9.10.2011

Billy Ray Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week No. 6)


Name: Billy Ray Smith
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Charge it! (declined)
Key 1990 stat: 157 stripes
Transcript from San Diego Chargers season ticket commercial, circa 1990: "Heeeeeyyyy, football fans! It's me, Billy Ray Smith, and I'm charged up! (Smith runs through fake brick wall; comes out smiling; lightning strikes all around him) It's going to be a heck of a season! Woooo! (Smith flexes, yells) You know what you need to do? Buy season tickets! What, you don't want to pay to watch us play? Of course you do! But here's an added bonus! (Smith pulls a black blanket off something behind him) If you buy season tickets now, we'll throw in a pair of the hottest Zubaz pants I've ever seen. They'll burn your retinas! (Smith puts on Oakley Blades) What, that's not enough? We'll throw in your very own Zubaz shirt. Read that thing: Dare to be different! (Smith points to the words on the shirt) I double-dare ya! What, you want more? We'll throw in a pair of 6-inch wristbands, which will actually make you sweat more! (Smith starts lifting weights and sweating profusely) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You want more? (Smith throws down weights) How about a free mustache trim when you sign up for the Super Mullet Special at Fantastic Sam's? (Camera pans to Fantastic Sam's bear mascot) Now that's a deal that's a cut above! So, call in and buy yourself some season tickets. You know you can always charge it! (Lightning strikes Smith's biceps)"
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