Pablo Torrealba, 1979 Topps

Name: Pablo Torrealba
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Pit stench
Key 1978 stat: Zero forearms exposed
Oh, good lord: What are those things coming out of Pablo's nose?

A) More lapels
B) Black mollies
C) Mold spores
D) Newborn kittens
E) A mustache that somehow is less hideous than the uniform

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Pablo Torrealba, 1979 Topps

Phil Niekro, 1979 Topps

Name: Phil Niekro
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 pounds of wilted lettuce
Key 1978 stat: 1 big-league brother
Here's how Phil Niekro introduced himself in 1979:

• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I'm your garbageman."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I frighten children when I look at them."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I founded Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and you'll see me in your nightmares."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and all that hair is actually coming from my ears."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I like to knuckle things."

Phil Niekro, 1979 Topps

Bud Harrelson, 1979 Topps

Name: Bud Harrelson
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Shortstop, second base
Value of card: See that "P" on his cap? It stands for "pennies."
Key 1978 stat: An eighth of a mustache
Ten things Bud Harrelson's sunglasses couldn't block out:

10) The laughter of grown men who saw him wearing baby blue
9) The laughter of women who saw him take off that uniform
8) The laughter of children who saw the way he held the bat
7) The laughter of teammates every time he took batting practice
6) The laughter of everyone at his hint of a mustache
5) The laughter of his manager whenever he asked to pinch hit
4) The laughter of fans any time his batting average was shown
3) The laughter of his parents whenever he told them he had a date
2) The laughter of the cashier who sold him those sunglasses
1) The sun

Bud Harrelson, 1979 Topps

Duane Kuiper, 1979 Topps

Name: Duane Kuiper
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Second base
Value of card: As many cents as home runs hit in Kuiper's career
Key 1978 stat: Zero home runs
It's time for a homerless pop quiz:

How many home runs did 12-year veteran Duane Kuiper hit in his career?

(A) 1
(B) 6,543 - 6,542
(C) The same amount as the number of C's on his cap
(D) Uno
(E) All of the above

Duane Kuiper, 1979 Topps

Dwight Evans, 1979 Topps

Name: Dwight Evans
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One red sock, mixed in with a load of whites, staining your undershirts pick
Key 1978 stat: 107 drunken hugs from Red Sox fans
Some things you might not know about Dwight Evans:

• Batted .212 before mustache; batted .315 with mustache
• Nicknamed "Dewey" because he once lost to a pitcher named Truman
• Despite ridiculous rumors, was not married to Darrell Evans
• Was a Silver Slugger, Gold Glover and Bronzed Babe Magnet
• The pose above shows his exact batting stance

Dwight Evans, 1979 Topps

Joe Altobelli, 1979 Topps

Name: Joe Altobelli and the San Francisco Giants
Team: See above
Position: Manager and the team
Value of card: One-quarter of a cent for each player on the card
Key 1978 stat: 22 fights with the Dodgers
Let's take a look at Joe Altobelli and the 1979 Giants by the numbers:

36: Players and coaches in uniform
36: Players and coaches chewing tobacco in this photo
11: Players and coaches who could play at a big-league level
3: Clubhouse guys wearing satin jackets that could sell for $200 each on eBay to San Francisco hipsters
6: Players sitting on boxes filled with homeless people sleeping
1: Player ruining the photo by looking off camera (We're looking at you, front row far right)
1: Player taking lounging to an uncomfortable level (We're looking at you, middle row second from right)
1: Unhappy manager

Joe Altobelli, 1979 Topps

Wayne Twitchell, 1979 Topps

Name: Wayne Twitchell
Team: Montreal Expos
Positions: Pitcher, child of the night
Value of card: One drop of blood on your new shirt
Key 1978 stat: Two sharp fangs
It's a Canadian Caption, which possibly ran in the Montreal Gazette circa 1979: "Expos pitcher and known vampire Wayne Twitchell attempts to shield his eyes from the sun shortly before turning to dust after mistakenly taking the field during daylight hours at spring training Tuesday in Daytona Beach, Fla. Twitchell, who had been undead since the early 15th century, ventured outside Tuesday morning after mishearing a conversation about bloody marys, only to be destroyed by the harsh light of day."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Wayne Twitchell, 1979 Topps

Gorman Thomas, 1979 Topps

Name: Gorman Thomas
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One hateful scowl
Key 1978 stat: Voted most luxurious hair in the greater Milwaukee area
Clearing up some rumors about Gorman Thomas:

• Gorman Thomas was not constantly angry. He just lacked the facial muscles needed to smile.
• Gorman Thomas was not afraid to show some skin. He was afraid to wear any color except blue, however.
• Gorman Thomas did not, in fact, know what a "Gorman" was either.
• Gorman Thomas did not, in his later years, intentionally begin to resemble a St. Bernard dog. But he did wear a barrel of booze around his neck at times.
• Gorman Thomas' hair was not more impressive than his baseball talent. His ability to eat pickled eggs, however, was legendary.

