Name: Cortez "Tez Rex" Kennedy
Team: Seattle Screamhawks
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: One dead skin, shed
Key 1994 splat: 10 hours a day basking in sun
Eight days a week? Hey, it's not our fault Halloween is on a Monday this year. So break out the slutty costumes and teeth-breaking candy. Let's do this one more time.
Tez Rex by the numbers:
28: Movies appeared in
1: Unfortunate adult movies appeared in
58: Quarterbacks flattened
1,058: Cities flattened
412: Pounds — without costume
2: Tongue-looking things on gloves
Infinite: Regret after seeing this card
Name: Renaldo Turnbull, aka "Raging"
Team: Boo Orleans Haints
Fright value of card: Two pounds of bull...
Key 1994 splat: A cracked hoof
Fun facts about Renaldo Turnbull and an actual bull:
- An actual bull will charge at the color red. Renaldo Turnbull also hates communists.
- An actual bull has its own astrological symbol, Taurus. Renaldo Turnbull uses the "What's your sign?" line way too much.
- An actual bull is worshiped in some cultures. Renaldo Turnbull sure does think a lot of himself.
- An actual bull runs through the streets of Pamplona, Spain. Renaldo Turnbull once ran pantsless through the streets of New Orleans after one too many mint juleps.
- An actual bull tries to run over a guy in tights with a cape. Renaldo Turnbull tried to run over Tommy Maddox.
- An actual bull spends a lot of its time trying to impregnate heifers. Same for Renaldo Turnbull.
Name: Chris "Zorro" Zorich
Team: Chicago Scares
Position: Defensive tackle
Fright value of card: A bunch of Zzzzzzzz's
Key 1993 splat: One pair of headphones worn as part of costume
Chris Zorich's dating profile, circa 1994:
Screen name: Zorro69
Height: Two swords tall
Weight: 112 kilos
Hair color: La rojo bandanna
Ethnicity: Mexican, circa 1840
Religious views: Banderas
Want children? Of course, but only with you, mi amore
Marital status: It's a mystery
Best feature: Mask
Smoke? Yes, but only with a cigarette holder
Drink? The finest wines
Seeking: A gay blade
Location: 1840s colonial Mexico, now California
Her/his body type: Covered in material that can be shredded by a sword
Her/his ethnicity: I prefer the brown ones
About me: I am Zorro, a man on the prowl for a man to share my nights and my secret identity. Me, a dashing, black-clad outlaw whose sword is as swift as his silver-tongued wit. You, anybody with a couple of holes. But, no, don't get upset. You can join me on clandestine adventures, during which I will take up arms against tyrannical villains, and, let's hope, take down their pants with a few swipes of my sword. Like that idea? I can add a "Z" to the back of your trousers, mi amore. Join me, Zorro, on my next romantic adventure.
Name: Ken "Jackhammer" Harvey
Team: Washington Shredskins
Positions: Linebacker, construction worker
Fright value of card: Seven minutes of jackin' (uh, what?)
Key 1993 splat: Zero Halloween party invitations
Clearing up some rumors about Ken Harvey's costume:
- Harvey didn't wear a costume dripping with sexual innuendo. He literally and figuratively beat you over the head with it.
- Harvey didn't carry around a giant tool at all times. He was a giant tool at all times.
- Harvey, the construction laborer, didn't work on the streets of D.C. His sister did.
- Harvey didn't thrust the tip of his massive tool into things. He was busy riding a weird-looking pogo stick.
- Harvey's choice to wear the costume wasn't a bright idea. That was a glowing penis, not a light bulb, atop his helmet.
Name: Eric "The Red" Swann
Team: Arizona Bloody Cardinals
Position: Defensive tackle
Fright value of card: That bird crap on your windshield
Key 1993 splat: Zero women "knighted"
10 insults hurled at Swann after this card came out:
10) "Your mama likes to get goosed, too!"
9) "Yo, man. That bird is having its period down your neck!"
8) "That coat of arms is Member's Only!"
7) "In an outfit like that, not even your eggs get laid!"
