Name: Rick Cerone
Team: Boston Red Sox
Value of card: 2 gallons of the water siphoned from your bathroom floor by the plumber after your toilet overflowed
Key 1989 stat: 17 "cerones" taken in said bathroom
Catch this true story: Rick Cerone might look like a disgruntled plumber with an amateur boxer's busted nose, but he was so much more. Sure, Cerone played 17 seasons in the big leagues for the Indians, Blue Jays, Yankees, Braves, Brewers, Red Sox, Mets, Expos and the Newark Bears of the independent Atlantic League while compiling 436 RBIs and one helluva mustache. But it was his turn as a recording artist in 1981 that really cemented his place in baseball lore. The song title? Get this: "A Long Run Home." Don't believe us? Click here. Still think we're full of it? Click here. The premise? A Newark baseball player sings about visiting a big-city New York stadium during a snowstorm. Seriously. And the proceeds? According to the liner notes, all proceeds were to go to Italian earthquake victims. Cerone, you working-class hero, take a bow.
Name: Jim Morrison
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Third base
Value of card: 3-pound collar
Key 1981 stat: Not very many hits, musical or otherwise
Name that tune: Which of these bastardized Doors songs best describes baseball player Jim Morrison?
A) Back Door Slider Man
B) The Soft Grounder Parade
C) Five to One, Yankees
D) The Unknown Benched Soldier
E) The End ... of the Inning
Names: Skip Schumaker, Rally Squirrel
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals, American gray squirrels
Positions: Second base and outfield, running across home plate
Value of card: Rabies! Rabies!
Key 2011 stat: Teamed up to torque off Roy Oswalt, Charlie Manuel and pretty much all of Philadelphia
It's an interspecies Matchup:
Round 1: Focus of photograph (Winner: Squirrel)
Round 2: World Series champion (Winner: Schumaker)
Round 3: Cuteness (Winner: Squirrel, though it's close)
Round 4: Cuteness of name (Schumaker, and it's not close)
Round 5: Clear view of subject's face (Winner: Tied at zero)
Round 6: Better chance of having rabies (Winner: Squirrel)
Round 7: Better chance of having rabies, according to Schumaker's ex-girlfriend (Winner: Schumaker)
Round 8: Who's the cuddliest-wuddliest wittle squirrel ever? (Winner: Squirrel)
Final score: Squirrel 4, Schumaker 3 (Ties: 1)
Synopsis: Just as in the card, Skip again gets squeezed out by the Rally Squirrel. Of course, at the end of the 2011 season, Schumaker had won a World Series and the Rally Squirrel had been captured and released into the wild, so Skip can't have that much to complain about.
Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants; Jimmy Dean All-Stars; unknown
Positions: First base, pitchman
Value of card: Two eggs over easy
Key 1990 stat: $650 payday for commercial
A proud tradition: We here at The Bust have fond feelings for Jimmy Dean baseball cards. We remember opening up packages of frozen sausages and pulling out cards wrapped in icy-wet cellophane. Oh, what a combination: mass-produced meat products and mockable cards that don't even have Major League Baseball's permission to use team logos. You remember the greats: a terrible-in-teal Benito, a Kid with a kid's mustache, and a Hurt so big he can't fit within the card's borders. This time? You have a card that's anything but a thrill.
Let's get to meat of this post: Here are 10 "butchered" catchphrases from Will Clark's Jimmy Dean commercial, circa 1990.
10) "Mmm-mmm, this flash-frozen, microwavable breakfast foodstuff is a home run."
9) "Where there's a Will, there's a sausage."
8) "Jimmy Dean sausages — now made from real boots!"
7) "We put the 'age' in 'sausage.'"
6) "Let me tell you, I know Giants, and these sausages are, well, not too giant, actually. But they're a pretty decent size, when compared with what you might get at McDonald's, or Dairy Queen, for instance."
5) "Grab a skillet, then put it away and open the microwave door!"
4) "I'm Will Clark, and I've seen how the Jimmy Dean sausage is made." (barfs)
3) "Jimmy Dean: the choice of athletes who chew three cans of tobacco a day."
2) "Take it from me, the real 'thrill' is tasting these sausage patties."
1) "Jimmy, I'd eat your sausage any time."