Gorman Thomas, 1979 Topps

Eduardo Rodriguez, 1979 Topps

Name: Eduardo Rodriguez
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A piece of bratwurst, dropped on the sidewalk
Key 1978 stat: No hat worn for more than five minutes at a time
Real nice, Eduardo: Eduardo Rodriguez hated hats. Ballcaps, derbies, Stetsons      it didn't matter, he despised them all. Sure, he would wear a garbage bag for an undershirt, just as long as he didn't have to don a cap. When he was forced to wear a Brewers hat during games per league rules, he would take it off between pitches and, if the batter struck the ball, he would knock his hat off as though trying desperately to make a defensive play      even if the ball was fouled back into the stands. When umpires or coaches would try to make him keep his cap on, Rodriguez would take it off, point to his hair, say "My head's already warm enough, chief," and then shake his head back and forth, spraying everyone with sweat and loose follicles. It was truly a disgusting display.

Eduardo Rodriguez, 1979 Topps

Bob Sykes, 1979 Topps

Name: Bob Sykes
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: $50      Syke!
Key 1978 stat: Didn't know how to pose for a photo
It's a rather awkward edition of The Caption: "Tigers pitcher Bob Sykes does a series of lunges in the dirt while wearing a winter jacket that doesn't fit him and chewing an entire can of Copenhagen that he stuffed into his mushroom-shaped head during spring training Friday in Lakeland, Fla."

Bob Sykes, 1979 Topps

Rob Picciolo, 1979 Topps

Name: Rob Picciolo
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: It's worth more crumpled up and used for kindling
Key 1978 stat: 440 hours practicing on the piccolo
So, just what does Rob Picciolo stand for:

Rain, his biggest fear
Overhead, a storm is coming; inside him, a storm already rages
Blue-and-violet sky sends shivers up his spine

Perhaps he was struck by lightning; perhaps, it was bird poop
Intimidating skies above frighten him
Clouds, onerous clouds, have been known to make him weep
Curls of his hair even seem to run from the approaching weather
Inside his soul, a young boy — with a mustache — is frightened by the thunder
Others mock him about his fear; others, such as his mother and father
Lightning, thunder, rain, sleet, snow, hail. His nightmares are only of these things
Oh, lord, Rob. Run! It's starting to drizzle!

Rob Picciolo, 1979 Topps

Brian Downing, 1979 Topps

Name: Brian Downing
Team: California Angels
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A number the shape of a halo
Key 1978 stat: Two wings on an Angel (in his hair, not on his back)
It's time for a Southern California pop quiz:

Why, in god's name, does Brian Downing the Angel wear slightly shaded glasses?

(A) The good Lord came down from the heavens and blessed Downing's regular glasses with a holy light-brown tint.
(B) A supernatural being worshipped by hundreds of millions of people spoke to the Angels catcher in a dream and told him, "Brian, thou must look nerdier."
(C) The one all-knowing, all-powerful God shot lightning bolts through his fingers from his perch in the heavens down to the Earth, splintering a vast forest full of trees whose collective cloud of dissipating bark covered much of Southern California, including Downing's glasses.
(D) The omnipotent Providence bestowed shining white teeth and sun-bleached golden locks upon Brian Downing, an Angel, as part of His master plan to send Downing to Earth among the mortals to perform miracles and inspire His followers to perform good deeds in an effort to one day make it to heaven, where all angels wear glasses the color of Dr. Pepper vomit.
(E) All of the above.

