Kermit Alexander, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 190)

Name: Kermit Alexander
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: 
Key 1971 stat: Never actually ran like that on the field
Fun facts about Kermit Alexander and Kermit the Frog:
  • Kermit the Frog spends much of his day with someone's hand up his backside. Judging by this pose, it looks like Kermit Alexander is hoping for that sort of thing, too.
  • Kermit the Frog's skin is made of felt. Kermit Alexander's hair is made of felt.
  • Kermit the Frog has starred in several feature films. Kermit Alexander has been featured in several highlights of other stars scoring touchdowns.
  • Kermit the Frog is friends with the insatiably hungry Cookie Monster. In 1973, Kermit Alexander was teammates with the insatiably hungry Tom Dempsey.
  • Kermit the Frog is in a relationship with Miss Piggy. Kermit Alexander dated a few swine in his day, as well.



Bob James, 1987 Donruss

Name: Bob James
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Sweaty pitcher
Value of card: Two first names, zero hygiene
Key 1986 stat: Named baseball's swarthiest player for a second year running
Top 10 places you might see Bob James, other than the baseball park:

10) Hitching a ride inside a railroad boxcar
9) Asleep at the neighborhood park
8) Selling his hair grease for booze money
7) Not at the dentist's office
6) Rummaging through your garbage cans
5) Out with your crazy aunt
4) Aboard the subway, with a car all to himself
3) On the street, dining on four varieties of cat food
2) At the pet store, smuggling out mice in his beard
1) Being tormented by his inner demons (and the Bust)


Dave Stenhouse and Mike Stenhouse, 1985 Topps Father-Son

Names: Dave Stenhouse and Mike Stenhouse
Teams: Washington Senators and Montreal Expos
Positions: Pitcher and outfield
Value of card: "In my day, a pack of baseball cards was a nickel," said Dave Stenhouse
Key 1984 stat: 26 arguments at family dinners
It's time for an all-in-the-family edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: "Young punk" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 2: "Never amount to nothing" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 3: "Takes after his mother" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 4: "Needs to stop chasing skirts and concentrate on baseball" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 5: "Doesn't know the meaning of hard work" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 6: "Hippy needs a haircut" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 7: "No son of mine" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)

Score: Mike Stenhouse 7, Dave Stenhouse 0, Ties 0

Synopsis: Mike Stenhouse may have swept through this battle, but as any son who disappointed his father knows, this is in no way a victory.


Scott Rolen, 1999 Skybox Premium

Name: Scott Rolen
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Third base
Value of card: A third-degree sunburn
Key 1998 stat: Didn't really look like the guy in this photo
We hope you studied: How did Scott Rolen spend his "Spring Fling"?

A) Constantly hammered, showing his Rookie of the Year trophy to every girl he saw
B) Occasionally hammered, chopping down palm trees with his bare hands
C) Mostly sober, wearing pinstripe pants at all times
D) Completely dry, working on his swing and defense (BORING!)
E) Horribly hung over, leaning on his bat for support with his hat shading his eyes


Dave Huppert, 1988 California Leauge All-Stars

Name: Dave Huppert
Team: Stockton Ports
Position: Manager
Value of card: One baby-smooth shave
Key 1987 stat: Spent a week in Stockton one night
Top 10 things that can be seen up Dave Huppert's nose in this photo:

10) Dave Huppert's brain
9) Another one of those giant electrical towers
8) The charm of Stockton, Calif.
7) A baseball card featuring Dave Huppert
6) The origin of the universe
5) A second, slightly smaller curled mullet
4) The ball from his one major league hit
3) Snails
2) The entirety of his nostrils
1) A booger the size of his neck

Card submitted by Zach Jones


Ryan Hawblitzel, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 7)

Name: Ryan Hawblitzel
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Zero (fashion) cents
Key 1991 stat: 221 hours practicing the "thumbs in the jeans pockets" look
Today's fashion model: Here we have Ryan Hawblitzel, an ace when it came to style (and style alone). No one in the big leagues sported minor-league outfits with such pride and pizazz. A collared sweatshirt tucked into jeans? Why not? A player known for his exploits on the diamond wearing a shirt of intersecting diamonds? Of course. A guy who looks like an actor standing in front of a housing development pond and acting like he's the coolest guy in high school? You bet. Don't question fashion maven Ryan Hawblitzel, a minor-leaguer with big-league style.


Felipe Crespo, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 6)

Name: Felipe Crespo
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Even trade for a Mervyns $5 off coupon that expired in 1996
Key 1991 stat: 32 pinstripes (not the Yankees variety)
Today's fashion model: Here we have Felipe Crespo, who, it appears, has been thrown in fashion jail. Why was he thrown in fashion jail? Perhaps it's all those pinstripes, including the one that's plastered across his forehead in the form of eyebrows. Or maybe it's that belt, which he might have borrowed from Crocodile Dundee. Or maybe it's your grandpa's trousers that he's wearing. Nope, we got it: It's all of the above.


Doug Linton, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 5)

Name: Doug Linton
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two Easter eggs with dead chicks inside
Key 1991 stat: 52 Sundays at church
Today's fashion model: Here we have Doug Linton, a good boy who always listened to his mother when it came to his fashion choices in the early 1990s. Dougie made sure he tucked in his shirt and ironed his khakis every day. On Sundays, he would dress nicely for church, but he saved his best pastel shirt for Easter. Above, we see him after the Easter service and family IHOP brunch, when his parents drove him to the local Sears for the annual springtime shoot. Soon after this photo was taken, lil' Dougie got his reward for being such a good boy: a chance to sit on the Easter Bunny's lap and feel his eggs.


Jeff Jackson, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 4)

Name: Jeff Jackson
Teams: Philadelphia Phillies, "A Different World" cast
Position: Outfield
Value of card: That coin hanging from Jackson's neck
Key 1991 stat: 26 minutes posing in front of a paint crew's truck
Today's fashion model: Here we have Jeff Jackson, who was, obviously, a colorful guy. When Jackson was asked to explain his fashion style, he projectile-vomited after eating a rainbow-color snow cone and everyone agreed he nailed his explanation. When he mistakenly entered the Federal Institute for the Blind, 12 men wearing dark glasses and being led around by service dogs turned to him and said, "That's a hideous shirt." When he walked into a geometry class, the teacher hung Jackson's shirt on the blackboard and said, "Study that." When he stopped to look at a graffiti artist's mural, the wall slunk away in embarrassment. When he tried to buy stereo equipment, the workers asked him to turn down the volume on his shirt. So here's to Jeff Jackson, the brightest guy in the room.


Dave Doorneweerd, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 3)

Name: Dave Doorneweerd
Team: Augusta Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two chicken legs (like Dave's      not actual food)
Key 1991 stat: One funky last name
Today's fashion model: Here we have Dave Doorneweerd, and while his name may be "weerd" indeed, his taste in clothing is impeccable. Dave appears to pondering the depths of fashion while wearing a multicolored polo shirt that has been through the wash approximately 2,083 times. Sure, it's a little faded now, but when that baby was new, it could be seen from space. Some style experts may say that four colors is too many when it comes to casual wear, but Dave proves that theory wrong. Sadly, this photo fails to show us what, if anything, this young pitcher is wearing below the waist. Whatever it is, you can tell that Mr. Doorneweerd isn't afraid to show a little skin. Keep up the bold choices, Dave, and we're sure the majors will be calling any day now!


Damon Buford, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 2)

Name: Damon Buford
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A case of poison ivy
Key 1991 stat: Two shades of gray
Today's fashion model: Today we have Damon Buford, a center fielder who might have a few holes in his swing, but doesn't have any in his wardrobe. Damon is looking dapper, wearing a suit that he made himself out of the drapes from his parents' bedroom. Even repurposed, those curtains still hang elegantly. Damon scoffs at the notion that belts need to be "tight" or "hold things up." Instead, he has taken an airplane seat belt and wrapped it nonchalantly around his waist. Touché! And Damon's brand new black mock-turtleneck completes his look, which resembles something a not-very-talented jazz musician might wear. With this much style, there's no doubt that Damon is "da man."


Joe Perona, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 1)

Name: Joe Perona
Team: Lakeland Tigers 
Position: Catcher
Value of card: An empty bottle of Peroni
Key 1991 stat: Due to fair skin, unable to stand in the sun for more than five minutes
Spring training + spring fashion = the return of a classic: A few months back, the Bust set the fashion world on its head with Bowman Fashion Week, seven days' worth of cards from the 1992 Bowman set featuring a bunch of rookies and minor-leaguers wearing atrocious clothing. It was so popular, traffic to our site more than doubled, garnering up to 20 visitors per day. Hey, we're not ones to mess with success, so cover your eyeballs      it's time for more early '90s style.

