10.20.2013

Michael Irvin, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 29)


Name: Michael Irvin
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 11 pairs of used practice Spandex
Key 1990 stat: Zero milliseconds being humble
More than a staircase: Michael Irvin is one of the greatest wide receivers of the past 25 years, but he was known to have experienced drug addiction. He's now clean, and we would bet that's thanks to a 12-step program. We'd also bet it's no coincidence that Irvin was pictured on a set of steps in a card. So, because of the absurdity above, we here at The Bust devised Irvin's early 1990s 12-step program:

Step 1: Admitted he was powerless over posing for ridiculous football cards — that his life had become unmanageable.
Step 2: Came to believe a power greater than himself had restored him to fashion sanity.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn his will and his life over to the care of forgoing wristbands as he understood it.
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of his closets.
Step 5: Admitted to God, himself and another human being (Emmitt Smith) the exact nature of his Spandex wrongs.
Step 6: Was entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of dressing himself.
Step 7: Humbly asked God to remove his short-shorts shortcomings.
Step 8: Made a list of all the people he had harmed, and became willing to provide his fake jewelry to them all.
Step 9: Made a direct amends to such people whenever possible, even if they had broke out into uncontrollable laughter upon seeing how he dressed.
Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory, and when he was wrong, he promptly changed his clothes.
Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve his conscious contact with the Barney's saleswoman, praying only for knowledge of her will and the power to carry it out.
Step 12: Having had a fashion awakening as a result of these steps, he tried to carry the message to other early 1990s style addicts, and to practice the principles in all his affairs.
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