Name: Matt Millen
Team: Washington Redskins
Value of card: 14 pieces of used, sweaty hand tape
Key 1990 stat: 8 pairs of sweatpants owned
Top 10 reasons Matt Millen was a man among men:
10) He made that chin cleft with a hammer and chisel.
9) His T-shirts are tucked into his tighty-whities
8) He used his hand tape to silence trash-talking opponents.
7) He always strutted around staring at the sky with his head slightly tilted.
6) His mock turtleneck is made from real turtles.
5) He used his elbow pad as a jockstrap.
4) He turned coal into diamonds between those thighs.
3) He squeezed the sweat from his shirt into a water bottle and drank it.
2) He played games in this outfit.
1) He has a pizza stuffed in the front of those sweatpants.
Name: Ron LeFlore
Team: Chicago White Sox
Value of card: 14 dead flowers
Key 1981 stat: One bout of lead poisoning from that necklace
Garbage-time pop quiz: Why is Ron LeFlore dressed like the garbage man?
(A) We don't know, and neither does he, judging by the look on his face.
(B) Hey, he had to do something during the '81 strike.
(C) It's not intentional; he's just allergic to every clothing material except plastic.
(D) It beats wearing those old White Sox uniforms.
(E) None of the above
Name: Donnell Thompson
Team: Indianapolis Colts
Position: Defensive end, giant
Value of card: Helplessness
Key 1990 stat: Judging by this card, he was 8'4", 403 lbs.
It's a Football Friday Caption, which likely didn't run in the Indianapolis Star sometime in 1990: "Packers quarterback Blair Kiel futilely winds up to pass to a target he almost certainly cannot see shortly before having more than half of the bones in his body mercilessly crushed by Colts defender and oversize human Donnell Thompson on Sunday in Green Bay, Wisc."
Name: Covelli "Coco" Crisp
Team: Oakland A's
Value of card: Spilled milk
Key 2013 stat: Kept it old school
A historic hair day: Baseball Card Bust today welcomes Coco Crisp into its Afro Hall of Fame. Standing more than a foot tall and having batted .312 with 84 home runs (with the ladies), the Coco-Fro has more than earned this hallowed honor. Congratulations, Coco. Today, you join this partial list of other all-natural legends:
- Oscar Gamble, whose hair was never airbrushed, even when his uniform was.
- J.D. Hill, who played his part in hairstyle history
- Wonder Monds, whose name said it all
- Ray May, who was always to the point
- And Larry Giroux, who broke barriers by bring the afro to the ice
Name: Karl Best
Team: Seattle Mariners
Value of card: See that necklace? It's worth nothing even close to that.
Key 1986 stat: 122 fish caught at Pike Place Market
Some of the reasons Karl was "the Best":
- No one else wore a $4 mesh hat during a Mariners game.
- No other pitchers had serial killer eyes.
- No other 11th-graders made it onto a baseball card.
- No other Mariners spent their evenings bagging your groceries.
- No other Major League Baseball player had such an ironic last name.
Name: Jack Morris
Team: Detroit Tigers
Value of card: An avocado pit
Key 1981 stat: Zero non-grainy photos taken of him
Wow, what a card: Let's take a moment to thank Fleer for this fine card. The effort and hard work that must have gone into such a fine representation of such a stellar pitcher is mind-blowing. Just think of the countless hours the photographer invested to capture such an important moment. It's not just the artistic acumen required to present Morris in a grainy, out-of-focus image, it's the foresight to picture him not during a game, but throwing in front of a chain-link fence, apparently in a prison yard in southern Michigan. So bravo, Fleer executives, you've outdone yourselves once again.
Name: Dave Winfield
Team: California Angels
Value of card: Million-dollar smile
Key 1990 stat: One attempted steal (of your girlfriend)
Dave Winfield's dating profile, circa 1990:
Screen name: WinfieldOfDreams_12
Height: 6' 6"
Weight: 220 pounds (all muscle, baby)
Hair color: Black
Ethnicity: Minnesotan, originally
Want children? I could use a bat boy
Best feature: These pearly whites
Smoke? The occasional fastball
Religion: I believe in Angels
Seeking: The ladies
Location: Los Angeles? Anaheim? Orange County? One of those
Her body type: Beach bod
Her ethnicity: Tanned
About me: Hey girl, Winny here. After too many seasons in the cold (and cold-heartedness) of New York, I'm back in SoCal, ready to heat things up. Once you're done getting lost in my eyes, drop me line, and we'll see if you can help me work on my power stroke. After all, my jersey may say I'm an Angel, but I'm a real demon once the lights go out. Rrrowwrrr!
Name: Morten Anderson
Team: New Orleans Saints
Value of card: 10 toenail clippings
Key 1990 stat: 240 hours spent perched on a goal post
Conversation between Pro Line photographer and Morten Anderson, circa 1990:
Pro Line Photographer: "Morten, Morten, will you please come down from there?"
Morten Anderson: "No. No, no, no, no. No!"
PLP: "Morten, please, this is supposed to be a professional photo shoot."
MA: "I don't wanna. I don't have to take some stupid picture if I don't wanna."
PLP: "Morten, this is written into your contract. Please, come down."
MA: "My mom says I don't have to do anything that I don't want to."
PLP: "Morten, this will be quick. Please come down and I'll take a photo and we'll be done. I'll even give you a candy bar."
MA: "Fine, I'll come down. But I'm not putting on any pants or combing my hair."
PLP: "Forget it. (shoots photo) We're done here."
MA: "But you promised me a candy bar!"
Name: Zane Smith
Team: Atlanta Braves
Value of card: Even trade for a cassette tape of the "Top Gun" soundtrack
Key 1986 stat: 17 ladies seduced with this look
Top 10 side gigs for Zane Smith:
10) Swamp gator wrestler
9) Comb tester
8) Totally tubular cool dude
7) Staring contest participant
6) Backup country singer
5) Vidal Sassoon pitchman
4) Racist logo apologist
3) "Melrose Place" extra
2) Mesh model
1) Common baseball card subject
Name: Tom Dempsey
Team: New Orleans Saints
Value of card: Even trade for a dirt sandwich
Key 1974 stat: 219 kicks (in the pants)
Some of the records held by Tom Dempsey:
- Most cheeseburgers eaten in a quarter
- Volume of handlebar mustache in a game
- Number of women and children frightened in a season
- Least number of toes vs. most field goals in a career
- Most members of a biker gang mistaken for in a life
Name: Edgar Diaz
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Value of card: 2 gum balls (chewed)
Key 1990 stat: 162 games spent daydreaming in the dugout
Let's see what Edgar Diaz stands for:
Eyes were covered by a vending machine purchase
Dollar shades, $5 haircut
Glasses blocked out the sun — and the ridicule of the masses
Arrived at the decision to gaze at the clouds when he couldn't look himself in the mirror
Radical look? Not so much
Didn't realize he was soon to be nominated for "Coolest Dude on the Brewers"
Incidentally, he stole these shades from a 6-year-old
Awful look in 1991, but a stylish hipster in 2014
Zero chance his teammates let him live down this card
Name: Randy Velarde
Team: New York Yankees
Value of card: Bend over and we'll show ya
Key 1988 stat: 27 times accosted by second baseman Willie Randolph
It's time for yet another homoerotic pop quiz:
What in the living hell is going on here?
(A) Teammate Wille Randolph is playing Tickle Monster.
(B) It's what the announcer called the "really, really exaggerated shift."
(C) Love. Sweet, sweet love.
(D) This is how the Yankees pick "Season's Best Bulge."
(E) All of the above.
Name: John Elway
Team: Oneonta Yankees
Value of card: It's not a mile high
Key 1998 stat: 10 interceptions
New York Yankees' scouting report on minor-league prospect John Elway: "I've seen a lot of pros, and this kid will never be a pro at anything. ... Looks kind of like a horse. Maybe he should play for the Broncos (laughter fills room). ... He's got a good bat but he really needs to work on that arm. ... He's got a face that would look better with a helmet over it. ... Judging solely from this painting of him, he might have a career as a Diamond King. ... I'd bet my salary we never hear about this Elway kid again."
Name: Ted Power
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Value of card: One blown 40-amp fuse
Key 1990 stat: 160 electrical cables taped to walls
Here's what Ted Power stands for:
That mustache is pretty powerful, all right
Despite surname, arm wasn't all that strong
Pittsburgh's most eligible bachelor
Once starred in his own choose-your-own-adventure book
Wears that curly mullet like no one's business
Eyes firmly planted on that tiny ball headed right for him
Really taking his time signing that autograph
Name: Marty Schottenheimer
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Head coach
Value of card: 4 strands of wool
Key 1990 stat: 4 "Tecmo Bowl" plays used in a game
Some fashion tips from coach Marty Schottenheimer:
- "Your sweater should have at least five sections; but six or more is preferred."
- "Whenever you can put a logo on your slacks, do it. Ladies love logos."
- "When you get a new hat, don't adjust it. In fact, don't even look at it. Just put it on your head."
- "There's nothing wrong with feminine cuffs."
- "Have your great-aunt sew you a sweater when you have to look your best."
- "Wool is the perfect fabric for special occasions."
Name: John Castino
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Third base
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1980 stat: 14 times mistaken for a sickly Arnold Schwarzenegger
It's time for The Caption, which we're pretty sure never ran in the St. Paul Pioneer Press in 1981: "John Castino, above, pretends to be in his batting stance despite being turned the wrong way on the field before a game in Chicago against the White Sox during which his duck face pose frightened 11 children in the stands and sent seven of his teammates into uncontrollable fits of laughter on Tuesday."
Names: Norm Snead, Earl Morrall
Teams: New York Giants, Miami Dolphins
Value of card: Zero rushing yards, combined
Key 1972 stat: Zero logos
It's time for a pass-happy edition of The Matchup:
Round 1: Movie star bangs (Winner: Snead)
Round 2: Military flat top (Winner: Morrall)
Round 3: Dentist-friendly teeth (Winner: Snead)
Round 4: Johnny Unitas look-alike (Winner: Morrall)
Round 5: Desire to represent team (Winner: Tie, neither)
Round 6: Four-letter first name that could be the same as your grandfather's (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Crayola-drawn jersey (Winner: Morrall)
Score: Morrall 3, Snead 2, Ties 2
Synopsis: When two top passers get matched up, the contest is sure to be tight. Luckily for Morrall, a 4-year-old with a crayon helped push him over the edge to victory.
Name: Jim Wohlford
Team: San Francisco Giants
Value of card: A giant pile of dog crap
Key 1980 stat: 206 bologna sandwiches eaten
Top 10 wrinkles on Jim Wohlford's face:
10) That laugh line on the left side of his face
9) The laugh line next to that one
8) The other laugh line next to that second one
7) That murder of crow's feet
6) The one over by his right ear
5) No, not that one, that one
4) The wrinkle that appears to actually be on his right ear
3) The ones that also seem to house his eyelids
2) All of the forehead ones covered by his bangs
1) That one running down the middle of the bridge of his nose. Weird.
Name: Greg Olson (No, not him. Or him.)
Team: Atlanta Braves
Value of card: A dirty camouflage snot rag
Key 1993 stat: Four flat tires
The Legend of Greg Olson: Let's face it, catchers are rarely known for being fleet of foot. Greg Olson was no exception. Balding, thick-legged and carrying a boiler that would have made Greg Luzinski proud, Olson was a rock behind the plate and a boulder on the basepaths. So it was that in 1993, Olson sweet-talked the league into a controversial exception: They let him "run" the bases on a four-wheel ATV. Olson still had to bat normally, standing in the box, his gut bulging over the edge of home plate, but when he made contact, he was allowed to hop on the quad (idling next to him during the at-bat) and motor to first. Predictably, opposing managers pitched a fit, but Olson kept on riding
Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com
Name: Rich Gedman
Team: Houston Astros
Value of card: Gum, scraped off your shoe
Key 1990 stat: Squinted even more than he squatted
Houston, we have a pop quiz: Who is Rich Gedman impersonating in the above photo?
