Benji Gil, 1992 Topps Draft Picks

Name: Benji Gil
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: More like Benji Nil
Key 1991 stat: Rated best jawline in Chula Vista, Calif.
Rangers' scouting report on first-round draft choice Benji Gil: "For such a young kid, he's built like a tank. Wait, no, correction: He moves like a tank. ... Says he can't get enough of Michael Bolton's music. ... Could be a 20-20 guy      meaning hits and errors, not homers and steals. ... Reminds us a bit of Patrick Bateman from 'American Psycho.' So that's frightening. ... Look, the truth is, we thought we were getting the dog from the movies. Our bad."


Tony Womack, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Name: Tony Womack
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Second base
Value of card: An ounce of Juicy Juice
Key 1997stat: Four binkies used (not counting his daughter's)
It's a father-daughter Matchup on the Bust:

Round 1: Bigger thirst (Winner: Father)
Round 2: More likely to wet themselves in half an hour (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: More stuffed animals owned (Winner: Daughter)
Round 4: More stuffed animals slept with at night (Winner: Father)
Round 5: Bigger base-stealing threat (Winner: Father)
Round 6: Bigger cookie-stealing threat (Winner: Also father)
Round 7: More likely to make you feel old when you realize she's probably, like, 18 now (Winner: Daughter)

Final score: Tony Womack 4, daughter 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Tony ran laps around his little girl, but that doesn't mean that little munchkin didn't steal our hearts. D'awwww.

Card submitted by John Stoddert


Mark McLemore, 1998 Score

Name: Mark McLemore
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Second base
Value of card: Four frames of B-roll
Key 1997 stat: One Golden Globe
Lights, camera, action: When he wasn't playing baseball for Texas, Mark McLemore would fill in as a cameraman during Rangers broadcasts, as seen above. But that wasn't Mark's only experience behind the camera. Here are a few of his other, lesser-seen productions:
  • A failed TV reality show starring Bengie, Yadier and Jose Molina called "Nonstop Squatting"
  • A hotdog-eating contest between Pudge Rodriguez and a wolf
  • Naughty time with Mrs. McLemore
  • His daughter's fourth birthday party (half taped over with an Evander Holyfield fight)
  • Seven minutes of smartphone footage of the inside of his pocket



Jerry Glanville, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 65)

Name: Jerry Glanville
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Head coach
Value of card: Grease on your jeans
Key 1992 stat: 36 biker bars visited
A handful of nicknames given to Jerry Glanville:
  • The Bozo in Black
  • The Buckle
  • Jerry "Who Are You Foolin'?" Glanville
  • Motorcycle Mama
  • Hardly Davidson



Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez, 1996 Score Pitcher Perfect

Names: Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez (feat. Randy Johnson)
Teams: Baltimore Orioles and Seattle Mariners
Positions: Shortstops, future third basemen 
Value of card: General confusion
Key 1995 stat: Zero comic books owned, combined
An illustrative pop quiz: We already know that Cal Ripken's superhero alias is The Ripper. What would A-Rod's be?

(A) The Needler
(B) Mr. April
(C) The Slapper
(D) The Disappointment
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Douglas Corti


Todd Christensen, 1988 Topps (Football Friday No. 221)

Name: Todd Christensen
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Tight end
Value of card: It's value is the equivalent of picking up one yard on fourth down and 10
Key 1988 stat: 217 meaningful stares
It's a north-of-the-neck Matchup, featuring Todd Christensen's mustache and hairdo:

Round 1: Plushness (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Curliness (Winner: Hairdo)
Round 3: Greasiness (Winner: Hairdo)
Round 4: More food stuck in it (Winner: Hairdo, actually)
Round 5: Respectability (Winner: Mustache)
Round 6: Makes the ladies swoon (Winner: Neither)
Round 7: More befitting the Raider Way (Winner: Mustache)
Round 8: Helps prevent concussions (Winner: Hairdo)

Final score: Hairdo 4, Mustache 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Christensen's mustache stood tall, but not nearly as tall as his curly pseudo-fro, which we're sure Todd in no way regrets at all.


