6.22.2013

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Topps


Name: Fernando Valenzuela
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Ace
Value of card: It's worth its equivalent in off-center 1989 Topps cards
Key 1988 stat: 264 women with a case of "Fernandomania"
10 symptoms of "Fernandomania," as diagnosed by Bust doctors:
10) Inability to grow legitimate mustache
9) Tiny pink circles on forearm sleeves that are not — to repeat, not — the result of the lowest possible production standards
8) Arms bent at unimaginable angles
7) Mullet growth at 10 times the normal rate
6) Eyebrows that attach to each other and the hairline
5) Distorted perception of reality, like thinking the Dodgers had a shot to win the N.L. West in 1989
4) Restless chin syndrome
3) Sweating, a whole lot of sweating
2) Elephantitis of the bulge
1) Who cares? Pinata party!
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