Dick Vitale, 1994 Classic (Another Freakin' Basketball Week No. 1)

Name: Dick Vitale
Team: Team ESPN
Position: Analyst
Value of card: Two earplugs, used by someone else
Key 1994 stat: Talked about Duke 3,109,442,795 times
Just in time for the NBA Finals, Dicky V welcomes you to Another Freakin' Basketball Week: "Settle in, everybody, this week is gonna be awesome, baby! Sure, you won't see many PTPers, many diaper dandies, or anyone who's awesome with a capital 'A.' No chance, but I'll tell you what you are gonna see. You're gonna see something special, baby, you're gonna see some all-star mullets, you're gonna see some shorts riding up to places that aren't for the faint of heart, and you're gonna see some pieces of clothing that belong nowhere near a human body! That's right, including my own tie! It's a Dicky V special, baby, a real checkerboard atrocity! That's OK, though, because all my gold buttons and my shiny bald head will distract the opposition from noticing the Bust trophy on my microphone! These next seven days are gonna be incredible!"

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