Dizzy Trout and Steve Trout, 1985 Topps Father-Son

Names: Dizzy Trout, Steve Trout
Teams: Boston Red Sox, Chicago Cubs
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Ask your father
Key 1984 stat: 14 loving embraces between father and son
It's time for a family-friendly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: 1950s math teacher glasses (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 2: Feathered coif that could feel at home atop the head of a 1980s all-woman pop-rock group (Winner: Steve)
Round 3: Ears that are threatening to take flight (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 4: Symmetrical eyes that don't beg for the nickname "Dizzy" (Winner: Steve)
Round 5: Honor of being immortalized in a work-of-art illustration (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 6: Possibly, maybe, seemingly racist logo on the card (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 7: Fishy last name (Winner: Tie)

Score: Dizzy 4, Steve 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: In a battle between a couple of Trouts, the big fish comes out on top thanks in part to some little weird red dude swinging big lumber with a bigger chin.


Champ Summers, 1984 Topps

Name: Champ Summers
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Not much, champ
Key 1983 stat: Zero championship belts
Here are some of the things that Champ Summers was the champ of:
  • Stick-on mustache competitions
  • Magenta mugshot background challenges
  • Sleeve abundance contests
  • Creepy, staring pose tournaments
  • Summers



George Seifert, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 52)

Name: George Seifert
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Head coach
Value of card: All the real gold that's in that jacket
Key 1990 stat: 14 early-bird specials
Some of 49ers head coach George Seifert's best plays:
  • Gold 7 jacket's buttons hook
  • Grey right silver fox square out
  • Double pleated pants seam left 
  • Solo left 6-gallon hat on three
  • Red right gold left blinded by outfit on sight hut hut hike



Jeff Montgomery, 1989 Donruss

Name: Jeff Montgomery
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Closer
Value of card: A fifth of Winner's Cup Vodka
Key 1988 stat: 387 evil stares
It's time for a hateful pop quiz:

What has made Jeff Montgomery so angry?

(A) He's enraged about being named after the capital of Alabama.
(B) He's furious about having a unibrow when he scrunches his face in fury.
(C) He's outraged about being associated in any way with Donruss.
(D) He's irate about being pictured with a scowl on his face even though he's a happy-go-lucky chum.
(E) All of the above.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp


Fred Dryer, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 211)

Name: Fred Dryer
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Positions: Defensive end, actor
Value of card: 1 Beta tape of "Hunter"
Key 1976 stat: 7 years before starring as Detective Sgt. Rick Hunter
It's time for a Hollywood-tinged pop quiz:

How were Fred Dryer's acting skills on display in this card?

(A) He's not really a guy with a beard; he's just playing one.
(B) He's acting like he really takes the field without shoulder pads.
(C) Bending over suggestively, he's putting on a show for the ladies.
(D) He's pretending he doesn't want to spear-tackle the photographer for helping put him on this abysmal card.
(E) All of the above.


Joe Pettini, 1981 Topps

Name: Joe Pettini
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Shortstop, third base
Value of card: It's complicated
Key 1980 stat: You wouldn't understand
An ode to Joe Pettini: Joe, oh Joe. You're a complicated man. You dress like a cat burglar and carry the moniker of a salami maker. Andy Warhol, the master of the pop art movement, found your look so intriguing, so mesmerizing, that he painted the portrait above and sold it for a buck seventy-five when he was high on mescaline. Joe, oh Joe. How do you feather your mullet so? How can you see lunar pebbles on the moon with 14-pound glasses that make women swoon? Tell us the secrets of your mustache-like sideburns and sideburn-like mustache. Joe, fair Joe, thank you for being our work of art.


