11.19.2013

Gheorghe Muresan and Shawn Bradley, 1994-95 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 2)


Names: Gheorghe Muresan, left, and Shawn Bradley, uncredited
Teams: Washington Bullets and Philadelphia 76ers, respectively
Positions: Gangly centers
Value of card: A penny, stretched by one of those tourist machines so that it's really long
Key 1994-95 stat: 15 feet, 1 inch, combined
Let's all go to the movies: Usually, we noncreative types here at the Bust would throw together a quick Matchup pointing out that there's an inappropriately placed ball near Muresan's groin, or that these two guys are tall, ugly and pasty. (Lord, are they pasty.) Instead, we're going to spice it up a bit today and match up these two characters' primary feature films, "My Giant" (Muresan) and "Space Jam" (Bradley).

Round 1: Least believable plot point (Winner: "My Giant," in which Billy Crystal believes somebody would pay to see Muersan on screen)
Round 2: Most believable plot point (Winner: "Space Jam," in which an alien "steals" Shawn Bradley's basketball talent and proceeds to score zero points in a game)
Round 3: Worth re-watching (Winner: Neither, a tie)
Round 4: Box office success (Winner: "Space Jam," but only by $82 million)
Round 5: Most regret felt by a main star (Winner: "Space Jam," Bugs Bunny)
Round 6: Pastier 7-footer (Winner: "Space Jam"      turns out we couldn't resist, after all)

Final score: "Space Jam" 4, "My Giant" 1 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Sure, Michael Jordan doesn't need another title, but Shawn Bradley finally gets one for being in the least horrible movie with a 7-foot-6 center in it. Wear it proud, Shawn. And don't worry, Gheorghe      you're still the ugliest dude on this card.

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp
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