Name: Terry Mulholland
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Value of card: Razor burn
Key 1990 stat: No ointment used
The ol' neck ball: Coming off a season in which he had only 75 strikeouts in 180 innings, Terry Mulholland was stressing out. He had already been traded once, and he knew he needed to do something to keep his career afloat. After a few bad outings in the spring, Mulholland's stress manifested itself in the form of psoriasis on his neck. At first, the southpaw was embarrassed and tried to cover up his unsightly condition. But he quickly realized he could scuff up a new baseball on his flaky neck, giving him another inch of drop on his breaking ball. That year, Mulholland K'd a career-high 142 batters — and skipped 39 doctor's appointments.
Name: Thurman Thomas
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Running back
Value of card: .0001 troy ounces of silver
Key 1993 stat: 25 ground attacks on chipmunks
This Thurman Thomas card, By the Numbers:
1: This card's weight, in pounds
2: This card's thickness, in centimeters
3: Collectors who liked this card
4: Collectors who were blinded from the shine off this card
5: Minutes it took the graphic artist to come up with this concept
6: Number of Ground Attack logos spoiling this card
7,000: Better card ideas Playoff could have employed
Name: Gary Alexander
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Value of card: A Pirate's booty (not the kind you want)
Key 1981 stat: 2-inch hat brim
It's time for another dose of The Caption, which we're told ran in a Pittsburgh-area newspaper in 1982: "Gary Alexander, a catcher with two first names, stares, ever so passionately, at his Pittsburgh Pirates teammates warming up in their tight baseball pants and hats with the tiniest of tiny brims Wednesday in the Steel City as his afro juice drips down his neck and he ducks out of the way of a child's signature hurdling through the air."
Name: Keith Atherton
Team: Minnesota Twins
Value of card: Nothing; not even a bad joke or a tired pun; just nothing
Key 1988 stat: No chance this guy ever stepped on a field
This can't be correct: Nope, we don't believe it. We here at The Bust might have spent our formative years embarrassing our fathers with our field-of-play performances, but we don't think this guy is a real athlete. We don't usually make fun of people's appearances (cough, cough) but c'mon, look at this guy. Can't you hear his mother, just off camera, telling young Keith to lift his hat off his eyes so the nice photographer can take his picture? How did this guy pick out his glasses? "Um, excuse me, sir. Does your store (snort) happen to have any really thick lenses with clear frames? I (snort) need them to match my pocket protector." The only thing we can see this guy pitching is a tent outside an Atari store the night before "Centipede" was released. This guy's squinting and sickly skin tone are proof he hasn't seen the sun in months. Heck, even his shadow looks like it could have programmed your VCR. And that mustache, oh man. That thing is anything but big league; it has nearly as many holes as his mesh jersey. Bottom line: We're pretty sure the only time this guy has played with the twins was when he roomed with the Lewandowski brothers at band camp in 1984.
Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp
Name: Fred Breining
Team: San Franicisco Giants
Value of card: Nerd!
Key 1982 stat: NERRRRRD!
Blatant fraud: We're not entirely sure how it happened, but Timothy Busfield from "Revenge of the Nerds" passed himself off as a baseball pitcher and got his own card under a different name. In the process, he's the fourth actor from the movie to make the Bust. First there was this guy. Then, this guy. And this guy. Fine work. Mr. Busfield. Fine work, indeed.
Name: David Justice
Team: Atlanta Braves
Value of card: Criminally little
Key 1992 stat: One awesome haircut
Key Baseball Card Bust stat: 1,000 cards Busted, as of today. From the beginning, people have encouraged us to promote our site more, or update its awful design, or try writing something funny for once. Did we listen? Of course not! So, to thank you, our
Autographs from David Justice (we swear!):
- Dear Brian: I'm sorry, you incorrectly guessed the number of holes in my mesh jersey. Better luck next year!
- To Jason: Thanks for shaving those lines into my head. I can't imagine this look ever going out of style.
- To Sharpie: It's a little weird that you wrote your name on your pen, but whatever.
- Dear Megan: Thanks for asking about the spot on my chin, but I'm pretty sure it's not a tumor.
- Dear Peter: A million thanks for having me on this series of cards that I'm sure will be worth big bucks. You should autograph a photo of me signing autographs. That would be crazy!
Name: Don Aase
Value of card: A broader definition of "classic"
Key 1986 stat: No bulge
Just for our edification: What makes this a Classic Aase?