Tiger Woods, 2001 Upper Deck (Christmas Day 2014 Special)

Name: Tiger Woods
Team: Umm, Team Nike?
Position: Golfer
Value of card: Getting your balls in the rough
Key 2001 stat: A much happier Christmas than, say, 2009
Merry Christmas from the Bust: Allow us to present a few Christmas carols influenced by Tiger Woods, the most randy golfer the North Pole ever knew.
  • Do You Feel What I Feel?
  • The Holly and the Ivy at the Same Time
  • O Come, All Ye Unfaithful
  • God Rest Ye, Merry Gentleman
  • Whose Child Is This?
  • Away, in a Stranger



Tom McKinnon, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Tom McKinnon
Team: Long Beach Whiteshirts St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Pitcher, soon-to-be designated hitter 
Value of card: One unwashed undergarment
Key 1991 stat: Never smiled
Fun facts about Tom McKinnon and some guy you could pull off the street: 
  • Some guy off the street would likely be better-dressed for photo day.
  • Some guy off the street might also have had a chance at posting a 3-to-43 walk-to-strikeout ratio while batting in 1994.
  • Some guy off the street probably had a high school picture taken with that same backdrop in the 1990s.
  • Yeah, well, Tom McKinnon smashed 16 homers and made the all-star team in the independent Big South League in 1996! In your face, some guy off the street!



Carlos Delgado, 1998 Score

Name: Carlos Delgado
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: First base
Value of card: The same as if it had been soaked in water
Key 1997 stat: One Oozinator purchased
Cool off with this edition of The Caption, which likely didn't run in the Toronto Sun circa 1997: "Blue Jays first baseman Carlos Delgado demonstrates his displeasure with home plate umpire Rich Garcia's strike zone by firing a high-powered water gun at the umpiring crew Thursday at the Rogers Centre in Toronto. Garcia, after being drenched, went over to the Blue Jays dugout, confiscated the toy and told a pouting Delgado that he could have it back after the game was over."


John Candelaria, 1977 Topps

Name: John Candelaria
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 7 ounces of excrement from a pirate's parrot
Key 1976 stat: 276 women seduced with a glance
It's time for a very hairy pop quiz:

Why did the ladies love John Candelaria?

(A) His salon-quality hair put theirs to shame.
(B) He had the penmanship of a 19th-century poet.
(C) That tickling sensation from the wisps of his mini-mustache.
(D) What woman doesn't want a Pirate with a little booty?
(E) All of the above.


Jim Jensen, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 64)

Name: Jim Jensen
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: An ounce of pee-contaminated pool water
Key 1992 stat: Endless heckling after this photo
Here's what Jim Jensen stands for:

Jahoobies covered by strategically crossed arms
It's no mistake      he's really a professional athlete
Masculinity at its peak

Just like an actual dolphin, Jim makes his home underwater
Either that or he lost a bet with the photographer
Nice sunglasses-hat-necklace combo in the pool, bub
Scantily clad football players are always a treat
Equaled the number of receptions that we had in 1992
Needless to say, this guy's all wet


Roberto Alomar, 1994 Upper Deck SP Die Cuts

Name: Roberto Alomar
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Second base
Value of card: 1 cent a minute
Key 1993 stat: $321 in overage charges
Conversation between Roberto Alomar and brother Sandy Alomar Jr., circa 1993: "Hey, Sandy, it's me. Yeah, I'm supposed to be out on the field, but I wanted to talk to you about a wireless plan. AT&T is sponsoring me and I have a great deal for you. If you buy a $499.99 phone that only weighs 4 pounds, you get access to my friends-and-family plan. That's right, if you buy the phone that can double as a yacht anchor you only have to pay $11 a minute to talk to me and one other friend or family member. I'd suggest you add Dad. I bought him an older model cellular phone that has a rotary dial and weighs 8 pounds. So can I sign you up? OK, talk to your agent and try to get that bigger contract first before you sign up for this one. Toodles."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti


Myron Pottios, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 220)

Name: Myron Pottios
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: M_ddle linebacker
Value of card: 3 ounces of backwashed squeeze bottle water
Key 1972 stat: Zero minutes of playing time
Top 10 reasons Myron Pottios got benched:
10) Too many toilet humor insults were hurled at him because of his last name.
9) He didn't want to make other players jealous of his hairdo.
8) He was so sad he couldn't peel himself off the bench.
7) Too many pads.
6) He had to take a shot of vodka out of a striped paper cup.
5) He was busy starring as Bluto Blutarsky in "Animal House."
4) Chin was too deadly a weapon for a football field.
3) Couldn't fit his helmet over his sideburns.
2) He didn't believe in playing for a team whose name was considered a racist slur by the people it was meant to represent.
1) The team didn't have a position for a m_ddle linebacker.


