12.27.2013

John Vella, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 183)


Name: John Vella
Team: Oakland Raiders
Position: Tackle
Value of card: Six Brawny paper towel sheets
Key 1976 stat: 178,008 beard hairs
John Vella is the manliest man we've ever seen; here are some of his manliest exploits:
  • Once, he put on a red-and-black-plaid flannel shirt; five minutes later, 42,000 trees voluntarily fell in the forest.
  • Once, he shaved his beard at the request of a female fan; five minutes later, this photo was taken.
  • Once, he arm-wrestled a Kodiak bear; five minutes later, the NFL team in Chicago changed its name to the "Chicago John Vellas"
  • Once, he mistakenly walked into a Victoria's Secret store; five minutes later, everything on the shelves and racks had disappeared.
  • Once, he was asked about his feelings after a game; five minutes later, he was still looking at the reporter, confused, wondering what these "feelings" were.
  • Once, he walked into a maternity ward; five minutes later, all the babies were back inside their mothers and when they were born they came out with black beards.

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