A) The mustache, which won the 1986 Facial Hair Cy Young
B) The bulge, which appears to just be pocket change
C) The name, which never gets old
D) The ribbon nameplate and nondescript font, which have been known to cause narcolepsy
E) All of the above
Name: Leo Gomez
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Third base
Value of card: 2 ounces of oriole droppings
Key 1990 stat: One Kirk Douglas chin
Evening things out: Leo Gomez wasn't a big name, but he sure had a big chin. In Hollywood, this size of chin is revered. In baseball, it can prove detrimental, which it did for Gomez, whose batting average dropped with every millimeter his chin grew. The bigger the hole in his chin, the bigger the hole in his swing. Gomez knew he had to do something. But how to even out the weight from the 12-pound chin constantly pulling on the rest of his face? How about a 12-pound pair of face shields that came with a free squeegee. The glasses Gomez chose were so big they needed a reinforcement bar across the top of the frames. The glasses came with a third, mini lens between the two massive lenses, which each once served as golf cart windshields. And the nose pads? Gomez could have used them as snowshoes in the winter. Despite their size, Gomez wore the glasses during every game. They evened out the weight distribution on his face, counteracting the pull of the action star chin. But his batting average? It stayed so small you could barely see it.
Name: Dan Dierdorf
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Tackle, On the John
Value of card: It ain't worth two (expletives)
Key 1976 stat: 112 pancake blocks (actually blocks of pancakes, eaten)
It's time for a crappy pop quiz:
What is Dan Dierdorf doing in this photo?
(A) Going to the bathroom.
(B) Pinching a loaf.
(C) Expelling feces.
(D) Dropping a deuce.
(E) Taking a sheez.
(F) Defecating with an ugly look on his face.
(G) Orchestrating a bowel movement.
(H) Imitating his on-air sportscasting for CBS.
(I) All of the above.
Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp
Name: Don Money
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Third base
Value of card: No money
Key life stat: Born Donald Wayne Brooks
Get ready to groan: On the field, you could always count on Don Money. He routinely cashed in at the plate, and you could bank on him at the hot corner. His arm enabled him to throw cheese to first. He had the skills to pay the bills. But off the field, there was a secret in his vault. He refused to launder his clothing. His odor caused teammates and others to turn green — he smelled like a cross between month-old bread and warm clams. His feelings were tender, and he vowed to change. But in the end, Don Money just couldn't buck who he was: a slob, down to his bones.
Name: Jeremy Hernandez
Team: San Diego Padres
Value of card: Not nearly enough to buy property in San Diego
Key 1991 stat: 270 curls in mullet
Jeremy Hernandez's train of thought from 3:13 to 3:15 p.m., Feb. 22, 1992: "All right, Upper Deck photo shoot. Let's do this. ... This photographer seems like kind of an a-hole. ... Hey, it's not a mullet! I just haven't had time to get to the barber this year. ... Who is this guy, making fun of my mustache? Sir, I'll have you know I spent all week growing this thing. ... Yeah, actually, this is the most expensive chain I could afford. ... You know what, buddy? If I had grown up with your mother, I wouldn't think much of my chest hair, either. ... That's it. Let's see how funny you think I am after I sneak the Old Number F-U outside the glove for this next shot. Jerk."
Name: Bobby Valentine
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Infield, outfield, manager, bus boy
Value of card: Seven teeth (still bloody)
Key 1979 stat: One lovey-dovey last name
It's Valentine's Day; 10 things Bobby Valentine does on his day:
10) Sits in front of a mirror and brushes his hair for two hours.
9) Blinds children with his teeth.
8) Writes love poems on valentines to women he'll never approach.
7) Draws hearts in places that underwear covers.
6) Studies hard for a second career in managing — a fast-food seafood restaurant.
5) Kisses the girl he loves (causing her to wake up, scream and report a breaking-and-entering).
4) Signs his name over and over again, until the B in his first name looks like boobs.
3) Buys flowers and chocolate. Eats both.
2) Makes up ridiculous names. His newest: Bobby Kwanzaa.
1) Loves himself (huh-huh).
Name: Mike Redmond
Team: Florida Marlins
Value of card: Imminent doom
Key 2000 stat: Lots of grimacing
Don't get this wrong: What's Mike Redmond about to do?
A) Purchase a first-class ticket on the Pain Train
B) Get a 15-day paid vacation
C) Eat his own catcher's mask
D) Make a spectacular tag, avoid a collision and throw to second for the double play. (Note: This is how he will remember it during his morphine-rich hospital stay.)
