9.01.2012

Ozzie Smith, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 6)


Name: Ozzie Smith
Team: Washington Wizards St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One YouTube clip of some kid talking about "Magic: The Gathering"
Key 1993 stat: Mustache was perfectly flat
Good vs. evil: Ozzie Smith was known as "The Wizard" during his playing days, thanks to his flashy but solid defense and success with the bat. Here, in this LSD-inspired card, Smith is portrayed as an actual wizard, though one who uses a baseball glove instead of a staff or wand. But does he use his magical powers for good or evil? Let's investigate.

Good: Has the ability to call wild birds to him; doesn't mind when they poop on his shoulder.
Evil: Uses said birds to steal Tony Gwynn's halo of baseballs.
Good: Plants little pine trees along his yellow-brick driveway.
Evil: Seems happy that there's some sort of forest fire happening on the left side of the card.
Good: Lives in a bright, magical castle that totally increased his neighborhood's property values.
Evil: Despite its hue, said castle is not "green," lacking solar panels, composting and a recycling program.

Verdict: Hell, who cares? These cards have inspired us to drink a little mushroom tea. If you need us, we'll be examining the shrubs for the next six hours.
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