(A) Dieter from "Sprockets"
(B) Someone who just had one of those bats jammed where the sun don't shine
(C) A mannequin
(D) A professional baseball player
(E) None of the above
Names: Rafael Palmerio, from left, Juan Gonzalez, Jose Canseco, Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: First base, left field, right field and catcher, respectively
Value of card: Four empty vials
Key 1992 stat: Blue belts for everybody!
Four Latin stars enter (sorry, Julio Franco), only one can win in this Matchup:
Round 1: Embarrassing lack of facial hair (Winner: Canseco)
Round 2: Embarrassing lack of mullet (Winner: Rodriguez)
Round 3: Fondness for wristbands (Winner: Canseco)
Round 4: Gently caressing another player's neck (Winner: Gonzalez)
Round 5: Smugness (Winner: Canseco)
Round 6: Crossing the streams (Winner: Tie between Palmeiro and Rodriguez)
Round 7: Biding his time before ratting out his teammates (Winner: Canseco)
Bonus round: More prescient advertising slogan on the billboards in the back (Winner: "The Formula of the Future")
Final score: Canseco 4, Rodriguez 1, Gonzalez 1, Palmeiro 0 (Ties: 1)
Synopsis: All of these guys were accused of playing dirty at some point, but it was Canseco who outmuscled the competition on his way to victory. His tell-all book about this Matchup should be coming out any day now.
Name: Michael Dean Perry
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Defensive line
Value of card: 6 bottles of Nair
Key 1990 stat: 7 wrestling matches with a Fridge
The shame returns: Yes, it's still baseball season, but preseason football is here, and that's all the reason we need to subject you to more Shameful Sunday Portraits. Get ready to cringe!
Conversation between Michael Dean Perry and a Pro Line photographer, circa August 1991:
Michael Dean Perry: "OK, OK. I know what I want to do."
Pro Line photographer: "Mr. Perry, please just put on your pads and go stand on the field."
MDP: "Nope, I have a better idea. Don't need these."
PLP: "Mr. Perry, please put your pants back on."
MDP: "No sir, I'm free as a bird. Just look at these legs."
PLP: "Those are very nice legs, Mr. Perry. But we have a photo shoot to conduct."
MDP: "I know, I know. Here's my idea: I go pantsless and hang from the goalpost."
PLP: "That's not going to work, Mr. Perry."
MDP: "OK, how about I go pantsless and sit on a tackling dummy."
PLP: "I'm sorry, but my editor will not be OK with that."
MDP: "How about this: I go pantsless and hang out in the stands."
PLP: "Well, you'll be hanging out regardless, I guess. Let's get this over with."
MDP: "Yayyy! Best photo shoot eva!"
Name: Mark McGwire
Team: St. Louis Cardinal
Position: First base
Value of card: Watch as its value disappears!
Key 1998 stat: Whole lotta homers, whole lotta supplements
- From that guy with all the backne at the gym
- At Jose Canseco's rummage sale
- From that big German dude who works at the GNC on Tuesdays
- Ask Sammy Sosa and A-Rod. They might know.
- Two words: Vic Conte
Name: Howard Twilley
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: An empty, unwashed can of tuna
Key 1973 stat: Two catches (not including the one on this card)
Howard Twilley's train of thought from 9:43 to 9:44 a.m., Aug. 4, 1973: "By the saints, what is this thing!? It looks like some sort of leathery dinosaur egg. Why did Griese throw it to me? I don't want to even look at this blasted object, let alone touch it. Oh heavens, it's causing all the veins in my right arm to swell to a grotesque size! Help me, Mother Mary, help me!"
Names: Pete Koegel, Mike Anderson, Wayne "W." Twitchell
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Catcher, outfielder, and pitcher, respectively
Value of card: A handful of sunflower seed shells, still moist
Key 1971 stat: Despite what the card says, not a lot of star power
These three rookies are headed for The Matchup:
Round 1: Wearing a hat with a baseball team's logo (Winner: Anderson)
Round 2: Posing for a photo in front of some desert foothills (Winner: Koegel)
Round 3: Only one of the group to ever make an all-star appearance (Winner: Twitchell)
Round 4: The eyes of a cybernetic organism (Winner: Koegel)
Round 5: The eyes of a shady drifter (Winner: Twitchell)
Round 6: Fashionably popped collar (Winner: Anderson)
Round 7: Cheekbones that we'd absolutely die for (Winner: Koegel)
Round 8: Surname that resembles the name of that exercise for lady parts (Winner: Koegel)
Final score: Koegel 4, Anderson 2, Twitchell 2
Synopsis: Despite having inhuman eyes and enough airbrush paint to make the editors of Vogue uneasy, Pete Koegel surged late for the win. Looks like all that squatting finally paid off.
