11.30.2013

Taylor Buchholz, 2008 Topps


Name: Taylor Buchholz
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It ain't worth a buck-(holz)
Key 2007 stat: 712 games of "shadow"
It's time for another edition of ... What are the chances?

What are the chances ...
Buchholz was aware someone was behind him: 85%
Buchholz was aware aware it was the Pirate Parrot mascot behind him: 85%
Buchholz was aware someone behind him was touching him inappropriately: 100%

What are the chances ...
Buchholz was excited about this photo: 45%
Buchholz was embarrassed by this photo: 65%
Buccholz was reliving a decade's worth of childhood nightmares in this photo: 100%

What are the chances ...
Buchholz's relationship with Pirate Parrot was a bit "rocky": 10%
Buchholz and Pirate Parrot were "two birds of a feather": 90%
Buchholz and Pirate Parrot were caught in this compromising position more than once: 100%

What are the chances ...
This card was the best card of Buchholz's career: 100%
This moment was the highlight of Buchholz's career: 100%
This bird was embarrassed to no end to be caught with a pitcher of Buchholz's caliber: 100%
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11.29.2013

Jack Snow, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 180)


Name: Jack Snow
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Three melted snowflakes
Key 1971 stat: Several weeks of regret
Here's what Jack Snow stands for:

Jumping around like a ninny
Acting like a fool
Carrying the ball in way that's just begging for a strip
Kicking his legs in the air like a toddler

Strutting around like an idiot
Nosing ahead in the race for NFC's biggest jackass
Obeying every ridiculous command from the photographer
We didn't even get to his pasted-down hard part. Oh well.
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11.28.2013

Earl Weaver, 1982 Donruss


Name: Earl Weaver
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Manager
Value of card: A minuscule denomination of money no longer in circulation
Key 1981 stat: 211,900 wrinkles
10 real quotes from the one and only Earl Weaver:
10) "Coaches are an integral part of any manager's team, especially if they are good pinochle players."
9) "We're so bad right now that for us back-to-back home runs means one today and another one tomorrow."
8) "Optimism is the cheerful frame of mind that enables a teakettle to sing, though in hot water up to its nose."
7) "Smart managing is dumb. The three-run homers you trade for in December will always beat brains."
6) "(That umpire) is incompetent. (Those other two umpires) are almost as incompetent as (the first umpire). ... The blind one. ... The worst. ... Not smart enough to remember the rule book. ... If he ever touches me again without that blue uniform on, I'll consider it assault and his family will have to fly to see him at Johns Hopkins Hospital."
5) "Don't worry. The fans don't start booing until July."
4) "I think the National League has better biorhythms in July."
3) "Every time I fail to smoke a cigarette between innings, the opposition will score."
2) "If you know how to cheat, start now."
1) "On my tombstone just write, 'The sorest loser that ever lived.'"
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11.27.2013

Chet Lemon and Dennis Lamp, 1982 Topps Leaders


Names: Chet Lemon and Dennis Lamp
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: Outfield and pitcher, respectively
Value of card: One lamp that doesn't work
Key 1981 stat: One plate of spaghetti shared, a la "Lady and the Tramp"
It's a Name Hall of Fame Matchup between two Pale Hose:

Round 1: Better name (Winner: Lemon, but only because of "Chet")
Round 2: Resemblance to a walrus (Winner: Lamp)
Round 3: Square acreage of collar (Winner: Lemon)
Round 4: Got more ladies to pucker up (Winner: Lamp, surprisingly)
Round 5: Brighter personality (Winner: Lemon, again, surprisingly)
Round 6: Requisite early-'80s hair helmet (Winner: Lamp)
Round 7: Noise-muffling sideburns (Winner: Lamp)

Final score: Lamp 4, Lemon 3

Synopsis: Dennis Lamp shines at the end to peel the victory away from Chet Lemon. Lemon doesn't look too sour about the whole thing, though      after all, he doesn't have 18 pounds of hair to weigh him down.
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11.26.2013

Jose Rijo, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice


Name: Jose Rijo
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: $5? No way, Jose
Key 1994 stat: One letter away from a Reds player with the last name "Rojo"
It's time for a shady pop quiz:

Why is Jose Rijo wearing those sunglasses?

(A) He pulled them out of a box of Honey Smacks.
(B) He was a huge P.M. Dawn fan.
(C) He always viewed the world through rose-colored glasses, so what the hell.
(D) He just returned from guest starring on "A Different World."
(E) All of the above.
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11.25.2013

Wilbur Wood, 1977 Topps


Name: Wilbur Wood
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three rotten logs
Key 1976 stat: Got two rave reviews from his dentist
Differences between us and Wilbur Wood:
  • We wouldn't sign our first name so huge that we then had to cram our last name in at the end. But Wilbur Wood.
  • We wouldn't eat that piece of cheesecake that's been sitting in the fridge for two weeks. But Wilbur Wood.
  • We wouldn't stand idly by while Topps airbrushed what appears to be a graduation gown on us. But Wilbur Wood.
  • We wouldn't stare up at the Bust Cup and wonder if it was filled with delicious raspberry syrup. But Wilbur Wood.
  • We wouldn't let a photographer make our second and third chins the focus of a photo. But Wilbur Wood.

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11.24.2013

Maury Buford, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 34)


Name: Maury Buford
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Punter
Value of card: Humiliation
Key 1991 stat: Two first names that fell out of fashion long ago
It's a Sunday Caption, which could have appeared in the Chicago Sun-Times in 1991, maybe: "Bears punter Maury Buford kneels on the ground and looks longingly after the group of offensive linemen who removed and stole his pants while calling him 'Barfy Muford' as the evening breeze ruffles his windbreaker and mullet Friday morning in Chicago."
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Dick Harter, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 7)


Name: Dick "Don't Call Me Richard" Harter
Team: Charlotte Hornets
Position: Coach
Value of card: One commercial for Cialis
Key 1989-90 stat: Constantly chuckled at
Yes, we're 13 years old: Dick Harter. Say it out loud. Dick. Harter. Huh-huh. Huh-huh-huh. Dick Harter. Who will Dick Harter insert into the game next? Huh-huh-huh. Dick Harter prefers rigid defense. Huh-huh. Dick Harter has a stiff coaching style. Huh-huh.
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11.23.2013

Drew Gooden, 2002-03 NBA Hoops Stars (Heinous Hoops Week No. 6)


Name: Drew Gooden
Team: Memphis Grizzlies
Position: Forward
Value of card: Several polygonal shapes
Key 2002-03 stat: Nothing good(en)
We drew up this pop quiz for you: Why is Drew Gooden so livid?

A) He was told he'd be lifting a 10-pound dumbbell, not this brutally heavy 15-pounder.
B) He's just doing an impression of the Grizzlies' logo.
C) He was expecting his photo to take up more than 20 percent of the card.
D) Two words: Bad barbecue.
E) All of the above

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp
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11.22.2013

Dick Versace, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 5)


Name: Dick Versace
Team: Indiana Pacers
Position: Coach
Value of card: Two buttons sewn onto a tag
Key 1989-90 stat: 14 colors on tie
Brought to you by Versace: Coach Dick Mervyns and the Indiana Pacers were experiencing a tough start to the 1990-91 season. The team couldn't put together a winning streak, and the coach's decisions were questioned and his handling of the team was criticized. Knowing his job was on the line, Mervyns made a bold move: He worked out a first-of-its-kind merchandising deal with Italian fashion company Versace. He agreed to change his last name to "Versace" and wear only the sculpted suits on the sidelines. Though he looked sharp, the team didn't play that way, and the newly named Mr. Versace and his pinstripes were fired a quarter of the way through the season. The good news? More sweatpants.
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11.21.2013

David Robinson, 1992-93 Skybox David Robinson Flagship Series (Heinous Hoops Week No. 4)