Today's fashion model: Here we see Detroit Tigers draft choice Joe Perona taking a break in the shade. Too bad, Joe      your clothes are still hot! Joe's wearing an oversize button-down that incorporates every color known to man. And yes, those buttons do go all the way up. What's that you say? The pattern looks like somebody threw this shirt into the dryer with a bag of Skittles? Well, it's time to taste the rainbow! The bagginess of Joe's shirt is a tactical choice, covering his underdeveloped biceps and girlish waist, thus making him look more like an actual athlete. Downstairs, Joe's wearing a pair of his dad's Dockers and his only belt, a classic black number that he's had since he was 14. And while Joe will never make it past AA in baseball, that black leather wristwatch is ready for The Show. Cheers to you Joe      looking like this, you'll never be Perona non grata!



Lance McCullers, 1990 Score

Name: Lance McCullers
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Relief pitcher
Value of card: Its value isn't worth a second look
Key 1989 stat: 1,271 pitches thrown, but not seen
It's time for a reader-submitted pop quiz:

Why isn't Lance McCullers looking at his pitch?

(A) He understands what the result will be.
(B) He's intimidated by the out-of-focus Blue Jays player wearing a pair of culottes.
(C) George Steinbrenner was standing behind the plate, shirtless.
(D) He's not pitching; he's passing gas in an exaggerated manner.
(E) All of the above.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin


Jason Thompson, 1983 Fleer

Name: Jason Thompson
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: First base
Value of card: Arrgh, all the bounty you can pull from Davy Jones' locker (Davy Jones being the poorest sophomore from Peabody High School in Pittsburgh)
Key 1982 stat: One blatant attempt to look like the team mascot
Jason Thompson earned a lot of stars; here's what he earned them for:
  • Top row, far left: Star for first sports card featuring CNN logo
  • Top row, second from left: Star for best Camaro driver's mullet on team
  • Top row, second from right: Star for best kiss-up hat choice for future manager Jim Leyland
  • Top row, far right: Star for wispiest mustache in National League
  • Bottom row, left: Star for not being a star
  • Bottom row, middle: Star for worst star symmetry and alignment on team (and when compared with a typical second-grader)
  • Bottom row, right: Star for being the mistaken subject of an interview with a rookie CNN reporter who was tasked with getting to the bottom of a story on a brazen ship robbery conducted by seafaring brigands off the coast of Georgia when the Pirates were in town to play the Braves 



Keith McCants, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 189)

Name: "Keith" McCants
Team: Tampa Bay "Buccaneers"
Position: "Linebacker"
Value of card: "Nothing" (quote-unquote)
Key 1989 stat: 212 articles of clothing that were "orange"
It's time for another "thrilling" pop quiz:

How do you know you're the "class" of 1990?

(A) You wear hats that are "two sizes too small."
(B) You have a mustache that's as "straight as a ruler."
(C) You're constantly surrounded by a "blinding orange-and-yellow aura."
(D) You're featured on a horrendous football "card."
(E) You're "described" using "unnecessary" quote "marks."
(F) All of the above.


Todd Zeile, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Todd Zeile
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One Zeile-yun dollars
Key 1990 stat: 1,052 times listening to Bell Biv Devoe
Interview transcript with Todd Zeile, circa 1990: 
Radio interviewer: "Welcome back, Cardinals fans, Mike Shannon here with the Mutual of Omaha Player of the Game Todd Zeile, who went 2-for-3 with the deciding homer today. He also took a pretty good shot to the noggin from Andre Dawson's backswing in the sixth, but toughed it out. Todd, you want to take off those headphones and tell me about that long ball?"
Todd Zeile: "Shh, shh, I'm listening to the postgame show! I think they're going to be talking to me this time! Ugh, too bad my head hurts."
RI: "Uh, Todd, this is the show. We're on live right now. So, how about that homer?"
TZ: "Come on, man, I can't hear the show with you yammering away like that. And can someone turn off that alarm clock! Geez. Ooh, is that a chocolate truffle?" (Attempts to eat the end of the interviewer's microphone)
RI: "Hey, stop that! That's not food! OK, we're going to take a break and see if we can get the trainer to have a look at Todd Zeile, here. From Busch Stadium, this is Mike Shannon signing off."
TZ: "Man, I can't get a good signal in this dugout. Screw this, I'm playing my Bell Biv Devoe CD again." (Starts singing) "That girl is poisonnnn, p-p-p-poison!"


Mike Ramsey, 1981 Fleer

Name: Bill Murray, aka Mike Ramsey
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Comedian, shortstop
Value of card: $2 off a perm at Supercuts
Key 1980 stat: One mistaken trade
The not-so-funny legend of Mike Ramsey: The year was 1980, and Bill Murray was hot. After years starring on "Saturday Night Live," Murray had gained even more fame in soon-to-be classic "Caddyshack." The comedian was so popular that, on a lark, he even signed a contract with his favorite baseball team, the Chicago Cubs. Murray, playing under the pseudonym "Mike Ramsey," quickly became the team's best hitter, posting a .262 average. Cubs general manager Bob Kennedy was so impressed that he quickly traded Murray to the arch-rival Cardinals in exchange for a fourth-round draft pick and a bag of gym socks. Murray was not amused, and grew out his hair in protest. Of course, everyone thought Murray's man-perm was his best joke yet.


