Matt Bullard, 1997-98 Upper Deck (Halloween Week 2012 No. 3)

Name: Matt Bullard, feat. Mario Elie, Eddie Johnson and Clyde Drexler
Team: Ghoul-ston Rockets
Position: Forward
Fright value of card: Two open Pixy Stix
Key 1997-98 splat: Ate 70 percent of his kids' Halloween candy
Trick or, well, not treat: We don't have the words for how nonsensical this card is. Not only did Upper Deck decorate the set in a Halloween motif, they figured they should bring in three other players just for this photo. They even included an ear of dried corn on the floor. However, us investigative types at the Bust discovered that this was not the most absurd setting proposed by the folks at UD for this shoot. Here are a few of the ideas Matt Bullard turned down:
  • Bullard and Rockets coach Rudy Tomjanovich drinking milkshakes in the team whirlpool
  • Bullard and teammate Othella Harrington playing a game of Othello while dressed in costumes from the Shakespeare play "Othello"
  • Bullard and teammate Hakeem Olajuwon shirtless, riding horses bareback on a beach in Mexico
  • Bullard and teammate Charles Barkley eating all the candy in that bag. (Note: This was actually Barkley's idea.)
Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp.



Tom Rathman, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 2)

Name: Tom "Psycho" Rathman
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Fullback
Fright value of card: Zero cents, zero sense
Key 1993 splat: 32 seconds to change into costume and apply makeup
It's time for an oh-so-scary pop quiz:

What's the most frightening thing about this card?

(A) The utter lack of imagination that went into this costume.
(B) The helmet brain on what appears to be a zombie, which means "Psycho" would try to eat his own head.
(C) The flawed logic of B.
(D) The rainbow-themed scarf and wristbands. (Oh, you said "frightening"? We thought you said "fab-u-lous."
(E) Baby hand! Ahh!
(F) We'd say "all of the above" like usual, but it's E. Definitely E. Ahhhhhh!


Jesse Tuggle, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 1)

Name: Jesse Tuggle, aka "Tarantula"
Team: Atlanta Fal-guns
Positions: Linebacker, giant spider
Fright value of card: Bug guts
Key 1994 splat: Eight legs, zero hands
It's another spook-tacular Halloween Week! Up until now, the Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron cards we've featured have ranged from nonsensical to emasculating. Some of them could even be called obscene. But never have they been scary. At first, we thought this was another bit of silliness to be mocked without fear. Then we looked at Jesse Tuggle's face. Whether that's a mask or makeup, it's enough to give us the willies. Of course, then we think about the word "Tuggle" and snicker to ourselves a little.


Jim McMahon, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 8)

Name: Jim McMahon
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Gagging on the douche-osity of it all
Key 1991 stat: Wore Zubaz the other 364 days that year, too
Fun facts about quarterback Jim McMahon and the teams he played for in his career:
  • The teams of BYU, where McMahon played his college ball, are called the Cougars. Jim McMahon has spent time with other cougars, as well.
  • The 1986 Chicago Bears had a big-time defense. Jim McMahon was a big-time d-bag.
  • Those '86 Bears had only one blemish on their record       a loss to the Dolphins. McMahon is using his jacket to cover up the only blemish on his T-shirt, where he spilled some tuna salad.
  • The 1991 Philadelphia Eagles knocked off the eventual Super Bowl champ Redskins in Week 17. McMahon's "Rolex" watch was also a knock-off.
  • The 1993 Minnesota Vikings played nine of their games inside domes. McMahon wore those obnoxious sunglasses the whole time anyway.



Dennis Lamp, 1989 Donruss

Name: Dennis Lamp
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six burnt-out light bulbs
Key 1988 stat: 16-pound mustache
Time for a comparative pop quiz:

What's the difference between Dennis Lamp and a lamp?

(A) Sometimes, a lamp is on.
(B) A lamp always wears lampshades, not just at parties.
(C) A lamp is an inanimate object without a personality.
(D) A lamp doesn't show up to work looking like the hobo the other hobos threw off the train car because of his grooming habits, or lack thereof.
(E) All of the above, minus C.


Tony Brackens, 1996 Donruss (Football Friday No. 139)

Name: Tony Brackens
Team: Jacksonville Jaguars
Position: Defensive (rear) end
Value of card: As many dollars as there are fans in the stadium
Key 1995 stat: Four Jaguar luxury cars bought after contract signing
Jaguars' scouting report on rookie Tony Brackens: "We don't want a giant human being with dimples, so thumbs-down. ... We need a guy who can grow a full mustache, so thumbs-down. ... We need a guy who doesn't like playing in an empty stadium, so thumbs-down. ... We want a guy who isn't afraid to show his teeth in a photo, so thumbs-down. ... We seem to have a guy who just got his thumb prints taken at police headquarters, so ... yeah ... you got it."


