Brett Favre, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 4)

Name: Brett Favre
Team: Green Bay Packers
Positions: Quarterback, knight
Value of card: 2 bags of the finest spice (spoiled)
Key 1993 stat: 41 dinners at Medieval Times
Possible names for Brett Favre had he been a knight in the middle ages:
  • Sir Brett Plumehead
  • Lord Favre of Lambeau
  • Knight of the Green-and-Gold
  • Grey Beard, Protector of the Cheeseheads
  • Brett the Unshaven, First of His Name
  • Prince Packer of House Bulge



Drew Bledsoe, 1995 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 3)

Names: Drew Bledsoe, Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor
Teams: New England Patriots, 13 colonies
Positions: Quarterback, infantry
Value of card: 1 Massachusetts pound (no longer in circulation)
Key 1994 stat: Zero times sacked when protected by a guy with a gun
It's time for a revolutionary edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Awesomeness of hat (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 2: Intricacy of uniform (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 3: Manly look on face (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 4: Height (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 5: Courage (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 6: Ability to shoot you in the face (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 7: Ability to shoot dirty Redcoats in the face (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)

Score: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor 7, Drew Bledsoe zero

Synopsis: It was never much of a contest, and who can blame Bledsoe or the judges? The nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor has a big gun and looks like he's ready to squeeze the trigger until it goes "pop ... pop."


Rick Mirer, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 2)

Name: Rick Mirer
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 2 ounces of seabird excrement
Key 1993 stat: 3 gallons of seawater drank
A stoner explains what's going on with this card: "Dude, pass that, man. Oh, sorry, man. Yeah, yeah. I was just about to start. Yeah. I got it, bro. Jeez. So, you're, like, looking at this guy, Rick Mir-ir-er or something. How do you say his name? Miiii-rer. Miiii-rer. Dude, if you say it slow it's hilarious. So this guy is playing football in the ocean, and his pants are all wet. ... Pass that, man. ... Dude, oh my god, man, my pants are wet, too. Did you spill that bong water on me? Oh, dude, it stinks! Bro, I'm going to barf. Hold on, pass that. ... OK, so this dude is taking a bath with a bird or something and he's looking at me and is all like, 'Hey, dude, why you looking at me take a bath with a bird, bro? That's not cool.' And he's right, man. That's not cool. Those wings are pretty cool. Dude! Great idea. Let's get some hot wings, man!"


Ken Norton, 1995 Fleer Illustration Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 1)

Name: Ken Norton
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: All the paper-and-ink gems on those paper-and-ink rings
Key 1994 stat: Zero rings worn during games
Welcome to Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week: We really hit the ball out of the park (cough, cough) last year with Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week, so, with football just around the corner, we wanted to take the drug-fueled fun to the gridiron, too. Pack those bowls and grab some buds, we're supplying you with seven days of illustrated football posts only a stoner can appreciate.
Sleep tight, Kenny: Ken Norton was deep in the depths of a dream when he imagined himself dancing among the clouds, muscles flexed, as glittering rings rained down from the heavens. Oh, it was a glorious dream. And this was the song playing:

It's raining rings! Hallelujah!
It's raining rings! Amen!
Ken's gonna go out to run and let myself get
Absolutely soaking wet!
It's raining rings! Hallelujah!
It's raining rings! Ammmmmmeeennnnn!


Duane Kuiper, 1979 Topps

Name: Duane Kuiper
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Second base
Value of card: As many cents as home runs hit in Kuiper's career
Key 1978 stat: Zero home runs
It's time for a homerless pop quiz:

How many home runs did 12-year veteran Duane Kuiper hit in his career?

(A) 1
(B) 6,543 - 6,542
(C) The same amount as the number of C's on his cap
(D) Uno
(E) All of the above


Bob Jones, 1986 Topps

Name: Bob Jones
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Outfield, first base
Value of card: Deep in the heart of Texas, it's still worthless
Key 1985 stat: 741 times mistaken for one of the other 1,851,091 Bob Joneses
Here's what Bob Jones stands for:

Blacked out, but only because of his shades
Often said to have his head in the clouds
Background looks like a John Denver song

"Jake and the Fatman" was his favorite show
Only rocked American-themed cummerbunds
Neck seems to have a face on it
Exactly the type of player you want playing OF-1B
Sauntered around town in this pose

Card submitted by Sean Griffin


Charley Taylor and Fred Biletnikoff, 1975 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 204)

Names: Charley Taylor, Fred Biletnikoff
Teams: Washington Redskins, Oakland Raiders
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 6 pigeon feathers covered in bird poop
Key 1974 stat: 2 alien-looking football helmets on this card
It's time for an All-Pro edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Mustache that's like the road most traveled (Winner: Taylor)
Round 2: Name that sounds like it could be a Soviet rifle (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 3: Always-looking-up attitude (Winner: Taylor)
Round 4: Always-looking-ready-to-kill attitude (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 5: Perfectly coiffed 'fro (Winner: Taylor)
Round 6: Comb-over mullet combination of lore (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 7: Dude you wouldn't want to see lurking in the shadows (Winner: Biletnikoff)

Score: Biletnikoff 4, Taylor 3

Synopsis: In a close contest between two All-Pros, the Hall of Famer with the dead eyes proves a guy with hippie hair can still be a winner.


Kent Hrbek, 1989 Topps Mini

Name: Kent Hrbek
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: First base
Value of card: Like the card, mini-mal
Key 1988 stat: 1 missing E in last name
Kent Hrbek's train of thought from 4:16 to 4:17 p.m. July 21, 1988: "Hmm ... what am I doing here? ... Hmm ... Oh, that's right, I'm here to play baseball. ... Baaaasssseeebaaallllll ... Man, this helmet doesn't fit right. ... It's so small. ... In fact, this whole environment seems small. ... Whoa. ... It's like I've shrunk. ... What is happening around me? ... Where ... am ... I? ... It's as if I've become ... mini. ... I'm mini. ... Damn you, Topps! ... Damn you!"



Shon Ashley, 1988 California League All-Stars

Name: Shon Ashley
Team: Stockton (Calif.) Ports
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2 NewPorts
Key 1987 stat: 7 days spent in Stockton 1 night
Seattle Mariners' scouting report on minor-league prospect Shon Ashley: "Five-tool player. Of course, one of those tools is a hammer and another is a wrench. ... Minor-league 'stache, big-league arm hair. ... Tough to evaluate anyone in a uniform like that. ... Decent argument to bring him up just to get the poor guy out of Stockton. ... Could distract the pitcher if he actually bats like this. ... Not sure we want anyone on our team who spells 'Shon' like that."

Card submitted by Zach Jones


Dave Stewart, 1982 Donruss

Name: Dave Stewart
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Whatever Stew says
Key 1981 stat: 451 people intimidated
It's time for a serious pop quiz:

Would you mess with Stew?

(A) No.
(B) Hell no.
(C) Absolutely not.
(D) For the love of god, no.
(E) (runs away)
(F) All of the above


Luis Aquino, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Luis Aquino
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1/22,100 of the cost of those gold chains
Key 1990 stat: 18 pounds of jewelry
Some things you might not know about Luis Aquino:
  • His mustache was so razor-sharp he used it to shave off his sideburns.
  • His mullet alone qualified him to be a ranchera singer.
  • In this photo, he was staring down Mr. T in a chain-intimidation attempt.
  • He had as many holes in his cheek as he did in his jersey.
  • He went on the 15-day disabled list with neck fatigue.



Tommy John, 1982 Topps

Name: Tommy John
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's value is fuzzy
Key 1981 stat: Zero revolutionary surgeries
Photos so crisp, it's like you're at the ballpark: Above we see another fine example of that world-renowned Topps quality in the 1980s. But the blurry, washed-out picture on this card had to beat out a handful of other options, one would think      they were probably as follows:
  • A blurry photo of Tommy John's windup from the back side
  • A blurry photo of Tommy John standing in the dugout
  • A blurry photo of Tommy John picking his nose
  • A blurry photo of Tommy John's UCL scar
  • A blurry photo of some guy named John Thomas
  • A perfectly clear photo of Reggie Jackson with Tommy John in the background



Pete Vuckovich, 1984 Topps

Name: Pete Vuckovich
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher, swamp cooler repairman
Value of card: One copy of "Major League" on VHS (with no VCR to play it)
Key 1983 stat: Enough hair to clothe a third-world country
The joke's on us: Dear readers (yes, all eight of you), we owe you an apology. It has come to our attention that early in our run of mediocrity, we passed on to you some bad information. You see, Pete Vuckovich here was featured on the second card we ever posted on this site, and the story that accompanied it, it turns out, was blatantly false. Pete was never a swamp cooler repairman; in fact, his major league career lasted 11 season and he even won the Cy Young! That'll teach us to believe everything we hear from Bob Uecker.