Chris Chambliss, 1982 Topps In Action

Name: Chris Chambliss
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: First base
Value of card: No
Key 1981 stat: Zero action (from the ladies)
A handful of things that have more action than the above Chris Chambliss card:
  • "The English Patient"
  • Sitting
  • Watching paint dry
  • Watching another person watch paint dry
  • Beige
  • The Jacksonville Jaguars' offense
  • This Rollie Fingers card



Dave Smith, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Dave Smith
Team: Houston Astros, allegedly
Position: None
Value of card: Considering it's about as rare as Dave Smith's name, not much
Key 1988 stat: Wasn't actually a professional athlete
The Legend of "Dave Smith": 1989 was Upper Deck's first year producing baseball cards, so mistakes were bound to happen. So it was that Houston Astros superfan Brian Keane ended up in the set      albeit under an alias. Keane, who had won a team contest earning him the right to sit in the Astros dugout for a spring training game, had never played an inning of baseball in his life. The Upper Deck photography team didn't know that, however. By the time the photog got to the dugout, Keane had already donned an Astros warmup jacket over his gray T-shirt. Fooled by the coat and Keane's MLB-quality mullet, the photog got some shots      of course, when it came time to match names to faces, one "player" seemed out of place. Rather than leave the man out of the set, Upper Deck workers slapped on the most generic name they could think of: Dave Smith. Keane still keeps both the card and the mullet framed in his office.


Bruce Kimm, 1981 Topps

Name: Bruce Kimm
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One white sock
Key 1980 stat: 46 times mistaken for a member of the Bob's Muffler Service softball team while wearing that uniform
It's time for The Caption, which we're told ran in the Chicago Tribune in 1981: "Bruce Kimm, center, sulks near the batting cage after losing a bet and being forced to wear a uniform that was so ridiculous it in no way could have been worn by a professional baseball team — not even the Chicago White Sox, whose hideous uniform choices are well-documented — and, in fact, looked more like a uniform worn by rollerskating waitresses at Chicagoland carhop restaurant Shakes & Skates, Tuesday in Detroit."


Chet Lemon, 1982 Donruss

Name: Chet Lemon
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Four lemon seeds, swallowed
Key 1981 stat: Went on strike, but not because of the team's unis.
Here's what Chet Lemon stands for:

Carried a lot of bad White Sox teams
Had to wear a lot of bad White Sox uniforms, as well
Evidently, he's too cool for his full first name, Chester
This angle makes it look like that infielder's getting a good whiff of Lemon's scent

Lapels double as a flotation device
Eats anything except citrus, surprisingly
Man, there are stripes going in every direction in that photo
Once played for a manager named Bob Lemon
No relation      in fact, their relationship was pretty sour


Buddy Ryan, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 188)

Name: Buddy Ryan
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Head coach
Value of card: One pair of Buddy's used thermal underpants
Key 1990 stat: Dressed like this all year long
A handful of nicknames for the comically cold Buddy Ryan:
  • Buddy the Elf
  • Kermit the Hog
  • The Not-Very-Jolly Green Giant
  • The Four-Ton Clover
  • Buddy "I Can Barely Touch My Hands Together" Ryan
  • The Green Gobbler
  • Not Your Buddy, Guy
  • The Incredible Bulk



Matt Drews, 1997 All Sport Plus Past Present Future

Name: Matt Drews
Team: Some Detroit Tigers farm team or other
Positions: Pitcher, radar gun holder, jorts model
Value of card: In cents, the same number of starts he made in the majors (Hint: Less than one)
Key 1996 1998 stat: Led the International League in hit batsmen (not making that up)
Past, present, and future: This wonderful baseball card set featured some of sports' greatest heroes, then-current stars and biggest prospects. It also featured what appears to be a close-up photo of a graham cracker at the bottom, but we digress. Here's the past, present and future of Matt Drews at the time the above photo was taken.

Past: His best fastball; his best breaking ball; all self-respect; the touch of a woman who wasn't being paid.
Present: Not being allowed on the field; holding a radar gun that doesn't work; drawing obscene images on his notepad instead of taking notes; wondering why his photo is being taken when he's in the stands.
Future: Two straight seasons at Toledo with 14 or more losses and a 7-plus ERA; a job at a car rental agency; more jorts; being mocked on a mediocre baseball card blog.