Bruce Bochy, 1987 Fleer

Name: Bruce Bochy
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A nickel, swallowed and then crapped out
Key 1986 stat: Hated having his photo taken, apparently
Other than a 35-pound chew, here's what else could be in Bruce Bochy's mouth:
  • His catcher's mask
  • A second (and third) mustache
  • The San Diego Chicken's headpiece
  • A whole case of sunflower seeds
  • A roll of film he forcibly took from the cameraman
  • Rookie Benny Santiago's entire lunch
  • A 65-pound chew



Don Mossi, 1966 Topps

Name: Don Mossi
Team: Kansas City Athletics
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A bucket full of dead squirrels
Key 1965 stat: 276 women wooed
Let's see what Don Mossi stands for:

Desirable men like this don't come around often
Ostentatious display of sexuality? Check
Never underestimate the animalistic allure of Mr. Mossi

Masculinity is off the charts
Opposite-sex attraction was only half the story
Seductive gazes enchanted the ladies
Stunning combination of attractive features
Inviting? Absolutely; why don't you just head to his bedroom now?


Bud Harrelson, 1979 Topps

Name: Bud Harrelson
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Shortstop, second base
Value of card: See that "P" on his cap? It stands for "pennies."
Key 1978 stat: An eighth of a mustache
Ten things Bud Harrelson's sunglasses couldn't block out:

10) The laughter of grown men who saw him wearing baby blue
9) The laughter of women who saw him take off that uniform
8) The laughter of children who saw the way he held the bat
7) The laughter of teammates every time he took batting practice
6) The laughter of everyone at his hint of a mustache
5) The laughter of his manager whenever he asked to pinch hit
4) The laughter of fans any time his batting average was shown
3) The laughter of his parents whenever he told them he had a date
2) The laughter of the cashier who sold him those sunglasses
1) The sun



D.J. Johnson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 51)

Name: David "D.J." Johnson
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One broken "DJ Hero" turntable
Key 1991 stat: 365 times reflecting on the day
D.J. Johnson's train of thought from 7:02 to 7:04 p.m., Aug. 3, 1991: "Wow, what a beautiful sunset. I bet it'll make my biceps look awesome. Wait, are my sleeves still rolled up? Yep, good. Lookin' good. ... I wonder how well my mullet will show up in this light. I mean, it'll be clear that I'm all business up front, but the ladies need to know about the party in the back. ... Too bad picture day is today. Another month, and this mustache would totally be filled in. Oh well, I'm sure my wrist brace will draw attention away from it. ... Is this guy done taking my photo yet? It was a lot of work spraying myself with all that water in order to look sweaty. I need a shower."

Brett Butler, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Brett Butler
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Disgust
Key 1985 stat: Constantly disgusted
Wake up, Nancy: Oh, what's that? You've been having nightmares all week because of these dream-haunting Diamond Kings? Well, Brett Butler doesn't want to hear it. He thinks you need to get your act together and quit whining. He doesn't care about how frightening some of these illustrations are, and he doesn't give one crap about how you sometimes wake up screaming. You want to know fear? You want to know bone-chilling terror? Try being a Major League Baseball player with the same name as a Hollywood actress. You might never sleep again.


Jose Cruz, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Jose Cruz
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A shot of Jose (not Cuervo)
Key 1984 stat: 512 bones in face, apparently
A real looker: The fear struck into the hearts of men (and women) by Jose Cruz has been previously documented on this site. Even Dick Perez was so horrified that all he could come up with for a background was a purple square. Let's review: There's the soullessness of Jose's eyes, which can bore through any skull and see the deepest fears therein. There's the rapey gaze that makes people of all genders clench their legs shut even more quickly than when they hear the word "prolapse." And then there's the monobrow, which      well, actually, that monobrow is pretty funny. Imagine being Perez and painting that thing in. If he hadn't been so terrified by the rest of Cruz's face, it probably would have been the best moment of his Donruss career.


Charlie Hough, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Charlie Hough
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: A huff and a puff
Key 1996 stat: 52 bottles of Just For Men purchased
Hinting at retirement: What's so scary about this Diamond King? Well, as usual, you've got your faceless tiny man in the corner      you'll definitely be seeing him when you close your eyes tonight. There's also the lesson in how not to apply self-tanning products that is Old Man Hough's face. That thing's streakier than the inside of his adult diaper. But perhaps the biggest can of nightmare fuel is that giant fork that Dick Perez has shoved in Charlie's back. Good lord, man, what did this old-timer do to tick you off? Either that, or you were trying to hint that it was time for Charlie to call it a career      stick a fork in him, he's done.