Ivan Rodriguez, 1998 Score

Name: Ivan Rodriguez
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 2 ounces of "pudge"
Key 1997 stat: Thighs the size of Greek pillars
It's the latest edition of The Caption, which definitely did not run in the Dallas Morning News circa 1998: "Rangers catcher Ivan 'Pudge' Rodriguez has some impish fun with teammate Juan Gonzalez by distracting Gonzalez with a little game of 'Look Up My Shorts' before hitting him in the face with a medicine ball Thursday morning in Arlington."


Dave Dravecky, 1990 Score

Name: Dave Dravecky
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 rolls of gauze
Key 1989 stat: 18 injuries
It's time for an injury-plagued pop quiz:

What were Dave Dravecky's other injuries?

(A) Cuts from the sharpness of his own hair helmet.
(B) Groin fatigue.
(C) Neck rash from turtleneck overuse.
(D) Face froze that way.
(E) All of the above.


Alex Rodriguez, 1998 Score

Name: Alex Rodriguez
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: $275,000,000 (Rodriguez's current contract) x 0
Key 1997 stat: Zero accusations of performance-enhancing drug use
Top 10 reasons Alex Rodriguez was getting miked up:
10) High-energy pop performance with former paramour Madonna.
9) TV spot for the D.A.R.E program.
8) Pregame chat with the Texas Rangers because, uh — no reason, Mariners front office.
7) Session with kids on how to modify a batting helmet and mitt to save time between innings.
6) In-game analysis for Fox during a drug suspension.
5) Commercial to pitch his A-Rod Custom Fly-Fishing Rods.
4) He's not getting miked up; that's a polygraph machine.
3) On-air interview with Pompous Male magazine.
2) Two words: Tom Emanski.
1) Grand jury testimony


Gene Brabender, 1970 Topps

Name: Gene Brabender
Team: Seattle Pilots
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of fish guts from Pike Place Market
Key 1970 stat: Zero Seattle Pilots games, because the team moved to Milwaukee before the 1970 season started
Quite the honor: We here at The Bust are excited to welcome Gene Brabender to the Name Hall of Fame. Surprisingly, this is the first player from the one-year-and-done Seattle Pilots to be given the honor. But Brabender isn't the first player whose name reminds us of the crazy summer nights of our youth. There's Motorboat Jones, who knew how to put his head down and get things done. Then there's Rusty Kuntz and Pete LaCock, who you can barely keep apart. And, of course, Dick Harter, who reminds of us of the third-period tuck, if you know what we mean. So here's to Gene Brabender, a player whose best pitch was an offer of heavy petting.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti


Mike Singletary, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 63)

Name: Mike Singletary
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: A single cent
Key 1992 stat: 40 pounds of neck muscle
It's time for The Caption, which absolutely did not run circa 1992 in the Chicago Tribune: "Bears linebacker Mike Singletary looks amused while modeling his new gameday helmet Saturday at Soldier Field. Things were much less amusing Sunday, however, when Singletary impaled two Vikings offensive linemen and quarterback Rich Gannon on his headgear before switching back to a regular helmet. All three Minnesota players are expected to survive."

Dick Perez, 1994 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Dick Perez
Team: Donruss
Position: Diamond King artist
Value of card: Four ounces of ink, spilled on your pants
Key 1993 stat: One copy purchased of "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man"
Is Dick Perez having a medical emergency? First off, here he is, ladies and gents, the man, the myth, the legend: Dick Perez. He spent many years tormenting us with these Diamond King cards, and we've now done the same in return. But is he having a medical emergency? His hair definitely is not. That helmet could absorb a 96-mph fastball. His beard is trimmed neatly, showing good dexterity and fashion sense. But patches of skin on his face are blue, and that's never a good sign. He may be losing oxygen to the brain, which would explain how this thing ever saw the light of day.