Pete Incaviglia, 1989 Donruss

Name: Pete Incaviglia
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Outfield, chewing tobacco pitchman
Value of card: $1.99 for a can of Kodiak Wintergreen
Key 1988 stat: 14,097 chews taken
Advertisement for Kodiak chewing tobacco, circa 1989: "Hey, sports fans. I'm Pete Incaviglia, a major league slugger with a major league hankering for some Carolina-grown chewing tobacco. And when I want a hefty chew with bite, I reach for Kodiak, America's favorite fiberglass-flavored chewing tobacco. Hitting a curveball may be hard, but grabbing a Kodiak is easy. Just head to the store, throw down two bucks, stuff a massive lipper in your gums, and put the can in your back pocket. Because remember, sports fans, when you want a chew with bite, grab the bear; it belongs on your butt."


Tom Hume, 1987 Topps

Name: Tom Hume
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 2 ounces of palm sweat
Key 1986 stat: 3 square feet of eyeglasses
Here's what Tom "Toxic" Hume stands for:

This photo appears to have been taken at a municipal park
Obsessed with keeping the baseball warm at all times
Maroon: Good description for the color of the uniform and the man himself

Hard to tell whether that's stubble, shadow or dirt under his chin
Upturned nose resembles a pig's
Metric ton of glass on his face
Electric stuff       not his fastball, the gear for his ham radio hobby


John Rocker, 2001 Topps

Name: John Rocker
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Closer
Value of card: 3 ounces of Rocker's spit wiped off Mets fans' faces
Key 2000 stat:  4,911 inappropriate remarks
The quotable closer: John Rocker was considered a racist, homophobe, sexist and all-around scumbag, but few knew the real John Rocker. A few little-known quotes from the closer, circa 2001:
  • "Do I hate Mets fans? Quite the contrary, sir. I see a parallel between their admiration for their team and my admiration for an impassioned fan base."
  • "Homosexuals are human beings just like the rest of us. In fact, I don't think what people do in the bedroom is anyone else's business."
  • "Some of my best friends are Jewish."
  • "No, no, no. Let me clear the air here. I love Randall Simon. He's a superb human being and I'd consider making him the godfather for my children. When I called him a 'fat monkey,' I meant 'phat,' with a PH, and who doesn't love monkeys? I know I do."
  • "I say open the borders. We're talking about people here. Real people, not aliens."
  • "Bud Selig is like the father I never had."
  • "'We all came from a woman, got our name from a woman, and our game from a woman. I wonder why we take from our women, why we rape our women. Do we hate our women?' Of course, I must credit the ultra-talented Tupac Shakur for those words. He was quite talented, wasn't he?" 
  • "I wholeheartedly believe we should rename our team the Atlanta Native Americans. Now that would be brave."
  • "I've been thinking about wearing a turban for religious reasons."



Ken Grundt, 1991 Pro Cards

Name: Ken Grundt
Team: Everett Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 26 diamonds (cut out from this card)
Key 1990 stat: Zero buttons on jersey
Giants' scouting report on minor league pitcher Ken Grundt: "We've been watching this guy play for seven decades. Still nothing. ... Grundt puts the 'ex' in 'experience.' ... The bad news: He can't pitch. The good news: He tells great World War II stories. ... When he started pitching for us, we were still the New York Giants. ... If we don't have a place for him in the bullpen we might need to put him in a home ... Surprising he's not better with such a smooth name like 'Ken Grundt.' ... Pretty impressive stats when it comes to opening tuna cans with his teeth. ... Best butt chin in our organization, bar none. ... Interesting fact: He actually founded the town of Everett. ... Might be worth keeping around if only to get the inside track on his 17-year-old grandson."


Franco Harris, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 7)

Names: Franco Harris, unnamed child
Teams: Pittsburgh Steelers, O'Deas Valley Preschool
Positions: Fullback (retired), covered in own spit-up (always)
Value of card: One used Binky
Key 1990 stat: One birth, one beard
It's time for a man-vs.-child version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Childlike look in the eye (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Child's carefree attitude about grooming (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: No resemblance to a modern-day football player (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Tooth under pillow for tooth fairy (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Completely awestruck by a bunch of balloons (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Needs to, ahem, be changed (Winner: Tie)

Score: Harris 0, unnamed child 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: One was an old man, the other a tiny baby, but deep down, these two were more alike than different, which was reinforced by Harris and the unnamed child both wearing white onesies.


