7.25.2011

Tom Newberry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 1)

Name: Tom Newberry
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Offensive lineman
Value of card: One hair peninsula
Key 1991 stat: Zero dates


It's lockout fever: With rumors swirling that the NFL lockout is about to be, well, unlocked, we here at the Bust thought we'd bring you a week of hilarious writing. But why start now? Instead, this week will be dedicated to the most ridiculous set of football cards known to mankind: the 1991 Pro Line Portraits. Now, if you'll excuse us, we've got to start studying for a fantasy football draft we worried might not happen.

Tom Newberry's dating profile, circa 1991:


Screen name: RamIt66
Age: 29
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 285 lbs. of raw steel
Hair: A peninsula of passion
Ethnicity: Midwestern
Want children? What, more?
Relationship status: I'm on good terms with Jim Everett
Best feature: Designer sweatpants
Smoke? The L.A. air is bad enough
Drink? Only when Dickerson spikes the Gatorade

Seeking: Ramming it
Location: Anywhere you can ram it
Her height: Ram
Her weight: It
Her ethnicity: Ram-anian

About me: Hi ladies. I'd like to tell you about a cause that's close to my heart: Ramming it. A few years ago, My Los Angeles Ram teammates and I made a hit music video called "Let's Ram It" — you may have seen me starring in the background. And while some people said that 5 1/2 minutes was painfully too long and that it lacked "good choreography," neither of those criticisms hits the point. The point is: Let's ram it! There are millions of people in this world each night who aren't able to ram it. College students, middle-aged professionals, senior citizens — all without the opportunity to ram it. Ladies, it's time to do your part. Drop me a line, and I'll show you how you can help the less fortunate — including myself — ram it like they've never rammed it before.
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2 comments:

  1. Judging by those shorts I don't think his 'About me' should be addressed to the ladies...

    ReplyDelete