Conrad Dobler, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 203)

Name: Conrad Dobler
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Guard
Value of card: The same as if this card was ripped into tiny pieces
Key 1977 stat: Hair on only three-quarters of scalp
Conrad Dobler's musical train of thought from 9:45 to 9:47 a.m., Oct. 23, 1977: "Mister Trouble never hangs around when he hears this mighty sound: 'Here I come to save the day!' That means that Mighty Conrad's on his way. Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right, Mighty Conrad will join the fight. On the sea or on the land, he gets the situation well in hand. We're not worryin' at all. We're just listenin' for his call. 'Here I come to save the day!' That means that Mighty Conrad's on his way."


Bob Kipper, 1986 Topps

Name: Bob Kipper
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: As much garbage as you can fit in that hat
Key 1985 stat: 365 kips (British slang for naps)
Conversation between a Topps photographer and Bob Kipper during spring training in 1986:
Topps photog: "Hi Bob, we're gonna take some photos      um, you don't have to do the one-knee pose if you don't want to, you know."
Bob Kipper: "Huh? Oh, hey, man. You got any chips? And dip?"
TP: "Hmm, no. I was just going to take your picture. Do you want to stand up?"
BK: "No, man, I'm good. Standing's just so strenuous, you know? It's much cooler staying close to the ground. With the Earth."
TP: "Well, I guess that'll work. Can you open your eyes a little more, though?"
BK: "My eyes are open, man. Wide open. I can see everything, you know?"
TP: "Oh yes, and I can see what you've been up to, for sure. But before a baseball game? That's so nuts."
BK: "Doughnuts? I love doughnuts! Can I have one, man?"
TP: "Um, sure." (Hands Kipper a batting doughnut) "Chew on that for a little while."


Greg Maddux, 1995 Fleer Pro Vision

Name: Greg Maddux
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Ace
Value of card: Paint on your carpet
Key 1994 stat: One foot much smaller than the other, apparently
Here's a literal interpretation of the above masterpiece: A sullen and stranded Greg Maddux waits for rescue while sitting atop a giant dirt clod rising from the ocean at the very edge of the earth. Too depressed to feed himself by trying to grab the fish jumping just inches away from him, Maddux is unaware that he is about to be pummeled by a hailstorm of baseballs as two ships shaped like gigantic Cy Young trophies sail right past him.


Gary Pettis, 1985 Topps

Name: "Gary Pettis"
Team: California Angels
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 14 plucked nose hairs
Key 1984 stat: One stand-in at the photo shoot
It's time for an angelic pop quiz:

What's "Gary Pettis" pointing at?

(A) His sixth-grade classmate.
(B) A handful of teammates making fun of this pose.
(C) Someone else with freakishly huge hands.
(D) He's not pointing; he's using the wrong finger to signal his dissatisfaction with this card.
(E) All of the above.


Mike Griffin, 1981 Fleer

Name: Mike Griffin
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: So little, those creases don't decrease the value
Key 1980 stat: Hold on, we're still looking ... looking ... looking ...
This card is so bad, it's time for a rant: Excellent work, Fleer. Once again, you fine folks have outdone yourselves. What a photo choice. So much action. Mike Griffin just jumps off the cardboard and into our living rooms. Few things in sports are more exciting than a pitcher hanging out in the dugout watching a game. Riveting stuff. And don't worry about getting a shot of this guy in his real uniform. Collectors everywhere prefer shots of guys that make them look like they're on a beer league softball team. We must give you kudos, however, for choosing to keep the random flannel guy in the crop. Totally necessary. Well, at least this card has one redeeming quality: Griffin looks a lot like Larry Bird.


Yogi Berra (Astros Leaders), 1987 Topps

Name: Yogi Berra
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Bench coach
Value of card: "Ninety percent of the value is half of nothing," Berra said.
Key 1986 stat: 1 bench coach featured on a baseball card (all time)
Some of the leading Yogiisms that Berra used when helping coach the Astros in 1986:
  • "You could observe a lot by watching this group. Well, maybe not."
  • "It ain't over till it's over, unless we're talking about our World Series chances, which are over."
  • "Watching this team lose is deja vu all over again."
  • "Nobody comes to the Astrodome anymore. It's too crowded."
  • "This team is a bunch of overwhelming underdogs. Make that underwhelming overdogs."
  • "They made too many wrong mistakes."



Sean Berry, 1990 ProCards

Name: Sean Berry
Team: Memphis Chicks
Position: Third base
Value of card: One berry, eaten by a baby chicken and then crapped out
Key 1989 stat: Was a Chick
Well, well, another winner: Oh, just fantastic work here, ProCards. We won't even worry about your card design, with the giant block of red not even half-filled with that text that looks like it was stamped on. What the crap is this photo? Did your photographer half-ass it because he was disappointed that the Memphis Chicks were not, in fact a women's baseball team? Or did this consummate professional intentionally have everyone pose so that their faces would be buried in shadow? Whatever the case, one thing is for certain: this whole card was triple-A-ball, indeed.


Don Shula, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 202)

Name: Don Shula
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Coach
Value of card: A pound of neon chalk dust
Key 1990 stat: Mentioned 2,497 times that the '72 Dolphins went undefeated
It's a Football Friday edition of The Caption, which might have appeared in the Miami Herald circa 1990: "Dolphins head coach Don Shula attempts to laugh off being ditched by a group of his players at a Latin nightclub late Friday night in downtown Miami. Shula sat quietly in a corner for two hours, his smile eventually turning to tears, before Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino showed up, carried Shula out of the club in his arms and placed him in the passenger seat of his car."


Biff Pocoroba, 1981 Fleer

Name: Biff Pocoroba
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 11 wispy hairs from that mustache
Key 1980 stat: 22 times said, "We're in Hotlanta," when it was warm outside
Well-earned induction: We here at The Bust would like to welcome Biff Pocoroba to the Name Hall of Fame. Biff joins an exclusive group, which includes the great Rowland Office, the renowned Charles Assmann, the legendary Dick Pole and, of course, Rusty Kuntz. Biff's name doesn't convey sexual innuendo or sound like a law firm, but it is one of the funnest names in the world to say out loud and references the best character in the "Back to the Future" series. (Isn't that right, butthead?) In Spanish, his surname loosely translates to "little steals," which is pretty awesome for a catcher. And, let's be honest, anyone who lets everyone call him "Biff" has earned his spot in the Name Hall of Fame.


John Kruk, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice Checklist

Name: John Kruk
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: First base
Value of card: The paint it took to make that earring
Key 1993 stat: Three colors of hair
Let's check out what's on John Kruk's checklist:
  • Wear an octopus under the hat (check)
  • Look suspiciously like a feudal Japan-era samurai (check)
  • Misapply sunscreen, resulting in four colors of skin (check)
  • Resemble the Wolverine, albeit with an extra chin (check)
  • Appear on a baseball card that's a true work of art (no check here)
Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp



Vance Law, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Vance Law
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Third base
Value of card: Nothing; it's the Law
Key 1989 stat: 232 hours spent shagging
Top 10 things Vance Law was thinking at this moment:
10) "But I don't even know how to juggle."
9) "One, two, three ... uh, start over. One, two ... uh. One, two ..."
8) "I am Edward Ballhands."
7) "I should have grabbed a bat before I walked to the plate."
6) "This is the most impressive thing a Cubs player has done in three years."
5) "Don't mock me. I am the Law!"
4) "Careful, careful. We don't want these to hatch."
3) "I have four balls. Does that mean I get a walk?"
2) "What ... the ... hell ... are ... these ... things?"
1) "I have balls in my hands. Huh-huh."


Oscar Azocar, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Oscar Azocar
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two awkward hugs
Key 1992 stat: 16 times caught embracing his bat in the dugout
Oscar Azocar loved his bat despite despite a .226 career batting average; some other Azocar contradictions:
  • He loved his barber despite his mini-fro cut.
  • He hated "Magnum P.I." despite his mustache.
  • He loved being on baseball cards despite the one above.
  • He hated "Sesame Street" despite his first name.
  • He loved women despite this card's implications.
  • He hated Julio Franco despite ripping off his pose.