Juan Pierre, 2003 Fleer Tradition

Name: Juan Pierre
Team: Colorado Rockies Florida Marlins®
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's not worth trading for
Key 2002 stat: Bunted a lot
Great moments in card design: Not too long ago, we highlighted the most boring card set ever produced. Apparently, card designers didn't learn much in the 13 years between that set and this one. Take a bow, Fleer. While the excessive white border is truly thrilling and the program-default sans serif font captures the eye, what really gives this card life (aside from Juan Pierre's mustache) is the dramatic, yellow "TRADED" diamond jutting up into the player's knee. I'm sure that giant block of random color seemed like a good idea at the time       actually, no, I'm not sure of that at all, because it's absolutely hideous. Congrats, Fleer, you've ruined yellow for everyone once again.



Alvin Harper, 1994 Topps Tools of the Game (Football Friday No. 138)

Name: Alvin Harper
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: One piece of sandpaper, smoothed and burned
Key 1994 stat: Fifth-best Cowboy offensive threat
Saddle up for a pop quiz: Which tools did some of the early '90s Dallas Cowboys use best?

A) Mirrors
B) Razor blades
C) Rolled-up $100 bills
D) Scales
E) All of the above

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com


Ron Coomer, 2001 Topps

Name: Ron "Coom Dawg" Coomer
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Third base
Value of card: Fleas
Key 2000 stat: 48 chew toys destroyed
Fun facts about the bluetick coonhound and this blue-clad Coom Dawg:
  • The bluetick coonhound is known for its keen sense of smell. The Coom Dawg was known for smelling like fried cheese.
  • The bluetick coonhound is muscular and speedy. The Coom Dawg was the exact opposite of that.
  • The bluetick coonhound's paws are larger than those of almost all other dog breeds. The Coom Dawg's gut was larger than that of almost all other professional athletes.
  • The bluetick coonhound needs lots of exercise to stay happy. The Coom Dawg's favorite "exercise" was shotgunning a beer.
  • The bluetick coonhound is excellent around families and children. The Coom Dawg frightened families and children.
  • The bluetick coonhound is known to greet strangers by howling at them and then sniffing them incessantly. So is the Coom Dawg.



Mark Dewey, 1995 Mother's Cookies

Name: Mark Dewey
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 11 cookie crumbs
Key 1994 stat: 14 trysts with the Cookie Monster
How do you make a Mark Dewey? Mark Dewey was a special player, and the 1995 Mother's Cookies set was a special set. When these two come together, you get a recipe for disaster.

The Mark Dewey
2 pounds unwashed mullet hair
15 ounces bent baseball cap
11 ounces arm fuzz
3 repeating Mizuno logos
2 elf ears
0 pitching talent

Mix ingredients on a mediocre team in an empty stadium. Let sit on the bench for 162 games. Spit out cookies. Throw in garbage. Repeat.


Dave Schmidt, 1987 Topps

Name: Dave Schmidt
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Relief pitcher
Value of card: One not-quite-white sock from Goodwill
Key 1986 stat: 419 bouts of gas pain
It's time once again to choose your own adventure: You are Dave Schmidt, a reliever for the Chicago White Sox. It's the second inning of a game at Detroit, and you're not feeling so hot, thanks to those two beef 'n' bean burritos you scored from the 7-Eleven for lunch. The pressure is greater than anything you've ever faced on the mound during your unremarkable career, and just when you think you're about to pass out, you instead pass gas       an incredible silent but violent bomb that brings you great relief but will soon have nearby teammates scrambling for the clubhouse. What do you do next?

To sit back knowingly and smirk like a bastard, look at the card above and then click here.
To admit responsibility and apologize to your colleagues, click here.
To flee the scene of the crime and microwave another burrito, click here.


Jon Lieber, 1992 Front Row

Name: Jon Lieber
Team: University of South Alabama Jaguars
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A seat in the worst Front Row of all time
Key 1992 stat: Shiniest skin in Dixieland
Kansas City Royals scouting report on their 1992 second-round draft choice, Jon Lieber: "Are we sure this kid is 22? He looks more like 12. ... This guy makes a red belt look professional, and that's just hard to find. ... When asked what he'd like to play five years from now, he said starter, reliever, or 'Free Bird.' So, yeah. ... The kid's good at putting up chain-link, and that always comes in handy. ... We're going to need to work on his breaking pitches, as well as his complexion. ... I've never seen a person drink so much Mountain Dew without throwing up. ... The team psychic predicted that this guy will win 20 games for the Cubs some day. Ha! Like that could ever happen."