Name: Dick Hyde
Team: Washington Senators
Value of card: A strip of rawhide
Key 1959 stat: Chin smooth as a baby's bottom
Today's oh-so-mature lineup: We know Dick Hyde was pitching for the Senators; here's who else was on the field.
C: Willie Cover
1B: Jimmy Vanish
2B: Theodore "Sneaky" Johnson
3B: Rod Shelter
SS: Peter Shroud
RF: Jebediah "Winky" Veil
CF: John Thomas Camouflage
LF: Horatio "Chubby" Shield
Card submitted by Douglas Corti
Name: Razor Shines
Team: Montreal Expos
Value of card: Tetanus
Key 1985 stat: .120 batting average
Not so shiny: Today we present to you Razor Shines, a man who lived life on the edge. He was a sharp dresser who wouldn't be caught dead in short sleeves, let alone cut-offs. Razor was also well-shorn, with a mustache that made the ladies swoon and sideburns so keen they were considered lethal weapons in 17 states and three Canadian provinces. But if there was one slice of life that held Razor back, it was baseball. No matter how hard he tried to hone his skills, he could never pierce the starting lineup. He was dull on the basepaths and his swing was rusty. He spent four years with the Expos, posting a slash line of .185/.239/.198, numbers that hacked off his coach. So it was that in 1987, the inevitable happened: Razor was cut.
Name: Bruce Sutter
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Value of card: 36 saves (after coupons cut for his local Kroger's)
Key 1982 stat: 1,981,427 hairs on face and head
Top 10 nicknames for Bruce Sutter's beard:
10) Fuzz Monster
9) Chin Blanket
8) Cardinals' Nest
6) Rutherford B. Hayes
5) Face 'Fro
4) The Barber-arian
3) Grizzlier Adams
2) The Lumberjack's Lumberjack
Name: Rod Woodson
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Value of card: One wooden rod, jammed someplace unpleasant
Key 1994 stat: Used all of the tape on his fingers. All of it.
A literal interpretation of this gridiron masterpiece: Rod Woodson and his gigantic bulge run back an interception under a 5-mile-high bridge while hurdling a series of miniature goalposts planted in a series of parallel parking spots as floodwater from a far-off electrical storm threatens the surrounding barren landscape.
Name: Marshall Faulk
Team: Indianapolis Colts
Position: Running back
Value of card: Who gives a Faulk?
Key 1994 stat: Almost died 372 times
Here's a drug test anyone can pass: What's the most dangerous thing Marshall Faulk is trying to elude in the above card?
(A) The fire snake that appears to have taken off his lower left leg
(B) The crazed Indy car driver who's trying to run him down
(C) The poisonous gas cloud that's rolling in behind the car
(D) The shards of glass that are falling from the sky
(E) The tripped-out artist who has put him in this situation to begin with
Name: Troy Aikman
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Value of card: Saddle sores
Key 1994 stat: Never removed his helmet
Ten confusing things about this Troy Aikman card:
10) It's daytime on the left, but nighttime on the right, making him some sort of time lord.
9) He's wearing a saddle blanket as a toga.
8) Rather than burning his blanket-toga, the fire at his feet is turning into delicious weightless liquid cheese.
7) He's not eating the delicious floating cheese.
6) His throne has to be the least comfortable seat in the West.
5) Those little cowboy statues have giant footballs for hands.
4) It's unclear whether his helmet is translucent or just really well polished.
3) It looks like he's been using his sparkly rings to reflect sunlight and tan his face a deep, leathery brown.
2) His kingdom's flag appears to be in Packers colors.
1) It's unclear whether he brought enough peyote to share with the rest of us.