Name: David Robinson
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Position: Center
Value of card: Catching the last 12 seconds of Bob Seger's "Turn the Page" on the radio
Key 1992-93 stat: One smudge of blue paint
A legend from down under: Few people know that Australian rock band Men At Work used to be David Robinson's favorite music group. Indeed, when the Aussies broke up and stopped touring in 1986, The Admiral was crushed. Robinson, who knew the saxophone part to "Who Can It Be Now?" by heart, took it upon himself in the early '90s to form a Men at Work cover band, called Men at Lurk, in San Antonio. Robinson and his bandmates would play nightclubs and city parks before being chased off by bouncers, police officers, and members of the general public. But everything changed in 1996 when Men at Work founder Colin Hay, while visiting the Lone Star State, heard Men at Lurk covering "Down Under." Hay was so horrified by the poor attempt at his music that he immediately reformed his own band and got a restraining order against Robinson's group. The Admiral, saddened, locked himself in his bedroom and played the intro from George Michael's "Careless Whisper" for the next two days straight.


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11.20.2013

Dennis Rodman, 2011 Leaf Pop Century (Heinous Hoops Week No. 3)


Name: Dennis Rodman
Team: Chicago Bulls
Positions: Bride, forward
Value of card: 
Key 1996 stat: Wore a white dress, even though we all know he's not exactly pure
I don't: Tradition states that every bride needs something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. Now, while there's very little that's traditional about Dennis Rodman, let's see what we've got here.

Something old: Rodman's bender was at least on Week 2 at this point
Something new: Word was that Rodman had just gotten another nipple piercing the night before
Something borrowed: The wig? The undergarments? Whatever it was, we're sure that the original owner didn't want it back.
Something blue: Any collector who opened a pack and found this card
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11.19.2013

Gheorghe Muresan and Shawn Bradley, 1994-95 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 2)


Names: Gheorghe Muresan, left, and Shawn Bradley, uncredited
Teams: Washington Bullets and Philadelphia 76ers, respectively
Positions: Gangly centers
Value of card: A penny, stretched by one of those tourist machines so that it's really long
Key 1994-95 stat: 15 feet, 1 inch, combined
Let's all go to the movies: Usually, we noncreative types here at the Bust would throw together a quick Matchup pointing out that there's an inappropriately placed ball near Muresan's groin, or that these two guys are tall, ugly and pasty. (Lord, are they pasty.) Instead, we're going to spice it up a bit today and match up these two characters' primary feature films, "My Giant" (Muresan) and "Space Jam" (Bradley).

Round 1: Least believable plot point (Winner: "My Giant," in which Billy Crystal believes somebody would pay to see Muersan on screen)
Round 2: Most believable plot point (Winner: "Space Jam," in which an alien "steals" Shawn Bradley's basketball talent and proceeds to score zero points in a game)
Round 3: Worth re-watching (Winner: Neither, a tie)
Round 4: Box office success (Winner: "Space Jam," but only by $82 million)
Round 5: Most regret felt by a main star (Winner: "Space Jam," Bugs Bunny)
Round 6: Pastier 7-footer (Winner: "Space Jam"      turns out we couldn't resist, after all)

Final score: "Space Jam" 4, "My Giant" 1 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Sure, Michael Jordan doesn't need another title, but Shawn Bradley finally gets one for being in the least horrible movie with a 7-foot-6 center in it. Wear it proud, Shawn. And don't worry, Gheorghe      you're still the ugliest dude on this card.

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp
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11.18.2013

Larry Johnson, 1991 Classic (Heinous Hoops Week No. 1)


