Name: Tony Pena
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Value of card: It's worth so little you have to throw a quarter in the garbage every time you look at it
Key 1988 stat: 20-20 vision (when wearing the world's biggest and thickest glasses)
Let's meet Tony Pena: This is Tony Pena, a catcher for the St. Louis Cardinals. He's a good guy and — oh my god, Tony, run! There's a giant red blob crawling on you! It's moving up your neck, trying to eat your face! Try to push it down! Try to pull it off! It's hideous, Tony, it's hideous! It's huge! It's a monstrosity! It has already consumed your neck and is making its way for your chin! Run, Tony, run! Oh, lord! Someone help him! Someone, please!