10.03.2009

Cal Ripken Jr., 1993 Upper Deck Superhero Insert

Superhero name: The Raper
Alias: Cal Ripken Jr.
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Shortstop, superhero
Value of card: He'll make sure you get 10 to 20
Key 1992 stat: 143 people "saved"
Extent of costume: Two swipes of eye black
Weapon: Strategically placed phallic baseball bat
Mission: To rid the streets of criminals, just not rapers.
Source of powers: Human growth hormone, mock turtlenecks
Inspiration for "helping" others: Family tradition of abuse
Mortal enemy: Mysterious fir tree-shaped mountain of clouds, always lurking behind him, just out of sight
Slogan cliche alert: In the battle for eternity.
Misplaced punctuation: Period at end of incomplete sentence slogan

Share/Save/Bookmark

1 comment: