Name: Ken Phelps
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: 3 ounces of Seattle rainwater
Key 1986 stat: 9 inches of mustache
It's time for yet another pop quiz:
Why is Ken Phelps so happy?
(A) It's Pocket Protector Night at the Kingdome.
(B) He just won first place in the Best Lip Foliage of Seattle contest.
(C) He's penciled in as the designated hitter, allowing him to do math equations for most of the game.
(D) He always gets a kick out of wearing his Groucho glasses.
(E) All of the above.
Name: Hal Morris
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: First base
Value of card: It's worth more if you burn it
Key 1994 stat: 11 mediocre sports writers who nicknamed him "Hal 9000"
Some things you might not know about Hal Morris that his card explains:
- Turtlenecks made him so hot, it would catch his face on fire.
- He had a a red mustache.
- He was a member of the Fantastic 4.
- He took playing for the Reds quite literally.
- He had an eyebrow that tried to escape.
Name: Don Sutton
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Value of card: We'll trade you this card for two of this card, because, hey, it doesn't really matter
Key 1984 stat: 19 wrinkles drawn
Let's see what Don Sutton stands for:
Dude rocks rough and stuff with his afro puffs.
Oscar Gamble would be proud.
Never met a curling iron he didn't use.
Suspicions of HGH (hair growth hormone) were rampant.
Under that hat, more curls!
Tiny Sutton seems to have a weight problem that Big Sutton doesn't have.
That poor Tiny Sutton is getting swallowed in the 'fro puff.
Only player to keep spare baseballs under his hair.
Never underestimate the illustrated bulge.
Name: Eric Davis
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Value of card: A (Diamond) King's randsom (sooo, nothing)
Key 1986 stat: 67 yards rushing
Please calm down, Mr. Davis: Man, Eric Davis is heated. Look at the guy. He's ready to jump through the card and rip off your face. But you're not to blame. He's upset with the esteemed Dick Perez, the artist behind hundreds of Diamond Kings, including this one. You have to understand, Mr. Davis doesn't like the insinuation that he plays tennis, checkers or "Tron," as the background of the card seems to imply. He doesn't like the misshapen stirrups on the misshapen legs of his miniature self. And he definitely doesn't like being portrayed as an angry guy. That makes him friggin' furious. Grrrr.
Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Value of card: A Burger King french fry that has fallen on the ground
Key 1989 stat: One crowning achievement
Bow down before the one you serve: In 1990, Donruss granted Nolan Ryan what is truly the greatest honor in baseball history: Donruss King of Kings. (Not to worry
- King Nolan the Broken-Nosed
- King Nolan of Two Chins
- King Nolan the Slightly Wall-Eyed
- King Nolan the Rosy-Cheeked
- King Mole-an
Name: Bruce Sutter
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Value of card: Three dirty cardinal feathers
Key 1983 stat: Face was never cold
A pop quiz of the artist as a young man: What gave Dick Perez the most trouble while creating this Diamond King?
A) Procuring enough brown paint to do Bruce Sutter's beard justice
B) Getting the homeless man painted in this picture to stand still
C) Tilting the "SL" logo on the hat at just the wrong angle
D) Learning how to draw a person's butt, apparently
E) All of the above
Name: Ozzie Guillen
Team: Chicago White Sox
Value of card: Two blue squares
Key 1989 stat: No curse-laden rants in front of the media
Ozzie Guillen's reaction after seeing this Diamond King for the first time: "What is this? What the (expletive) is this? Is this a (expletive) joke? Look at this piece of (expletive)! Is that suppose to be my face? Does this mother(expletive) artist think I had a (expletive) stroke, or did he make one half of my beautiful face sag for no good (expletive) reason? You got to be (expletive) kiddin' me! And what is that stupid (expletive) background? I could draw something (expletive) better than that (expletive) by eating a box of (expletive) crayons and (expletive) them out of my (expletive) on a blank (expletive) canvas! Those colors make me want to (expletive) puke all over the (expletive) floor. What is that (expletive) blue thing supposed to be? Part of the (expletive) state of Kentucky? A (expletive) tear in the space-time (expletive) continuum? No (expletive) way. No chance. Who would buy this (expletive) (expletive)? (Expletive)."
Name: Lloyd Moseby
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Value of card: $5 off your next anger management therapy session
Key 1986 stat: Leered at 72 different artists
Too bad, so sad: Look, we get it. Yes, we've posted so many atrocious, god-awful, dreadful, horrendous, and disturbing Donruss Diamond Kings that we had to apologize for it. But you know what, all six of you constant readers? We could never be as sorry as these baseball illustrations. So, too bad, here comes another week of the worst Dick Perez has to offer.
Diamond King divination: In many ways, this is a typical Donruss Diamond King. Here we have Lloyd Moseby, an above average, if unspectacular, baseball player. The painted backdrop of the card has absolutely nothing to do with the sport, instead featuring a solid block of magenta, on the right, that is apparently being refracted by Moseby's head into every color known to man, on the left. There are the requisite two versions of Moseby here, of course
Name: Manny Sanguillen
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Value of card: A plastic necklace with the number 35 on it
Key 1980 stat: Wore a helmet at all times
Catch this pop quiz: What's Manny "Sangy" Sanguillen doing in the above photo?
(A) Laughing at how much yellow Lee Lacy was wearing, before realizing he'd have to wear the same thing
(B) Yelling at the Topps photographer not to highlight his gaptooth
(C) Yawning after spending another night sleeping in the clubhouse
(D) Singing "Do That to Me One More Time" by The Captain and Tennille
(E) Preparing to catch a ball with his teeth
Name: Ozzie Smith
Team: San Diego Padres
Value of card: 11 banana peels
Key 1980 stat: 820 days before being traded for Garry Templeton (nice, Padres, nice)
Ozzie Smith was known as "The Wizard" for making magical plays; here are some of his best:
- He dove for a ground ball into the hole, popped up, made the throw to first and realized the infield dirt had turned his uniform the colors of throw-up.
- He sprung into the air to snag a line drive, propelled upward by his magnificent afro.
- He caught a ball that careened off his face, stylishly shaping his sideburns.
- He somehow, beyond all expectations, kept that hat on his head without once falling off for a full game.
- He orchestrated a trade to the Cardinals and won a World Series and made the Hall of Fame.
Name: Ray Nitschke
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Middle linebacker
Value of card: Twice as much because of that awesome animated player in the left-hand corner
Key 1970 stat: 87 clocks cleaned
Marking the occasion: This is the 200th Football Friday here at the Bust, so we wanted to bring you a card of a classic football player. We won't be poking fun at Mr. Nitschke, mainly because we think he could still beat us to a bloody pulp from beyond the grave. He was the prototypical middle linebacker, a guy who hit so hard he practically invented the concussion. He wasn't really bald; he shaved his head like that to guarantee no hair would act as padding and lessen a blow. He was a man's man and his toughness helped define the NFL. So let us just go ahead and apologize for featuring you, Mr. Nitschke, on a blog written by a couple of weaklings.
Names: Ben McDonald, Ace and Max
Teams: Baltimore Orioles, Baltimore Chocolate Labs
Positions: Pitcher, retrievers
Value of card: Two hearts cut in a bench
Key 1992 stat: Four bones buried in the backyard (each)
Not the sharpest tool in the shed: We here at the Bust love Ben McDonald, but he was definitely a little strange. Previously, we detailed the time he tried to talk to the president though a fake microphone. And while Ben could keep his jeans pleated like no one's business, he was certainly gullible, as evidenced by this card. He bought loose-fitting camouflage shirts, expecting to be invisible wherever he went. He purchased a whole litter of chocolate Labradors, expecting them to actually taste like chocolate. And when he found out Baltimore's team was actually called the "Orioles" instead of the "Oreos," he ripped out his uniform's stitching and downed a whole package of Double Stuffs. Hey, at least he didn't eat the dogs.
Name: Denny Martinez
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Value of card: 1 Grand Slam at Denny's
Key 1981 stat: 265 Grand Slams eaten at Denny's by Denny
Denny Martinez's autograph is a bit confusing; here's what it might say:
- Itsa Jesus Party
- Look, jeers patented
- Lardo Chorizo Pastrami
- Latin satin perfection
- Glorious hair helmet of love (in Spanish)
- El Dennis Presidente
Name: Rey Palacios
Team: Kansas City Royals
Value of card: A mouthful of paper
Key 1988 stat: One hit
If you don't know, you'd better ask somebody: What all is in Rey Palacios' mouth?
A) His catcher's mask
B) An entire rack of baby back ribs
C) A wad of chaw the size of Arrowhead Stadium
D) The unfortunate result of rookie hazing
E) All of the above
Card submitted by Douglas Corti
Name: Willie Stargell
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: First base
Value of card: Two of those ironed-on stars on his cap
Key 1980 stat: 16 inches of stirrups
It's time for The Caption, which most likely did not run in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette in the early 1980s: "Hall of Famer and Pittsburgh Pirates first baseman Willie Stargell (center) sinks under the weight of his massive flip-down sunglasses while wearing a bumblebee Halloween costume featuring a Little League cap, a YMCA-turned-Goodwill wristband and stirrups long enough to serve as a car's timing belt during a game against the Cubs in the laughably cold Windy City weather in April 1980 at Wrigley Field in Chicago on Tuesday or maybe Wednesday."
Name: Antonio (or just A.) Borges
Team: Braga, bro
Value of card: Impossible to determine something of such immense value
Key 1985-86 stat: 212 beauty contests won
Gaze upon it: Have you ever seen such handsomeness crammed into one man? We think not. Borges was more than a star international athlete. He was pure sex appeal. Thousands of women would kill for his hair, and many thousands more would kill for a night with him. His mustache would make Magnum P.I. crawl into the fetal position and cry for a razor. Each eyebrow could have been a lesser man's beard. Each face wrinkle told the tale of a hundred sultry nights in Monaco, Milan and all points in between. This was A. Borges: A. Lothario bathed in hair.
Name: Michael Jordan
Position: Honorary captain
Value of card: Air
Key 1992 stat: Zero minutes spent kicking anything
Michael Jordan is seen dunking a soccer ball; here are some other things he did with balls from other sports:
- Jordan kept a tube of tennis balls in his shorts.
- Jordan hit golf balls while dressed like an Australian hobo.
- Jordan spiked volleyballs from about 16 feet in the air.
- Jordan hit 3-pointers with bowling balls when he was in the zone.
- Jordan whiffed at baseballs.
Name: Alexi Lalas
Value of card: 2 ounces of ginger (the root)
Key 1993 stat: 4 pounds of ginger (the hair)
Top 10 Grateful Dead songs inspired by Alexi Lalas:
10) "(Ginger's) High Time"
9) "Touch Of
8) "Friend Of The Devil (And The Same Color)"
7) "Truckin' (To The Barber)"
6) "Eyes Of The World (Behind Those Shades)"
5) "(Really) Scarlet Begonias"
4) "Hell In A
1) "Fire (Crotch) on the Mountain"
Name: Reggie Jackson
Team: Team, um, USA?
Positions: Honorary captain (apparently), retired baseball player
Value of card: The month of October, torn from a 1993 calendar
Key 1993 stat: Twice tried to peel the gold off that trophy, thinking there was chocolate inside
No, really: We know what you're thinking. "What does Reggie Jackson have to do with soccer or the World Cup?" It didn't make sense at first to us, either, but there are some links:
- Reggie's incredibly round, balding head resembles a soccer ball.
- Reggie is wearing mom jeans, and some moms take their kids to soccer practice.
- He's wearing a T-shirt that has either a soccer ball or a snowman's head on it.
- In "The Naked Gun," he was programmed to kill the Queen of England, and the Brits sure do love their football.
Names: Chico Borja, from left, Dale Ervine, Victor Moreland, and Ron Fearon
Team: Wichita Wings
Positions: Midfielder, forward, defender, and goalkeeper, respectively
Value of card: Four pairs of sweaty short-shorts
Key 1990-91 stat: One all-star game that nobody attended
It's time to see who will get a leg up in this Matchup:
Round 1: Pastiest thighs (Winner: Moreland)
Round 2: Taking part in the leg show despite wearing pants (Winner: Fearon)
Round 3: Jackets that got zipped all the way up: (Winner: Three-way tie)
Round 4: Sexiest mustache (Winner: Borja)
Round 5: Sexiest mullet (Winner: Moreland)
Round 6: Shortest shorts (Winner: Ervine)
Round 7: First name repeated in surname (Winner: Fearon)
Round 8: Wearing a second pair of shorts so we don't accidentally see his ol' onion bag (Winner: Moreland)
Final score: Moreland 3, Fearon 2, Borja 1, Ervine 1 (Ties: 1)
Synopsis: This isn't Victor Moreland's first go-round on the Bust, and that experience paid off with a late victory. Some advice to the four of these guys, though: Never pose this way again.
Name: Jorge Campos
Value of card: Two diamonds (shapes, not jewels)
Key 1993 stat: Often ran around with his arms extended, making airplane noises
This one's worth three points: How did Jorge Campos stop opponents from scoring?
A) By dressing like a clown, causing them to laugh themselves silly
B) By dressing like a clown, causing them to flee in terror
C) By wearing a jersey 12 sizes too big that acted like its own net
D) By blinding everyone in the stadium
E) All of the above
Name: Mike Werner
Team: F.C. Hansa Rostock
Value of card: One ticket to a 1987 Whitesnake concert
Key 1991-92 stat: First-ballot Mullet Hall-of-Famer
Welcome to World Cup Week: Every four years, the world watches as the best footballers on the planet battle for national glory. Even Americans pretend to care, at least until the Yanks get knocked out during or shortly after the group stage. In honor of the 2014 World Cup, we hooligans at the Bust are pleased to celebrate as well with seven of the most atrocious pieces of soccer-related cardboard to grace the Internet, each one of them certain to earn us a red card. It's on!
Putting the "r-o-c-k" in Rostock: How legendary was German footballer Mike Werner's mullet? It was so legendary that Hansa started up 1-0 every match just because he was on the pitch. It was so legendary that it hosted its own Oktoberfest
Name: Andrew Ference
Team: Boston Bruins
Value of card: One thumb. Not a thumbs-up, just a thumb.
Key 2010-11 stat: One angry wife
Here's how Andrew Ference spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Andrew woke up around 8 a.m. and ate cereal out of the Stanley Cup. He then took the cup out to the garage so he could keep admiring it while getting his young daughter, Stella, ready to go for a bike ride. Just then, he received an email linking to a hilarious video of a cat playing a keyboard. While watching the video on his iPhone, Andrew absentmindedly buckled the cup, instead of his child, into the baby trailer, and then hit the road. Upon finding her daughter lying on the floor in the garage, Andrew's wife grew angry and called the authorities and a private investigator to track him down. Soon, Andrew was being pursued by several photographers in a taxi and a pudgy police officer, but instead of stopping, he just gave everyone a big thumbs-up. When he returned home, Andrew's wife gave him a different finger.
Name: Tim Thomas
Team: Boston Bruins
Value of card: One life vest made of lead
Key 2010-11 stat: Won a bunch of trophies or something
How Tim Thomas spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Tim woke up around 9 a.m. in a bathtub full of ice, missing a kidney, and with no memory of the past 36 hours. A note on the bathroom mirror read, "If you want to keep your other kidney, pay what you owe." Still woozy, Tim put on a T-shirt two sizes too small for him, rounded up the Stanley Cup, the Vezina Trophy and the Conn Smythe Trophy, and headed for his speedboat at the marina. Tim sped off for international waters, where he sold the trophies to a sketchy Ukrainian businessman named Yuri. He then hurried back home and paid what he owed
Name: Mark Recchi
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Right wing
Value of card: Two horse apples
Key 2010-11 stat: 17 failed attempts at teaching his horse how to ice skate
Here's how Mark Recchi spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Mark rose with the sun and headed down to the stables after donning traditional Western wear: a polo shirt, cargo shorts and aviator sunglasses. He then fed his favorite horse, Cupcake, oats from the cup. After a few minutes, he got jealous and began eating oats out of the cup, as well. Mark got Cupcake saddled and punished the horse for its insolence by riding it while carrying the 33-pound cup. Cupcake, never one to suffer fools, soon began bucking, throwing Mark and the cup to the ground. Mark and the cup were then taken to the hospital by ambulance, but both recovered quickly.
