9.24.2012

Frank Thomas, 1990 U.S. Baseball Federation BDK Card Co. ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 1)


Name: Frank Thomas
Teams: Team USA, Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: Six nights' stay at the Fleabag Motel in Millington, Tenn.
Key 1946 stat: One photo printed on Johannes Gutenberg's first printing press
Welcome to "Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week: We're celebrating one of the biggest and baddest sluggers of the 1990s with a full week of cringe-inducing cards from such esteemed companies as Topps, Upper Deck and BDK Card Co. Umm, what company? Anyway, Thomas is the subject of some of the worst card concepts in history, having been the No. 1 collected player during the industry's boom years of the early to mid-1990s. For him, this proved embarrassing. For us, it's something to ridicule between binges of Winner's Cup vodka. Want a few examples? How about cards that utilize lightning, MTV and dynamite. Think those are terrible? This week has six more days.
Team USA's scouting report on young Frank Thomas: "This guy is as American as apple pie, bald eagles and crappy baseball cards produced in garages by losers trying to scam kids out of their allowance. ... I foresee a bright future for him — in a Chuck Norris movie. ... Talk about patriotism. That's not our uniform; he walks around supporting America. ... Looks good in a USA jersey made in China. ... A five-tool player: hits for power, hits for average, throws well, fields great and tucks shirts with the best of them. ... Excellent future in mesh. ... Could be great for the Red, White and Blue if we could find a photo of him that's not black-and-white. ... Easily the best player in Millington, Tenn. OK, the only player in Millington, Tenn."
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