6) "You're not even the real Eric the Red!"
5) "Oh lord, you should have the bird tweet how stupid you look!"
4) "Red Swann? More like lame black Swann!"
3) "That chainmail beard should be returned to sender!"
2) "A chump of feathers flocks by himself!"
1) "I deem thee, valiant knight, Sir Douche of Bag!"
Team: Cincinnati Benghouls
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: Definitely not something big
Key 1994 splat: One escape from police custody, apparently
It's a Halloween mystery: What makes "Big Daddy" such a monster?
A) The fact that he wears a potted plant on his head
B) The mysterious way he ripped through the front of his shirt — but not the numbers on it
C) The fact that he keeps mini-footballs around just to stomp the life out of them
D) He apparently was shackled, but now he isn't! Ooooooh, scarrrrry!
E) Not the bulge. Just ask Mrs. Wilkinson.
F) Just buy some new pants already, you freak.
Name: Derrick "Attack Cat" Thomas
Team: Kansas City Creeps
Fright value of card: Three coughed-up hair balls
Key 1993 splat: 14 sacks (of yarn)
Cat-scratch fever: Last year for Halloween Week, we brought you monsters, ghouls, ghosts and pieces of ice. This year, we're bringing you a even more spooky schmucks, including the Attack Cat, Derrick Thomas, who could only scare paraplegic mice and pieces of cheese, if pieces of cheese could express emotions. Just look at this guy. We'd say Thomas looks like a castoff from "Cats," but we don't want to disparage such a fine feline musical. Though they're trying to make him appear fearsome, he looks more like the Cowardly Lion getting arrested for indecent exposure. Yes, we're featuring this card near the middle of a week full of boos. But before we get ahead of ourselves, we need to answer that important question: What kind of cat, exactly, is Thomas supposed to be? He's not a cougar. He's not a tiger. He's not a lion. Ah, we get it. He's a pussy.
Name: Neil "Knight Raider" O'Donnell
Team: Pittsburgh Squealers
Fright value of card: A spider bite
Key 1994 splat: Four spikes (not of the football)
Halloween Week returns from the grave: That's right, fright fans, thanks to popular demand (nearly 12 of you asked for it), we've brought back the Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron for a second Halloween Week. What better way to start than with possibly the most confusing card in the set. For one thing, Neil O'Donnell here looks like a cross between a Tim Burton character and Braveheart. Second, his "monster" name is Knight Raider, even though he's not on the Raiders and he looks nothing like David Hasselhoff. And third, how is this a monster? Is he a zombie knight? Is he just really old and muscular? Why does he have chainmail AND short sleeves? And why, for lord's sake, is his helmet shooting out Cheez Whiz? Never mind. We don't want to know any more.
Name: Melido Perez
Team: Chicago White Sox
Value of card: One ink-stained batting glove
Key 1991 stat: Endless patience
To whom it may concern: Here's a handful of personalized autographs from Melido Perez:
- "To Tony: Thanks for bringing so much energy to the game, but, dude, it's only spring training batting practice. Was full body paint really necessary?"
- "Dear Lindsay: Happy 11th birthday. Sorry Ozzie Guillen cursed out your dad earlier."
- "Dean: I'm not going to 'play some Skynyrd, man,' so please stop asking now."
- "To Jennifer: Thanks for flashing me. It's about time I saw a rack better than Charlie Hough's."
- "Dear Billy: OK, here's your autograph, now give me that damn ice cream cone. A deal's a deal."
Name: Rich "Goose" Gossage
Team: Texas Rangers
Value of card: One goose feather
Key 1990 stat: Watched "Road House" 17 times
Pop quiz time: Why is Goose so sad?
