Name: Darren Daulton
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Value of card: One soiled towel
Key 1993 stat: Zero appreciation of art
A literal interpretation of this candy-colored illustration: Darren Daulton, who refused to ever take off his catcher's gear or cut his hair, takes a break from his side job wiping down tiny bar stools in the land of Westeros to soothe his aching feet in a crumbling block of feta cheese while clouds of poisonous gas hover over the Matterhorn.
Name: Matt Williams
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: It looks like a zero and a 9 on the left side of the card, so we'll say .09 cents
Key 1993 stat: 479 buildings climbed and smashed
It's time for a monster pop quiz:
How did Godzilla-size Matt Williams' rampage change San Francisco?
(A) He ate part of Golden Gate Park, and then barfed all over the Bay Bridge, turning it green and purple.
(B) He rearranged the skyline, seen above, so it doesn't match reality.
(C) He threw his massive glove in San Francisco Bay and caused a tsunami that sunk the Ferry Building and Coit Tower.
(D) He picked up and moved the Bay Bridge, forcing it to divert cars onto a soccer field.
(E) He farted purple clouds of pollution.
(F) He tore rectangular, tinted windows off the Transamerica Pyramid and used them as sunglasses.
(G) All of the above.
Name: Tony Gwynn
Team: San Diego Padres
Value of card: Three tabs of acid (hence what you're seeing)
Key 1993 stat: One long, strange trip
10 mixed messages one could interpret from this card:
10) Once you make the Hall of Fame, you're whisked away to a hallucinogenic wonderland.
9) Gwynn's head is so big it has its own orbiting satellites.
8) San Diego is full of bright-orange skies, boats, palm trees and a giant net that for no explainable reason covers part of the night sky.
7) Gwynn is a wizard ... make that a priest ... make that a pinstriped Jedi.
6) If that's a halo formed by baseballs, there's a certain team in Anaheim that should have a Hall of Famer on its roster.
5) Gwynn believed in religion, but not as much as he believed in mock turtlenecks.
4) Baseball's rules, regulations, sayings and secrets are kept in a bible — a blank one
3) Gwynn was the first gay-rights-promoting baseball player.
2) Fleer made ugly batting gloves.
1) Drugs can get you a job painting pictures for baseball cards.
Name: John Olerud
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: First base
Value of card: No number could represent such a low value
Key 1993 stat: See above
Let's take a look at John Olerud, By the Numbers, clockwise, from top left:
.270: Average with two outs, one ball, two strikes, in the fifth inning, on blustery days, in Toronto, in the second week of the month, with the opposing pitcher chewing tobacco
Uh, 00? Times taking the field without a batting helmet
Let's go with 8: Pounds of batting gloves worn
Maybe that's an 87: Percentage of teammates who made fun of him for wearing a helmet on the field
.2 ... uh: Percentage of collectors who didn't throw this card in the trash
.209: Average with ladies in scoring position
.39: Percentage of underwear drawer that featured Blue Jays logos
.298: Percentage of the unexplainable lake behind him filled with Moosehead, Toronto's favorite beer
.3: Percentage of Olerud filled with Moosehead, Toronto's favorite beer
.278: Batting average while making a stupid face
There goes that run of interpretable numbers, so, um, 80? Times he forgot to toss bat before running to first base
369: Numbers on this card
.301: Who cares? That's enough stats, for helmet's sake
Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Catcher, actor
Value of card: 12 fireworks duds
Key 1993 stat: 26 red-carpet treatments
Welcome to Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week: The glitz. The glamour. The gastronomical pains. Yes, we're giving you seven days of some of the brightest and most pastel-iest baseball cards ever printed, and this Fleer subset promises not to disappoint. Get ready to see why these 1994 cards put the "ill" in "illustration."
Mike Piazza is sooo Hollywood. Here are some of the Hollywood movies in which he has starred:
- "The Catcher in the Sty"
- "Crouching Catcher, Hidden Italian"
- "The Dream Catcher (If You Don't Mind Terrible Defense)"
- "Six Goatees of Separation"
- "L.A. Story: Another Losing Season"
- "West Sideburns Story"
Name: Randy Ready
Team: San Diego Padres
Value of card: Get "ready" for it — nothing!
Key 1987 stat: 16 real padres beaten with his "faith stick"
Ready? It's time for another pop quiz:
So, what was Randy "ready" for?
