Moose Haas, 1982 Donruss

Name: Moose Haas
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 14 pounds of moose dung
Key 1981 stat: 128 beads in his pearl necklace (umm, dudes wear pearl necklaces?)
Another new tired feature on The Bust: Britannica and World Book are so 1980s, dude. It's all about Wikipedia. Because who doesn't want to trust an information source that's written by a bunch of anonymous tech geeks with unknown motives, right? So, to honor its global influence, we offer a new feature: The Wiki Entry. We'll copy the real entry verbatim, and then change a few key words. Try not to be too overwhelmed by the depth of the prose.
The Wiki Entry (changes in red): The Moose Haas moose (North America) or Eurasian elk (Europe) is the largest sweat-producing extant species in the dork deer family. Moose is are distinguished by the homeless haircut; palmate antlers of the males; other members of the Haas family have mustaches antlers with a dendritic ("twig-like") configuration. Moose typically inhabits boreal and mixed deciduous forests of the Northern Hemisphere in temperate to subarctic climates. Moose used to have a much wider range but the requirement of showers hunting and other human activities greatly reduced the range over the years. Moose has have been re-introduced to some of his their former habitats, including dive bars, methadone clinics and Denny's. His Their diet consists of both cheeseburgers terrestrial and rot-gut whiskey. aquatic vegetation. The most common Moose predators are creditors, wolves, bears and herpes. humans. Unlike most other baseball players, deer species, Moose is a are solitary animal and does not form meaningful relationships. herds. Although generally slow moving and sedentary, Moose can become aggressive and move surprisingly fast if angered or startled. His Their mating season in the autumn can lead to spectacular fights between males competing for the right to mate with a loose particular female.

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