4.06.2013

Gary Ward, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 6)


Name: Gary Ward
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A wadded-up tissue of unknown origin
Key 1985 stat: 14 shaving mishaps
Conversation between big Gary Ward and little Gary Ward, sometime after this frightening illustration was completed:

Little Gary Ward: "You knew it was photo day, right? Did you just choose not to even clean up the handlebars on that mustache?"
Big Gary Ward: "Oh, good, I'm catching insults from a guy with a clubfoot."
LGW: "Nice smile, by the way. Or are you just mouth-breathing? It's hard to tell."
BGW: "I'm getting ready to bite your little head off, pipsqueak.
LGW: "You don't scare me. But your unibrow does."
BGW: "Man, shut up! I don't have a unibrow. It's just that this damned artist can't seem to draw facial hair of any kind. I mean, look at you! You don't even have handlebars on your 'stache, and we're supposed to be the same person!"
LGW: "... You know what? You're right. I'm sorry Big Gary. We should be working together, not picking each other apart. Can you forgive me?"
BGW: "You got it, Little Gary. Come over here and give me a hug." (Bites off Little Gary's head) "Heh. Sucker."
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