Name: Larry Johnson
Team: UNLV Runnin' Rebels
Position: Forward
Value of card: Two tickets to the gun show
Key 1991 stat: Ran, but didn't rebel very much
They shoot, they miss: We're a couple weeks into basketball season, and the good people at the Bust are fired up. Despite your requests, we've decided to bring you another week of basketball cards so bad, so ugly, so absurd, that, well, they'll fit right in on this blog. So put on your shortest short-shorts and get ready to start flopping      it's time for Heinous Hoops Week.
Transcript from a late-night Las Vegas-area TV commercial, circa 1991: "Hello, Las Vegas! I'm Larry Johnson. You may know me for my talent on the basketball court, my python-like biceps, or my penchant for wearing multiple pairs of shorts at the same time. And while it's true that I like shooting hoops, I also love shooting guns!" (Cut to footage of a shirtless LJ firing a rifle in the desert) "That's right, handguns, shotguns, machine guns, I love 'em all. I even fired a Gatling gun one time! Thanks, UNLV boosters! Anyway, that's why I've opened up my own shop. At Johnson's Guns, you'll find every type of firearm and ammunition you could want. But don't take it from me      take it from this old gunslinger! (UNLV mascot Hey Reb dances into the shot, firing live rounds from actual pistols) "AAHHHH! HE SHOT ME! OH MY GOD, I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU SON OF A     " (Cut to color bars)
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11.17.2013

Jim Lachey, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 33)


Name: Jim Lachey
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Offensive lineman
Value of card: 3 ounces of wet cardboard
Key 1990 stat: 671 stripes

Time for a shameful pop quiz:

Just how loud are Jim Lachey's pants?

(A) What's that?
(B) I'm sorry, say it again.
(C) No, again. Please. I can't hear you.
(D) For the love of god, you'll need to speak much, much louder.
(E) All of the above.
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11.16.2013

Doug Bird, 1982 Donruss


Name: Doug Bird
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A feather in your mouth
Key 1981 stat: Twice tried to eat the ivy at Wrigley
Here's what Doug Bird stands for:

Dude's been working on his tan more than he has his curveball
Oiled up his biceps before this shot
Uncle Doug bought all the kids mesh jerseys for Christmas
Gap-toothed? Or is that just some leftover chew on that incisor?

Bird is a fitting last name for this guy, given his wings
It's not wrong to want to grab hold of those handlebars
Ratio of forehead to rest of face appears to be 1:1
Doubtful that Bird was the often word, except in the loss column
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11.15.2013

Charle Young, 1977 Topps Mexican (Football Friday No. 179)


Name: Charle Young
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Tight end
Value of card: Zero cents, converted to pesos
Key 1977 stat: Wasn't actually as scary as this photo makes him out to be
Time for a little Q-and-A about this card:
Q: "Carneros"? "AC"? Whaaa?
A: This card is from the 1977 Topps Mexican football set, a set of Spanish-language cards featuring all the 1970s Topps hallmarks      atrocious photography, lots of dudes with afros, and enough airbrushing to fill a style magazine. "Carneros" is Spanish for Rams, and "AC" is short for ala cerrada, which is 28 percent more fun to say than "tight end."
Q: On the card, this guy's name is "Charley," but you dolts have it as "Charle." Are ya stupid or somethin'?
A: Despite all the evidence on this site, we're not complete idiots. In fact, we've got this one right. His name really is Charle; Topps added the Y by mistake. Of course, they'll probably claim that "Charley" is Spanish for Charle, or something.
Q: Why is Charle Young wearing an inflatable rubber suit instead of a football jersey?
A: Look, we know all about rubber suits, and that, my friend, is no rubber suit. That's one of the most frightening instances of airbrushing in the history of sports cards. Mr. Young had been traded from the Eagles to the Rams in early 1977, after Topps had taken all its photos. It was too difficult for the artist (*ahem*) who airbrushed this photo to keep the appearance of a mesh jersey, so instead, old Charle got a solid blue uniform top with two yellow stripes and a childlike "86" drawn on it. (Frankly, this whole idea should have been eighty-sixed.) Thankfully, the artist (*ahem*) chose a different shade of blue for the helmet, making it clear that this photo was doctored, and that Charle does not, in fact, play football while wearing latex.
Q: I have this card. What do you suggest I do with it?
A: Take it to el baƱo and tirarlo en el inodoro.
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11.14.2013

Ivan Calderon, 1993 Topps Stadium Club


Name: Ivan Calderon
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Wrist tape that's been cut off
Key 1993 stat: Lived up to his nickname of "Ivan the Terrible"
Here's a Caption that maybe ran in the Boston Globe circa May 1993: "After unnecessarily resting one arm on a towel-covered tray and placing a bat suggestively between his legs as he sits on a step, Red Sox outfielder Ivan Calderon stares ardently at the camera while rubbing his upper thigh and attempting to make his head more strongly resemble a mushroom, all while his batting gloves dangle nonchalantly from his rear pocket, Tuesday in Boston."

