5.17.2011

Doug Jones, 1994 Leaf

Name: Doug Jones
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Closer
Value of card: One dead leaf
Key 1993 stat: 1,000 strikeouts — with the ladies
What does Doug Jones stand for?

Despite appearance, was not pulled out of homeless shelter to start this game.
Once punched the Phillie Phanatic in the neck.
Unable to speak because mouth was overgrown by beard hair.
Got those Mardi Gras beads he's wearing for not taking off his shirt.

Jones' massive facial hair was considered a fire hazard.
Overgrowth didn't stop at the neck, if you know what we mean.
Nice pot belly, Doug
Enough food in that beard to feed an impoverished nation
Strawberry-flavored beard wax — don't knock it till you've tried it!
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