A) Nobody wants a mustache ride
B) Studio refused to call him by his nickname
C) He's really only a little sad, but everything is bigger in Texas
D) He's thinking about how he always dies in "Top Gun"
E) All of the above
Names: Jim Breech and Jerry Rice
Teams: Cincinnati Bengals™ and San Francisco 49ers™
Positions: Kicker and wide receiver
Value of card: 6 grains of rice
Key 1987: Lots and lots of scoring, if you know what we mean
It's time for what's sure to be a lopsided edition of The Matchup:
Round 1: Career points (Winner: Rice)
Round 2: NFL records (Winner: Rice)
Round 3: Super Bowl victories (Winner: Rice)
Round 4: Hall of Fame inductions (Winner: Rice)
Round 5: Wealth accumulated (Winner: Rice)
Round 6: Loving relationships (Winner: Rice)
Round 7: Personal satisfaction after retirement (Winner: Rice)
Round 8: Probability of living into old age (Winner: Rice)
Round 9: Size 5 shoe (Winner: Breech)
Score: Rice 8, Breech 1
Synopsis: As usual, Rice dominated the competition. He won in all the major categories, barely breaking a sweat. But the Hall of Famer couldn't win the final round, when Breech squeezed his tiny size 7 kicking foot into a size 5 shoe because he thought it gave him better accuracy to get the ball between the uprights. Speaking of getting things "between the uprights," did we mention Rice scored a lot more than Breech?
Postscript: Wow, 100 Football Fridays. To think, when Football Fridays started the Internet didn't have nearly as much crap clogging it up. It has been a long trek, but don't expect the self-serving slop to stop focusing on the big guys in pads and helmets. Hut, hut ... hurl.
Name: Brent Abernathy
Team: Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Value of card: 12 pieces of devil ray excrement
Key 2000 stat: Zero smiles
Devil Rays' scouting report on rookie Brent Abernathy: "Man, this kid's enthusiasm is something special. Look at that look of excitement on his face. ... If baseball doesn't work we can use him in the devil ray tank, as bait. ... Has the personality of chum. ... Looks like an athlete, a kick ball athlete, but an athlete nonetheless. ... Wears the 'TB' on his cap well: Total Bust. ... We think we've found his natural position: far from the field, in a Sears photo studio. ... Forget this kid, let's look for more players name 'Ray.'"
Name: Rod Beck
Team: San Francisco Giants
Value of card: Three "refried" chews
Key 1993 stat: Three addictions kicked; three others relished
Rod Beck, By the Numbers:
48: saves in 1993
48: beers consumed in one sitting, 18 times, 1993
2.16: ERA in 1993
2.16: normal-sized chews taken at once
76: games, 1993
76: games pitched with a hangover, 1993
13: walks, 1993
13: pounds of mullet, 1993
.750: win-loss percentage, 1993
.750: bulge-to-thigh ratio, 1993
Name: Ken Griffey Jr.
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Center field
Value of card: Three broken crayons
Key 1990 stat: Size 27-¾ cap
10 reasons Griffey's head is so big:
10) He knows he has the best mustache of all the eighth-graders.
9) He's proud of having baseball in his blood.
8) As a Mariner, he's a skilled seaman. (rim shot)
7) Somehow, mysteriously, his neck's mass flowed into his cranium and disappeared.
6) He had to grow it that big to fit into the only helmet the team would give him.
5) He always knew he'd be the subject of a
4) Supermodels would kill for his legs.
3) He's trying to entice the army of faceless zombies behind him by showing off his massive brain.
2) He's impressed by his own illustrated bulge.
Names: Steve Garvey and Goose Gossage
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: First base, closer
Value of card: 17 arm hairs pulled from drain
Key 1985 stat: Six shades of vomit
It's time for a San Diego special in this round of The Matchup:
Round 1: Legendary disgusting facial hair (Winner: Gossage)
Round 2: Little-known disgusting arm hair (Winner: Garvey)
Round 3: Uniform with the worst color combination in major league history (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Obvious man love (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Sunday-best belts with puke uniform (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Old-man love handles underneath throw-up uniform (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Nickname that means a finger getting stuck in a butt (Winner: Gossage)
Score: Gossage 2, Garvey 1, Ties 4
Synopsis: It's obvious these two gentlemen have a lot in common, especially in their barf-flavored uniforms. These similarities made for an entertaining Matchup, with Goose only pulling away at the end with his nickname, which would lead you to expect the color of his index finger to match the color of his hat's side.
