5.06.2012

Craig Stadler, 1991 Pro Set (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 7)


Name: Craig "The Walrus" Stadler
Team: A man big enough to be his own team
Position: Ball hitter
Value of card: Three walrus whiskers
Key 1990 stat: 43 busted pants buttons
A fitting end to Another Alternative Sports Week: It has been a predictably underwhelming seven days, but we've managed to pick up a few readers who prefer sports that Europeans watch thanks to posts on golf, soccer and the like. So, in the end, we're all winners. (Except for the athletes. To them, our apologies. To the readers: Sorry to you guys, too.)
Fun facts about the Pacific walrus (O. rosmarus divergens) and Craig "The Walrus" Stadler:
  • Save for orca and, in some areas, polar bears, the Pacific walrus is at the top of the food chain. Save for galaxy-devouring black holes, and, in some areas, polar bears, Craig "The Walrus" Stadler is at the top of the food chain.
  • The whiskers of the Pacific walrus are a highly sensitive organ capable of differentiating among minuscule shapes. The whiskers of Craig "The Walrus" Stadler are a highly sensitive mouth eyebrow capable of storing weeks' worth of food for later consumption.
  • The blubber layer below the Pacific walrus' skin is up to 6 inches thick. The blubber layer below Craig "The Walrus" Stadler's skin is, uh, see previous.
  • The Pacific walrus spends a majority of its waking hours seeking its preferred meal, the mollusk. Craig "The Walrus" Stadler spends a majority of his waking hours seeking his preferred meal, the meatball hero.
  • Partly because of its size and distinctive appearance, the Pacific walrus plays an important role in many Arctic cultures, most notably the Chukchi. Partly because of his size and distinctive appearance, Craig "The Walrus" Stadler plays an important role at many PGA functions, most notably the buffet line.

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