Ron Darling, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Ron Darling
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Zero diamonds; zero cubic zirconia
Key 1987 stat: 14 ounces of mascara
Welcome, poor souls, to Dreadful Diamond Kings Week: Over the past two years, we've had the guts to bring you Atrocious Diamond Kings Week and God-Awful Diamond Kings Week, but we're not stopping there. Oh, no. As baseball season sweetly swings into gear, it's time for seven days of lousy illustrations and lousier write-ups. Thanks, in advance, for not hunting us down and stoning us to death.

So what makes a Donruss Diamond Kings card "dreadful"? Let's take a look. First, Mr. Darling looks quite darling, what with the eye shadow, mascara and strikingly feminine eyes. His eyes are so seductive, in fact, that it's hard to notice the uneven eyebrows or the nose that looks like it was smashed with a mallet. Next, let's ask an important question about this illustration: Why is a tiny right-handed Tom Glavine throwing a fastball from Darling's shoulder? In closing, what was the esteemed artist, Mr. Perez, trying to accomplish with a background of Cheetos? We're pretty sure this card is cheesy enough.

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