Card courtesy of Douglas Corti

Brian Downing, 1979 Topps

Craig Kusick, 1979 Topps

Name: Craig Kusick
Team: Minnesota Twins
Positions: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: The leftover skin after a Siamese twin separation procedure
Key 1978 stat: 28,981 hours searching for his twin
Here's what Craig Kusick stands for:

Chin lines make necklaces unnecessary
Rose-colored glasses, but still hates what he sees
Ate bad trout sandwich, turned pale
In Twin Cities, still a well-known hobo
Glasses acted as official "jumping of shark" moment for 1970s shades style

Karaoke king who always sings "Superfly"
Underwear had more holes than his swing
Smile is a bit crooked, mirroring his poker reputation
Inside his stomach, an unborn twin
Caterpillar mustache about to crawl off his face
Keynote speaker at Kentucky Fried Chicken College commencement, 1981

Craig Kusick, 1979 Topps

Warren Brusstar, 1979 Topps

Name: Warren Brusstar
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three gold-star stickers with the sticky worn off
Key 1978 stat: 12 gloves played with (under the covers)
It's time for a late-1970s pop quiz:

In what ways does Warren put the "star" in Brusstar?

(A) His chest hair throws a 92-mph, hard-breaking slider.
(B) His afro never met a hat it couldn't push into orbit.
(C) His blue-eyed, steely stare forced Phillies management to alter the team's uniform colors.
(D) His unbridled anger forced a shoddy blog to rerun a mediocre baseball card of him.
(E) All of the above.

Warren Brusstar, 1979 Topps

Noah Jackson, 1979 Topps (Football Friday No. 83)

Name: Noah Jackson
Team: Chicago Bears
Positions: Guard, ark builder
Value of card: The gristle and fat left over from Jackson's mid-afternoon steak
Key 1978 stat: One male, one female of each species, two by two
10 things on Noah Jackson's ark:
10) Two elephants with heads the same size as Noah's
9) Giant, sweaty, hairy men, two by two
8) 11 bears on offense, 11 on defense
7) Type 2 diabetes
6) The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile
5) Two giant pandas, two woodpeckers, one steamy night, one bad joke
4) One flat top. Just one.
3) One female grizzly bear, one Noah Jackson
2) A dove and an olive branch (tangled in Noah's beard)
1) After dinner, three fewer species

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Noah Jackson, 1979 Topps (Football Friday No. 83)

Dan Meyer, 1979 Topps

Name: Dan Meyer
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: First base
Value of card: One nasty sunburn
Key 1978 stat: Eyes never fully opened
Fun facts about towhead Dan Meyer:

• The title character in the movie "Powder" was loosely based on Dan Meyer.
• Meyer had to play in Seattle — it was the only place where he could stay out of the sun enough to keep from being burned alive.
• His torso was so pale, you could actually see his organs through his skin.
• Meyer was so white, his home uniform looked gray on him.
• Meyer grew out the mullet seen above in hopes that his hair would darken as it got longer. Instead, he ended up looking like he was wearing a doll's wig.
• His chain is made of — wait for it — white gold.
• Meyer portrayed the abominable snowman in TV's "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" Christmas special.

Dan Meyer, 1979 Topps

Ozzie Smith, 1979 Topps

Name: Ozzie Smith
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One wiz
Key 1978 stat: Serious muttonchops
Overcoming adversity: Few people know that a freak tractor accident left Ozzie Smith unable to grow facial hair below the mouthline. Sure, he could cultivate a mean mustache and muttonchops that would make Hugh Jackman jealous, but Smith's baby-smooth lower jaw still drew taunts from teammates, opponents and fans. Things changed when the beardless wonder was traded to St. Louis. He met a mysterious white wizard who passed his powers on to Smith. These abilities included flying upside down and — lo and behold — growing hair where he never before could! Brimming with confidence and magic, Smith went on to win the World Series, as well as the 1982 National League MVB — Most Valuable Beard.

Ozzie Smith, 1979 Topps

Dan Dierdorf, 1979 Topps (Football Friday No. 42)

Name: Dan Dierdorf

Team: St. Louis Cardinals

Position: Offensive tackle

Value of card: Two 99-cent cheeseburgers from a Dumpster

Key 1978 stat: 22 pancake blocks (eaten in one sitting)

It's an offensive (line) pop quiz:

Why, oh why, is Dan Dierdorf despondent?

(A) He's looking at his stomach.

(B) His bulge's width is overshadowing his bulge's length.

(C) Despite his haircut and mustache, he was cut from the Hall and Oates tribute band, Brawl and Goats.

(D) His "Dierdorf on Golf" straight-to-video instructional series was eclipsed by a smaller gentleman.

(E) He has more chins than a ... what was that joke?

(F) The Nintendo Power Glove he's wearing is too tight.

(G) His dreams are filled with Dick (Enberg). Oh my.

(H) All of the above.

Dan Dierdorf, 1979 Topps (Football Friday No. 42)