Ron Kittle, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Ron Kittle
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 3 months of bird crap found inside a sparrow nest
Key 1983 stat: 20/80 vision
Grab your mace: "Hey baby. Come to this parking lot often? Huh-ha. (snort) Huh-ha. No, no, don't back away. I'm not trying to be creepy. I'm not a serial killer or anything. Huh-ha. (snort) Huh-ha. Do you like my panel van over here? It's really nice inside. You should see it some time. Why are you dialing on your phone? I'm not trying to scare you out of your clothes or anything. Huh-ha. (snort) Huh-ha. Do you like my glasses? All the better to see you with, my dear. Wait, why are you running away? I can be the man of your dreams. Don't you want me haunting your dreams? Wait, come back! (Puts rope, large plastic bag and shovel into the back of van.)"


Willie McGee, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings No. 3)

Name: Willie McGee
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2 ounces of hardened Play-Doh
Key 1985 stat: 14 children frightened
Man of mystery: What, what, what is it? What is that thing pictured above? It can't be Willie McGee. For all his faults, he was at least human. The shards of skin and turkey neck don't make a man. It's like a mismatched selection of body parts, crammed together without care for the poor souls whose eyes must view it. This, this, this thing is the stuff nightmares are made of. Those lazy eyes, weak chin, upturned nose and jagged lips; that's not Willie. Could there be a worse illustration of this former MVP? Yes, yes there absolutely can.


Mark McGwire, 1996 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Team: Oakland A's
Position: First base
Value of card: You know those plastic paint palettes that were handed out in first grade? One of those, dried up and broken into three pieces
Key 1995 stat: 74 hours looking directly at you
Don't look away: "Hey you! Yeah, you. It's me, Mark McGwire, and I'm staring you down. I'm here to do one thing: scare you straight. My icy-cold glare is peering deep into your frightened, fraudulent soul. You're a craven, and you need to stand up and be a man. You're terrified of me just as you're terrified of waking up every morning and looking in the mirror. Stare into my dead, baby-blue eyes. Here's the message you need to internalize, the words you must never forget, the simple instructions that will turn you from a quivering coward into a fearless alpha male: Grow a mullet, you spineless jellyfish, and become a man, like McGwire."



Dave Concepcion, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Dave Concepcion
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 11 flakes of cigarette ash
Key 1983 stat: Zero minutes hanging in a museum
Welcome to Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week: Once again, we'd like to apologize. We've brought you Atrocious Diamond Kings, God-Awful Diamond Kings, Dreadful Diamond Kings, Horrendous Diamond Kings, Disturbing Diamond Kings and Diamond Kings we just had to apologize for. But now, our greatest latest set of Donruss' premier only painted subset: Diamond Kings that are so frightening, they'll haunt your dreams. Enjoy!
Don't fall asleep: You may be getting tired, but we'd stay away from bed. You never know when "Crazy Eyes" Concepcion might be lurking in the shadows, ready to render you unconscious with the chloroform-soaked rag tucked into his batting helmet. Concepcion might have been slick in the field, but he was slicker when covered in the blood of his victims, especially after he wore the "Texas Chainsaw"-style flesh mask pictured above. Consider yourself forewarned: Don't sleep on this Diamond King.


Junior Seau, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 50)

Name: Junior Seau
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One drawstring
Key 1991 stat: Turtlenecks, turtlenecks everywhere!
Put this pop quiz in lights: What does it say on the scoreboard behind Junior Seau?

(E) NONE OF      er, none of the above


Kent Tekulve, 1981 Topps

Name: Kent Tekulve
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of the part of a pirate's peg leg that touches the stump
Key 1980 stat: 20 stars on his Little League hat
It's time for The Caption, which we're sure did not run in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette in the early 1980s: "Kent Tekulve, center, does a funky chicken dance on the mound while wearing aviator shades, one of the best baseball caps of all time and a uniform that blinded 12 fans who were already blind after throwing a sidearm slurve for the Pirates against the New York Mets at Three Rivers Stadium on a sweltering June day with 98 percent humidity made hotter by Tekulve's school-bus-yellow jersey and pants in Pittsburgh on Wednesday."