(A) Bulge contests.
(B) Swing Like an Idiot Day
(C) The Short Leg Finals.
(D) The bench.
(E) The Name Olympics.
(F) Another losing Padres season.
(G) All of the above.
Name: Pat Sheridan
Team: Detroit Tigers
Value of card: 14 drops of tiger
Key 1986 stat: Four sides of faux woodgrain in one of Topps' greatest sets ever
Conversation between Pat Sheridan and a young fan, Sept. 18, 1986:
Young fan: "Hey, mister. Can you sign my program?"
Pat Sheridan: "Sure, kid. Let me see that."
YF: "Thanks, mister!"
PS: "Wait a cotton-picking second here. This isn't a program."
YF: "Just sign it. Just sign it."
PS: "This is a Detroit-area Auto Trader from 1984. I'm not signing this."
YF: "Please, please, mister. It'll be a collector's item. Sign it next to that Pinto."
PS: "Pinto? Why a Ford Pinto?"
YF: "Well, mister, I believe, decades from today, that a subculture of young people who are transfixed with irony and 1980s cliches will rise up from the middle 50 percent of the nation's small, private liberal arts colleges and spend, spend, spend on baseball-slash-automotive kitsch that smartly matches a clunker of a car with, well ... you understand, right?"
PS: "I'm going to go ahead and make this out to Dirtbreath."
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: The same as Jackson's visor, cracked down the middle
Key 1994 stat: 15,933 groin touches through hand warmer
Michael Jackson's "Bad," rewritten for this Michael Jackson:
Your coverage is fine, can't fake you right / Gonna drop this pass in broad daylight
I'm telling you, I've got no wheels / Gonna hurt fans' minds; please don't shoot to kill
Gonna run my route on the count of three / Throw me the ball, and it's incomplete
I'm telling you, I've got bad hands / My coach is pissed, says I should be canned
Well they say the sky's the limit
But for me that's just not true
Browns fans you ain't seen nothing
Gonna really make you boo
Because I'm bad, I'm bad, come on
You know I'm bad, I'm bad, don't throw it
You know I'm bad, I'm bad, come on
And the QB is yelling at me right now
Just to tell me once again, I'm bad
Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com
Name: Harold Reynolds
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Second base
Value of card: Rusty chain-link fencing
Key 1988 stat: Could flip those shades like no one's business
Video dating service profile for Harold Reynolds, circa 1989:
Height: 5' 11 7/8"
Hair: Party in the back
Relationship status: Open, if you know what I mean
Want children? Only if I open a sweatshop
Best feature: Smoothest mustache this side of Mount Rainier
Religious views: God wants this mustache
Smoke? Well, Vancouver's right next door, after all ...
Drink? Only after losses. So, a lot.
Seeking: Someone to hug without it becoming a misunderstanding
Her body type: Well endowed
Her ethnicity: Human
Location: Some place where it doesn't rain as much
Reynolds' video introduction transcript: "Hi ladies, you may recognize me as the second baseman for your Seattle Mariners
Names: Kevin Bass, at left, and Billy Hatcher
Team: Houston Astros
Value of card: 50 cents off a new printing press for Topps
Key 1987 stat: Led the way to mediocrity
Are you ready to rumble? Too bad, we're doing a Matchup anyway.
Round 1: Fishy name (Winner: Bass)
Round 2: Fishier eyebrows (Winner: Bass)
Round 3: 3-inch-thick mustache (Winner: Bass)
Round 4: Hit .300 at some point in his career (Winner: Bass)
Round 5: Hit on more ladies at Houston-area tavern The Rusty Rocket (Winner: Bass)
Round 6: Happier to be touching his teammate's shoulder (Winner: Bass)
Round 7: Looks like a normal human being (Winner: Hatcher)
Final score: Bass 6, Hatcher 1
Synopsis: The 1987 Houston Astros finished 10 games under .500, but Kevin Bass still manages to walk away a winner in this Matchup. Hatcher swipes a late category to avoid the sweep, but in the end Bass's victory was even more dominant than his lip-warmer.
Name: Al Martin (apparently)
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Value of card: As many pennies as there are letters in his first name
Key 1995 stat: No extra room in uniform
Maybe we don't want to know: What's the most impressive thing about Al Martin on this card?
A) His shiny leather jersey
B) How tight those uniform pants fit. Goodness, gracious.
C) The perfect phallic placement of his bat (This answer is correct if you're 14 years old)
D) All those luxurious spaces between his two names
E) OK, it's C even if you're not 14
Name: Glenn Williams
Teams: Atlanta Braves, Team Canberra
Position: Third base
Value of card: In Australian dollars, still nothing
Key 1993 stat: Constantly astounded at how the toilets swirl the other way here
The Bust cookbook: Here's how to create your own Glenn Williams international flavor.
1 lb. kangaroo tongue
3 tbsp. grated wristband
4 oz. shaved dramatic eyebrow
1 1/2 cups sweat from a baseball uniform worn in the Atlanta July humidity
1 oz. Nutella
1 bat doughnut
Overpay for all ingredients, then combine them in a pine tar-stained catcher's mitt and stir with your hands for 3 minutes. Simmer in a greasy pot over medium-high heat 15 minutes or until fetid. Then cut your losses and send it to Minnesota. The dish will never be hot; you'll know it's done when it's bitter and disappointing.
Name: Wiki Gonzalez
Team: San Diego Padres
Value of card: You tell us
Key 2000 stat: Scored a run against the Cubs (shocking, we know)
You know this has got to be another Wiki Entry, where we copy a Wikipedia entry and make a few key changes (in red): Wiki Gonzalez
Name: David Hulse
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Value of card: It's probably written on this atrocity of a card somewhere
Key 1994 stat: 1,994 brews drank
Nice work, Fleer: For its 1995 Update subset, the design geniuses at Fleer decided to take a lot of information usually saved for the back of the card and move it
Name: Lawrence Taylor
Team: New York Giants
Value of card: Getting hit by Lawrence Taylor
Key 1991 stat: Made at least 16 quarterbacks cry
A literal translation of the artwork on this card: Lawrence Taylor, having been covered in flour by coach Bill Parcells who demanded Taylor bake him cookies, stands in front of a large concrete wall while fighting through a stomach cramp caused by eating a bad microwave burrito from the corner 7-Eleven. He must have left his helmet in his car, but he put enough gel in his hair this morning to keep it looking fresh even when he's not.
Name: Kevin Maas
Team: New York Yankees
Positions: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: No mas
Key 1992 stat: 12 square feet of moss growing in his backyard
Sometimes, you got to live Maas:
- Ask this man if his uniform is tight enough. Maas, he replies.
- Ask this man if an obscene amount of eye black is plenty. Maas, he replies.
- Ask this man if he has done enough forearm exercises. Maas, he replies.
- Ask this man if he needs a bigger cup. Maas, he replies.
- Ask this man if his last name in block letters above his head is big enough. Maas, he replies.
- Ask this man if an out-of-frame catcher should ruin another baseball card. Maas, he replies.
- Ask this man if his 23rd Taco Bell Chalupa is his last. Maas, he replies.
Name: Ron Tingley
Team: Cleveland Indians
Value of card: 14 spent matches
Key 1988 stat: .324 burrito-eating average
It's time for another pop quiz:
Just what made Ron all "Tingley" inside?
(A) His full-body mesh underwear.
(B) Gigantic racist logos on his head.
(C) Getting incredibly too close to a female Topps photographer.
(D) Two — just two — wafts of his golden bangs gently teasing his forehead.
(E) Staring at his Caucasian-colored mustache in the mirror.
(F) All of the above.
Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Value of card: Cat hair
Key 1991 stat: Dressed to the nines (minus eight)
Excerpt from early-'90s "MTV Cribs" forerunner "MTV Pads": "Hi, I'm Jose Canseco, and welcome to 'MTV Pads.' We're going to start today in my driveway so I can show off my sweetest new acquisition, this white Corvette convertible. I have to be at the ballpark almost every day, and I've found it's best to arrive in style. That's why, after I get there, I like to sit on the corner of the car door frame in my acid-wash Hammer pants and ripped-midriff sweatshirt
Name: Alvaro Espinoza
Team: New York Yankees
Value of card: Three used toothpicks
Key 1989 stat: Zero manly swings taken
What does Alvaro Espinoza stand for?
Alarming amount of sky in this photo
Leftover pork rinds still in mustache
Verbatim statement from hitting instructor: "You look like a midwife holding a mop handle"
Athletic stance? Try the opposite
Rims around glasses holding together windshields
Outstanding decision to choose this photo for the card set
Eyebrow mustache looks pretty good ...