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp


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11.13.2013

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards


Names: Nolan "The Gentleman Rancher" Ryan, Horse
Teams: Texas Rangers, The Stable
Positions: Ace, Saddled
Value of card: Two unlucky horseshoes
Key 1990 stat: 1,211 rides together
It's time for a Texas-size edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Covered in flies (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Sometimes wears a saddle in bed (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Still participates in the occasional rodeo (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Often craps in a field (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Favorite TV show is "Mr. Ed" (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Shoes attached to feet with nails (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Often eats from a feedbag (Winner: Tie)

Score: Ryan 0, Horse 0, Ties 7

Synopsis: It's not often there's a tie in The Matchup, but it's not often two individuals share such similar characteristics. In the end, neither Ryan nor Horse could gallop away into the sunset with a victory.
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11.12.2013

Chuck Hartenstein, 1977 Topps


Name: Chuck Hartenstein
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One rancid mutton chop
Key 1977 stat: More chins than wins
Career choices: Chuck Hartenstein didn't play in a major league game from 1971 to 1976. Here are some of the jobs he held during that hiatus:
  • Long-haul truck driver
  • Sunglass tinter
  • Ambassador to turkey (not the country, his neighbor's actual pet turkey)
  • Hairstyle adviser
  • CB radio repairman
  • Unofficial baseball scorer
  • Sideburn farmer
  • Country-and-Western singer
  • Gigolo
Card submitted by Douglas Corti


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11.11.2013

Rick Waits, 1982 Donruss


Name: Rick Waits
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of sunflower seed shells swept up in the dugout
Key 1981 stat: 870 hours sitting in the dugout
Let's get deep and answer some questions:

What happens when this pitcher wants to get in a game?

Rick Waits

What happens when this pitcher asks the clubhouse manager for a favor?

Rick Waits

What happens when this pitcher drops his name at a busy restaurant in an effort to get a table?

Rick Waits

What happens when this pitcher walks into a barbershop and asks to get cleaned up?

Rick Waits

What happens when this pitcher says he wants to be featured on a good-looking baseball card?

Rick Waits
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11.10.2013

Mark Carrier, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 32)


Name: Mark Carrier
Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 1 pound of used wrist tape
Key 1990 stat: 123,981 times confused with the other Mark Carrier
It's time for another stirring, orange-and-white pop quiz:

Why is this card a stretch?

(A) Because that's not even a well-defined Tyson-esque hair line.
(B) Because he's holding his leg like a sniper rifle.
(C) Because there's no way that chain is real gold.
(D) Because this is a football card but the Buccaneers weren't really a football team.
(E) Because Carrier has no second leg.
(F) Because he's stretching, duh.
(G) All of the above.
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11.09.2013

Darryl Strawberry, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions


Name: Darryl Strawberry
Team: New York Mets
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Radiation poisoning
Key 1990 stat: Cocaine was a hell of a drug
An illustrative pop quiz: What's the deal with Straw's bat?

A) You see, the artist was indicating that the bat was a nuclear weapon, representing Darryl's power. Silly.
B) It wasn't the first time Strawberry was associated with lines.
C) Who cares? What I want to know is why is the moon in so many of these stupid cards?
D) It burns! IT BURNS!
E) No, but really, it's A.