Roy Gerela, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 210)

Name: Roy Gerela
Team: Houston Oilers
Position: Kicker
Value of card: 6 drops of oil
Key 1970 stat: 12 nights spent in the basement of the Alamo (behind him)
Here's what Roy Gerela stands for:

Rascally haircut for a rascally kicker
Oil covered his body on many nights spent alone
Younger than most players by looking at that hairdo

Gazing into the far beyond, he saw his future on a terrible sports card
Eyes strangely the same blinding color of his uniform and the sky
Rarely found time to comb his bangs between kicks
Everyman who most men would avoid
Little illustrated kicker in the corner was a much tougher dude
Adam's apple could serve as a shiv in a streetfight


Al Holland, 1981 Fleer

Name: Al Holland
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher (possibly a belly-itcher)
Value of card: 2 cat hairballs
Key 1980 stat: $12,876 annual salary as South San Francisco garbage collector
Gaze upon him: Here we have style maven Al Holland. The talented pitcher set out each day to redefine fashion on the diamond. He eschewed baseball caps, saying men who always wore hair helmets didn't need them. He sewed his own jacket from a tarp that spent two winters covering a wood pile. Why? Because he could. He grew a mustache that frowned for him when reporters questioned his fashion choices. His mutton chops? Epic. They were as thick as most lumberjacks' beards — but who needs a beard with a chin that manly? We salute you, Al Holland. A true style Giant.


Willie McGee, 1989 Topps Big

Name: Gah! We mean, Willie McGee
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 40 shudders
Key 1988 stat: Even he seemed appalled by himself
Come on, Topps: Look, we understand the point of the Topps Big set was to get both an action shot and an up-close mug of the same player on one card. But maybe you could have just gone with two action shots of Willie? We mean, good lord, nobody needs to see that homely face smiling (is he smiling?) right back at them. Imagine the poor kids who saw this card! Nightmares for weeks, and probably a bout of bed-wetting, too (that was our excuse, at least). It's bad enough that these cards won't fit in our standard-issue card pages, you don't need to torment us with a full-on view of the Chinless Wonder as well. Now, if you'll excuse us, we need to go wash our sheets.



Sean Lowe, 1993 Score Select First Round Draft Pick

Name: Sean Lowe
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A bag of clouds
Key 1992 stat: 26 red birds killed with a pellet gun
St. Louis Cardinals' scouting report on first-round pick Sean Lowe: "Well, it's pretty obvious, but the sky is the limit with this kid — and it looks like he has reached his limit. ... Can't pitch worth a lick, but his vertical leap is 122,816 feet. ... His baseball IQ isn't that high; his head seems to be in the clouds. ... If that trampoline rule change comes to pass, this kid will be a star. ... His apparent ability to fly bodes well for a team with a bird for a mascot."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti


Mike Piazza, 1998 Score Spring Training

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 11 pieces of burnt pepperoni
Key 1997 stat: 51 Italian food dinners with Tommy Lasorda
Here's how Mike Piazza spent spring training:
  • Sculpting his mustache with tweezers.
  • Shopping at the Oakley store for only-awesome-in-the-1990s shades.
  • Running laps ... around the Vero Beach, Fla., nightclub scene
  • Catching more flak than baseballs.
  • Spring potty training.



Myron Guyton, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 49)

Name: Myron Guyton
Team: New York Giants
Position: Defensive back
Value of card: 6 shreds of Zubaz
Key 1990 stat: 71 straight hours cradling a football
Conversation between Myron Guyton and a Pro Line photographer, circa 1990:
Pro Line photographer: "Howdy, Myron. I'm here to take your photo."
Myron Guyton: "No ball."
PLP: "Ha. That's fine, Myron. All I need to do is snap a picture."
MG: "I said, 'No ball.'"
PLP: "OK, OK. You just hold onto that ball, buddy. Let me get set up here."
MG: "No. No. No. No ball."
PLP: "You keep the ball, Myron. Maybe just hold it more naturally."
MG: "No. My football."
PLP: "Don't you maybe want to hold it tucked between your arm and your side, like you're running with it?"
MG: "My ball. No ball for you."
PLP: "Fine. Your ball. Any chance you can shake out your Zubaz pants so we don't end up with a football card sporting a bulge?"
MG: "My bulge."
PLP: (sighs, shakes head, takes photo)


Juan Berenguer, 1992 Topps

Name: Juan Berenguer
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's laughable
Key 1991 stat: 212 hours spent laughing
It's time for a hilarious pop quiz:

What's so funny, Juan Berenguer?