Jerry Koosman, 1981 Donruss

Name: Jerry Koosman
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1980 stat: 14 fans blinded by Koosman's baby-blue uniform
It's time for a Twin Cities edition of The Caption, which absolutely did not appear in the St. Paul Pioneer Press in the early 1980s: "Jerry Koosman, center, of the Minnesota Twins stands motionless for the third of five hours while frightening dozens of fans who dare cross the path of his evil devil stare before a game — which he wouldn't play in mainly because of his age but also because his manager held a grudge after Koosman once told him he got his last name when he was dating the manager's daughter —  at Metropolitan Stadium against the Detroit Tigers when it was 22 degrees Fahrenheit with a wind chill of 11 on Tuesday in Minneapolis."


Dick Davis, 1981 Fleer

Name: Dick Davis
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The foam from a blown keg of Keystone Light
Key 1980 stat: Made 48 tacky jokes involving his initials and a bra cup size
Here's what Dick Davis stands for:

Didn't get on the field very often...
Instead you could most often find him staring longingly, standing on the dugout steps
Correct, his eyebrows are indeed a mirror image of his mustache
Killer afro on that lady in the front row

Don't think we've ever seen a man make an elastic waistband look so good
After Milwaukee gave up on him, he played for three teams in 1982
Vacant gaze was his calling card...
It certainly wasn't his baseball talent
Sleeves were longer than his playing career


Roy Gerela and David Ray, 1974 Topps NFL Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 201)

Names: Roy Gerela, David Ray
Teams: Pittsburgh Steelers, Los Angeles Rams
Positions: Kickers
Value of card: Either 2 ounces of steel or 2 ounces of ram dung
Key 1973 stat: 432,101 practice kicks when other players were playing football
It's time for an edition of The Matchup that's a kick:

Round 1: Eyes the ladies could swim in (Winner: Gerela)
Round 2: Mullet that could stop bullets (Winner: Ray)
Round 3: Chin that appears to have been broken a few times (Winner: Gerala)
Round 4: A part that needed a rake instead of a comb (Winner: Ray)
Round 5: Bangs that were bangin' (Winner: Gerela)
Round 6: Look of a serial killer (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Played in a city that still has a professional football team (Winner: Gerela)

Score: Gerela 4, Ray 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: In a battle of placekickers, Roy Gerela took first place and proved that he knew how to score.


Tim Stoddard, 1985 Topps

Name: Tim Stoddard
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Depressingly little
Key 1984 stat: Way too excited about playing for the Cubs
What's your favorite color, Tim? The year was 1984, and Tim Stoddard was a man on the move. After helping the Orioles win cheering from the bullpen as the Orioles won the 1983 World Series, Stoddard was twice traded      first to the A's and then to the Chicago Cubs. Rather than being upset about his career upheaval, Stoddard got excited      maybe a little too excited. To show his enthusiasm about being a Cub, Stoddard decided everything about him needed to be blue. He dyed his beard blue, as seen above. He repeatedly tried to wear jeans on the pitching mound. He painted his fingernails. Cubs manager Jim Frey put up with Stoddard's antics      that is, until Frey walked in on Stoddard pulling a Jason Biggs prequel with a warm blueberry pie in the locker room (purely for cosmetic purposes, of course). Stoddard joined the San Diego Padres in 1985.


Alex Rodriguez, 1998 Pinnacle Plus Lasting Memories

Name: Alex Rodriguez
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Your worst childhood memory
Key 1997 stat: Yet to be called "Pay-Rod" or "A-Roid"
Misty, water-colored memories: A-Rod sure has provided baseball fans with a lot of memories over the years. Here are a few, most of which we didn't make up:
  • That time he single-handedly broke the baseball salary structure
  • That time he hit that home run off that guy
  • That time when his lips were purple
  • That time he and Cameron Diaz grossed everyone out with popcorn
  • That time he got a shot in the behind from Anthony Bosch
  • That time he nibbled on a fan's ear
  • That time he and Bud Selig decided whether his suspension would be upheld by wrestling barechested in oil



Steve Avery, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Steve Avery
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A good amount of cringing
Key career stat: Remembered as "the other guy" from those early-'90s Braves staffs
Let's check off what's going on with this team checklist:
  • Just throwing that whole racial aspect right out there for everyone to see: Check
  • One arm apparently growing out of Steve Avery's back: Check
  • Enough straining of muscles and veins to scar a child for life: Check
Yep, three for three. Excellent work, Upper Deck!

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg