5.02.2013

Ricky Bones, 1994 Studio


Name: Ricky Bones
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Positions: Pitcher, chin in hand
Value of card: A delicious rack of baby back ribs, without the meat
Key 1993 stat: 730 mustache grooming sessions
Ricky Bones' online dating profile, circa 1994:

Screen name: DemBones69
Age: 25
Height: 5' 10 1/2"
Weight: 175
Hair: Sculpted
Ethnicity: Puertorriqueño
Relationship status: Single-ish
Want children? Who wouldn't want some little Bones?
Best feature: Here's a hint: It gives free rides
Religious views: My mullet is pretty miraculous
Smoke? No way am I polluting my hair with that smell
Drink? I live in Milwaukee. What do you think?

Seeking: Are there any other Puerto Ricans in Milwaukee? Please?
Her body type: Dairy-free
Her best feature: Mustache. Oh wait, that's me again.
Location: Your place, my place, the dugout      wherever

About me: Hi ladies, my name is Ricky. Ricky Bones. That's right, Bones. Uh-huh, yeah. As you can see in my profile picture above, I'm a sophisticated, thinking man who knows how to flatten a mustache and curl a mullet. I could curl your toes, too, if you like. What's that? You want to know what that jersey is in the background? Well, I hate to brag, but I make a living playing baseball for the Milwaukee Brewers. Sure, we lost 93 games last year, but only 11 of those were my fault. Enough about work, let's talk about love. I can picture us now, lying in front of a roaring fireplace on a cow-skin rug, running our fingers through each other's luxurious hair, sipping the finest Old Milwaukee that can be had from the corner store. You'll play shy at first, but let's be honest. We're both looking forward to the same thing: the night when Ricky Bones you.
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