Don Warren, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 6)

Name: Don Warren
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Tight end (Right, ladies?)
Value of card: Even trade for three rides on a kiddie carousel outside the grocery store
Key 1990 stat: 78 pieces of clothing featuring a racist logo
Don Warren's train of thought from 10:12 to 10:14 a.m. Sunday, Sept. 16, 1990: "Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Ball go high! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee!"


Charlie Manuel, 2001 Topps

Name: Charlie Manuel
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Manager
Value of card: A dab of jock itch cream
Key 2000 stat: Never heard of the Y2K bug
Let's not be rash: The Cleveland Indians dugout took a turn for the gross in 2000 when skipper Charlie Manuel came down with a case of tinea cruris, better known as jock itch. While it was unfortunate enough that the manager was constantly clawing at his nether regions, it took almost a week for the team to figure out that Manuel was not, in fact, giving the all-too-similar bunt sign to every batter who stepped to the plate. The Tribe went winless that week, but both team and manager soon found relief when the head trainer handed Manuel an anti-fungal cream.


Steve Young, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 137)

Name: Steve Young
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Less than the cloud above Mr. Young
Key 1996 stat: Way too happy
It's a Pop Warner quiz: What's No. 8 doing in this photo?

A) Exhibiting the symptoms of his latest concussion
B) Being deranged and trying to assault the cameraman with a poison-tipped football
C) Trying desperately to get out of this terrible card
D) Trying desperately to get out of Joe Montana's shadow
E) C and D

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com


Ryan Rupe, 2000 Upper Deck Victory

Name: Ryan Rupe
Team: Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One sting from a devil ray
Key 1999 stat: 4.55 ERA (hey, it was the best he ever posted)
Questions and answers: Which of these facts about this card is most surprising?

A) Ryan Rupe and "victory" are mentioned so close together.
B) Ryan Rupe had a reason to tip his cap to the crowd
C) Ryan Rupe played pro ball even though he didn't know how to put on a glove
D) Upper Deck thought we wanted a second, tighter photo of this schmoe
E) All of the abovce



Calvin Schiraldi, 1990 Topps

Name: Calvin Schiraldi
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: An old disposable camera with no film left
Key 1989 stat: It wasn't 1986
Time for a rant: Hey, nice photo here, Topps. It's amazing you were able to get this picture considering that it looks like the stadium behind him was being vaporized. Or was the horrendous background exposure your way of keeping Calvin Schiraldi's location a secret, confounding any Red Sox fans who might have wanted to take revenge on the losing pitcher of Games 6 and 7 of the '86 World Series? If so, that's fine work, because it's barely even possible to tell that this is a ball field. But, hey, at least you got a great shot of Schiraldi himself. What, you couldn't find more brown shirts to swaddle this guy with? Did you even tell him it was photo day ahead of time? The poor S.O.B. looks like he just woke up on the locker room floor after a night of shooting cherry-flavored vodka with Eric Show. Card collectors everywhere must have been really proud to acquire this gem.


Florida Marlins, 2001 Topps

Name: Florida Marlins
Team: See above
Positions: All of them
Value of card: 3 pounds of rotting fish guts
Key 2000 stat: 4,400 night crawlers
The 2000 Florida Marlins, By the Numbers:

42: Players and coaches on this card
41: Players and coaches on this card who aren't a child who snuck into the photo (We're looking at you, Mr. Bottom Row, Far Left)
23: Players and coaches who had fished
33: Players who smelled like fish
41: Players posing respectfully
1: Player suggestively covering his junk with his hands (third row, fourth from right)
50: Years of Topps cards
50,000: Topps cards better than this one


Matt Williams, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Matt Williams
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: A black void of value
Key 1991 stat: 3,212 conversations with himself
A Giant introduction: "Well, hello. I didn't notice you there. Did you notice me? I thought so. Yeah, I'm just kicking back, relaxing, catching some rays under this blindingly bright light. You ever smell arm hair singed from above? Now you have. By the way, how do you like my jersey? Is it meshy enough for ya? Yes, I know. It's so holy in belongs in a synagogue. What's that? You think I should have shaved before this photo shoot? Pfft. I don't live by other people's conventions. That's why I'm sitting here, posing, with my jock strap outside my pants. You're welcome."


