3.14.2013

Rick Hirtensteiner, 1992 Bowman Foil


Name: Rick Hirtensteiner
Team: California Angels
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: All the gold foil left in the abandoned Bowman factory
Key 1991 stat: Nine seasons before syndication
Rick Hirtensteiner could be Jerry Seinfeld's twin brother; here are some of Hirtensteiner's jokes from his critically panned standup routine:
  • What's the deal with gold foil? I mean, I thought foil was supposed to be silver. We're not in a competition. This isn't the Olympics. Silver foil should be fine. It's fine.
  • What's the deal with those little buttons on shirt collars? You never unbutton them. They're smaller than the other buttons. Do they have button envy? Do they sit in bed and think, "One day, I'll be on the front of the shirt, where I'll serve a real purpose in life?" I mean, c' ... mon.
  • What's the deal with Sears portraits? I mean, what, you're buying a fridge or a chain saw and a light bulb in the light bulb department goes on, and you're like, "I need a cheesy photo of myself against a sky-blue background to hand out to all my friends." No one does that. (shakes head) Who does that? 
  • What's the deal with baseball cards? I mean, they're thin pieces of cardboard, with men on them. So other men want to collect pictures of men they don't know? You wouldn't see a man collecting pictures of doctors or engineers. No one wants tiny rectangular pictures of doctors, so why do they want tiny rectangular pictures of athletes? I mean, let's get serious people.

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