Name: Gregory Campbell
Team: Boston Bruins
Value of card: Six bags of dog doo-doo
Key 2010-11 stat: 13 times infested with fleas
Here's how Gregory Campbell spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Campbell woke up, chose his heaviest necklace, put on a shirt, took off his shirt, grabbed his shades and the Cup and headed to the dog park. Once there, he commandeered whatever dogs he saw and told their owners they could take photos of their pets with him and the Cup. After the police were called but before they showed up, a dog owner snapped this shot, which would later be used as evidence in the case of the shirtless creep barking up the wrong tree.
Name: Marc Savard
Team: Boston Bruins
Value of card: A busted remote control with no batteries
Key 2010-11 stat: Six straight weeks curled up on the couch
Here's how Marc Savard spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Savard woke up on the couch. He grabbed the Cup and sat back on the couch. His wife made him lunch and he ate it on the couch with the Cup. He watched some TV on the couch. He watched some more TV on the couch. His wife brought him a beer and he drank it on the couch. He fell asleep on the couch, curled up with the Cup. He ate a TV dinner on the couch. He fell asleep on the couch again. He snored on the couch. (Now that's how you spend a memorable day with the Cup.)
Name: Mike Richards
Team: Los Angeles Kings
Value of card: 12 ounces of fish guts
Key 2011-12 stat: 4,412 worms hooked
Here's how Mike Richards spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Richards woke up before the sun rose, put on the standard frat boy uniform and drove to the river, with the Cup riding shotgun. He loaded the trophy into his boat, the Puck Bunny, and steered toward his favorite fishing hole. He cast into the deep blue and pulled up a fish. Then another. And another. And another. At the end of the day, with a haul of 48 bass, he headed back to the pier, where he spent two hours cleaning his bounty, tossing the guts into the Cup. He packed up and headed home, dropping the Cup off with the NHL, fish guts included.
Name: Tuuka Rask
Team: Boston Bruins
Value of card: 16 ounces of warm water from this spa
Key 2010-11 stat: 2,196 hours spent in a hot tub, alone
Welcome to Return of Stanley Cup Week: It's that time of year, when most of Canada and a few people in the United States focus their attention on the last few teams battling to be crowned the kings of hockey. In celebration, we here at The Bust is bringing you seven days of athletes tougher than you doing ridiculous things with an old trophy. Enjoy, eh!
Here's how Tuuka Rask celebrated his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Rask woke up at the crack of noon, grabbed the Cup and walked, naked, to his hot tub. He emptied out the Jacuzzi and filled the Cup with Winner's Cup Vodka. One Cup-full after the next, Rusk poured the vodka into the tub. When the hot tub was full, Rask jumped in and turned on the jets. Three hours later, his skin resembled a prune and he had gotten drunk through osmosis. This photo was snapped soon after, as Rask yelled, "I love America! Jump in, the vodka's fine!"
Name: Dwight Evans
Team: Boston Red Sox
Value of card: One red sock, mixed in with a load of whites, staining your undershirts pick
Key 1978 stat: 107 drunken hugs from Red Sox fans
Some things you might not know about Dwight Evans:
- Batted .212 before mustache; batted .315 with mustache
- Nicknamed "Dewey" because he once lost to a pitcher named Truman
- Despite ridiculous rumors, was not married to Darrell Evans
- Was a Silver Slugger, Gold Glover and Bronzed Babe Magnet
- The pose above shows his exact batting stance