990-91 stat: 317 times dressed as a woman
Conversation between NBA announcer Marv Albert and first-round pick Larry Johnson:
Marv Albert: "Hello, folks. Marv Albert here with our NBA broadcast from beautiful Charlotte and ... Hey, wait a second! Give that back!"
Larry Johnson: (grabs headset and places it on his head) "Hello, folks. Welcome to our NBA broadcast from beautiful Charlotte. I'm Larry Johnson, and I'll be bringing you tonight's game."
MA: "Larry, please. We're in the middle of a telecast here."
LJ: "Marv, settle down. America is ready to hear from me, the first pick in this year's NBA draft, the most stylish dresser in North Carolina, the teal sensation, the man with the smoothest voice since Barry White. ... And let's look at tonight's matchup between the Charlotte Hornets and Patrick Ewing's New York Knicks."
MA: "Larry, aren't you supposed to be playing in this game?"
LJ: "Don't worry about me, Marv. I can do both. All while dressed in this shimmering suit, construction- paper tie and plastic jewelry."
MA: "But, Larry, play-by-play is my job. Your team needs you."
LJ: "Keep your pants on, Marv. (snickers) Now let's get to the game. Here's the tip. Hornets' ball. Bogues passes to Larry Johnson, who's dressed in a sophisticated suit. Johnson dribbles left. He fakes right. Johnson penetrates, elevates and dunks over Ewing. Yeeeees!"
MA: "Hey, that's my line."
LJ: "Nobody cares, Marv."
MA: (sniff, sniff)
Name: Golden State Warriors
Team: Kind of
Position: Usually near the bottom of the standings
Value of card: Nothing golden
Key 1990-91 stat: Zero city names in team name
Some of the things the Warriors are talking about in this huddle:
- Both of the times they played well in 1991-92
- Where "Golden State" is located on a map
- Chris Mullin's self-haircuts
- Ways to hide their faces on a basketball card
- The proper time for a five-man smooch
- The Ultimate Warrior
- Escape routes out of Oakland to avoid getting shot
- The "golden state" of sweaty neck rolls on this team
Name: Kevin Rankin
Team: Northwestern Wildcats
Value of card: Sweat-stained short-shorts
Key 1994 stat: Two ugly fonts used for name on card
Lies, damned lies and Baseball Card Bust: Which of the following is surprisingly true?
A) Arizona State and Northwestern actually have basketball teams
B) That's as far down as Kevin Rankin's shorts actually went
C) Kevin Rankin's bulge averaged more personal fouls per game than Rankin himself did
D) That was as excited as the kids in the background ever got during this game
E) A and B
Name: Shawn Bradley
Team: Philadelphia 76ers
Position: Stiff center
Value of card: Take 7 feet, 6 inches, divide it by a hundred and convert that to cents
Key 1993-94 stat: Grew another inch, still couldn't jump
Photographer's best friend: You may remember Shawn Bradley as the 7-foot-6 center taken second overall by the 76ers who subsequently blocked a lot of shots but didn't do much else. But Upper Deck remembers him as the guy who was so stiff that they could actually pose him, by hand, however they liked before taking photos of him. Here, they've sat him down, placed a basketball in his enormous hands and replaced his 76ers draft-day cap with an Upper Deck hat. Bradley's somber protestations, much like his professional career, mattered not. The card crew later replaced the basketball with a badger and the ballcap with a hat made of fruit for some more candid photos. Unfortunately, those, much like Bradley's professional career, never found the light of day.
Name: Dick Vitale
Team: Team ESPN
Value of card: Two earplugs, used by someone else
Key 1994 stat: Talked about Duke 3,109,442,795 times
Just in time for the NBA Finals, Dicky V welcomes you to Another Freakin' Basketball Week: "Settle in, everybody, this week is gonna be awesome, baby! Sure, you won't see many PTPers, many diaper dandies, or anyone who's awesome with a capital 'A.' No chance, but I'll tell you what you are gonna see. You're gonna see something special, baby, you're gonna see some all-star mullets, you're gonna see some shorts riding up to places that aren't for the faint of heart, and you're gonna see some pieces of clothing that belong nowhere near a human body! That's right, including my own tie! It's a Dicky V special, baby, a real checkerboard atrocity! That's OK, though, because all my gold buttons and my shiny bald head will distract the opposition from noticing the Bust trophy on my microphone! These next seven days are gonna be incredible!"
Name: Ken Griffey Jr.
Team: Seattle Mariners (good thing they labeled it)
Value of card: One vending machine gold chain
Key 1989 stat: 17,852 bowls of cereal eaten
It's time for a snap, crackle, pop quiz:
What kind of cereal included this card in one of its boxes?
(A) Honey Bunches of Nothing
(B) Bland Flakes
(C) Lacking Charms
(D) Nut N' Honey (No, really: nothing)
(E) Fruity Players
(F) Special-Needs K
(G) Total (Debacle)
(H) Absence Jacks
(I) Jimmy Dean Sausage Balls
(K) None of the above
Name: Dave Stewart
Team: Oakland A's
Value of card: A trip to the free clinic
Key 1990 stat: Collar perfectly popped
Top 10 things seduced by Dave Stewart's voluminous collar and bedroom eyes:
10) A lot of girls with perms
9) Matt Williams' bat, leading to his .125 average in the '89 Series
8) Half of the women in Oakland
7) Half of the men in Oakland
6) Tony LaRussa
5) The San Diego Chicken. Wait, that was Cecil Fielder.
4) His own glove
3) The lady Frank Thomas had his eyes on
1) You. Come on, admit it.
Name: Percy Howard
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: One really shiny penny
Key career stat: One catch
Making it count: Rookie Cowboys receiver Percy Howard didn't play football in college, but because he was such a tremendous athlete, Dallas took a chance on him anyway, making him their third receiver. Of course, the offense ran only two-receiver sets, so Howard never got the chance to play until a key injury late in Super Bowl X. As seen above, he caught a touchdown pass
- Saw only one movie, but it was "Citizen Kane" at the Roman Colosseum
- Went to Las Vegas only once, but won $7 million on the slots and got a free drink
- Drove just one car, but it was the Batmobile
- Had adult relations only one time, but it was with all of Charlie's Angels
- Made the Bust only once, but it was on the day you visited the site. And you're our most special visitor ever!
Name: Pete Rose
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Value of card: 3-to-1 odds it's worth nothing; OK, 1-to-1 odds
Key 1988 stat: 326,930 bets placed
10 bets Pete Rose made after seeing this card:
10) He bet he hadn't showered in three weeks.
9) He bet the only thing he "managed" was the 12-game parlay.
8) He bet that a Rose by any other name would still smell as sweat.
7) He bet his hair looked like stalagmites.
6) He bet bottom dollar — because he was broke.
5) He bet his arm hair could have been braided.
4) He bet dollars, ate doughnuts.
3) He bet he hadn't gotten a haircut in 16 months.
2) He bet on the Reds. Obviously, you should always bet on black.
1) He bet he would be betting by the end of the day. For once, he won.
Name: Tom Hume
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Value of card: Ohio redemption value for three Coca-Cola cans
Key 1981 stat: 218 coke parties (not Coca-Cola)
So, what does Tom Hume stand for:
Tufts of hair growing from his ears
Overbite was underwhelming
Mock turtleneck? No mocking it
Hat could have been raised an additional 6 or 7 inches
Underwear model in the offseason
Mullet needed some work
Eyesight was 20-20,000
Name: Steve Foster
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Value of card: A chewed pen cap
Key 1991 stat: Multiple shirts worn at all times
Autographs signed by Steve Foster (as far as you know):
- "To Sarah: Thanks for pointing out that my face is as red as my jersey. We can't all be as pale as you, you brat."
- "To Brian: It sure is dark out here. Please don't kill me."
- "Dear Charlie: No, rookie hazing does not involve 'servicing' Marge Schott or her foul dog. That's disgusting."
- "To Juliet: Your name is from Shakespeare, right? But soft, what light above my left shoulder breaks? It is a UFO, and we're all going to die."
- "Dear Jimmy: Hold on, I need to mug for the camera real quick."
Name: Steve Trout
Team: Chicago White Sox
Value of card: 14 fish scales
Key 1980 stat: 20-pound sunglasses
Master of disguise: Where have we seen Steve "Rainbow" Trout before?
A) In a Led Zeppelin tribute band called Whole Lotta Glove featuring baseball players
B) Standing in front of the sunglasses spindle at Wal-Mart for the past 40 minutes
C) In Seattle, getting tossed around by the guys at the Pike Place Market
D) At Wrigley Field, dressed like a middle-aged woman
E) All of the above
Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Kansas City Royals
Value of card: 14 used sunflower seed shells, still moist
Key 1989 stat: Roughly 2 million images of him doctored
You're doing it wrong: OK, look at the words at the top of this card. Then look at the image. Notice anything missing? If you said, the Royals logo on Bo Jackson's hat, well, you'd be right, obviously. But most food-based sports cards in the early 1990s were required to make players look like they were in the witness protection program. No, what we're going for here is that, for an "autograph series," this card seems to be suspiciously unsigned. And while it's true that you could find Bo's childlike scribbling on the back of the card, what fun is that? Maybe we'll start signing the back of our credit card receipts and see how that goes over. Seriously, this set would have been the worst thing to ever happen to sunflower seeds if not for this article.
Name: Darren "Dutch" Daulton
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Value of card: The wrapper from a Phillies Blunt
Key 1990 stat: 2,519 games of peek-a-boo played with catcher's mask (by himself)
It's time for a behind-the-plate pop quiz:
Why was Darren Daulton nicknamed "Dutch"?
(A) He was a huge fan of the 1991 film starring Ed O'Neill that was reviewed as being "like 'Home Alone' but with Bart Simpson."
(B) He was born and raised in Hoogezand-Sappemeer in Groningen province in the Netherlands
(C) He lived the "dutch door" lifestyle: mind closed, pants open.
(D) He like to pull the bed covers over teammates' heads and break wind.
(E) He smoked really crappy cigars.
(F) None of the above.
Name: Tre Johnson
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Offensive lineman
Value of card: 3 ounces of burnt steel
Key 1993 stat: 16 rolls of tape layered around knees and ankles, daily
Washington Redskins' scouting report on draft pick Tre Johnson: "This guy puts the 'offensive' in 'offensive lineman.' ... By the looks of this card, we can count on him to always be on fire. ... If this guy's face mask were any bigger OH MY GOD IS THAT A GIANT BABOON EMERGING FROM THE FLAMING MOLTON STEEL BEHIND TRE JOHNSON? HOW DID NO ONE SEE THAT GIGANTIC GREAT APE'S FACE PEERING FROM BEHIND THIS GUY AND INTO OUR SOULS? A BABOON! A DAMN BABOON! FLEER ALLOWED A BABOON TO GET ON A FOOTBALL CARD!"