Name: Bip Roberts
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Positions: Infield, Outfield, Enforcer
Value of card: One beating
Key 1992 stat: Zero batting helmets stolen
Mr. Roberts' neighborhood: "Hello, welcome to the Reds dugout. My name is Bip, I'll be your tour guide today. You may notice directly behind me are several bats and batting helmets. Do not touch them. Do not look at them. Do not think about them. Now, over here to the left — hey, kid, didn't I just tell you not to look at those helmets? What, you want one of these bats? Are you wearing No. 22? No. Are you a Cincinnati Red? With that spare tire, I'm guessing not. That's it, you're off the tour! Get out of the dugout before I stuff those Junior Mints down your throat with my fist."