12.29.2011

Kevin Bass, 1992 Upper Deck


Name: Kevin Bass
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2.5 pounds of rotting striped bass
Key 1991 stat: 14 instances of a form of cannibalism: Bass eating bass
Kevin Bass' train of thought from 3:17 to 3:18 p.m. July 16, 1991: "OK, OK, OK. How can I get her attention? She is so hot, right there in the third row. I see you baby, looking all fine. She's looking this way but I need to make her notice me. Then, I can pass her my number. Wait, that's it. I'll try to steal third base even though I'm slow and I'll perform the spread-eagle bulge slide. That's sure to get her attention. OK, on three. One, two, go! Oh, man. I'm going to be out by a mile. Oh, well. Got to nail this slide, and here we go. Legs spread. Arm back. Bulge up. Achoo! Achoo! Oh, man, I have dirt in my nose. Achoo! I must look ridiculous with my 3-pound batting glove up to my face. Achoo! Oh, man, the snot from my sneeze is making my eye black run. Achoo! Achoo! He tagged me. My batting glove, wristband and face are covered in snot. And, that hot babe is leaving. Gross; she just gagged when she looked over here. Spread-eagle bulge slide, why hath thou forsaken me?"
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