(A) "That guy just spent 10 minutes trying to pronounce my name."
(B) "Have you ever heard the 'Juan on, Juan out' joke? Hilarious."
(C) "This mustache is so ticklish!"
(D) "Nothing's funny; just showing off my teeth."
(E) All of the above.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp.


John Riggins, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 209)

Name: John Riggins
Team: New York Jets
Position: Running back
Value of card: The broken radio antenna from that sweet '71 Oldsmobile in the background
Key 1973 stat: Put Bill Bradley to shame
Hair's the catch: Football fans know that John Riggins was a tough guy, a hard-nosed runner who was never one to shy away from contact. But few remember that Riggins appealed to the league before the 1973 season to let him play without a helmet, arguing that his luxurious afro would absorb any impact on the field      and adding that it would be a crime to cover it up in any way. The NFL decided to allow Riggins to forgo his hat for one preseason game as a trial. The running back, as you might expect, was knocked unconscious in the first quarter. The league then quickly denied Riggins' appeal      not because it was concerned about concussions or player safety (as we've come to learn), but because of commissioner Pete Rozelle's incredible hair envy.


Dickie Thon, 1989 Donruss

Name: Dickie Thon
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 2 stretched-out stirrups
Key 1988 stat: 76 bunt attempts
Here's what Dickie Thon stands for:

Didn't mind being called "Dickie," which is awesome.
In terms of bulge, this guy led the Padres.
Chuckles over his name were common.
Kind of looked like that waiter at the Italian restaurant.
Inside the clubhouse, he played "The Thon Song"
Even his wife couldn't get those stirrups off him.

Thought he was playing pool when he got in the batter's box.
Held the bat like a real pro when bunting.
Only player on the Padres who liked the 1980s uniform colors.
Never met an extra-large cup he wouldn't wear.


Rick Monday, 1977 Topps

Name: Rick Monday
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield-first base
Value of card: 1,908 cents (wink, wink)
Key 1976 stat: 52 Mondays feeling special
Here's how Rick Monday spent his week:
  • Monday: Posing for a baseball card.
  • Tuesday: Still smiling, for the 24th straight hour.
  • Wednesday: Asking a third-grader for advice on how to improve his penmanship.
  • Thursday: Combing his mullet.
  • Friday: Still smiling, for the 96th straight hour.
  • Saturday: Going back, year by year, in search of a Cubs World Series title.
  • Sunday: Counting the minutes to Monday.



Park Pittman, 1990 PCL League

Name: Park Pittman
Team: Portland Beavers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 pound of chewed-up wood
Key 1989 stat: 287,119 "beaver" jokes in the dugout
Minnesota Twins' scouting report of Portland Beavers prospect Park Pittman: "Big-league mullet, so who cares about his arm? ... We'll never be able to trade him to the Cardinals after they see him sporting a jersey that's an obvious ripoff of theirs. ... Appears to be storing a beaver pelt under his cap, which is a plus. ... We'll need to enlist the team barber to even out that 'stache. ... Has a name fit for a baseball comedy movie, which translates well considering his laughable prospects in the big leagues. ... Can we just bring up this Beaver? The clubhouse is a serious sausage fest."

Card submitted by Zach Jones


Frank Tanana, 1987 Donruss

Name: Frank "The Tank" Tanana
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Even lower than modern-day Detroit property values
Key 1986 stat: One god-awful photo
Here we go: Fine work, Donruss photo team. That's fantastic. Look, we're not going to sit here and tell you that Frank Tanana was the world's most photogenic dude, but come on. This was the best picture you could choose? Let's run down the checklist of bad sports card photography. Camera positioned too close to the face? Check. Use of flash causing the subject to squint and creating the appearance of a sheen of sweat over his entire face? Check. Not asking the subject to tuck away his unwashed bangs or trim his unibrow? Check. Hey, I guess we should be grateful that you guys at least got him in focus, eh? Good job, fellas.