Darrell Porter, 1987 Topps

Name: Darrell Porter
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Catcher, designated hipster
Value of card: A pint of porter, spilled all over your pants
Key 1986 stat: Worked rather hard on that mini-mullet, thank you very much
Clearing up some rumors about Darrell Porter and his glasses:
  • Darrell Porter did not have an exceedingly tiny head. Even Barry Bonds' noggin would look minuscule behind those glasses.
  • Darrell Porter would not have needed tape had his glasses been broken. The two halves would have still been so huge that they would have been held together by their own gravitational pull.
  • That is, in fact, Darrell Porter's real nose. It just looks like he's wearing Groucho Marx specs without the mustache.
  • Darrell Porter did not actually need those glasses to see. Rather, he just wanted to look smart for the ladies.
  • Darrell Porter's glasses are, in fact, proof that everything is bigger in Texas.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

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