Name: Kelly Gruber
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Third base
Value of card: 5 crotches, er, cents
Key 1990 stat: Ultra proud of his man zone
Well, hello: Easy there, Kelly Gruber. You're coming on a little strong. Let's start by removing your crotch from our faces. Yeah, we get it, third base isn't just your position, it's your way of life. Still, the kids might see what you're doing here and get confused. No, no, we're all impressed by your flexibility. It's just that this is neither the appropriate time nor place for such aggressive junk-thrusting. So just take a step back, and let's start over. Nope, it's still there. Nope. Still there. That's it, we're calling the cops.
Card submitted by Douglas Corti