Valery and Pavel Bure, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 1)

Names: Valery Bure and Pavel Bure
Teams: Montreal Canadiens and Vancouver Canucks, respectively
Positions: Right winger and right winger, respectively (They *spit* hate American Democrat scum.)
Value of card: 2 Russian rubles (1 ruble = .0333 U.S. dollar)
Key 1991 stat: $13 an hour for a baby sitter
Welcome to Another Alternative Sports Week: The NHL playoffs are well under way, the PGA season is in full swing, and NASCAR drivers are turning left every weekend. It's that time of the year when we here at The Bust bring you a week's worth of embarrassing cards from outside the three major U.S. sports. It's not that we can't find enough sloppy work in the baseball, football and basketball arenas, it's that we stumble across some of the worst cards ever made in sports few in the collecting world care about: hockey, golf, gymnastics, reverse toenail clipping and so on. So, without further ado, behold the bottom of the barrel of the bottom of the barrel.
It's time for a brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Wind-swept 1980s wave haircut (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Refusal to wear pants (Winner: Pavel)
Round 3: Untrustworthy towhead tendencies (Winner: Valery)
Round 4: Sexy Soviet-toned calves (Winner: Pavel)
Round 5: Allegiance to Mother Russia (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Sexy woman's name that is also the title of a legendary 1980s song (Winner: Valery)
Round 7: Age 14 or younger (Winner: Valery)
Round 8: Phallic positioning of hockey stick (Winner: Pavel)
Round 9: Talent (Winner: Pavel)

Score: Pavel 4, Valery 3, Ties 2

Synopsis: Big brother wins again, this time thanks to his talent and sculpted calves. But, really, when two kids escape the tyranny of the U.S.S.R. and both get the coolest rollerblades on the block for Christmas, no one loses. (Except you, Commie scum.)

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

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