Doug Bird, 1981 Fleer

Name: Doug Bird
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two scrambled eggs, complete with eggshells
Key 1980 stat: Bird was not the word
Fun facts about not-very-good pitcher Doug Bird and actual birds:
  • Most actual birds use their wings to fly. Doug Bird's wings couldn't get him off the ground, but they did stick out from under his hat.
  • Birds use their beaks for many purposes including hunting, grooming and courtship. Doug Bird used his mustache for many purposes, including saving food for later and courtship, but seldom was grooming involved.
  • Birds reproduce by laying and hatching eggs. Doug Bird once ate 74 eggs in one day.
  • Some birds, like pelicans, can store pounds of food in their gullets. Doug Bird is seen above storing pounds of chew in his gullet.
  • Many birds are lithe and graceful. Doug Bird once tripped over his own rosin bag.



Mark Portugal, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Mark Portugal
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One Portuguese centavo
Key 1992 stat: Seven cavities filled by the dentist
A few outtakes from Mark Portugal's autograph session:
  • "Dear Andy, nice glove. It looks a lot like mine      in fact, where is my glove? Hey!"
  • "To Teddy: No you can't suck on my lollipop. Buzz off, creep-o."
  • "For Vince: No, I haven't actually been to Portugal. It's just my name. Please stop asking."
  • "Julie, thanks for saying that I look like a less talented Kevin Costner out there. You mean in terms of acting ability, right?"
  • "To Alan: Yes, I do think this is what a baseball player is supposed to look like. Now get out of here before I strangle you with my sunglasses strap."

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg


Lou Piniella, 1981 Fleer

Name: Lou Piniella
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: "Why don't you go ask somebody who (expletive) cares?"
Key 1980 stat: "Bend over and I'll show ya!"
It's time for an anger-filled pop quiz:

What was the often-argumentative Lou Piniella's reaction to seeing The Bust for the first time?

(A) "What kind of numbnuts losers spend their (expletive) time on something so stupid?"
(B) "This (expletive) website makes my (expletive) jockstrap ride to places this site would probably like to write about."
(C) "I took one look at this piece of (expletive), swallowed my (expletive) chew and threw up all over the (expletive) computer."
(D) "Genius! Just kidding. This (expletive) is (expletive) (expletive). I wouldn't feed this horse (expletive) to my dead (expletive) dog."
(E) "Both of the readers must be proud."
(F) All of the above


Chester McGlockton, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 44)

Name: Chester McGlockton
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: Playing for the Raiders (minus the NFL salary)
Key 1992 stat: Spent Super Bowl Sunday in an empty room
Time for an iconic quiz: What does this card symbolize?

A) The Raiders' on-field success since 1992
B) The Raiders' draft strategy since 1992 (McGlockton and a bunch of nobodies)
C) The Raiders' home attendance since 1992
D) The number of Raiders fans who have gotten over the Tuck Rule game
E) All of the above


Deion Sanders, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 7)

Name: Deion Sanders
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One three-pound dumbbell, melted down
Key 1992 stat: Zero sweat
A brief recap of Deion Sanders' weekly workout routine, circa 1992:

  • Monday: Lifting 40 pounds of gold necklaces over his head, wearing them for the rest of the day
  • Tuesday: 1 set of 20 chest presses followed by 20 minutes of staring at a poster of himself dressed as a pimp (seen in background and here)
  • Wednesday: Running 3 miles in a multi-colored track suit, then getting a helicopter ride home
  • Thursday: Rest; weekly hair appointment
  • Friday: Four hours of playing baseball poorly
  • Saturday: Tackling practice. Ha ha, just kidding. He probably lifted some weights or something.
  • Sunday: High stepping, dancing, and repeat



Charles Haley, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 6)

Name: Charles Haley
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Defensive end, linebacker
Value of card: 3 cents worth of gasoline
Key 1991 stat: 420 horsepower
Top 10 places Charles Haley was heading after this photo was taken:
10) To his home to ride his hog (an actual pig) in peace.
9) To a turtleneck fashion show.
8) To a Harley-Davidson dealership to take whatever bike he wanted without paying.
7) To a race with Rick Mirer.
6) To an audition for an acting role as a 6-foot-6 Steve Urkel.
5) To deep into the blue, apparently.
4) To wherever you want, Mr. Haley. We're so sorry for asking. Please, let us polish your chopper.
3) To god knows where; he can't see anything through those glasses.
2) To your mom's house to return her jeans.
1) To anywhere but there, after driving over a Pro Line photographer.