J.T. Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 5)

Name: J.T. Smith
Team: Phoenix Cardinals
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Half off gravity
Key 1991 stat: Unable to jump this high
Time for a shameful pop quiz: What's veteran receiver J.T. Smith doing in this photo?

A) Showing off his supersized jungle gym
B) Must. Stay. Off. The lava!!!
C) Trying to do a better job of defying gravity than he did of defying age
D) Making a damn fool of himself
E) C and D


Israel Sanchez, 1989 Donruss

Name: Israel Sanchez
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 agora (smallest denomination of Israeli currency)
Key 1988 stat: Two red eyes not completely Photoshopped out of image
"Israel Sanchez" sounds like a pseudonym; 10 other pseudonyms this guy might have used:
10) Guatemala Gonzalez
9) Fiji Ruiz
8) Mexico Munoz
7) Chile Rodriguez
6) Zimbabwe Salazar
5) Croatia Ortega
4) China Chavez
3) United States of America Martinez
2) Palestinian Territories Perez
1) Chad


Bob Griese, 1981 Topps (Football Friday No. 136)

Name: Bob Griese
Teams: Miami Dolphins, "Revenge of the Nerds" movie cast
Position: Dorky quarterback
Value of card: 12,321 x 876 / 14 + 1,298 - 716 x 0 = 0
Key 1980 stat: Don't get this dweeb started on stats
10 things Bob Griese said the day this photo was taken:
10) "Hold your horses, cowboy, (laugh snort) and let me calculate the yardage (laugh snort)."
9) "Have you ever heard of a paper Dolphin?"
8) "I don't really see myself as an athlete. Actually, I can't really see at all."
7) "OK, I'll cut the crap and give Grandma her glasses back."
6) "No, you listen. I want a phallic microphone on the card because I'm going to be an announcer."
5) "So, we put on these helmets for a 'Pokemon' tourney?"
4) "What do you mean I've been CTRL-Alt-Del? Is that some kind of crack?"
3) "Gee whiz, what is this brown, oblong object the muscular gentleman just threw at me?"
2) "The last part of my pads that I put on is my pocket protector."
1) "Man, these glasses sure are Griese."

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp


Enos Cabell, 1987 Fleer

Name: Enos Cabell
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: Two used, sopping-wet-with-sweat wristbands
Key 1986 stat: 320 gray hairs
Here's what Enos Cabell stands for:

Enos, Enos? Really?
Never mind the standard acrostic; this dude's name is hilarious
Oh, man; what were his parents thinking?
Should have gone by his middle name: Milton

C'mon, Milton? Enos Milton? This poor dude
All his childhood friends must have had a field day
Beatings must have come often
Even this guy would laugh at this name
Laugh all you want, he's made more money than you have
Losers make fun of a guy's name, you talentless hacks, Enos says


Domingo Ramos, 1988 Topps

Name: Domingo Ramos
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Infielder
Value of card: 6 ounces of El Glo de Soul (Latin-themed version of the popular Soul Glo)
Key 1987 stat: 14 sticks of eye black used (under eyes and in hair)
Domingo Ramos is a long name, so his teammates came up with nicknames. Here they are:
  • Lunes Ramos
  • Martes Ramos
  • Miercoles Ramos 
  • Jueves Ramos
  • Viernes Ramos
  • Sabado Ramos
  • Sunday Ramos



Tony Fernandez, 1989 Donruss

Name: Tony Fernandez
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 12 dried maple leaves, crumbled into powder
Key 1988 stat: 217 batting stances tried
It's time for a north-of-the-border pop quiz:

What's Tony Fernandez's name for his batting stance?

(A) The All-Wrong Right Angles
(B) The Skinny and Dip
(C) The Bulge First, Batting Average Second
(D) The Toronto Seizure
(E) The Tiny Wrist Blitz
(F) The Churn-Nandez
(G) The Chicken Leg Convulsion Propulsion
(H) All of the above


Dave Weathers, 1993 Topps

Name: Dave Weathers
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 11 fish bones, regurgitated
Key 1992 stat: 365 weather forecasts watched
10 "Weathers" descriptions during this photo shoot:
10) "Cloudy with a chance of ineptitude"
9) "Overcast ... as a decent pitcher"
8) "Mock turtleneck weather"
7) "Looks like rain; smells like fish"
6) "Rain with glimpses of blinding teal"
5) "Whiteout condition"
4) "It's raining cats, dogs and eyebrows out there"
3) "Showers — intermittent as best"
2) "Driving bangs across the forehead"
1) "Ugly out there"