Lyle Alzado, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 154)

Name: Lyle Alzado
Team: Denver Broncos
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: 82 piles of bronco leavings
Key 1971 stat: Always a little gassy
Hope you're hungry, because it's recipe time: Here's how to make a delicious meal of fettucine Alzado.

200 pounds of Adam Richman, the guy from "Man Vs. Food"
100 pounds of Chunk from "The Goonies"
1 pound of cold, wet noodles
82 cups of heavy cream
82 cups of grated Parmesan cheese
82 syringes of anabolic steroids

Mix all the ingredients together on a well-worn high school football field, then serve it to a bunch of sweaty offensive linemen. Note that they will likely suffer gastrointestinal issues, because no lineman can fully contain fettucine Alzado.

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