Name: Jesse Orosco
Team: New York Mets
Value of card: Whatever Mr. Orosco says it's worth
Key 1984 stat: Whichever stat Mr. Orosco would like us to highlight
Whatever you say, Mr. Orosco: Um, hello there, sir. Has anyone ever told you that you're quite scary — and, of course, quite good-looking. And you're an awesome pitcher. The best we've ever seen. Yes, um, yes. We would never think of making fun of you or your Diamond Kings baseball card because, um, what could we make fun of? We couldn't possibly find anything wrong with such a beautiful illustration or with such an attractive face. Just promise us you won't sneak through one of our windows at night and kill our families with baseball stirrups and a hacksaw. Also, in closing, let us just say that we love your bangs and hair wings, asymmetrical eyes, shadowy profile and translucent skin. They're beautiful attributes. What's that? ... Oh, this is actually a photo of Orosco's corpse. Well, in that case, this is one of the most frightening cards we've ever seen, and it would be better served in a gallery of serial-killer images than in a Diamond Kings set.