12.08.2011

David Wells, 2001 Fleer Game Time


Name: David Wells
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Big fat pitcher
Value of card: Buy one, get one Denny's Mac 'n' Cheese Patty Melt
Key 2000 stat: One plus-size goatee
Here's what David Wells stands for:

Doesn't look like black is so slimming, after all
Advanced metrics show he has a 40.3-to-1 cheeseburger-to-strikeout ratio
Voluptuous? More like voluminous
Is known to suck the cream filling out of Twinkies, claiming the sponge cake is too "granola"
Didn't mind fat jokes, considering he was one

Weight with goatee: 3 pounds more than weight without goatee
Every two hours, fans can watch as Wells is fed raw hamburger and chocolate sauce by staff trainers
Likely quote from Babe Ruth about David Wells: "Dude, eat a salad."
Luckily, the cardmakers blurred out his groin in the bigger photo
Sweated through this black jersey so many times it turned into road gray
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