Andre Dawson, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Andre Dawson
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 blue lines, 2 red lines, and 1 teal line
Key 1987 stat: One super alter ego
Is Andre Dawson having a medical emergency? There's no discernible grimacing or lack of muscle control, so that's a good sign. His face isn't melting off, which has happened to more than one Diamond King victim. But that is one giant noggin. Could it be some sort of swelling? More likely, Diamond King Dawson suffers from gigantism. You know, the natural kind, not the Barry Bonds kind.


Darryl Strawberry, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Darryl Strawberry
Team: New York Mets
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A straw with a hole in it
Key 1986 stat: Half a mustache
Is Darryl Strawberry having a medical emergency? While li'l Darryl appears to be fit and hale, watching yet another long ball soar out of Shea, big Darryl might be in trouble. His hat's a little askew, but that's no big deal, and his eyes look fine. His nose is pretty asymmetrical, though      perhaps he's been in a fistfight? The big worry here, however, is what's going on with his mouth and cheeks. Either he's having a stroke or half of his face is melting due to some sort of witchcraft. Grab a cross and call an ambulance, Straw! Every second counts!


David Cone, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: David Cone
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One piece of sugar cone, picked up off the floor
Key 1988 stat: 14 times yelled at Keith Hernandez to stop farting so much
Is David Cone having a medical emergency? David is definitely pale in this image; in fact, he may be an albino. But that's a lifelong condition, not really a medical emergency. The back of his hair appears to be streaming into the New York sky, but that could just be an optical illusion caused by his supersonic speed. What's more concerning is that he looks like he's attempting to speak, but unable to fully open his mouth. I think what we've got here is a classic case of lockjaw. Better get to the ER, buddy; you don't want to mess with tetanus.


Gorman Thomas, 1982 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Gorman Thomas
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: An empty six-pack of Milwaukee's Best
Key 1981 stat: Clothed a family of four with his mustache
Is Gorman Thomas having a medical emergency? Right now? No. He's clearly happy, maybe because it's such a joy to live in Milwaukee, maybe because it's been eight months to the day since he last had a haircut, or maybe because Bernie Brewer has bought the last three rounds. But he is not in need of medical attention      right now. In a few years, though, when he begins to morph into a Saint Bernard dog? It would probably be a good idea.


Andy Van Slyke, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Andy Van Slyke
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six used Band-Aids
Key 1987 stat: Zero times maintaining the area between his eyebrows
Is Andy Van Slyke having a medical emergency? Hmm, let's see. One side of his face definitely appears to be drooping, indicating a possible stroke. Or maybe it's just melting? Either way, that's a bad sign. Then, li'l Andy down there at the right may soon be a victim of a second-degree sunburn. Additionally, the mustache on li'l Andy looks like it's just completely fallen off of big Andy's face. We're pretty sure that might require a trip to the ER. So, yes, please call an ambulance before Mr. Van Slyke keels over.


Dwight Gooden, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Dwight Gooden
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: One big apple, filled with worms
Key 1985 stat: Constant disgust
Yep, we've got more of 'em: That's right, Internet, your least favorite subset is back. Sure, we've already posted enough Diamond Kings to stuff a binder, but this week's seven illustrations make us wonder if the athletes featured in them are having some sort of medical emergency. So, to borrow an idea from Grandma Milhouse, go ahead and dial 9-1 while we investigate; then, if we say so, dial 1 again.
Is Dwight Gooden having a medical emergency? Upon further investigation, Doc is not having an embolism; he's just angry. Wouldn't you be? I mean, if you were painted with a laser beam going through your ears, a miniature version of yourself digging his cleats into your own neck, and your mouth at a completely different angle than the rest of your face, you can't tell me you'd be happy about it. So forgive Doc if he's a little torqued off. (Just don't tell him about the two little white lines around that laser beam.)


