Patrick Ewing, 1993-94 NBA Hoops (Another (face-palm) Basketball Week No. 3)

Name: Patrickman, aka Patrick Ewing
Team: New York Knicks
Positions: Center, flying through future space
Value of card: Space junk
Key 1993-94 stat: Hem of shorts higher than crotch of shorts
Another literal translation: Because there's no way to tell exactly what is supposed to be happening in this illustration of "Patrickman," here's our best guess. Patrickman lived on a red sun that had clouds made of popcorn and was inhabited by those things from "The Matrix." The only way to defeat these sentient machines was to make a 1-foot jump shot in outer space. Should he do this, he would have his pick of green planets on which he could live out his days in peace. However, the machines tried everything they could to prevent his escape, including ripping his shorts up so high that they could give him a colonoscopy. Did Patrickman make this close-range shot? Let's just say that those tentacles made it up to his neck.


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