E) All of the above
Name: Jeff Brantley
Team: San Francisco Giants
Value of card: Six Cheez Doodles, dropped on the dugout ground, stepped on
Key 1992 stat: 1,248 hours sitting
10 things Giants manager Roger Craig said during this Jeff Brantley photo shoot:
10) "Somebody turn off the TV in front of Brantley."
9) "You mind warming up, Jeff? That is, if your mullet isn't caught on the back of the chair."
8) "Why even slide on those fancy stirrups this morning?"
7) "Sure, put up your feet. You earned it, pal."
6) "Get out of my seat."
5) "You praying in the dugout or hiding your most shameful asset?"
4) "Make yourself useful and grab me that Diet Pepsi behind you."
3) "Maybe put your hands on just one ball, Brantley — a baseball."
2) "This is definitely not a 'Humm, baby' moment."
1) "No, no, no. Relax, pal. We'll play the baseball."
Name: Bob Welch
Team: Oakland A's
Value of card: Gift certificate for three minutes of studio time with an idiot photographer
Key 1990 stat: 44 straight minutes of one-ball juggling
Bob Welch's train of thought from 10:13 to 10:14 April 10, 1991: "OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball, Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh!"
Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Value of card: A 4-foot-high pile of palm fronds
Key 1990 stat: 20-minute increments of a cold, steely stare
Time for a sweltering pop quiz:
It's 1991. Just how hot is Dan Marino?
(A) Women want him. Chris Miller wants to be him.
(B) When he puts on Isotoner gloves, women faint, and so does he, from heat stroke.
(C) He turns on Sean Young so much she shows him big ol' Mr. Kannish.
(D) His balls put off steam.
(E) All of the above.
Name: Tom Henke
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Value of card: Three dead blue jays in a shoebox
Key 1987 stat: Three blue jays shot with a pellet gun, placed in a shoebox, left on The Bust's doorstep
Our apologies, Mr. Henke: Whoa, whoa, whoa. This isn't the Tom Henke we here at The Bust know. This nerd is. The guy above looks like a tough guy, despite the windshields over his eyes. With his mouth closed, you don't see the jagged snaggleteeth. When the photo isn't a mugshot surrounded by a blinding yellow border, you see Henke is a 6-foot-5, 215-pound country boy who threw hard and wore his mesh harder. Sure, he's wearing 3-inch-thick nerd glasses, but when you see him staring at you with a look of contempt, it makes you think he'd like to smash the glasses on the ground and use the shards to stab you in the neck. So, let us apologize, Mr. Henke. We are sorry we labeled you a dork after seeing the 1988 Topps all-star card a few years ago. Clearly, Fleer has given us a new view of you. You might be a nerd, but you're a nerd who could break a few faces back in the 1980s.
Name: Carney Lansford
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Third base
Value of card: Six wings, ripped off dead flies
Key 1983 stat: 1,275 hours hunched over
What does Carney Lansford stand for?
Car is a Ford, says Carney Lansford
Adjective used as a noun for team's name
Rally lamb chops were an A's specialty
Night games at the Coliseum feature only a few stabbings
Ever look in the mirror and feel embarrassed by your facial hair? Carney hasn't
Yellow socks accentuate Lansford's curvaceous calves
Lenses are as thick as his mustache
A's 1983 uniforms resembled those of a beer league softball team
Never has anyone named "Carney" risen to such heights
Stirrups go all the way to his waist
Face stuck in a ½-inch-by-½-inch box
Oakland is a great place to play — to play dice in the alley
Rim of Lansford's hat is straight enough for a 2000s hipster
Decision to include a bright-blue box: mind-numbing
Name: Willie McGee
Team: San Francisco Giants
Value of card: It ain't pretty
Key 1990 stat: Wore black turtlenecks before Steve Jobs did
Atonement: We've had a lot of fun with Willie McGee these past few years, to the point that we almost felt bad. Almost. So, to make it up to Slick Willie, here are 10 things he's more attractive than:
10) The Predator
9) The Sexy Predator
8) Marge Schott
7) Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day
6) Crazy Crab
5) Garo Yepremian
4) Willie McGee. Oh, wait ...