Randall Cunningham, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 62)

Name: Randall Cunningham
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Lots of leg
Key 1992 stat: One surgically repaired knee
Top 10 things about this card:

10) The mustache
9) The cinderblock wall
8) The T-shirt
7) The rehab machine/torture device
6) The panic button atop the rehab machine/torture device
5) The flat-top
4) The stare-at-my-crotch poster
3) The shorts
2) The shorts
1) Definitely the shorts


Tom Goodwin, 2001 Fleer Ultra

Name: Tom Goodwin
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 blades of grass
Key 2000 stat: 14 fly balls missed in the sun
It's time for a reflective pop quiz:

What's that reflected in Tom Goodwin's sunglasses?

(A) Teammates visibly ridiculing Goodwin for his oversize sunglasses.
(B) His optometrist.
(C) Oakley's entire marketing department.
(D) A sports card photographer taking the worst shot of his career.
(E) All of the above.


Wally Chambers, 1974 Topps (Football Friday No. 219)

Name: Wally Chambers
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: A pound of bear poo
Key 1974 stat: One mean glare
Hairstyle trademark infringement: 1974 was a tough year for Wally Chambers. Expectations were high after Chambers was named the Defensive Rookie of the Year in 1973, and while Chambers' on-field performance was fine, his extracurricular issues proved a distraction. Chambers attempted to trademark his hairstyle, a hard-part afro that he called the Wally Wall®. Bills wide receiver J.D. Hill quickly filed a lawsuit, claiming the Wally Wall® was just a ripoff of the Hill of Hair® parted on the other side. The two parters parties settled out of court for an undisclosed amount.



Sammy Stewart, 1984 Topps

Name: Sammy Stewart
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 dead birds
Key 1983 stat: 1 driver's license photo on a baseball card
Some of the unique pitches that Sammy Stewart threw:
  • Nine-seam fastball
  • Spit-finger slowball
  • Moose knuckler
  • The straight, fast Eephus
  • Oval change
  • Chew spitball



Mo Vaughn, 1998 Score Spring Training

Name: Mo Vaughn
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: 1 cent? It's worth Mo, Mo, Mo (just barely)
Key 1997 stat: 7 minutes spent exercising
Mo Vaughn had a strenuous spring training workout regimen; here are some of his exercises:
  • Pick up medicine ball; huck it at teammate whose back is turned.
  • Grab 25-pound free weight; fling it through clubhouse window.
  • Pick up matching kettle bells; simultaneously bash them upside mascot's head.
  • Approach NordicTrack; rip it to pieces.
  • Grab Shake Weight; exercise vigorously; choke out teammates making wisecracks.



Dave Engle, 1984 Donruss

Name: Dave Engle
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1983 stat: 1,975 mischievous looks
It's time for a Twin Cities pop quiz:

Why does Dave Engle look so mischievous?

(A) He just filled his teammates' Gatorade bottles with chew spit.
(B) He just mixed Bengay in the sunflower seed stash.
(C) He just put a piece of chewed gum with a bubble on a teammate's hat — and then told his wife he'd cheated on her.
(D) He just got pictured on a baseball card despite barely being a baseball player.
(E) All of the above.


The Ripkens, 1989 Bowman

Names: Cal Ripken Jr., Cal Ripken Sr., Billy Ripken
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Shortstop, manager, second base
Value of card: 5 cents for Cal Jr., 1 cent for Cal Sr., minus 3 cents for Billy = 3 cents
Key 1988 stat: Zero family dinners free of arguments
It's time for a family-not-so-friendly edition of The Matchup, refereed by Cal Ripken Sr.:

Round 1: Fielding ("I got to go with my boy Cal Jr," Cal Sr. says.)
Round 2: Throwing ("Again, my son Cal has Billy beat here.")
Round 3: Hitting for average (Not even close; it's my son Cal.")
Round 4: Hitting for power (Not to pile on, Billy, but I have to go with your brother Cal.")
Round 5: Base running ("This might surprise you, but Billy can be an idiot on the base paths, so I have to go with Cal.")
Round 6: Bulge ("Just take a look at the picture: It's Cal all the way.")
Round 7: Baseball card history ("No one has a better card than my boy Billy. Love ya son!")

Score: Cal Jr. 6, Billy 1

Synopsis: No one knows Cal Sr.'s boys better than Dad, and it shows in this runaway win for the Hall of Famer, save for the greatest error card of all time.