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11.08.2013

Tom Dempsey, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 178)


Name: Tom Dempsey
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Big, fat kicker
Value of card: The grease at the bottom of a used McDonald's bag
Key 1972 stat: Played for an actual NFL team
Look and admire: This, ladies and gentlemen, is a professional athlete. Stand in awe of the grace, the power, the talent, the tight-fitting pants. See how his second chin helps steady his head as he lines up his kick. Admire the way his little hoof-like foot rises higher than his mega-sideburn, bowl-cut hairdo and into the sky, pointing in the direction he wants the ball to go. You don't think kickers are real football players? Well, Mr. Tom Dempsey would like to have a word with you      right after he finishes his second cheesesteak.
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11.07.2013

Graig Nettles, 1983 Topps Super Veteran


Names: Young Graig Nettles, Old Graig Nettles
Teams: Minnesota Twins, New York Yankees, respectively
Positions: Third base (both)
Value of card: Inflation's rise between 1967 and 1983 (multiplied by zero)
Key 1982 stat: 234 hours wishing it were 1967
It's time for a young-vs.-old edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Ridiculous spelling of "Greg" (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Fantastic Sam's little boy's special haircut (Winner: Young Nettles)
Round 3: Veteran hair wings (Winner: Old Nettles)
Round 4: Slightly agape mouth (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Penchant for playing marbles between innings (Winner: Young Nettles)
Round 6: Ability to pose for (cough, cough) game-action shots (Winner: Old Nettles)
Round 7: Poised in position to smack his counterpart in the back of the head with a baseball bat (Winner: Old Nettles)

Score: Old Nettles 3, Young Nettles 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: The young and old versions of Graig Nettles did battle, and things were tense, but in the end, the veteran soothed the rookie into complacency before setting him up like an Incrediball on a tee.
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11.06.2013

Mickey Tettleton, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings


Name: Mickey Tettleton
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One Mickey's cap (not Tettleton's hat)
Key 1989 stat: Apparently, dodged a lot of paintballs
Fun facts about Mickey Tettleton and American painter Jackson Pollock:
  • Jackson Pollock was renowned for dripping paint on the canvas. Mickey Tettleton was renowned for letting the last few drops drip down his pants.
  • Pollock's work has been displayed in the MoMA. Tettleton's trophies are still on display at his mom's house.
  • One of Pollock's most impressive works was "No. 5 1948." Tettleton once took an impressive No. 2 after eating 1,948 doughnut holes in a day.
  • Pollock's art has been the subject of much critical debate. Tettleton's play was also the subject of much criticism.
  • Pollock died in 1965, and was thus spared from the ridiculous 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings subset, including this Tettleton card.

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11.05.2013

Kent Hrbek, 1992 Donruss Triple Play


Name: Kent Hrbek
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: First base
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1991 stat: Three consonants to start five-letter last name
Kent Hrbek's train of thought from 5:34 to 5:35 p.m. Aug. 15, 1991: "Hey, get a load of that photographer over there. I'm going to make him laugh. Let's see, how about I stick out my tongue? No, that's too juvenile. How about I put my palms to my mouth and make farting sounds? No, I'd swallow the pine tar on my batting glove. I know, I'll give him my best Elvis impersonation. And here we go: A hu-huh-how. ... What the? It's ... it's ... it's ... stuck! Lord, help! My face is stuck! My Elvis face is stuck. Help! Help! Kirby, anybody, help! I got my blue suede shoes. Help! Everybody was dancing to the jailhouse rock. Help! Viva Las Vegas. Viva Las Vegas. Help! Wise men say, only fools rush in ..."
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11.04.2013

Rowland Office, 1982 Topps


Name: Rowland Office
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Even trade for one ticket to "Airplane II: The Sequel" in 1982
Key 1981 stat: Zero attempts to speak French in Montreal
10 things you'll find in Rowland's Office:
10) A stapler for clasping the top of his jersey
9) A ruler, in inches, for measuring things in metric
8) Rubber cement, in case he ran out of Soul Glo
7) A lamp for making sure everyone saw his jheri curl glisten
6) A computer, circa 1982, for doing not much not very fast
5) Tape for attaching his hat to his hair so it wouldn't fly off
4) A keyboard, not for typing, but for playing sweet jams
3) A dictionary, for looking up the three regular words that make up his name
2) Scissors for not cutting his hair
1) A vibrating pen
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11.03.2013

Steve McMichael, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 31)


Name: Steve McMichael
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Defensive line
Value of card: Three shovelfuls of bear crap
Key 1990 stat: 2-inch indention in butt chin
It's time for a "Mongo" pop quiz:

Just why does Steve "Mongo" McMichael appear so confident?