Name: Cherokee Parks
Team: Vancouver Grizzlies
Value of card: .90210 cents
Key 1999-2000 stat: One special guest starring role
Back in Beverly Hills: Cherokee Parks was better known for his name and his look than his NBA success. He loved the league, but he loved his paycheck more, and he knew his future would be bright with a name like "Cherokee." He was right. In the 1999-2000 offseason, Parks got a call from Hollywood producer Aaron Spelling. The legendary TV show creator told him that his recent tent-pole production, "Beverly Hills: 90210," was sagging in the ratings, and he wanted a new love interest for his daughter, Tori, who played Donna on "B-H 9er." Parks said he was interested. Acting had appealed to him since his days on the Duke University Improv team, the Improv-ments. He signed a contract a few days later and played a tall, white and handsome basketball player who was 5 percent Native American and who transferred to West Beverly High from Vancouver, where he had lived on a reservation and never saw a convertible or an episode of "Melrose Place." His character, aptly named Cherokee, was well-received, and the audience was shocked when, five episodes into his character's run, it was revealed that, just like Brandon and Brenda, Cherokee had a twin, who would go on to change the famous ZIP code forever, or at least during sweeps week.
Name: Bill Laimbeer
Team: Detroit Pistons
Positions: Center, dancer, entertainer, sweater
Value of card: 12 vibrations
Key 1990-91 stat: 43 inches (height of bulge above knee; North American record)
Bill's got those good vibrations: Bill Laimbeer loved basketball, but he loved to dance even more. When Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch burst upon the scene in the early 1990s, Laimbeer knew he had a new group to emulate and interpret off the court and on. Though many teammates and fans enjoyed Laimbeer's mid-game dance shows, opponents such as Patrick Ewing, above, often physically showed their contempt for his theatrics.
Laimbeer's "Good Vibrations": "Yeah. Can you feel it, Ewing? I can feel it. Come on swing it. One, two, three. Now we come to the playoffs. (chorus) It's such a good vibration. It's such a sweet De-troit Piston. It's such a good vibration. It's such a sweet De-troit Piston. (end chorus) Yo. It's about that time, to bring forth the rebound and the rhyme. I'm a get mine, so you get yours. I want to see that sweat, Ewing, coming out yo' pores. On the house tip is how I'm swishing this. Strictly hip-hop, boy, I'm not missing this. Bringing this to the entire nation: Knick, Celtic, Pacer, Laker. Feel the vibration. Come on. Come on. Feel it, Ewing. Feel it."
Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp
Team: Vancouver Grizzlies
Value of card: Meaningless history
Key 1995-96 stat: Every color known to man included in his tie
Fun facts about white guard Kevin Pritchard:
- Let's start with the true one: Kevin Pritchard was the first player to sign with the Grizzlies franchise. However, he was released before he could even play a game and played just two more games in the NBA at all. Still, he'll always have that atrocious basketball to admire.
- Being the first player to ever sign with the Grizzlies is slightly more exciting than being the first guy to eat paste.
- ... which is why he didn't bother to shave before the press conference where this photo was taken.
- Kevin Pritchard's eyebrows are enshrined in the Grizzlies Hall of Fame.
- Kevin Pritchard's tie is the seventh-leading producer of noise pollution in the United States.
- The bear in the Grizzlies logo (seen here four times!) appears to be holding a pumpkin. Yeah, that has nothing to do with Kevin Pritchard, but let's face it — he's just not that interesting.
Team: Denver Nuggets
Position: Center, mannequin
Value of card: Not knowing what sport you're playing
Key 1991-92 stat: 10 percent off short-shorts at Macy's
Stiff as a board: How bad were the 1991-92 Nuggets? That April, as the season ground to an excruciating halt, the team pulled out all the stops to keep fans interested. Late in a game against the Dallas Mavericks, coach Paul Westhead substituted in a 7-foot-tall mannequin named "Joe Wolf." During timeouts, Wolf was posed in different ways under the opponent's basket — in the shot above, he is seen looking like a quarterback throwing a pass. While Wolf obviously didn't score any points, he did lead the team in blocked shots that night, thus earning his very own basketball card. He now "works" at Jumbo Joe's Big & Tall in Fort Collins, Colo., wearing the same cheesy uniform seen here.
Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com.
Team: Boston Celtics
Value of card: Half a kuna
Key 1991-92 stat: Two 'pit stains
In the criminal justice system blah blah blah: After two seasons of atrocious play for the Boston Celtics, federal authorities became suspicious of center Stojko Vrankovic. He was brought up on espionage charges, accused of being a Croatian spy. After months of investigation and hundreds of missed free throws, the charges were dropped; however, his legal nightmare wasn't over. Celtics fans then filed a civil lawsuit, accusing Vrankovic of impersonating a professional basketball player. A Boston jury quickly found him liable, forcing him to hand over his paltry salary and banning him from the NBA. He resurfaced a few years later, playing for the Timberwolves and Clippers under the name Vrojko Stankovic. Nobody noticed, however, since those aren't actually NBA teams.
Team: Charlotte Hornets
Position: Center, of course
Value of card: $5 off orthopedic shoes
Key 1991-92 stat: 29 wheels of cheese eaten
It's The Caption: Charlotte Hornets center Mike Gminski throws an outlet pass after pulling down a rebound during Wednesday's game. It was Gminski's first action of the season, and may be his last, as he left the game in the fourth quarter with a chronic wedgie that occurred when he pulled his own unimaginably short shorts up to his chest. There is no timetable for his return, as nobody gives a crap about the Charlotte Hornets or this big, white freak.
Team: Golden State Warriors
Value of card: A prescription for anti-seizure medication
Key 1994-95 stat: Face never changed from this expression
Welcome to Another White Ballers Week: The NBA preseason starts this week, so what better way to honor games that don't matter than with players who don't matter? Wait, what's that? The lockout is still going on? And it's likely that we'll not only miss the preseason, but at least part of the regular season? Aw, hell. Screw it, let's do this anyway.
Pop-a-shot quiz time: What the hell?
A) This photo must be from the season where the NBA played with an electrified ball.
B) Well, I mean, would you want to guard a guy who brandished his crotch like that?
C) Looks like that crab salad sandwich at the team picnic is about to take its toll.
D) I don't know, but thank Christ he's wearing that second pair of shorts.
E) David Wood just saw a spider.
Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com
Name: Chad Kreuter
Team: Kansas City Royals
Value of card: $2.99 a minute
Key 1998 stat: 23,091 phone calls
Take this job and shove it: Chad Kreuter wasn't very good at baseball. He bounced around the league, platooning behind the plate and rarely hitting above .250. Needing financial stability, Kreuter decided to start working for an, um, adult phone service. At first he took calls in the privacy of his own home, but pretty soon, everyone wanted to have an intimate conversation with "Barry the Backstop." Kreuter began sneaking his cellphone onto the field, taking calls between innings by holding the phone in his mitt and pretending to block the sun or rest his head. The game was soon up, though, after teammates caught Kreuter whispering into his glove that he was wearing only a jock strap, cleats and a smile.
Name: Eric Davis
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Value of card: 1/492,000th of Davis' jewelry
Key 1990 stat: 36,118 sexy stares
Here's what Eric Davis stands for:
Eye contact. Sometimes it can be held too long.
Reds. No, not the team. His wine preference.
Ice cream sundaes. We mean, er, intensity. We were just thinking about ice cream.
Chains. I mean, look at the bling on this freakin' guy!
Divorce. With that deep stare, it looks like he's about to cause one.
Attraction. This dude must get more action than a Hollywood director.
Voluptuous. How he likes his women. And his ice cream sundaes.
Intensity. See, we got it right that time.
Staring. Come on Eric, it's getting a little creepy.
Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Value of card: Some number or other
Key 1994 stat: One name written across his bum
Dan Marino, by the numbers on this eyesore:
10: Colors on this card
13: Didn't prove so lucky when it came to the Super Bowl, did it, chief?
