10.29.2011

Chris Zorich, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 6)


Name: Chris "Zorro" Zorich
Team: Chicago Scares
Position: Defensive tackle
Fright value of card: A bunch of Zzzzzzzz's
Key 1993 splat: One pair of headphones worn as part of costume
Chris Zorich's dating profile, circa 1994:

Screen name: Zorro69
Age: Veintinueve
Height: Two swords tall
Weight: 112 kilos
Hair color: La rojo bandanna
Hairstyle: Swashbuckling
Ethnicity: Mexican, circa 1840
Religious views: Banderas
Want children? Of course, but only with you, mi amore
Marital status: It's a mystery
Best feature: Mask
Smoke? Yes, but only with a cigarette holder
Drink? The finest wines

Seeking: A gay blade
Location: 1840s colonial Mexico, now California
Her/his body type: Covered in material that can be shredded by a sword
Her/his ethnicity: I prefer the brown ones

About me: I am Zorro, a man on the prowl for a man to share my nights and my secret identity. Me, a dashing, black-clad outlaw whose sword is as swift as his silver-tongued wit. You, anybody with a couple of holes. But, no, don't get upset. You can join me on clandestine adventures, during which I will take up arms against tyrannical villains, and, let's hope, take down their pants with a few swipes of my sword. Like that idea? I can add a "Z" to the back of your trousers, mi amore. Join me, Zorro, on my next romantic adventure.
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