(A) He knows he has the most wind-friendly mullet in the Windy City.
(B) Chicks dig Zubaz.
(C) He's not confident; he's concentrating on keeping his 47-pound head upright.
(D) He "Mongo." Mongo smash!
(E) All of the above.
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Randall Cunningham, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 7)


Name: Randall Cunningham, aka "Rocket Man"
Team: Fear-adelphia Eagles
Positions: Quarterback, shooting high through the air
Value of card: 11 dead birds (rotting ones)
Key 1993 splat: Zero completions with a metal football
Fun facts about Elton "Rocket Man" John and Randall "Rocket Man" Cunningham:
  • "Rocket Man" Elton was a performer who wore flamboyant clothes made especially for him. "Rocket Man" Randall was a performer who wore flamboyant clothes made exclusively from trash.
  • "Rocket Man" Elton has more than 40 top-10 hits. "Rocket Man" Randall has sustained more than his share of hits.
  • "Rocket Man" Elton is known for songs including "Candle in the Wind" and "Bennie and the Jets." "Rocket Man" Randall is known for breaking wind and beating the Jets.
  • "Rocket Man" Elton is an award-winning singer, songwriter, pianist and composer with English roots. "Rocket Man" Randall speaks English.
  • "Rocket Man" Elton's ostentatious outfits included wide-brimmed hats and high-heeled shoes. "Rocket Man" Randall's above outfit includes a garbage-can hat and one shoe that doubled as an iron lung.

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11.02.2013

Cornelius Bennett, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 6)


Name: Cornelius Bennett, aka "Big Bear"
Team: Boo-falo Bills
Positions: Linebacker, catching salmon in a river
Value of card: 62 pounds of fish guts
Key 1993 splat: 10 6-inch fingernails
Questionable content: Let's get this straight. Here we have Cornelius Bennett, famed Buffalo Bills linebacker, masquerading as "Big Bear." Let's repeat that: A Buffalo player is dressed like a bear. Wouldn't it make a little bit more sense to have a Chicago Bears player dressed as "Big Bear"? What's next, Mike Singletary dresses up as "Blitzing Buffalo"? But, given the quality of this get-up, it really doesn't matter. Bennett looks more like a buffalo than a bear, anyway. That dangling hair. Those long, pointy nails. That beard. Oh, wait, Bennett doesn't look like a buffalo or a bear, he looks like a hairy guy named Bill who has eaten too many bear claws. Solid execution, Coca-Cola. Your lack of attention to detail is, once again, frightening.
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11.01.2013

Marco Coleman, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 5)


Name: Marco Coleman, aka "Cobra"
Team: Miami Dol-skins
Positions: Defensive end, slithering on his stomach
Value of card: Two snake hands, despite, of course, snakes not having hands
Key 1993 splat: 2,819 scales (he weighs himself a lot)
"Cobra" Coleman describes fellow members of Cobra Command:

Cobra Commander: "Fun guy. Great on the barbecue. Once made this stuffed pork loin. Delish. I did prefer the helmet to the hood. And around the ladies, the guy was a bit of a snake."

Destro: "This guy, he has a steely resolve. His meddle: unquestionable. He has an iron will. A platinum-level human being, no doubt. And his head looks like an aluminum beer can."

Baroness: "Ooh, baby. Let me tell you something, son. This chica is on fire. She has body karate — and real karate. Word on the street is she and Destro got something going on. Well they didn't last night, playa."

Doctor Mindbender: "Egghead. Dork. Nerd. Dweeb. Geek. Goober."

Storm Shadow: "He may be a ninja, but that hooded uniform he started wearing veered a bit too close to a certain triple-letter group, if you know what I mean."
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