94: People he's punched over Super Bowl comments. Ouch! Make that 95.
298: Times Shula had to remind him to snap up his chin strap.
40,720: Times he wished for just one decent running back.
Name: Danny Buxbaum
Team: Midland Angels
Position: First base
Value of card: Unfulfilled potential
Key 1997 stat: One awkward pose
A minor pop quiz:
What is Danny Buxbaum reaching out to catch?
A) A clean hat
B) A razor, hopefully
C) A wristband that will cover his entire forearm
D) A bus ticket back down to single-A
E) A more believable last name
Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com
Name: Jack Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Value of card: A fly in the mouth
Key 2002 stat: Regret, after seeing this card
Top 10 nicknames for Jack Clark's 1977 monobrow:
10) The Ladykiller
8) The Fur Finger
6) The Face Jacket
5) The Headband
4) The Hair Extension
3) Nonstop Excitement
1) The Eye Mustache
Name: Doug Drabek
Team: Chicago White Sox
Value of card: Warmth
Key 1997 stat: One soaked hairline
Is that a koala on your head, or are you just happy to see me? The White Sox have made some unfortunate uniform decisions over the years. There was the year they were the, er, red Sox; there was the year they blinded thousands with their multi-colored stripes; and, of course, there were the shorts. But it wasn't until longtime Pittsburgh Pirate Doug Drabek joined the Sox that ownership got its worst idea yet: funny hats. So it was that Drabek and his teammates were made to wear Russian fur caps during the 1997 season. The good news was that the hats were thick enough to double as batting helmets, saving the Sox some money. The bad news was that four players suffered heat strokes by June, and the team was forced to return to their normal old boring hats.
Names: Gary Mota, James Mouton
Team: Houston Astros
Positions: Outfield and outfield
Value of card: Matinee ticket to a terrible movie
Key 1993 stats: Zero "attractions" (except to each other)
It's time for The Matchup, deep in the heart of Texas:
Round 1: Name that is slang for "marijuana" (Winner: Mota, maaaannnn)
Round 2: Name that is slang for "crouton" (Winner: Mouton)
Round 3: Amount of fabric clumped in the crack (Winner: Mouton)
Round 4: Relation to other stoned big leaguers (Winner: Mota)
Round 5: Mustache made from wristband fibers (Winner: Mouton)
Round 6: Doughnuts eaten (baseball bat variety) (Winner: Mota)
Round 7: Star on jersey of a player never to be a star (Winner: Mota)
Score: Mota 4, Mouton 3
Synopsis: The Mota Man came in smoking and didn't let up, proving this was his joint and a guy whose name rhymes with the crappiest part of a salad shouldn't win anything.
Name: Lenny Harris
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Value of card: Nothing, toss it
Key 1992 stat: 12 bocce ball tournament victories
Time for another pop quiz:
Why is Lenny Harris throwing his helmet?
(A) He's trying to draw the cute photographer's attention to his bulge.
(B) He's just passing the time during one of his daily nonstarts.
(C) He's not. He's using mind power to levitate it.
(D) He looked at his stats and is giving up baseball, uniform piece by uniform piece.
(E) All of the above.
Name: Bill Landrum
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Value of card: A ball
Key 1991 stat: Not very familiar with the razor, from the looks of things
Bill Landrum's train of thought, 1:14-1:18 p.m., April 15, 1991: "Oh, what's this in my hand, you ask? Why, it's a baseball. Yes, in fact, I am a baseball player. Are you impressed? You should be. Look at the flawless two-seam grip I have on this baseball. Look at the contrast of the clean, white baseball against my black windbreaker. I bet you're impressed now. What's that? You're intrigued by my combination of scruff and mullet? Why, thank you. It took me weeks to grow both. Let's stop pussyfooting around — why don't you give me your number? Here, you can write it on this baseball that I'm holding in a very professional yet dangerous manner. ... Oh, huh? The shoot's been over for a couple minutes? Crap, I was just getting into character."