3) The McRib
2) A trunk full of possums
1) A trunk full of dead possums
Name: Dwight "Doc" Gooden
Team: New York Mets
Value of card: One drinking straw
Key 1990 stat: Endless talent wasted
The charges against Dwight Gooden, as leveled by The Bust:
- One count of impersonating a mustache
- One count of impersonating a medical practitioner
- 500 counts of "writing prescriptions" for himself, using a mirror and rolled-up dollar bill
- 20 counts of fraud for luring us into buying all these baseball cards of his, thinking they'd be worth something
- Two counts of loitering with the wrong crowd (on the Mets and the Yankees)
Name: Sparky Anderson
Team: Detroit Tigers
Value of card: Worthless? Check
Key 1990 stat: Quadruple bypass
Sparky bookends: We started Coach-Manager Week with the lovable Sparky and we're ending with Sparky, too. Why? Here's a checklist:
1 ¤ He's the prototypical old man manager.
2 ¤ He has never aged.
3 ¤ He goes by a rascally nickname and has a smile to match.
4 ¤ He's a winner, not just on the baseball field but at the baccarat tables in the back of seedy Chinese food restaurants.
5 ¤ His wrinkles are as deep as poverty levels in Detroit and resemble the stripes of his beloved Tigers.
You can check it off: Sparky, a manager's manager.
Name: Art Shell
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Head coach
Value of card: One Telex watch (maker of knock-off Rolexes and headsets)
Key 1990 stat: 46-pound head
10 names Art Shell ascribed to his stocking cap:
10) My fave-o-wit warmikins
9) The Silver-and-Whack
8) That cap Grandma knitted me
7) That cap Al Davis knitted me
6) The Authentic Telex Headset-Stocking Cap Combo for Today's Head Coach®
5) The knit pick
4) Big Artie's Massive Melon Tuxedo
3) 1990 NFL Head Covering of the Year
2) El snow sombrero
1) Shell's shell
Name: Dan Henning
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Head coach
Value of card: 50 cents off a knee replacement at Dr. Larry's Joints Joint
Key 1991 stat: Never got up from this pose
What play did Dan Henning call after this photo was taken?
A) 52 Pick-me-up
B) A kneel-down. No, wait, that was before the photo
C) 911. Not a play, just the phone number
D) A Hail Mary
E) All of the above
Name: Ozzie (expletive) Guillen
Team: Chicago White (expletive) Sox
Position: Manager, mother(expletive)!
Value of card: Go (expletive) yourself!
Key 2006 stat: Bend over, (expletive), and I'll show you!
Ozzie Guillen's reaction to The Bust after learning he'd be featured on the site (imagine thick accent): "Excuse me? Excuse me! You talkin' about those (expletive) jokers? Those pieces of (expletive)? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! That site isn't worth the (expletive) that comes out of my (expletive) after I eat (expletive) Korean (expletive) food out of a (expletive) baby's (expletive)-stained diaper. Look at this (expletive) site. Are you kidding me? Are you (expletive) kidding me? Look at that (expletive) background. Those stupid, soft, untalented, lazy mother(expletives) still haven't updated the site's design? Aren't these wastes of (expletive) space coming up on 900 (expletive), (expletive), (expletive), moronic posts? What a (expletive) joke. I don't want my face on this piece of (expletive). No way. No how. No (expletive) chance in hell. If these (expletive) embarrassments don't have the (expletive) talent or the (expletive) smarts to make their dog(expletive) blog look a bit better after more than two years, (expletive) them and the (expletive) horse they (expletive) rode in on. (Expletive.)"
Name: Ralph Houk
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Manager (catcher, about 40 years before this photo was taken)
Value of card: An abandoned home in the Highland Park area in Detroit (squatting crackheads included)
Key 1990 stat: Still breathing
Just a swell leader of men: Look at old Ralphie. He's such a swell guy, they named a whole baseball card set after him. What a rascal: He doesn't even care that he has three chunks of chew hanging off the right side of his mouth. Aww, that Ralphie. What an ideal representative for the wonderful city of Detroit. His skin is made from the same leather that was used in Cadillacs from 1968 to 1971. After his heart surgery, he has more of a motor pumping blood than an organ. And that voice. Few know that before he was a player and a manager, he was the frontman for Ralphie and the Runners, a pioneering Motown group, whose hits included "Two Balls on Us," "We Love Bang-Bang Plays" and "Bunt is Just One Letter Away from You." Aww, Ralphie, you're what makes baseball great.