Larry Bird, 1992-93 Upper Deck Basketball Heroes (Another (face-palm) Basketball Week No. 1)

Name: Larry Bird
Team: Boston Celtics
Position: Forward (Right, ladies?)
Value of card: Lots of green
Key 1991-92 stat: 16-inch zipper
Welcome to Another (face-palm) Basketball Week: It's March Madness, the time of year when we all get in touch with our inner degenerate gambler, and we're marking the occasion with a week of some of basketball's most ridiculous cards from the 1980s and 1990s. Get ready for seven days of blinding jackets, detestable illustrations and some of the whitest white dudes you've ever seen. It's Another Basketball Week (face-palm).
Transcript from nationwide Starter apparel television commercial, circa 1980: "Hey, kids. (swish sounds) I'm 1979-80 NBA Rookie of the Year Larry Bird, and I'm a starter. (swish sounds) You know what makes a starter? It starts with the jacket. It has to be bold. It has to be tight. It has to be blindingly shiny. (swish sounds) You know what else makes a starter? A mop of blond curls. (swish sounds) Hands that have been smashed by a hammer. (swish sounds) A six-hair invisible mustache. (swish sounds) A pair of bloodflow-restricting Lee brand jeans. (swish sounds) You want to be a starter? Get yourself a Starter jacket. (swish sounds) Starter: It begins with style and ends with a swish."

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