Slithering over his face like a caterpillar
Pockmarks on jersey resemble pockmarks on face
Itsy-bitsy bat is adorable
Never was one to pose gracefully
Only .206 hitter to wear batting gloves and wristbands
Zebra stripes on uniform are quite slimming
Altostratus clouds are the only redeeming quality of this card
Card submitted by Omar Zazueta
Name: Alvin Kraenzlein
Medal count: 4 gold
Value of card: A spoonful of paste
Key 1900 stat: 41 splinters from hurdles
Closing ceremony: After today, all the medals will have been handed out, all the anthems will have been played, and one thing will remain clear: Michael Phelps sure is one sexy stoner. But some things about the above photo are not so clear. For instance:
- Why does Alvin Kraenzlein have a woman's haircut?
- Why is he running the hurdles in the middle of the Rocky Mountains?
- Is he wearing shorts, pants, or some sort of skin-tight unitard?
- Why is he wearing leather slippers at a track meet?
- Is he the only competitor? Where are the other hurdles?
- How did they have Photoshop in 1900?
Name: Jackie Joyner-Kersee
Events: Heptathlon and long jump
Medal count: 3 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze (in four different Olympics!)
Value of card: Seven grains of salt
Key 1992 stat: 24 mispronunciations of the word "discus"
Lucky number seven: Jackie Joyner-Kersee was an American badass in the heptathlon, setting a still-standing record at the 1988 Summer Games. But she didn't stop at seven events, oh no; here are some others in which she dominated the world:
SeoulSoul singing while throwing a javelin
- Pillow fighting
- Lawn darts
- Shotgunning an Old Milwaukee
- Olympic Family Feud
Name: Greg Louganis
Medal count: One silver in 1976, two golds in 1984, two golds in 1988
Value of card: 6 ounces of chlorine
Key 1988 stat: One eight-pack
It's time for a medal-losing pop quiz:
What dive is Greg Louganis about to execute?
(A) 2½ Bulge
(B) Reverse Hairless Wonder with a Twist
(C) El Speedo Burrito
(D) 512 Reverse Head Banger
(E) The 10-Meter Peter
(F) None of the above
Name: Ralph Boston
Medal count: One gold in 1960, one silver in 1964, one bronze in 1968
Value of card: 16 grains of sand
Key 1960 stat: Zero photographs of this mystery man's face
The Boston massacre: Oh, my god! Help him! Somebody, anybody! Help! Ralph Boston is sinking. A million sets of eyes are on him in Rome, and he might have leapt his last leap. It's 1960, and Boston is sinking into quicksand. Down he goes, feet first, then his massive calves and muscle-bound thighs. Soon, the bulge will disappear, followed as if on purpose by a giant, phallic No. 1. Then, he'll be forced to watch his own face go under. Grain by grain, it will be a sad day at the Olympics, the day Rome swallowed Boston.
Name: Mary Lou Retton
Medal count: 1 gold, 2 silver, 2 bronze
Value of card: Its value is not recognized in the Eastern Bloc nations. Or anywhere, really.
Key 1984 stat: Upper legs the size of Greek columns
Little Miss Perfect: Mary Lou Retton was America's sweetheart in 1984 after becoming the first woman from the U.S. to win the Olympic gymnastics all-around title. Of course, everyone has secrets. Here are a handful of things that might make you change your opinion about this "innocent" creature:
- In 1983, she found $5 on the ground and didn't turn it in to lost and found
- In middle school, she wrote in some of her textbooks. In ink!
- She has four children, which means she definitely did you-know-what with a boy several times.
- She probably had to kiss a communist or two on the cheek during her career.
- In 1993, she was in an episode of "Baywatch," aka "Smutwatch."
- Well, just look at that outfit!
Name: Thomas Bohrer
Medal count: 2 silver
Value of card: Wet garbage
Key 1992 stat: 147,198 times stroked
Here's what Thomas Bohrer stands for:
Thorough knowledge of the backne on the guy in front of him
Handled a long, wooden shaft with skill and grace
Oiled-up legs distracted the competition
Manly enough to wear a scarf to a race
Appears to be making fart noises with his mouth
Silver medals? This is America. If you're not first, you're a communist.
Bohrer: That's what the ladies said he was in the sack, all right.
Of course, judging from that scarf, maybe that's because he wasn't interested in the ladies
Humorous event name of the day: coxless fours
Rocked the mini-mullet in Barcelona. Classy.
Even he snickered every time somebody said, "Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!"
Really, we're just jealous of his biceps
Name: Andrea Lloyd
Medal count: 1 gold
Value of card: An autographed image of Sideshow Bob
Key 1988 stat: Beat the tar out of some communists
Fun facts about 1988 U.S. Olympic basketball gold medalist Andrea Lloyd and the nation of Cuba, the nation she's playing against in this photo:
- Cuba has a large number of palm trees. Andrea Lloyd's hair looks like a palm tree.
- Cuba is not known for treating journalists kindly. Andrea Lloyd would probably like to punch this photographer in the neck.
- One of Cuba's top resources is nickel. This Andrea Lloyd card is worth less than a nickel.
- Cuba has been under the control of one family since the late 1950s. That's about the time Andrea Lloyd's knee brace was made.
- Some people travel to Cuba to have cheap dentistry work done. Hint, hint, Andrea Lloyd.
Name: John Naber
Medal count: 4 gold, 1 silver
Value of card: It's not clear
Key 1976 stat: Photographers unable to take horizontal photos
They call him The Streak: John Naber won four gold medals at the 1976 Summer Games, all in world record times. But just how fast was he?
- John Naber was so fast, cameras were unable to capture him in focus.
- He was so fast, even his sideburns couldn't keep up with him.
- He was so fast, this card could only show him from the waist up because his suit was falling off.
- He was so fast, he couldn't keep his mouth closed.
- He was so fast, he didn't have time to spell "neighbor" properly.
- John Naber was so dang fast, he could swim the English Channel, the Panama Canal and the Mississippi River in the time it takes you to wash your hands. You do wash your hands, don't you? Heathen.
Name: Bruce Jenner
Medal count: One gold in Montreal
Value of card: Seven flakes of Wheaties
Key 1976 stat: Two sharp-looking sideburns
It's time for a medal-winning pop quiz:
From what was Bruce Jenner running?
(F) This guy
Name: Frank Shorter
Medal count: One gold in 1972, one silver in 1976
Value of card: Three Barbie dresses
Key 1972 stat: 114 pounds
A manly competition: It was a steamy day in Munich, the streets covered in dust, sweat and the fallen dreams of so many athletes. The gaze of the world beat down as fierce as the sun, breaking most men who dared to seek glory in the refuge of the day. Through the thick air and unrelenting pain rose one man, a runner, but a runner who would never run from anything. Anguished step after anguished step he plowed ahead, an American on German soil. Past one, and then another, he ran. With each lunge millions held their breath, with each heartbeat he strode closer to the ultimate goal that no one, earthly or otherwise, could keep from him: a gold medal in the 1972 Munich Olympic Games' run-like-a-sissy-girl marathon.
Name: Duke Kahanamoku
Medal count: 3 golds, 2 silvers
Value of card: 4 coconuts
Key 1912 stat: 472 women romanced
Duke Kahanamoku's dating profile, circa 1912:
Screen name: hawaiianhunk69
Height: 6 feet (6 feet 2 on surfboard)
Weight: 185 pounds soaking wet
Hair color: Salt-and-pepper
Hairstyle: The wave, obviously
Religious views: Worships the ocean
Marital status: Married to the water
Want children? I have enough
Best feature: C'mon, the tan, obviously
Smoke? The competition
Seeking: Just trying to get laid (Huh, huh, get it?)
Location: The Big Island
Her body type: Hula
Her ethnicity: Hula
About me: Aloha, you know me as the Duke, but I'm the king of Hawaii. I basically created surfing and won gold medals in swimming. I've shown thousands of women paradise while in a tropical paradise. My tan is so deep you can't help but fall in. Come, join me on my surfboard of ecstasy and let me mahalo you all night long.
Name: Bob Beamon
Event: Athletics? Really? How about "track and field," Olympic Cards?
Medal count: 1 gold
Value of card: 3 handfuls of Mexico City dirt
Key 1968 stat: World record long jump of approximately 417.6 feet
10 things Bob Beamon yelled while jumping:
9) OOOOOOOOOOOO BABY!
8) Hola, Ciudad de Mexico!
7) This jump has parted my hair!
6) A.S. U.! Wait! S.U.A.! Wait! U.S.A.!
4) This speed has me so high!
3) Oh em gee!