10.25.2011

Derrick Thomas, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 2)


Name: Derrick "Attack Cat" Thomas
Team: Kansas City Creeps
Position: Linebacker
Fright value of card: Three coughed-up hair balls
Key 1993 splat: 14 sacks (of yarn)
Cat-scratch fever: Last year for Halloween Week, we brought you monsters, ghouls, ghosts and pieces of ice. This year, we're bringing you a even more spooky schmucks, including the Attack Cat, Derrick Thomas, who could only scare paraplegic mice and pieces of cheese, if pieces of cheese could express emotions. Just look at this guy. We'd say Thomas looks like a castoff from "Cats," but we don't want to disparage such a fine feline musical. Though they're trying to make him appear fearsome, he looks more like the Cowardly Lion getting arrested for indecent exposure. Yes, we're featuring this card near the middle of a week full of boos. But before we get ahead of ourselves, we need to answer that important question: What kind of cat, exactly, is Thomas supposed to be? He's not a cougar. He's not a tiger. He's not a lion. Ah, we get it. He's a pussy.
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